Aubrielle Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years, minus a threeish-month break we had earlier this year (I'll go into more detail on this in a bit). We met through an online video game when I was 17, he was 19. He was my first real boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner, first everything. We get along really well, always have. Arguments have always been few and resolved quickly. And usually, they aren't much worse than one of us wording something badly and the other taking a bit of offense to it. So while we get along well, I've always felt like there is something wrong, some reason we shouldn't be together. I've tried to figure out what it is, and really can't pinpoint it. Right around the time we hit two years, he started talking about marriage. I guess it freaked me out a little bit. I felt like I shouldn't be with him for some unknown reason and here he was talking about spending the rest of our lives together. When I feel overwhelmed, I have a bad habit of looking for a way out, so I think this is what I began doing. At first, I told him I wanted to stop having sex, that it was making me uncomfortable. (This wasn't a lie; he and I began having sex three months into the relationship, which I have always regretted. And coming from a very strict Christian family/background only made the guilt in that worse.) He agreed to this. He thought it was a little strange, but he told me he would do whatever I wanted if I thought it would improve our relationship. He lost his job and I wasn't making much money, so the hour drive between us became more difficult and we started seeing each other less often. I became more and more unhappy and ended up meeting someone else. He didn't see it coming and it hit him really hard when I broke up with him to pursue a relationship with this other guy. That lasted two or three months (until that guy and I had sex) and I started feeling really terrible for the way I had treated him. I sent him an e-mail (he didn't have a cell phone and I wasn't sure where he was living) to apologize. I didn't want to get back together with him, I figured it would be the same as before, something would be missing and I would be unhappy. Fast forward a month and we were back together. He's forgiven me for everything because he says it felt right. He says it feels right to be with me. He still wants to marry me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he loves me. I'm still unhappy. Yesterday, I came to the realization that it's the sexual aspect of the relationship that is causing problems for me. I love spending time with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, snuggling with him, sleeping next to him. I'm very comfortable with him, but I don't want him to touch me in any way that is sexual. I don't really even want him to kiss me. I would push him away, curse at him, fuss at him to stop and neither of us really knew why. And for whatever reason, it was like a light switch yesterday, I realized I just simply don't like it. He and I talked about this last night, I told him exactly how I was feeling and, once again, he agreed to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship moving forward. He'll stop touching me intimately, he won't even kiss me if that is what I want. Still, I can't help but feel like our relationship is only going to end badly. I feel like this is dragging out a break-up. But the thought of losing him is painful. Why do I treat someone who would give me the world if he could so poorly? Is it this relationship? It's starting to feel like there is an issue with me and sex and it wouldn't matter who I was with. To me, our relationship feels very similar now to the way it did before I left him. I've found myself wishing I were single when I'm around attractive guys. I've also found myself wishing I could find someone with similar characteristics to a male friend of mine whom I have always held in high regard. I daydream about having that amazing relationship you read about in books, see in movies, or hear about in songs. That strong, unbreakable, amazing connection. I don't feel that with him. Am I asking too much? Is it time to say good-bye? Should we work at this and salvage our relationship? Is it me, is it us? Should we attempt being friends? I don't know where to go from here.
sand26 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Yes. This one is over, romantically at least. You deserve someone who turns you on sexually and he deserves to be sexually desired. It will be hard after three years, but you know the answer to this one. Stick a fork in it hon. good luck the mfk
boogieboy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Dont drag it out any longer. He saw more of a commitment than you did, and that turned you off. You might be right, youre too young to be thinking of marriage anyways. Its kind of hard to rekindle that spark while youre still together anyways.
stepka Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Aubrielle, it sounds like you may have held on to this one longer than you should have because he was your first everything, and b/c of your attitudes towards having pre-marital sex, you would feel like a slut if you did it with anyone else, so you feel like you have to hold on to him b/c you've already gone there. Also, because you really do care about him. But you'd be doing him a huge favor if you set him free so he can get over it, because I don't think that this is going to get better.
The Way I Am Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 He lost his job and I wasn't making much money, so the hour drive between us became more difficult and we started seeing each other less often. I became more and more unhappy and ended up meeting someone else. He didn't see it coming and it hit him really hard when I broke up with him to pursue a relationship with this other guy. That lasted two or three months (until that guy and I had sex) and I started feeling really terrible for the way I had treated him. I sent him an e-mail (he didn't have a cell phone and I wasn't sure where he was living) to apologize. I don't understand this. You and the other guy were together for 2-3 months? And it ended after you had sex with him? Am I interpreting that wrong? Did you leave something out? Because if not, that's awfully weird. Things don't usually end after 2-3 months just because you have sex. The most obvious thing here is that you're both much too young to be thinking about marriage. And if you don't think he's the right person for you, don't keep holding on. Maybe you do have some sort of hang-up about sex that would transfer to any relationship you're in. But don't take that as a reason to stay in this relationship. If there is an issue, you can work through it on your own.
Author Aubrielle Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 I don't understand this. You and the other guy were together for 2-3 months? And it ended after you had sex with him? Am I interpreting that wrong? Did you leave something out? Because if not, that's awfully weird. Things don't usually end after 2-3 months just because you have sex. You interpreted it correctly. That guy also turned out to be very controlling and needy, but I didn't realize it until then. Maybe the sex had nothing to do with me realizing that. I did start feeling like it was too early in the relationship and then that "looking for a way out" thing surfaced again. I think it's best that one ended, but oddly enough, I felt a really strong connection with that guy that I've never really felt with my boyfriend. That's something that confuses me further. In some ways, I feel like I should go back and see what could have happened with that relationship. In other ways, him being controlling and all will probably never change and I know I should leave well enough alone. About marriage, we know we're young and he's made it clear he isn't talking about any time soon. He just says he does eventually want our relationship to lead to that. And I want it to lead to that, too, if we stay together. I just need to know that's what's right for us and it isn't feeling that way right now. A friend has been telling me the same things, that I need to let him go, that I'm even being selfish for holding on. I guess I also wanted some opinions that aren't biased, where everything is anonymous. Thanks, everyone. I guess the hard part is that even after all of this, he still wants to try and work through it and hope we can get past it.
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