andrea5775 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 A little advice needed... I was in a very difficult relationship for 6 years, which ended badly a few months ago. The first 3 weeks were miserable, but made it through and I'm still breathing Anyway... I've went out with a few guys, but nothing more than one date. The timing was bad, I was looking for someone to take my mind off my ex and definitely playing the compare game... ugh... not good for either of use!! However, I have been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks and now we’ve started seeing each other. I want to take it slow, don’t want to get too close too soon, not wanting to sleep with him quickly… trying to take the right steps towards the right direction. We hit it off great, he's definitely a keeper, but I'm seriously scared of the whole rebound thing. How can you tell if the person you are seeing is going to be nothing more than a rebound? I do not want to make that mistake with this guy. How can you tell when you can put your wall down after being hurt and not turn the “Great Guy” into “Mr Rebound”???
JL911 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Well quite frankly Id say if anything the guys who were the 1 date things were the rebounds and this guy is probaly more of what you can see yourself with. If you are no longer comparing this guy to your ex, or no longer think of your ex in a sexual manner, or feel you are ready to move on, then you quite possibly are...You will never know till you try...Nothing is for certain even after months and years with a person no one ever knows what will happen next... My ex of 3.5years broke up and it was terrible for months. I tried so hard to move on and find someone and it was just empty with so many of them. I was seeing a girl who was just ugh, a drunk, a party animal, and it just sucked. Finally one day I had a girl sit down next to me at a bar where I watch football who i just randomly struck up conversation with and a month later she was my lady...
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) Andrea, welcome to LS:) I'm just going to be honest and say that if you have to think about it, you're probably not ready to be in a new relationship. Six years is a long time no matter how badly it ended. At the same time you are in a predicament much like myself where you meet people that are genuinely GOOD relationship material. If you don't give them what they are looking for they might move on with you left thinking about what might have been. At the same time if you are completely honest with them as I have been and say, "I just got out of a very long relationship (or in my case engagement)" they will either run for the hills (which some have done to me) or have them actually grow CLOSER to you (which has also happened) and willing to be patient. If your ex called right now and wanted you back what would you say? Would you even take the call? If you ahve to even think about it you probably aren't ready. If that isn't an option, I would just proceed with the new guy at a very slow pace and be completely upfront with him about everything. If he's understanding, we may have a keeper. I think you have the right mindset. Edited December 8, 2009 by DustySaltus
Author andrea5775 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Thanks for being honest…. That’s the only way to be!! I couldn’t agree more on what you said about meeting people that are genuinely GOOD relationship material. But you were also right about 6 yrs being a long time regardless of how it ended. I had a sit down with the guy I have been seeing and it didn’t go over too well. He’s looking for way more than what I can give at this time. He’s ready to take it to a whole new level and I’m not ready to go there. I think I may have hurt his feelings… but after reading your comment it really made me think. I honestly don’t know what I’d say if my ex called me and can’t say if I’d take the call or not. There is no part of me that thinks this would ever happen, but like you said… “If you have to even think about it you probably aren’t ready”. Regardless of whether or not I’m ready for dating… I know for a fact that I’m not ready for a relationship or anything along those lines. I told the new guy that I wanted to take it very slow and he’s having a really hard time with that. I think he’s more afraid of me dating other people, but I’m just not ready to settle down with anyone. Not trying to be selfish… just honestly believe that in order for me to be happy with anyone… I need to be happy with myself first!! This might take a while [/sIZE][/FONT] Edited December 12, 2009 by andrea5775
sonicranger Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I'm not in the same situation but am wanting to learn more about my own feelings and my experience of getting divorced and now moving on. I like what DustySaltus said about the ex calling, what would you say, do etc. I talked to my ex just this week, we talked about her buying a digital camera and what we're going to do with our taxes from this year. I'd say it was about as bland a conversation that you could have, no drama, we've both moved on and know that we just weren't right for each other. Do you feel the same way. Can you or have you discussed your past relationship with the new guy? I think that goes a long way in revealing to BOTH people how YOU feel about the past and the new guy. If you are honest and open about it and can discuss it without name calling, crying or otherwise freaking out then you're most likely ready to go. If it still stirs significant emotions inside you then how are you supposed to be honest with this new guy, how can you commit to him 100% if you're still confused or mad or whatever?
boogieboy Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I'm not in the same situation but am wanting to learn more about my own feelings and my experience of getting divorced and now moving on. I like what DustySaltus said about the ex calling, what would you say, do etc. I talked to my ex just this week, we talked about her buying a digital camera and what we're going to do with our taxes from this year. I'd say it was about as bland a conversation that you could have, no drama, we've both moved on and know that we just weren't right for each other. Do you feel the same way. Can you or have you discussed your past relationship with the new guy? I think that goes a long way in revealing to BOTH people how YOU feel about the past and the new guy. If you are honest and open about it and can discuss it without name calling, crying or otherwise freaking out then you're most likely ready to go. If it still stirs significant emotions inside you then how are you supposed to be honest with this new guy, how can you commit to him 100% if you're still confused or mad or whatever? If she talked to the new guy about the ex, its a great way to make him run.
sonicranger Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I wasn't necessarily saying that she SHOULD or SHOULD NOT. Just agreeing with what Dusty said. But, since you mention it...your ex's are a part of who you are, now obviously depending on the context of what you're talking about and when determines whether or not it's "creepy/ you're still in love" or "you're totally over him and want the new guy to know it". Thats the important bit, I think. The conversations I've had with my new girl have made it abundently clear to her that I've moved on from my ex and am ready and willing to commit to her 100%. Some people I supposed would just rather not know anything and thats fine too. You have to gauge your bf/gf's comfort level with YOU before you start spouting off about the ex...
CLC2008 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 A little advice needed... I was in a very difficult relationship for 6 years, which ended badly a few months ago. The first 3 weeks were miserable, but made it through and I'm still breathing Anyway... I've went out with a few guys, but nothing more than one date. The timing was bad, I was looking for someone to take my mind off my ex and definitely playing the compare game... ugh... not good for either of use!! However, I have been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks and now we’ve started seeing each other. I want to take it slow, don’t want to get too close too soon, not wanting to sleep with him quickly… trying to take the right steps towards the right direction. We hit it off great, he's definitely a keeper, but I'm seriously scared of the whole rebound thing. How can you tell if the person you are seeing is going to be nothing more than a rebound? I do not want to make that mistake with this guy. How can you tell when you can put your wall down after being hurt and not turn the “Great Guy” into “Mr Rebound”??? The walls come down, when you look ahead with the new person, not the ex. If you can mention your ex from time to time (which is normal since it was 6 years of your life) and it doesn't sting, you're over it.
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