GrayClouds Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 It is the first real snow of the season. They are predicting a foot or more over the next few hours. I like the snow and the cold. I like when these storms come. I like battling the roads with the wacko's trying to drive. I like how traffic moves slow and deliberate, how the tires will slip just a little to give you just enough of a fright and your arms, shoulders and neck become sore from being little too tense. I like when you get home, that is a silly sense of accomplisment, the knowing you landed, in one piece and ok. I like walking in, kicking the snow of the boots and feeling secure in the warmth of this place you call home. I didn't feel this today. It just felt empty.
EricaH329 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I didn't feel this today. It just felt empty. Why? This sentence is for that stupid 10 character limit
Author GrayClouds Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Maybe a case of ho ho ho hum bug seasonal blues with sprinkling of feeling disconnection from current life. I am going through the motions; not too down, not too up, just existing. An existence, as this situation seems to be reflecting, those small joys are not quite there. It is sustaining but not satisfying, I am past the worst of the pain, but there does not appear to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just less dark. I guess part of getting through the pain is the unwritten contract that it will be worth it, the inadvertent inference that the struggle will be rewarded; you will find someone better, your life will move in a different direction, or at least find a new level of contentment. It has been a significant lifeline that has keep me going. Maybe my impatiences is showing, maybe I should see that thinking this is ego driven, and arrogant to think something good should come from all this. I am seeing is that as I move on there may not be a "good" that come from overcoming, that the only thing close to a "good" is just less bad. And for some reason that make me feel a little too alone.
grfins Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I'll bet seasonal blues are hitting us all pretty hard around here and im guessing for myself they will get worse and not better. You said the stages of healing are not a linear process and the gray areas in between are probably where many of us reside after 3 to 8 months. At least they are less bad for you as opposed to less good. Is that actually better or worse? Or ahh forget it. Im thinking your impatience is more with time as it does not move along as slowly as we would like when things are great or as quickly as we would like when things are miserable. I do not think it is ego driven but more plainly a blah stage of the healing process. Stay strong, time heals or so they say
EricaH329 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I am seeing is that as I move on there may not be a "good" that come from overcoming, that the only thing close to a "good" is just less bad. And for some reason that make me feel a little too alone. Overcoming anything in and of itself is good. Even if you cannot see it. And isn't less bad, always good? I know a lot of people who get depressed around this time of year, but for some reason... this is the time of year that makes me happiest. Just as you said, everything about the snow and just the overall feeling. It's hard to really notice anything when we are caught up in our own feelings and issues. I promise you, though, if you take a step back and really just enjoy it for what it is... you'll feel that happiness again. However slight it may be. I do understand what you mean when you say you are impatient. I think we all get to a point where we just want to scream 'IS IT OVER YET!?'. I think that's our most trying times. We are so close, and yet it seems like we are so far. Just keep moving forward, and you're bound to feel better soon!
soheartbroken Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 It is the first real snow of the season. They are predicting a foot or more over the next few hours. I like the snow and the cold. I like when these storms come. I like battling the roads with the wacko's trying to drive. I like how traffic moves slow and deliberate, how the tires will slip just a little to give you just enough of a fright and your arms, shoulders and neck become sore from being little too tense. I like when you get home, that is a silly sense of accomplisment, the knowing you landed, in one piece and ok. I like walking in, kicking the snow of the boots and feeling secure in the warmth of this place you call home. I didn't feel this today. It just felt empty. Hey GrayClouds. I'm struggling too with the change in season. Got a bunch of snow last night. I usually love snowfalls, especially the first one of the year. Pretty conflicted this year. I have an email from my ex filed away somewhere where she commented on how a snowfall reminded her of me, and how happy it made me. 'Tis tough.
Author GrayClouds Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Thanks guys, I generally really like the winter months. The snow, the chill, stillness of the air. Bundling up just right so your in your own little sub-environment with the little puffs of breath appearing and disappearing with each step. But this year just it all feels just a little colder and has me giving in to lesser thoughts of what I am missing rather then what I have, allowing alone to become a inference to loneliness. I had been encourage by some positive proceedings over the previous few weeks, that now have pretty much dissipated. I played into them, allow it to encourage that immature mindset that this experience will be rewarded. That there is a correlation between pain and happiness, a metaphysical scale that seeks equilibrium. Yes we all deserve better, but that just does not mean we will get it.
Kic Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I don't leave the house often lately and can't relate as much to the outdoor descriptions, but I do find that my PC is less likely to overheat during the winter.
mickleb Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I don't leave the house often lately and can't relate as much to the outdoor descriptions, but I do find that my PC is less likely to overheat during the winter. Why does this make me laugh? Is it supposed to? Is this the BEST we can look forward to this winter??! Hey GC Spare a thought for me(!) Feeling similarly to you but with the second cold in the space of three weeks! And this one's worse! I went to bed early last night, just to be kept up for half of it by sneezing. I dragged myself into work and now wish I really hadn't bothered. Sorry to hijack your thread with my woes but, as a consolation, I can offer a game of chess? Have to be fairly quick, though, as am off to bed at 9pm GMT! Sending you warm wishes. Mickl. x
soheartbroken Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I am seeing is that as I move on there may not be a "good" that come from overcoming, that the only thing close to a "good" is just less bad. And for some reason that make me feel a little too alone. Argh. This is so depressing! There is no guarantee that something good will come of this, so true! And it's hard to carry on when the so-called contract that you speak of may be broken. But can't we make something good come of this? Even if the reward isn't necessarily for us to feel better coming out of it, wouldn't volunteering, or even helping others on LS, be something "good" that can come of this?
Ms. Joolie Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I played into them, allow it to encourage that immature mindset that this experience will be rewarded. What I've learned is that every experience is good, if it's not then it's a challenge. We have to be grateful for every challenge because it gives us the opportunity to improve ourselves in a way that we could not have otherwise done. That there is a correlation between pain and happiness, a metaphysical scale that seeks equilibrium. There is not so much a balance between pain and happiness as a blockage. Yes we all deserve better, but that just does not mean we will get it. Being loved is indeed a gift. Don't be sad about a gift you may not get. Receiving gifts is not why we love.
Kic Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Why does this make me laugh? Is it supposed to? Is this the BEST we can look forward to this winter??! Yeah, I did have a smile on my face when writing it. No, you are not crazy.
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