Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 The short version: I met this awesome girl. Never married, no kids, a Doctor, my age, and sexy as hell... She has no qualms hanging out with me, kissing me, and having sex with me. She is very nurturing and affectionate towards me. She smiles and laughs around me and has a great time with me... I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. She has said, "I want to be friends" but also that she "doesn't know what this (the relationship) is." Can someone help me get a window into her way of thinking? I feel like I hit a brick wall when I try to figure out what she wants. I'm so utterly confused. The long version: I met this awesome girl. Never married, no kids, a Doctor, my age, and sexy as hell... The thing is, I went on a date with her and I thought everything was going well. She had coffee and dinner with me and she even came back to my apartment to watch TV with me. We made out, but it was just kissing and caressing. The night ends, and I ask her if she wants to do it again, she says yes, I'm thinking, this is awesome. She calls me when she gets home and tells me that she just wants to be friends... I'm dumbfounded. I felt led-on. During the conversation, I learned that she knew the moment she met me that she couldn't see us together. Yet during making out, she was telling me how sexy I am and how attracted she is to me and how comfortable and good she feels around me. And it's not like we were having shallow conversation at the restaurant, either. Naturally, I'm a little upset, the words "just friends" are man-bane. I tell her that I'm only interested in relationships and I wish her well. Her: "Are you upset?" Me: "Yeah I thought we were doing well. I've never been told, 'I find you very attractive, let's just be friends.' If you knew at coffee, why did you continue it?" She apologized profusely and wanted me to just be friends with her. I felt like I had been kidnapped, blindfolded, and fired out of a cannon backwards, naked. My mind was spinning and all I could think was, "WTF?" So I let her go abruptly, she sends me a couple text messages apologizing and I just knock out and head to bed. The next morning, after a goodnight's rest, I sent her a text message apologizing if I was mean and that I'd like to be her friend. I got over it pretty quickly. That night, I made steaks and invited her over for dinner. I totally expected her to avoid it. Contrary to every instinct that told me that the first date would be the last time I see her, she accepts and comes over... again, I'm perplexed. We eat and have good conversation, she enjoys my cooking. I'm pleased with the meal. We put on a movie and sit down to watch. I keep my distance trying to respect her space. She closes the gap. She asks me to make out with her. One thing leads to another, and apparently she is attracted to me, because there is a 'quantifiable' effect that I have on her anatomy... She stays for breakfast. So the whole week after, she is distant, only calling me occasionally. I don't call her because I really like her, but I don't want to push it. She came over the next weekend, I made her dinner, rinse, repeat. I'm trying to keep from pushing for more, but I feel like she is giving me mixed signals. I find myself laughing hysterically around her because she just makes my brain hurt. She is very affectionate and sweet to me but she comes across deadly serious when she tells me that we are just friends... apparently with benefits.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) Just stop talking to her. You and her both know what you want, so if she decides that she really wants your company she knows where to find you. Other than that just leave her alone entirely and let her make a decision. Or just keep banging her for while, then go cold and tell her you want more. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to put a label on it though. From everything you described about her..I'd take what she's offering. Edited December 8, 2009 by BackUpOrGetStung
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Just stop talking to her. You and her both know what you want, so if she decides that she really wants your company she knows where to find you. Other than that just leave her alone entirely and let her make a decision. Or just keep banging her for while, then go cold and tell her you want more. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to put a label on it though. From everything you described about her..I'd take what she's offering. I guess I'm just not used to the idea of 'sex with no strings attached' as she purports this to be. It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's just my own mental block.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Is she recently out of a relationship? She might be having commitment issues or there is something she didn't like along the way. by the way LOVE Without Feathers, cool reference!
O'Malley Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 She's using you to tide herself over until someone better comes along. When that happens, there won't be any mixed signals, precisely because she won't want to hang out with you anymore. If this isn't what you're looking for, stop contacting her completely (be prepared for her to contact you once you stop paying her attention). Or make it clear that all you can offer her is friendship -- no cuddling, no flirting, no sex, each of you goes dutch if you go out. Behave with her in the same manner as you would your guy friends. Either way, redirect your focus to meeting/dating other women.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I am in the same situation as this woman. She wants to be friends, hang out, and have sex, but does not want a relationship with you. If that's what you want, too, or if you are OK with that, proceed. If not, stop seeing her, or be purely platonic friends only.
deux ex machina Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I really don't think you'll be satisfied with anything less than all in with her, Z. I don't want you to get hurt.
kizik Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You want more than just sex. She does not. You are what the French call incompatible.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Is she recently out of a relationship? She might be having commitment issues or there is something she didn't like along the way. by the way LOVE Without Feathers, cool reference! No... apparently single for a while.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 She's using you to tide herself over until someone better comes along. When that happens, there won't be any mixed signals, precisely because she won't want to hang out with you anymore. If this isn't what you're looking for, stop contacting her completely (be prepared for her to contact you once you stop paying her attention). Or make it clear that all you can offer her is friendship -- no cuddling, no flirting, no sex, each of you goes dutch if you go out. Behave with her in the same manner as you would your guy friends. Either way, redirect your focus to meeting/dating other women. The truth is painful and you just gave me a boot to the head... funny how clear everything looks now though.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I really don't think you'll be satisfied with anything less than all in with her, Z. I don't want you to get hurt. Awww... you make me feel loved.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 by the way LOVE Without Feathers, cool reference! Woody Allen is a trip. I studied him in Film School. I laughed a lot in that class.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 So I guess what I'm getting from your wonderful brains is that unless I think this would be something I can 'handle,' I should prolly just GTFO and run. That's kinda sad. She was what I'm looking for, just minus this. So if I do the math, she isn't what I'm looking for... :sigh: Grrr
kizik Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'll trade positions with you, if you like; you can masturbate in front of my computer while I bone your NSA hottie.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I'll trade positions with you, if you like; you can masturbate in front of my computer while I bone your NSA hottie. I have my own computer, thank you. lol
CLC2008 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Isn't that every guy's dream? You should count yourself lucky OP.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Isn't that every guy's dream? You should count yourself lucky OP. I guess I'm not every guy. Sex without meaning is exactly that, meaningless. Besides, I see where O'Malley is coming from and I think he's right. I stand to get hurt because I came into it looking for more and while I'd like to tell myself that I should just disconnect my emotions, keep drinking, and let the fun continue, this is one hangover that I don't think I want. Especially not since I just got through a major bout of depression and I'm feeling good for a change. I think it's better that it ends on good terms instead of being replaced.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I am with the others who say ditch this chick. For whatever reason, and it will drive yourself mad trying to guess what it is, she does not want anything more than this little arrangement she has with you. Do yourself a favor and move on. Our of sight our of mind, my friend. Woody Allen is a trip. I studied him in Film School. I laughed a lot in that class. I have all his books, a master indeed.
CLC2008 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I guess I'm not every guy. Sex without meaning is exactly that, meaningless. Besides, I see where O'Malley is coming from and I think he's right. I stand to get hurt because I came into it looking for more and while I'd like to tell myself that I should just disconnect my emotions, keep drinking, and let the fun continue, this is one hangover that I don't think I want. Especially not since I just got through a major bout of depression and I'm feeling good for a change. I think it's better that it ends on good terms instead of being replaced. I hear ya.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I just gave her a call. It's weird but I actually feel a sense of relief. I'll miss her but there's nothing I can do about that. She tried convincing me to stick around and I basically told her that we can't give each other what the other wants. She was understanding, but she kept trying to push me to be friends with her and I told her that it wasn't going to happen. Oh well. Thank you all for helping me grab some clarity on this. I'm gonna go hit the gym. Side Note: This was a match.com date.
kizik Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Gee whiz. In ten years when you're tired of serious relationships, you will find yourself trying to have meaningless sex, and getting none. Ingrate.
Author Zansatsu Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Gee whiz. In ten years when you're tired of serious relationships, you will find yourself trying to have meaningless sex, and getting none. Ingrate. The future doesn't exist, and yesterday is a memory. Only this moment matters, this frame of reference. Besides, if I find the right person I know I won't be bitter. I've never been the typical 'skirt-chaser' either.
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