I can't believe this

[CeceliaL]

I am so torn - So MADLY in love and feeling like I am living in the middle of a soap opera. This story is so unbelievalbly predictable - been married for 10 years to my college love. Sex had mostly been lame, but great guy, good father, provider etc. Early on in our marriage I had a bunch of A's, but never considered leaving him. After our children were born, I swore that all off - figured I was done with the lust phase of my life (at 32 - hah!)

 

For over 15 years we have been friends with K and D. We do everything together, dinner at least once a week with both families, many vacations, both with kids and without - hubbies "best friends." I've always platonically loved D. He is stunningly attractive. I always thought way too good looking for me. We are of opposite political views and get into wonderfully passionate debates. He is a successful entrepreneur and helped me start my biz - I guess he'd become one of my BF too.

 

For YEARS - my husband has been trying to set up a wife swap. K looks like a model. She is gorgeous. And I always said I wasn't into it. But we recently all vacayed together and - after many drinks and a wild ride through a strip club, the inevitable happened. As soon as I kissed D the world stopped. Years of repressed "crush" came flooding out, on both sides. I could care less that my H was sleeping with K right down the beach. I splilled my heart. And he his.

 

meanwhile H and K's tryst was a BUST (knew it would be as my H is no great lover). And the next day - both of our marriages began to crumble. I can't stand for my husband to touch me. K & D are at each others throats.

 

I can't really blame H and yet he was an idiot. I was FINE with our marriage before this, resigned to certain truths but not unhappy. I think he and K thought we were safe because D and I fight so much - but that is passion - and a respect of each others views has built up over the years. And I've never had sex like this in my life (and I;ve had many partners). I love him. But these our are best friends - neighbors - our children have grown up together - they think they are all cousins, and they are all under the age of 7. WTF.

 

its been 6 weeks, at first D and I tried to keep our distance, but - IMPOSSIBLE, he lives across the f'ing street - and my husband travels - who do you think H called when we had a pipe leak and he was on the road?!?!?

 

I can not believe that our spouses do not see right through us. i think K "knows" in her heart, but is choosing not to see. My husband has had himself convinced for years that I just don't like sex (nothing to do with him ofcourse...) Anyway - fairly convinced my marriage is cooked. But OUCH two young children and a $million house that is under water...

 

anyway - thanks for reading my vent. I'd love any advice. I know I'll get through this one way or another, I am a strong, smart woman - but I think I'm in for a ride.

[Agent_99]

Bring on the soaps! ~ Okay but seriously. Advice there will plenty of here, and support too.

 

The only thing I can say is please make sure you think about your kids in all this.

 

I'm not judging, being someone involved in an A myself.

 

Just welcome.

 

~Agent

[OWoman]

For YEARS - my husband has been trying to set up a wife swap.... And I always said I wasn't into it.

 

He wanted it, and finally got what he wanted. So now he has to deal with the fall-out.

 

You'd resisted, and then finally gave in, with a bit of bottled encouragement. I think you should be honest with him - and your OM with his W - and explain what happened. What led up to it was your H's doing - but by keeping it secret the accountability is shifting from him, to you.

 

It wasn't what you'd intended - but by fulfilling your H's fantasy, this has now happened. He needs to own his role in that, and you need to sit down as a couple - or as two couples - and discuss how best to proceed. The "wife swap" was open, so there's no reason IMO for this to be a guilty secret. But by keeping it as one, you're digging the graves of both Ms, and creating something potentially explosive, just waiting to be discovered....

[fooled once]

What I always am confused about is how 2 people get married when their sex lives are ho hum. I mean, you know how he was in bed dating.... did you think marriage would change that?

 

As for the whole wife swap thing Did K know about it and was in agreement that it would be more than 1 time?

[OWoman]

What I always am confused about is how 2 people get married when their sex lives are ho hum.

 

I reckon the pressure to marry is huge. People (especially those of the female persuasion) are looked at funny if they're not safely paired off, tied down with a ring & a bit of paper, and locked up in some suburban cliche somewhere by a certain age. So they panic and land up shackling themselves to whoever is around at the time, figuring, he may not be ideal, but what guy is? So they rationalise the shortcomings (so to speak... ) away and settle.

 

Also, some people don't have a vast repertoire of sexual experience to draw on at the stage they get M, so they don't yet realise that what they're settling for is far short of the potential. It's only as their own sexuality matures, and as they educate themselves (through experience or otherwise) that they're fully able to make the comparisons and realise, this doesn't just suck because I don't know better. This sucks! And by then it's too late.

 

I suppose also many people go into M quite optimistic, thinking that they will change and grow together, and that minor problems will be ironed out with time. Some are, and some just grow into huge problems. Because sex is so ego-bound, it's one of those areas that are pretty difficult to raise concerns over without it coming across as a huge diss of the other person, so people typically don't address the small stuff - and by the time it's become big stuff, it's too daunting.

[MizFit]

What I always am confused about is how 2 people get married when their sex lives are ho hum. I mean, you know how he was in bed dating.... did you think marriage would change that?

 

As for the whole wife swap thing Did K know about it and was in agreement that it would be more than 1 time?

 

To me this is a huge point...sex with my husband was fabulous-we divorced when he cheated on me. Sex with my next LT partner was awful, but I had spent years with my focus being on raising my son. When he came into my life I wanted the affection and someone to care for me. At the end of it I almost hated him because the sex was so bad and he refused to see anyone about it and he refused to talk about it. We weren't working and eventually we both found reasons to end the relationship that didn't involve sex, but we both were fully aware that was the crux of the problem.

 

When people say that sex isn't the be all and end all, they are wrong. It is as important as affection and honesty and support and money. It may have to chop and change with illnesses etc, but sex brings an intimacy that is the cornerstone of a relationship. Without it you have a friendship and who wants to live their life sharing a bed with ther friend?

[Ronni_W]

I'd love any advice. I know I'll get through this one way or another, I am a strong, smart woman - but I think I'm in for a ride.

Hugs, Cecelia.

I've got no "advice", really. There is no easy way out of it.

But I do have understanding and compassion. There is no easy way out of it.

Wishing all of you...I don't even know what. "Happy outcomes" would be the best, of course. But maybe more realistic is just that you all emerge from the other side of this long and dark tunnel, stronger and smarter...the adults and the kids, I mean

Best of luck.

[turnstone]

I reckon the pressure to marry is huge. People (especially those of the female persuasion) are looked at funny if they're not safely paired off, tied down with a ring & a bit of paper, and locked up in some suburban cliche somewhere by a certain age. So they panic and land up shackling themselves to whoever is around at the time, figuring, he may not be ideal, but what guy is? So they rationalise the shortcomings (so to speak... ) away and settle.

Don't be silly. No one looks at women 'funny' if they're not married. If that were the case there'd be a lot less single moms and a lot less walk away wives for starters, never mind the ever increasing age women are when they get married, the ever increasing rate of divorce and the ever increasing numbers of women choosing to remain single.

[CeceliaL]

I thought I was going to be in for a thrashing after that first response :-)

 

OWoman - you are right on... I got together with my husband when I was 19!!! he was going to med school, jewish - my mother practically had us married after our 2nd date. I just figured it wasn't that important as he had all these other attributes that on paper were perfect. we were married 6 years before kids and I knew after I cheated the first time (b4 children) I should leave, but honestly - I just wasn't brave enough.

 

Then once the kids I figured that was it. Our family is considered "perfect" by most. And i tell myself I should be grateful for our blessings. H is a good dad, gone a lot for work, but when he's home, he is present. I see now that many of his sexual proclivities are quite juvenile - wanting me to dress up, sleep with his best friend - it's like he's not getting what he needs from me either - cause it's always more, more, more.

 

I told D last night that I need some space and time, rips my heart out to think about not seeing him - I know it's the "right" thing to do. We are going away for the holidays and I am hoping to just have fun with my husband and kids and be able to reconnect. If that doesn't work, I don't know what to do. I can't see a way out of this.

 

K did know about the swap - obviously (but no - not that there would be follow up) although I am certain that if they had the same experience we did, that would not be the case.

 

the problem with telling the truth about how D & I feel is that H's ego would not be able to handle it. It would blow everything up. for now - I think what I have to do is be strong enough to stay apart from D, and be clear so that I can decide what to do about my marriage independent of the feelings I have for D. Is that even possible?!?!

 

Going to see a therapist today (my first time) hoping to help see my way through this...

[OWoman]

I thought I was going to be in for a thrashing after that first response :-)

 

It's a mixed bunch at LS, but not everyone wants infidelity to become a capital crime

 

Oh, and welcome, BTW.

 

the problem with telling the truth about how D & I feel is that H's ego would not be able to handle it.

 

While I understand your not wanting to rock the boat or cause too much upset to everyone else - especially your kids - his fragile ego is really not your problem. It's his. He chose to go down this route - knowing you'd had problems with it - without giving full and proper consideration to the consequences. These are his consequences. You've had a wonderful experience, and have developed feelings as a result. That is something HE, as well as you, need to deal with. Else, what will stop him from pursuing his next hare-brained fantasy?

 

 

for now - I think what I have to do is be strong enough to stay apart from D, and be clear so that I can decide what to do about my marriage independent of the feelings I have for D. Is that even possible?!?!

 

Going to see a therapist today (my first time) hoping to help see my way through this...

 

This sounds sensible. I hope it all works out for you

[HarmonyHope]

I see now that many of his sexual proclivities are quite juvenile - wanting me to dress up, sleep with his best friend - it's like he's not getting what he needs from me either - cause it's always more, more, more.

 

I know that feeling well. Does he also have a proclivity for porn?

[torranceshipman]

What a mess! I think you need to go to MC together and be honest - there is something waaay wrong for him to keep pushing for the idea of a wife swap in the first place. And much easier for you, in this context, in a MC situation, to say you went through with it against your better judgement, and that real feelings for the other person have come out of it.

 

Seriously, if you don't it's just going to be more and more mess-clear it up while you have a chance, even if that ends up in D.

[CeceliaL]

I know that feeling well. Does he also have a proclivity for porn?

 

OMG YES! and would be way into S&M if I was. Plain vanilla lovemaking has never satisfied him.