So you just got dumped?

[Tuna_Fish]

So you just got dumped. You may feel you got dumped unfairly or you know you contributed to its demise. You go over the reason ____________ (fill in blank) why you got dumped.

 

Your first mistake is filling in the blank above. That is reserved strictly for the dumper. They probably did not call you asking for input on what reason for dumping you would make you feel the happiest. All you need to know is that you got dumped.

The first thing you MUST do is stop all contact for at least 7 days. I mean no contact at all. This will help give you the information you seek because

If the dumper contacts you during this period you probably just experienced a fight not a breakup.

If the dumper has not contacted you after this period, you should make one; I repeat ONE call to them requesting a meeting to discuss things. If they don’t answer, leave a message. Do this once and only once. This will help with closure, at least you tried.

 

 

If you get no response from your ex after that call you must respect their decision to remove yourself from there life. Do not fall in to the common thinking that your situation is different, its not.

 

Watch a panhandler approach someone and you will see two reactions

• They ignore and move rapidly away
  
• They offer small token and move away rapidly
  

Either way they move away rapidly. You have become the panhandler if you continue contacting your ex.

We all have been rebuffed at sometime in our pursuit of a partner. Did you ever ask someone out and they rejected the offer? Sure we all have. Did you plead, cry, and beg, in front of them when you got their answer? I think not. Don’t start with your EX. Think of your EX as someone you just met and declined your offer.

Now close your eyes and envision this in your mind he/she may apply. (It does have a happy ending, it’s up to you) You got dumped a year ago. You freaked out in front of them, cried, begged, promised all sorts of nonsense, went to their house/work unannounced. None of it worked and you finally stopped because

1. EX found new love and reality set in.

2. EX and their family members finally tell to you point blank to STOP OR ELSE

3. EX gets law enforcement involved

4. You wise up after all you dignity and self respect are in shambles.

 

Then sometime in the next year you meet someone new…you’re happy, you pretty much forgot your EX and see the future without them. You’re at a social event with your new loved one and lo and behold the EX is there. You meet and greet and small talk, somehow your EX and your new flame talk without you around. The EX may inquire about how things are going with you. They respond “great!!” And then the EX replies “I’m so happy for you guys, I always worried a little about him/her, geez I remember the time he/she came over my house crying like a baby. It’s good to see he/she moved on and is happy”.

 

 

• How would you feel now? Ashamed? Wish you never did that?
  
• Would your new flame view your differently?
  
• Do you think your EX has had the same conversation with others (co-workers, friends, family)? SHE/HE HAS
  

DO NOT BECOME THIS PERSON. LEAVE YOUR EX WITH YOUR SELF RESPECT AND DIGNITY INTACT. YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE FUTURE.

 

But you say NO THIS IS A DIFFERENT SITUATION. It’s not. The person you knew before you got dumped no longer exists, they are a stranger now but your mind will not accept such a rapid change. This site will help with the transition.

 

This was written from member BCCA, repeat it often to yourself if you think you can change you dumpers mind.

 

No matter what else you want to believe, believe this: no one walks away from someone they see value in, period.

 

It’s true. Really, have you intentionally after much thought done that? I think not and neither did the dumper.

 

That is a hard pill to swallow because it has to do with rejection not love. No one likes being rejected. But the truth is it’s not you that was rejected it was the relationship that is being rejected, so don’t get so down on yourself.

 

So what do you do now? Well I suggest you read the posts on here because these people are here to steer you in the right direction and help you. Don’t focus on sites and threads that deal with second chances, win your ex back. Remember the only one that can bring your EX back is your EX, NOT YOU. Focus on help with recovery; help with no contact, closure. Look at ways that you may improve your life.

 

Make no mistake you will need to fasten your seatbelt because it will be a bumpy ride but take comfort in knowing the path you will be undertaking is well lit and paved…it has been traveled by millions before you and they survived and so will you.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Tuna_Fish

[ATR]

Top quality first post! (best ever?)

If there was a rep system i would rep you to infinity.

[XKatieX]

This part is something that I struggle with

 

"But the truth is it’s not you that was rejected it was the relationship that is being rejected, so don’t get so down on yourself."

 

I have a bad habit if putting things on myself, and not really seeing other sides to it. I always have to remind myself that I know I'm a good person and think positively whenever I feel low about myself.

[HeavenOrHell]

My ex did value me and he says he still does, he walked cos I neglected him and it wore away his feelings for me as a partner.

He still loves me and says I am special though, so it is not right that in every case the dumpee is not valued.

[LovelyDaze]

Oh boy. I just shed a few tears on that one.

 

I have been so proud of myself with the NC on my ex and the NEW NC on a new guy that I recently dated. After a few great dates he said he'd call last Saturday and didn't. I was hurt but realized I got off scott free. This guy and I could have been together 4 years and THEN he dumped me where deeper feelings would have been involved. Hell, my actual ex has that covered anyhow!

 

I will conduct NC on anybody who does not value me. It IS that simple.

We don't need for our exes to add "psycho" to the ex label they slapped on us.

[condogal]

hey,

 

ya that first long post was amazing...my ex did all that to me...the law inforcement and it's so hurtful tho...i feel like he had no soul...6 years of very on and off i know...but he really left me in the worst way...now there is a restraining order on me...it breaks my heart how he just doesn't give a **** with what i'm going through when he once did when i didn't look or sound crazy...now he will view me this way for how long i ask?? and i definitely view him as the love of my life whom i hate more than anything...everyday is so hard for me as i live alone now when i had him sleeping beside me not so long ago...this is all so sad but i know he is toxic for me that's why i was crazy almost pshyco with his meaness...this was the guy who could never leave me for good, always came back...i know i shouldn't ever want him to come running back but it would help just to see it that he can show some value of me...cuz right now i feel so value-less. You think someone would even think of coming back after a restraining order he put on me????after humiliation with his family, his coworkers?...cuz i swear this guy really did love me...i believed not too long ago...Help...i cry all the time and i can't eat for the life of me...

[j_cali_man]

now i feel so value-less. You think someone would even think of coming back after a restraining order he put on me????after humiliation with his family, his coworkers?...cuz i swear this guy really did love me...i believed not too long ago...Help...i cry all the time and i can't eat for the life of me...

 

Hi Condo,

 

Sorry for your loss and pain. You are very much so in mourning right now so let yourself feel the emotions. Being rejected and tossed away like rubbish after a deep relationship is devastating. I am recovering as i type this. When you are ready, something to reflect on is that I am certain he did love you. The humiliation, law enforcement, and all of that crazy stuff is a reflection of how connected you guys were at one time--but the reflection is of course backwards. What i mean by that is that ties were so deep that he has gone to extremes to sever them much like you have gone to extremes to save them. Love and hate are like fraternal twins...they are NOT opposites. Hence why many of our ex's seemingly so easily turn to icebergs and get mean. They are often protecting themselves from pain or guilt, opening the door for a new relationship, and attempting to erase anything associated with previous bad feelings from the relationship lost. We end up being pests when we are in desperation survival mode and they will swat at us until we go away or get squished.

 

Spend several hours and read the many posts within. A pattern of similarities will emerge which may provide some comfort. Many including myself have felt or are feeling the pain. There is no easy road. We are here for you.

 

J

[condogal]

Hi J and thank you so much!!...but if you can help with the question you highlighted maybe i can have some even if just a little perspective on that highlight...thankyou!!!

[j_cali_man]

Help...i cry all the time and i can't eat for the life of me...

 

I'll flip it back to you and ask a question. Heaven forbid if someone very close to you that you loved like this passed away would you be so hard on yourself about crying and not eating? For me, no way. I would be a mess for some time. I had to think of things in that perspective in order to allow the pain, tears, and crud to flow OUT of me. In a way, something has died. It was the shared love between two people. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it. Fighting or questioning it (anger, sadness, rejection, lonliness, etc) will delay your healing. Me trying to hold back did not help. I'm 34, a man, and do just fine out there. Not a cry baby. Then the split happened after 3 years. Add to it a new bf from work within 3 weeks. All of the sudden I was out at bars or just hanging with guy friends...and crying IN FRONT of them. Straight sobbing. I hurt so badly. Was down to maybe eating once per day. Tiny bits like soup or half meals at that. This all started Nov 1. Six weeks later it still hurts but it is nothing like it was. NC has helped. Swallowing and accepting (even though I am disgusted by it) of her new man has helped. I have no simple answers. We are in the valley. Got tossed there. Walk in it for a while and then work toward getting out.

 

There is a lot of love on this board. Embrace it.

 

J

[condogal]

Hi J

 

thanks for that post as well...sorry if i'm not being too clear...i'm just asking if a man can do all that would he have some thought in time to even want to come back?...what's your thoughts on that?...i'm just curious, somehow i need to know that a bit...

[curiousnycgirl]

No matter what else you want to believe, believe this: no one walks away from someone they see value in, period.

 

I agree with everyone this is a wonderful post - however I cannot agree with the bit above. I was the dumper - but I see huge value in him. I only wish he saw value in himself.

 

In my good moments, I can say that he is angry with himself and taking it out on me - and I just couldn't take the hurt anymore. In my bad moments - I just cry.

 

Still I very much appreciate the post.

[j_cali_man]

Sorry Condo,

 

Let's see if I can comment on the right question this time.

 

From spending a lot of time reading and on this (and another) forum, I can tell you that anything is possible. Just as you probably could not imagine where things are today and what has transpired between the two of you since the split, the future is unwritten. However, I think what is dangerous and very scary is hoping that somehow the ugliness of the recent events will cause him to reflect and somehow let you know he was sorry. Again, anything is possible even though highly unlikely. Probably the best remedy is maintaining the NC (whice the R/O forces) and begin your heeling. He may feel bad for what happened or not. With time to allow the ill feelings to subside (could be quite a while- like a year) there may be a conversation. I think what you seek (we all do) are more answers and closure. Unfortunately many of us (me included) do not get that. Se we have to let go and grow. The R/O is like a lock and alarm system for him to maintain NC from you. He can get in trouble for reaching out to you and of course it is bad news for you to do the same.

 

Again, anything is possible but everything regarding answers, contact, or info about him is out of your hands legally and emotionally because he locked that door.

 

I'm sorry hun.

 

Did I get the right question?

 

J

[fofiffs]

Awesome Post..this is a defenitle must read for everyone who are recently going through a heartbreak..

[condogal]

Hi J!

 

ya you got the question really right this time...lol...i guess my more solid question similarising your answer would be....have you ever but ever heard of a man going to such break up lengths but then in time wishing he hadn't and missed that same crazy girl and wanted her back?...the answer i would like is somewhat scientific ratios like yes i know of someone or some people doing that....real statistics...thanks, you are super cool btw...

[condogal]

I don't need to be thinking this right...i hate him by now, as it's been almost 4 weeks...the man i loved for 6 years has called the cops on me!...i was in jail for the night(it was horrible!...i was cold and around other convicts)...and i am a classy dresser, i've been told i am a natural/model beauty...well with that said i should not be wondering how could he have done that to me!...i should be happy i'm away from a coward like him...really tho has any guy put a restraining order of NC on there now ex?...the man who was planning a future with me 4 weeks ago?...awww who cares!!!...i should just move my ass from this couch and enjoy my life in everyway i can and screw him!!...

 

....hmmmm that felt good, like i was yelling that out...lol.

[condogal]

Hi,

 

anyone...anyone to comment on my recent above...thanks!