KismetGirl Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 ....because I'm having one of those days. Yesterday was MM's birthday and I was so, so so so so so tempted to call or make some kind of contact. I sat and stared at this DVD of a movie I saw in the store a few weeks ago and purchased purely because it is based on a book that he and I had a "thing" with , and this book will always, always remind me of him, the least of which is because the main characters in the book are having an affair, but he gave me this book in the office "secret santa" exchange before our own affair even started. It was quite prophetic in that way, but it's really a great classic as well by a great author. But I digress... Anyway so I've sat staring at this DVD really wanting to go give it to him. I envisioned myself just walking up to his office down the street and (mind you I have not seen him in person in 8 months) just handing it to him, saying Happy Birthday, and then....I dont know. In my mind I envisioned just walking away, but various other daydreams include alternate endings such as him running after me telling me he misses me or something. I've been trying to be really, really strong since our Affair ended (again). After 4.5 years with someone on and off, it's been hard. I still have dreams that we are still seeing each other, and I wake up and almost have anxiety attacks sometimes because I still miss him so much some days. I have good days, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I don't think about him at all, which is a step up from the 24/7 thoughts of him I used to have, especially when the break up was fresh. But sometimes I have days when it bothers me more, and the last week or so has been that case. maybe because it's holiday season, maybe because it was his birthday this week and it's the first year in almost 5 years that I didn't do something special for him on that day. I don't know. Strangely I've been better with my perspectives or approach to dating since then, barring a few missteps (couple of a-holes, but that's by the by in any dating world...), but recently there's been a couple prospective guys showing sincere, kind interest. It's been me that's been hesitant about everything lately. Maybe that's a good thing. maybe not. I have no idea why I am babbling. i had the day off from work today and while I was cleaning my flat I came across this DVD sitting under a pile of papers on my desk and my heart sank a little because part of me still wants to go give it to him even to just see the reaction in his face to seeing me in person again after 8 months. I think at this point I start to believe that maybe I'll never be fully over him, that maybe at best I'll be lucky enough to just not think about him every day, or every week, but when I have those rare moments in which I'll be reminded of him I feel sometimes like those feelings will never really go away. Like I believe I may like someone else again, or love someone else again, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have "that" feeling again with anyone else. I've been much more positive lately (most of the time, anyway) about life in general....but today is just one of those days I need some reassurance that forcing myself to stay away from MM is really the best thing. Logically I know that it is, trust me....logic isn't what I lack. It's those darned emotions always getting in the way of logic :-P Anyway. That was my ramble for the day. Hope everyone is having a lovely December....2009 was gone way too fast and simultaneously way too slow all at once. *sigh* 2010 better be improved!
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 First I have to say, congrats and I'm proud of you for NOT calling yesterday! You should be proud of yourself too!! Kis, you are doing the right thing by staying in NC mode. No good can come of it, and infact, I think if you DO or DID get intouch with him, for about 10 seconds you would feel great, get a high..And then realize it was pointless..And the pain/heartache you'd feel by hearing his voice..Hearing what he has to say would upset you and make you feel awful. Stay strong and keep posting/venting here. I do know that when you're ready, a great (single) guy will come into your life when you least expect it. You will find love again..And this time it will be a healthier and open one, not one hidden behind closed doors and painful. You may always love and care for him..But just because you feel that way, doesn't mean to break NC or start things back up again. Remember he doesn't want to divorce, if anything, he just likes having his cake and eating it too! And you're better than being his side dish! Hugs and I hope this helps..
fooled once Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 ....because I'm having one of those days. Yesterday was MM's birthday and I was so, so so so so so tempted to call or make some kind of contact. I sat and stared at this DVD of a movie I saw in the store a few weeks ago and purchased purely because it is based on a book that he and I had a "thing" with , and this book will always, always remind me of him, the least of which is because the main characters in the book are having an affair, but he gave me this book in the office "secret santa" exchange before our own affair even started. It was quite prophetic in that way, but it's really a great classic as well by a great author. But I digress... Anyway so I've sat staring at this DVD really wanting to go give it to him. I envisioned myself just walking up to his office down the street and (mind you I have not seen him in person in 8 months) just handing it to him, saying Happy Birthday, and then....I dont know. In my mind I envisioned just walking away, but various other daydreams include alternate endings such as him running after me telling me he misses me or something. I've been trying to be really, really strong since our Affair ended (again). After 4.5 years with someone on and off, it's been hard. I still have dreams that we are still seeing each other, and I wake up and almost have anxiety attacks sometimes because I still miss him so much some days. I have good days, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I don't think about him at all, which is a step up from the 24/7 thoughts of him I used to have, especially when the break up was fresh. But sometimes I have days when it bothers me more, and the last week or so has been that case. maybe because it's holiday season, maybe because it was his birthday this week and it's the first year in almost 5 years that I didn't do something special for him on that day. I don't know. Strangely I've been better with my perspectives or approach to dating since then, barring a few missteps (couple of a-holes, but that's by the by in any dating world...), but recently there's been a couple prospective guys showing sincere, kind interest. It's been me that's been hesitant about everything lately. Maybe that's a good thing. maybe not. I have no idea why I am babbling. i had the day off from work today and while I was cleaning my flat I came across this DVD sitting under a pile of papers on my desk and my heart sank a little because part of me still wants to go give it to him even to just see the reaction in his face to seeing me in person again after 8 months. I think at this point I start to believe that maybe I'll never be fully over him, that maybe at best I'll be lucky enough to just not think about him every day, or every week, but when I have those rare moments in which I'll be reminded of him I feel sometimes like those feelings will never really go away. Like I believe I may like someone else again, or love someone else again, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have "that" feeling again with anyone else. I've been much more positive lately (most of the time, anyway) about life in general....but today is just one of those days I need some reassurance that forcing myself to stay away from MM is really the best thing. Logically I know that it is, trust me....logic isn't what I lack. It's those darned emotions always getting in the way of logic :-P Anyway. That was my ramble for the day. Hope everyone is having a lovely December....2009 was gone way too fast and simultaneously way too slow all at once. *sigh* 2010 better be improved! You have done amazing. If I had placed a bet 8 months ago, I would have bet you would have broken NC. I would have bet you would be willing to go back to being 2nd. But you haven't. I am so proud of you! I wonder if he thought of you on your birthday the way you did on his? My bet is no. Anyway, I am so proud of you. You are doing great. 2009 was a very hard year for you; but a lot of growth on WHO KG is was done. 2010 WILL be an improvement because you have higher expectations of yourself and what you will and won't accept. Keep going KB! You are doing good!
Author KismetGirl Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 First I have to say, congrats and I'm proud of you for NOT calling yesterday! You should be proud of yourself too!! Kis, you are doing the right thing by staying in NC mode. No good can come of it, and infact, I think if you DO or DID get intouch with him, for about 10 seconds you would feel great, get a high..And then realize it was pointless..And the pain/heartache you'd feel by hearing his voice..Hearing what he has to say would upset you and make you feel awful. Stay strong and keep posting/venting here. I do know that when you're ready, a great (single) guy will come into your life when you least expect it. You will find love again..And this time it will be a healthier and open one, not one hidden behind closed doors and painful. You may always love and care for him..But just because you feel that way, doesn't mean to break NC or start things back up again. Remember he doesn't want to divorce, if anything, he just likes having his cake and eating it too! And you're better than being his side dish! Hugs and I hope this helps.. WWIU Hey, how are you? Thanks for the words, they are helpful. I think I just need reassurance sometimes that my head is doing the right thing even if my "heart" feels otherwise sometimes. You've no idea how tempted I was to call or something the last couple days but I haven't....I keep reminding myself that even if we start up again, that I'll just be left dissapointed and I tell myself I'm doing the right thing by just letting him focus on his family. His kids need him more than I do, right? I'd be crushed if I found out he ever had an affair with someone new....god, don't even want to think about that. My last semblence of sanity about the affair at all was that I was fairly certain that, aside from his wife, I was the only one. But let's not think about that. Stay positive positive positive and stay away from him....and hope one day I'm ready and able to feel that spark again. Thanks again for the kind words, they are a help. Hope all is well! :-)
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 We all have days of melancholy and remembering, even us FBS:p It passes. They get fewer and fewer, farther and farther in between. The don't take you as low or last as long. Soon they will be an echo somewhere in the back of your mind. A passing thought, a brief smile or frown and then living takes hold again. Seems as if you have decided life is worth living.
hopeless4u Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 ....because I'm having one of those days. Yesterday was MM's birthday and I was so, so so so so so tempted to call or make some kind of contact. I sat and stared at this DVD of a movie I saw in the store a few weeks ago and purchased purely because it is based on a book that he and I had a "thing" with , and this book will always, always remind me of him, the least of which is because the main characters in the book are having an affair, but he gave me this book in the office "secret santa" exchange before our own affair even started. It was quite prophetic in that way, but it's really a great classic as well by a great author. But I digress... Anyway so I've sat staring at this DVD really wanting to go give it to him. I envisioned myself just walking up to his office down the street and (mind you I have not seen him in person in 8 months) just handing it to him, saying Happy Birthday, and then....I dont know. In my mind I envisioned just walking away, but various other daydreams include alternate endings such as him running after me telling me he misses me or something. I've been trying to be really, really strong since our Affair ended (again). After 4.5 years with someone on and off, it's been hard. I still have dreams that we are still seeing each other, and I wake up and almost have anxiety attacks sometimes because I still miss him so much some days. I have good days, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I don't think about him at all, which is a step up from the 24/7 thoughts of him I used to have, especially when the break up was fresh. But sometimes I have days when it bothers me more, and the last week or so has been that case. maybe because it's holiday season, maybe because it was his birthday this week and it's the first year in almost 5 years that I didn't do something special for him on that day. I don't know. Strangely I've been better with my perspectives or approach to dating since then, barring a few missteps (couple of a-holes, but that's by the by in any dating world...), but recently there's been a couple prospective guys showing sincere, kind interest. It's been me that's been hesitant about everything lately. Maybe that's a good thing. maybe not. I have no idea why I am babbling. i had the day off from work today and while I was cleaning my flat I came across this DVD sitting under a pile of papers on my desk and my heart sank a little because part of me still wants to go give it to him even to just see the reaction in his face to seeing me in person again after 8 months. I think at this point I start to believe that maybe I'll never be fully over him, that maybe at best I'll be lucky enough to just not think about him every day, or every week, but when I have those rare moments in which I'll be reminded of him I feel sometimes like those feelings will never really go away. Like I believe I may like someone else again, or love someone else again, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have "that" feeling again with anyone else. I've been much more positive lately (most of the time, anyway) about life in general....but today is just one of those days I need some reassurance that forcing myself to stay away from MM is really the best thing. Logically I know that it is, trust me....logic isn't what I lack. It's those darned emotions always getting in the way of logic :-P Anyway. That was my ramble for the day. Hope everyone is having a lovely December....2009 was gone way too fast and simultaneously way too slow all at once. *sigh* 2010 better be improved![/Q Not sure if this makes me feel good or bad....this could be me posting in a few months!! I was hoping that when I got to where you are the pain and the wanting him would have subsided but from what you say it won't. I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion and truly hope it gets better for the both of us....x
Author KismetGirl Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Not sure if this makes me feel good or bad....this could be me posting in a few months!! I was hoping that when I got to where you are the pain and the wanting him would have subsided but from what you say it won't. I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion and truly hope it gets better for the both of us....x Oh, don't despair. This is much better than how I was 8 months ago. I was devastated every day, all day, crying and thinking I'd never even be attracted to anyone else again. Today I was just having a bad day, but they do get much more sporadic. I can't say I have totally forgotten about him, but I can't say I expect to do so after only 8 months. After all....our affair was like 4.5 years. But please do not take my posting as a bad sign, because its really much better now than it was ! I think back to during the affair, when I felt torn, how every day was this emotional rollercoaster wondering if he's going to break up with me, if his wife is going to find out, crying when he went home to his family every day, cryng when he missed my birthday because his wife was onto him. I mean, compared to back then....yes, I will probably always feel some fondness for the good moments we had, but it does get easier as time goes, so don't despair. There's no definite timeline for this, it's different for everyone. Am I a little cynical about feeling that "spark" again? Sure, but I think that's probably normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel exactly with anyone else how I felt with him, but then again, each person is supposed to make us feel a bit differently right? Im still hopeful I'll find someone that I click really well with, and my heart feels that emotional tug now and then (like today), but in this case I think it's better I went with my head and not my heart, as it were, in choosing not to contact him again in all these months. I think BNB said it best actually: "We all have days of melancholy and remembering, even us FBS:p It passes. They get fewer and fewer, farther and farther in between. The don't take you as low or last as long. Soon they will be an echo somewhere in the back of your mind. A passing thought, a brief smile or frown and then living takes hold again. Seems as if you have decided life is worth living." Took me ages to be able to let go, and I have my days, but thats why I vent here and to my friends, and it springs me back into the reality that I could just deal with these bad days , that get more rare as time goes, or I could go back to being someone's second best hidden secret, and I think in the end everyone deserves more than that....good luck :-)
hopeless4u Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Oh, don't despair. This is much better than how I was 8 months ago. I was devastated every day, all day, crying and thinking I'd never even be attracted to anyone else again. Today I was just having a bad day, but they do get much more sporadic. I can't say I have totally forgotten about him, but I can't say I expect to do so after only 8 months. After all....our affair was like 4.5 years. But please do not take my posting as a bad sign, because its really much better now than it was ! I think back to during the affair, when I felt torn, how every day was this emotional rollercoaster wondering if he's going to break up with me, if his wife is going to find out, crying when he went home to his family every day, cryng when he missed my birthday because his wife was onto him. I mean, compared to back then....yes, I will probably always feel some fondness for the good moments we had, but it does get easier as time goes, so don't despair. There's no definite timeline for this, it's different for everyone. Am I a little cynical about feeling that "spark" again? Sure, but I think that's probably normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel exactly with anyone else how I felt with him, but then again, each person is supposed to make us feel a bit differently right? Im still hopeful I'll find someone that I click really well with, and my heart feels that emotional tug now and then (like today), but in this case I think it's better I went with my head and not my heart, as it were, in choosing not to contact him again in all these months. I think BNB said it best actually: "We all have days of melancholy and remembering, even us FBS:p It passes. They get fewer and fewer, farther and farther in between. The don't take you as low or last as long. Soon they will be an echo somewhere in the back of your mind. A passing thought, a brief smile or frown and then living takes hold again. Seems as if you have decided life is worth living." Took me ages to be able to let go, and I have my days, but thats why I vent here and to my friends, and it springs me back into the reality that I could just deal with these bad days , that get more rare as time goes, or I could go back to being someone's second best hidden secret, and I think in the end everyone deserves more than that....good luck :-) Thank You. He is still in my life at the moment, I ended the PA a few weeks ago but circumstances mean he is still around and I'm dreading the NC We also work together so complete NC isn't an option but we both know this is what needs to be done. We've talked about it and both agree that he has to get his life in order and he can't do that with me in it. I think what makes it hard and I know some will disagree but he does think of my feelings and he does admit all his faults, he has never once tried to defend himself. Deep down he is a good man, its just a shame he has no backbone to either tell his W he wants to leave or me he wants to end things. I know if I let him, he would carry this on forever because he thinks he is keeping everyone happy and not hurting anyone but in reality (we can both see this now) he isn't keeping anyone happy, his W has no idea why he is so distant (he says, i beg to differ) and I just spend most of my life torturing myself with images of him at home. Finding LS for me has been a huge help and hopefully I will make it this time, I know I will never forget him and I can't ever imagine not feeling that pain in my heart when I think of him but hopefully it will get easier and like you say less frequent.
doushenka Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Kismet, would it help if you gave away the DVD, say, to Goodwill or your local library? At this point, it sounds like more of a memento of the affair than something you enjoy on its own merits. I know I'd be hurting, too, if I broke up with Beloved and kept his gifts on my bookshelf. (Man buys me books. Man knows me.) ...and now I'm curious as to which classic tale it is! It may be time for the DVD to find a loving home with someone who hasn't got any emotional ties to the story.
Flabbergaster Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 (edited) Kismet When i read your comments in this thread, i strongly hear you saying "I want to matter to him." As a mm... I'm sure you do matter to him, very much. I'm sure he suffers at the loss of you from his life. In fact, if he sees the dvd in the store he probably thinks of you. Trust me...I know it to be true. You don't need to talk to him to know this, ok? The fact that he feels this way...pity him, as you continue to move away from him. Give the dvd away. You bought it for yourself, so you could bask in a nice memory. It was nice! Now let the memory (and the dvd) slip away without risking yourself. The one for you is out there, and single. Keep doing the good work of NC so you can let go of "Mr just-wasn't-right" Edited December 14, 2009 by Flabbergaster
Author KismetGirl Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Kismet, would it help if you gave away the DVD, say, to Goodwill or your local library? At this point, it sounds like more of a memento of the affair than something you enjoy on its own merits. I know I'd be hurting, too, if I broke up with Beloved and kept his gifts on my bookshelf. (Man buys me books. Man knows me.) ...and now I'm curious as to which classic tale it is! It may be time for the DVD to find a loving home with someone who hasn't got any emotional ties to the story. Yes....Man bought me many books. He bought me the book the DVD is based on the first month I worked with him before our affair even started. He got me as his secret santa recipient, and he gave me one of his favourite books that just so happened to involve the main character and his torrid yet sexy affair with a woman-artist in the city. Like I said, pretty prophetic. You can't imagine how thrilled he was the day I played out one of the scenes in that book for him. I'd give you a hint on what tale this is but I'm mildly paranoid it's too much specific information, tho god knows if MM or his wife happened to peruse my old posts they are probably way to specific as it is. Yeah, I might just give it away. Somehow I can't bear to part with the book of the same tale though, and somehow it almost doesn't matter. I don't have to see if to remember I guess. Maybe I'll just bury it deep in a box somewhere until the day I can watch it again without feeling like my heart is going to rush out of my chest...
sugarmomma Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I would throw that DVD in the garbage and get on with the business of living life! When you allow yourself to fall in love with an available person, he will become a distant memory. 8 months has passed and he has went on with his life as if you never existed. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it might help to treat him the same way. This too shall pass.
Author KismetGirl Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Kismet When i read your comments in this thread, i strongly hear you saying "I want to matter to him." As a mm... I'm sure you do matter to him, very much. I'm sure he suffers at the loss of you from his life. In fact, if he sees the dvd in the store he probably thinks of you. Trust me...I know it to be true. You don't need to talk to him to know this, ok? The fact that he feels this way...pity him, as you continue to move away from him. Give the dvd away. You bought it for yourself, so you could bask in a nice memory. It was nice! Now let the memory (and the dvd) slip away without risking yourself. The one for you is out there, and single. Keep doing the good work of NC so you can let go of "Mr just-wasn't-right" Hi there Of course I want to matter to him! I think even when you hate the person you break up with, you normally want to think that somehow they are suffering because you aren't around. And I dont hate him. I hate things he did, but him I don't hate. I don't know that I could, really. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love anyone again the same way. Honestly, lately Im of the mindset that I can be attracted to other men, and enjoy their company, and be comfortable with them, but I doubt my ability to ever feel "that spark" again. And I do miss that. Im kind of dating two guys right now, both single, both seem to like me, and Im rather closed off and sarcastic about everything with them. In due time, maybe. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me, and it doesnt matter, and I'll never know, but I guess you can't help have those thoughts sometimes? After 4.5 years I have to wonder if he still thinks of me as he drives past my apartment building on his way home, or if he's gotten to where he doesn't give it a second thought and its just another building to pass on the drive home. Or if he sees the books I bought for him, signed first copes that I knew he'd love, sitting in plain sight in his house on the bookshelves, where his wife likely sees them every day and has no clue that her husband's ex-OW gave them to him. I wonder if he ever picks them up and looks at them and smiles knowing someone who really cared about him gave those to him. Or if he's just forgotten, or worse, grown to resent me somehow for being that constant temptation in his life. Not that I made him cheat or anything, but people often want to blame other people when they're feeling guilty, and I guarantee you his wife has been pissed off for months following their last D-Day. I saw pictures of them online and you can tell by the body language in the photos that there is some tense awkwardness in the way they are standing and leaning away from each other even though he's got his arm around her in one photo. But hey....she got over it the other ten times she caught him lying, I suppose she's decided to do it again. Anyway I'll be ok, I just have days sometimes when Im a bit more cynical and longing than usual for those moments we used to share, even if deep down I know they were fleeting, at best. But man, for fleeting moments, they were unduly intense. surely it will exist again with someone else, but that remains largely to be seen....
Author KismetGirl Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I would throw that DVD in the garbage and get on with the business of living life! When you allow yourself to fall in love with an available person, he will become a distant memory. 8 months has passed and he has went on with his life as if you never existed. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it might help to treat him the same way. This too shall pass. Well, this too shall pass yes. It all passes eventually eh? I told my friend today that the two other guys Im kind of seeing at the moment both called me yesterday to say hi and etc because they are both going out of town to see family for a couple weeks for the holidays, and I told her I think its funny they are quite adamant about calling when they say they will because I sort of act like I don't care. Funny how that seems to work....when you dont' care, they are all over, and when you do, they are difficult about it. I told her I can't even tell anymore if Im being held-back with them because Im just not fully into them, or if Im just purposefully not allowing myself to like anyone. It's honestly the first period in my life where I have such difficulty discerning the two! It owuld be nice to just forget it all completely and really like someone new, but its the waiting, waiting, waiting game. Not much else to do right? Time time time, as they say. Just time.
Hazyhead Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 After reading your post I'm filled with admiration for you, that you have been so strong over the past months. It also scares me that I have this to face myself. I only hope I can be as strong as you, even though the hurt will be bad. Keep the DVD yourself in the hope that one day you'll be able to come back to it without the crushing heartbreak.
Flabbergaster Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Yeah...the heaviness of being really really sucks, some days. I hear you. It's actually why I gave you those thoughts. It does matter...for your pride. Unless he was a complete douche in it just for the sex...then yes, he thinks about you. Probably will for a long time. Probably misses you, terribly. DOESN'T mean you are going back, of course. We both know you're smarter than that. The A i'm in...was anything ever this intense? no. Will anything ever be this intense? no. Will i spend years damaged when she leaves / when i push her away to safety? OH yes...this one will never be far from my thoughts. I'll bet that he cherishes those books, because they came from you. Maybe he had to sacrifice some things as obvious gifts from you...bet he lied his ass off to keep some things, and now and then he probably holds them and cries. (btw this is supposed to sound pathetic...because it IS...) So what does this mean to you, now? It means you're not a chump for wanting him to feel the same pain that you do. It means you're going to keep looking for single men. It means that you'll eventually be able to forget some of the pain, and remember 'good' moments from that relationship. It means you can have loving pity for him as a person...and move on with your love life (which doesn't include him). If you don't find the intense pain that you had (nights that you couldn't talk...days that you couldn't talk)...do you need the intense fun? Maybe "just happiness" will be enough, if the pain isn't there, right? You are SO SO together with this program. Even on a day with pain and longing. When I hit NC, i hope that she and I both have your dignity and strength. Stay the course, Kismet. Of course I want to matter to him! I think even when you hate the person you break up with, you normally want to think that somehow they are suffering because you aren't around. [snip] Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love anyone again the same way. [snip] Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me, and it doesnt matter, and I'll never know, but I guess you can't help have those thoughts sometimes?[snip] Anyway I'll be ok, I just have days sometimes when Im a bit more cynical and longing than usual [snip] QUOTE]
Author KismetGirl Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 *gasp*!!!!! Flabbergaster, either you have inadvertently alluded to the book/DVD in question by accident, or you actually picked up on my subtle hints as to what it was ;-) Job well done. It is a lovely book though isn't it? One of my favourites for many reasons.... You're right, it does matter for my pride a little. I feel much differently if I convince myself that yes, he looks at those books I bought him sometimes, or drives past my apartment some days, and thinks of me fondly and misses me just as I do to him sometimes. Even the thought of him just being back with his wife only doesnt bother me as much as would the thought of him having another affair with someone else, probably because I would feel like our 4.5 years were little more than convenience to him and he just moved on to someone else. Which I don't think he has. He was many things, but a serial cheater wasn't one of them....as he used to joke sometimes...he'd never done it before and after me he was never doing it again. I keep trying to move on. As tempted as I am I havent gone to see him, which I often think, if I did, if I just stood in front of him again as I had so many times before, he'd crumble again, like he always did before. I was looking at photos of him the other day and my heart still skips looking at his smile, sadly, it does. He's hot, plain and simple. The man was one of the few people who made me just....god too graphic to say here...but suffice to say it was always a spark with him, in every way, and the key is that that intensity went both ways between him and I. Mentally and physically. I miss that, and I keep wondering if anyone will make me feel that way again and that is probably would keeps me having these moments once in a while still. And yes, just as you say, I wonder sometimes if the lack of pain is worth it to just be "comfortable" with someone, as opposed to the intense two ends of the spectrum I had with him, which was both intense pleasure and intense pain. Can I not have one without the other? Perhaps I am doomed to relationships of comfort? they won't be all bad I guess. It's the sort of relationship MM has with his wife. It's possible to be generally happy that way. But I wonder. I try to keep dignity, save face, keep the course. I come here when Im having weak moments, or I talk to certain friends, to keep myself distracted from that temptation to just show up on his doorstep at work and just say "hello". I daresay its been among the hardest things I have ever had to do, and let me tell you, I've had some trials in my short life thus far , but emotionally this has got to be one of the toughest Ive had to deal with purely dealing with my own sanity. Normally I throw myself into caring for other people, being the strong one, work and school, and every other thing....but this, this situation has forced my focus right onto myself and my own weaknesses, and that's tough sometimes. Im not one to admit to weakness easily in my life generally. Anyway, thanks for the kind words. It means alot for me to believe that even if we are not meant to be, that he misses me as much as I miss him sometimes. And touche if you did figure out the story ;-) My very being can be quite nearly unbearable in it's heaviness, indeed. Cheers KG Yeah...the heaviness of being really really sucks, some days. I hear you. It's actually why I gave you those thoughts. It does matter...for your pride. Unless he was a complete douche in it just for the sex...then yes, he thinks about you. Probably will for a long time. Probably misses you, terribly. DOESN'T mean you are going back, of course. We both know you're smarter than that. The A i'm in...was anything ever this intense? no. Will anything ever be this intense? no. Will i spend years damaged when she leaves / when i push her away to safety? OH yes...this one will never be far from my thoughts. I'll bet that he cherishes those books, because they came from you. Maybe he had to sacrifice some things as obvious gifts from you...bet he lied his ass off to keep some things, and now and then he probably holds them and cries. (btw this is supposed to sound pathetic...because it IS...) So what does this mean to you, now? It means you're not a chump for wanting him to feel the same pain that you do. It means you're going to keep looking for single men. It means that you'll eventually be able to forget some of the pain, and remember 'good' moments from that relationship. It means you can have loving pity for him as a person...and move on with your love life (which doesn't include him). If you don't find the intense pain that you had (nights that you couldn't talk...days that you couldn't talk)...do you need the intense fun? Maybe "just happiness" will be enough, if the pain isn't there, right? You are SO SO together with this program. Even on a day with pain and longing. When I hit NC, i hope that she and I both have your dignity and strength. Stay the course, Kismet. Of course I want to matter to him! I think even when you hate the person you break up with, you normally want to think that somehow they are suffering because you aren't around. [snip] Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love anyone again the same way. [snip] Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me, and it doesnt matter, and I'll never know, but I guess you can't help have those thoughts sometimes?[snip] Anyway I'll be ok, I just have days sometimes when Im a bit more cynical and longing than usual [snip] QUOTE]
crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 All the best to you. You sound very strong and just keep that head up high. You're doing good and give some great insight into the aftermath settling from the devastation of what is an A. You have helped me today with NC. Thank you.
summerautumn Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Kismet Girl! I was thinking of you yesterday! So glad to read an update from you! I undersdand your emotions, and I definitely empathise, it is not easy to have experienced such intensity and have to live without it now, and seemingly have to make do with the much more plain reality. I will however offer some different perspective on what you are experiencing right now. Your quote, "we don't see people as they are, we see them as we are". That's is such an Awesome quote, one of my favorites! It has two keys in the way I interpret it. One is, if we see people as we are and they are our mirrors, then what you see him as, super attractive, irresistable, is what you are! Also, the hesitation you saw in him, and ultimately the choice he made, how does that reflect you? In what ways have you being like this in your life? I really don't buy the whole settle down for boredom and complacency thing! That is so not the answer for someone as passionate as you are(nor anyone else for that matter). If that is what you take from this experience, you will be robbing yourself from tremendous fun! The only thing that you really "need" to do is to change who you are, or more aptly, see you beauty and magnificence, and not feel you have to apologize for it or tone yourself down, and then you will attract the people and situations in your life that will the best for you. Right now you may not know "how", "who", and "where" but stuff will shift for you so fast you will be truly amazed! And the whole saving face thing, that's just your own guilt that you are carrying around like a bag of bricks. Let that go, just realize that this is your inability to accept yourself as you are, fully, 100%. I know, easier said than done, but can just see all this guilt literally in a bag, and drop it in a large body of water, or attach it to 10 baloons and watch it fly away. It is not you. See yourself as you Really Are in the New Year - an amazing human being full of love! Cheers!
Susmay Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 *gasp*!!!!! Flabbergaster, either you have inadvertently alluded to the book/DVD in question by accident, or you actually picked up on my subtle hints as to what it was ;-) Job well done. It is a lovely book though isn't it? One of my favourites for many reasons.... The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1984), by Milan Kundera ?
Author KismetGirl Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 All the best to you. You sound very strong and just keep that head up high. You're doing good and give some great insight into the aftermath settling from the devastation of what is an A. You have helped me today with NC. Thank you. Ah, thanks! If I've helped even one other person then it's worth it I suppose :-) Sometimes I don't feel very strong, but I guess I could be worse off! I still have my doubtful moments, my cynicism in ever finding real love or passion again, but hopefully that feeling will fade more as time goes. Suppose it takes time....hasn't even been one full year since the affair ended yet, though sometimes it feels like its been much longer than that. Don't know what your situation is exactly, but keep it going. No matter what it is, if he's still married and you're still longing, being away from him will always be better in the long run, so keep going :-) and good luck
Author KismetGirl Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Thanks Summer :-) It's good to keep hearing the support from people, even though none of you know me in real life ;-) It is hard, I miss that intensity, that feeling of looking in someone's eyes and just feeling that torrid mix of passion, lust, emotion, love, and everything else. That butterfly knowing you'll see them any minute now, and how seeing them never gets old even after four years of it....I miss that terribly, I must say, and sometimes I do have those moments where I relegate myself to accepting that maybe I'll never have it again. Whether or not that is true remains to be seen-- it's not definite that I will find someone to make me feel that way again, there's no rule that says I must find a true love, right? It would be nice ,but it doesn't happen for everyone. I guess I'll find out eventually. I've got alot going on in life right now that I should be focusing on, and I don't spend every moment of every day thinking of MM like I used to, so hey, every day is a step in the right direction, I think, barring the occasional day or moment or whatever that I do think of him, but it seems that gets more sporadic as time goes. I love that quote too, thanks ! It is true, I think. We often see other people in our own way, and not necessarily how other people see them, or how they really are. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he has gone back to a lifeless, dull relationship and that he is also missing the passion we had, and whether or not its true its probably best that I believe it. Easier than thinking he's happier not having me around! :-) I know in some ways that yes, he hasn't got that guilt on him of sneaking around anymore, which is better for him, but I like to think that he kept coming back over and over for four years because I gave him something he was direly missing. Sex is easy enough to get on its own. His wife gives it to him, I know that much now. So if that was all, I dont think he would have come back over and over for years to me, so I get some solace thinking that. But on to the future now. I am a good person, and a funny one, and an intelligent one, and a caring one, and hopefully one day in the not so distant future I will find someone that I can experience that mutual feeling of intensity with! I hope you are doing well too :-) Thanks for saying hello ! And happy new years :-D Kismet Girl! I was thinking of you yesterday! So glad to read an update from you! I undersdand your emotions, and I definitely empathise, it is not easy to have experienced such intensity and have to live without it now, and seemingly have to make do with the much more plain reality. I will however offer some different perspective on what you are experiencing right now. Your quote, "we don't see people as they are, we see them as we are". That's is such an Awesome quote, one of my favorites! It has two keys in the way I interpret it. One is, if we see people as we are and they are our mirrors, then what you see him as, super attractive, irresistable, is what you are! Also, the hesitation you saw in him, and ultimately the choice he made, how does that reflect you? In what ways have you being like this in your life? I really don't buy the whole settle down for boredom and complacency thing! That is so not the answer for someone as passionate as you are(nor anyone else for that matter). If that is what you take from this experience, you will be robbing yourself from tremendous fun! The only thing that you really "need" to do is to change who you are, or more aptly, see you beauty and magnificence, and not feel you have to apologize for it or tone yourself down, and then you will attract the people and situations in your life that will the best for you. Right now you may not know "how", "who", and "where" but stuff will shift for you so fast you will be truly amazed! And the whole saving face thing, that's just your own guilt that you are carrying around like a bag of bricks. Let that go, just realize that this is your inability to accept yourself as you are, fully, 100%. I know, easier said than done, but can just see all this guilt literally in a bag, and drop it in a large body of water, or attach it to 10 baloons and watch it fly away. It is not you. See yourself as you Really Are in the New Year - an amazing human being full of love! Cheers!
2sunny Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 happy new year Kismet - glad you're staying on a path to show you what healthy and happy looks like. good work.
Luckyluss Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hi Kismet, I read your posts and find myself in them. I'm in the same situation as yours. I'm in pain more times than not. You can read my post of today where I mention why I broke it off my A. Over six weeks and very much aching but with the knowledge I did the right thing. Every day you are doing teh right thing. Like you, I would like to know if he misses me. If our breakup shook him up to his senses (he claimed to be incredibly unhappy and had plans to break off his M right about now - right!). If he thinks of me and compares our connection to the one he has now w/ his W. But I don;t know, because I never heard from him again. I wish he would have put up resistance to letting me go (even though I let HIM go) But that's our ego speaking, because truly, we may be without our love, but al least our self-esteem is intact. And even if, like you, I'm dating and feel dead inside, maybe one day we'll find someone who will move us again. And yes, it is funny to see hoe interested guys become when we present them with a challenge due to OUR lack of interest! Courage. Each day you don;t pick up that phone is a victory. And Happy New Year!
Always A Lesson Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Kismet, I'm so happy for you. You give me hope, I never really told my story on LS. Never really had a great R in my life and I'm 46. Met this guy he said he's separated for 6 months, I said me too been separated for 10+ years, but been working on the D... Reason being,not even sure what state this man is in. Anyway, Mr. Nice guy and I went out and started dating, Something about him blew me away from the start, guys usually grow on me, but this guy, blew me away. (I'm getting sick)thinking about it. Anyway, he created a R for me but I wasn't part of his full life. Strange thing is he fed me the line of "I filed for D and the lawyers are talking it'll be a surprise for you when all is done" And then out the blue one day said" do you want to live together or get married right away? I looked at him and said" first let's both become single! It was him that spoke about love and he fell in love with me. We dated 7 months btw. I saw some red flags but I was in denial, I was in need of a loving and caring relationship and it just felt good. Another strange thing is he met my family and wanted to meet my minister who is related to me. I never took him over there, something didn't feel right, and I didn' want them to point it out to me. Still in denial. One relative came to me with news that she heard the guy was fooling me and was working it out with his wife, he denied it. Long story short, one night I busted him at the wife's house, called there 3:30 am and told her my name and I'm the "OW" put him on, she said he's sleeping (she didn't even sound upset). Well the coward called me back to just verify me voice and I left him a "why you lied to me message on his phone". He called the next day , I didn't respond. 1 week later ..He left a " I sincerely apologize message and I've made some mistakes and don't hate god for his mistakes ???????. Oh, in his message he said" since your not answering my call this is my last call" good-bye,, ouch that really hurt. I haven't spoken to him in 2 months. When I say my heart bleeds for him I mean it. Oh, my 20 year old daughter took it upon herself to text him and tell him, to call me (this happened in mid-dec). that it was hurtful seeing me this way, he said what do I say?? she won't even talk to me? lastly, he said how's the family? she didn't respond and neither did he after that. Do you think he'll ever call? I'm getting on with my life and yes, the pain does get easier to tolerate. But we never really had closure. My heart was left opened. He used to love me sooo much, I can't believe he didn't contact me for the holidays. I'm doing NC and somehow I'm making a strong statement to him. I've learned separated does not equal single. This guy walked around like he was single????? will he ever call???? Just one more time....I need to hear his voice.
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