He doesn't believe men and women can be just friends. Is our relationship doomed?

[New Again]

I suspect we're playing with fire, too, which is why I'm trying to work this out in my head. I've been down that road so many times and it's not fun.

 

The thing is, I know that trying to break it off is going to be hard. He cares for me a lot and has really panicked when I've done that before.

 

He has been seeing this girl for just a few weeks. I've met her once, briefly. Honestly, I don't really like her. We're really different. I don't know how she feels about me. She was really sugary sweet when we met. I was suspicious of that.

 

My friend and I have long talks and a very easy rapport. We get each other. We talk about just about everything. It's extremely comfortable yet there is a spark as well.

 

Things have ratcheted up a notch this past week and it's gotten me thinking.

That tells me you should know better by now!

 

So you've tried to distance yourself from this guy before? And he got upset? Sounds like you both are playing games with each other, whether or not it's intentional I don't know.

[Sharon1961]

Give and Take, you're right and so are you New Again.

 

Thanks guys. Gives me a good direction for my thoughts on this.

[GiveAndTake]

Give and Take, you're right and so are you New Again.

 

Thanks guys. Gives me a good direction for my thoughts on this.

 

 

I can suggest a direction for you.

 

Be straightforward.

 

Tell him he is right, that the two of you cannot be friends. Then tell him you will no longer be seeing him as long as he has a girlfriend.

 

 

Don't promise him anything if he does break up with his gf (which to me is inevitable). Promises would only make you responsible for the breakup.

 

Then tell him, "When you are single, we will discuss the possibility of dating. Until then, it isn't right for us to go on being 'friends' ".

 

Bottom line, put the ball in his court. Make an honest man out of him (and yourself).

If he wants to be with you (and I think he does), he should break up with his gf BEFORE any possibility of something happening with the two of you.

[alphamale]

Okay, so this guy I'm friends with says he firmly believes men and women cannot be friends without sex getting in the way. However, him and I are friends.

 

There is mutual attraction but he already has a girlfriend and I doubt he's the type to cheat. We're very close friends and keep getting closer.

 

If we were both single I'd consider getting involved with him but am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

I know you guys will give it to me straight!

your "friendship" with this dude is the perfect example of why men and women cannot be true friends outside the bounds of a romantic relationship.

[thegreatmoose]

your "friendship" with this dude is the perfect example of why men and women cannot be true friends outside the bounds of a romantic relationship.

Why is it that everyone I know has both male and female friends? It's only when I got on the net that I found out that some people are incapable of being friends with the opposite sex. Do some people really have that little control over themselves?

[Boundary Problem]

Do some people really have that little control over themselves?

 

 

I was assuming you didn't see each other in person all that much. If you see each other all the time, it is going to be virtually impossible to keep your hands off each other.

 

Key is him ditching the girlfriend before you hit the point of no return - physically.

 

If both of you are sexually attracted to each other, the hormones will be in over drive. The flowers will spontaneously bloom when you walk by them.

 

If there is a sexual tension between you, then no "friendship" is not possible.

[alphamale]

Why is it that everyone I know has both male and female friends? It's only when I got on the net that I found out that some people are incapable of being friends with the opposite sex. Do some people really have that little control over themselves?

no its just that some of us learn early on that its not worth being friends with the opposite sex. being casual friends or aquaintances is ok but you really cannot be a true friend with the oppostie sex

[thegreatmoose]

I was assuming you didn't see each other in person all that much. If you see each other all the time, it is going to be virtually impossible to keep your hands off each other.

 

Key is him ditching the girlfriend before you hit the point of no return - physically.

 

If both of you are sexually attracted to each other, the hormones will be in over drive. The flowers will spontaneously bloom when you walk by them.

 

If there is a sexual tension between you, then no "friendship" is not possible.

 

no its just that some of us learn early on that its not worth being friends with the opposite sex. being casual friends or aquaintances is ok but you really cannot be a true friend with the oppostie sex

I must have missed that message long ago. If the person is attached, the wrong age, does not share enough of the same beliefs as me or is simply not attracted to me I'm not going to even consider touching them in a sexual way no matter how great they look. I don't allow sexual tension when it's not appropriate. My head and not my heart is in control.

 

What do I know anyway? I don't choose to participate in casual sex, while many others around here do.

[angie2443]

I must have missed that message long ago. If the person is attached, the wrong age, does not share enough of the same beliefs as me or is simply not attracted to me I'm not going to even consider touching them in a sexual way no matter how great they look. I don't allow sexual tension when it's not appropriate. My head and not my heart is in control.

 

What do I know anyway? I don't choose to participate in casual sex, while many others around here do.

 

I know many, many people who've said exactly what you've said about opposite sex friendships. I truely believe that they believed themselves when they said it. Problem was, that when the feelings became deeper and deeper, their head was no longer in control.

[Sharon1961]

I can suggest a direction for you.

 

Be straightforward.

 

Tell him he is right, that the two of you cannot be friends. Then tell him you will no longer be seeing him as long as he has a girlfriend.

 

 

Don't promise him anything if he does break up with his gf (which to me is inevitable). Promises would only make you responsible for the breakup.

 

Then tell him, "When you are single, we will discuss the possibility of dating. Until then, it isn't right for us to go on being 'friends' ".

 

Bottom line, put the ball in his court. Make an honest man out of him (and yourself).

If he wants to be with you (and I think he does), he should break up with his gf BEFORE any possibility of something happening with the two of you.

 

This is excellent advice. Thank you GiveAndTake. I do think he is basically an honourable person but this all just sort of spun out of control a bit.

 

I'm away for the next week or so. Do you think this is best done through email now or by phone or in-person when I'm back?

 

Maybe email is good so he has time to think before we see each other again? We cross paths several times a week usually. That is due to change sometime in the next few months.

[Sharon1961]

I know many, many people who've said exactly what you've said about opposite sex friendships. I truely believe that they believed themselves when they said it. Problem was, that when the feelings became deeper and deeper, their head was no longer in control.

 

Amen. Angie speaketh the truth. That's pretty much what happened here.

[thegreatmoose]

I know many, many people who've said exactly what you've said about opposite sex friendships. I truely believe that they believed themselves when they said it. Problem was, that when the feelings became deeper and deeper, their head was no longer in control.

I'm getting older and nothing has even close to happened in quite a few years. It is not about what people say, it is what about people do.

[threebyfate]

Being friends with the opposite sex requires that you view them as people first, keeping a good handle on your emotions and maintaining personal boundaries.

 

I think many people are unable to do any of the above or best yet, all of the above.

 

No matter how much one person feels romantically inclined towards another, if the other person won't play, it doesn't happen.

[GiveAndTake]

This is excellent advice. Thank you GiveAndTake. I do think he is basically an honourable person but this all just sort of spun out of control a bit.

 

I'm away for the next week or so. Do you think this is best done through email now or by phone or in-person when I'm back?

 

Maybe email is good so he has time to think before we see each other again? We cross paths several times a week usually. That is due to change sometime in the next few months.

 

 

 

If the attraction between you two isn't clear, then you might need feedback from him as you make your statement.

 

I say this because if he is not verbalizing his attraction for you, leaving him an email saying "we are attracted to each other so I cannot see you anymore until you are single", this might seem presumptuous.

 

 

If you both are clearly aware of the others attraction, then yes, email will suffice.

[Sharon1961]

If the attraction between you two isn't clear, then you might need feedback from him as you make your statement.

 

I say this because if he is not verbalizing his attraction for you, leaving him an email saying "we are attracted to each other so I cannot see you anymore until you are single", this might seem presumptuous.

 

 

If you both are clearly aware of the others attraction, then yes, email will suffice.

 

Okay. That makes sense. Thanks.

[Sharon1961]

Thanks again guys for all the great feedback.

 

It's now been a day and a half since my last contact from him, the longest since things got so tense, and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

 

I think I've learned a lot from this experience. From now on I'm not getting involved in a close male friendship unless I'm also open to sex and/or romance. Truth be told, had I been more open from the beginning this never would have come to this since he was interested all along.

 

Hopefully things will work out okay with this guy since it would be a shame to lose another male friend but I'm now prepared to take whatever comes.

 

Thanks again. Will keep you guys posted, if there's any interest, otherwise just ignore my posts.

[sally4sara]

Okay, so this guy I'm friends with says he firmly believes men and women cannot be friends without sex getting in the way. However, him and I are friends.

 

There is mutual attraction but he already has a girlfriend and I doubt he's the type to cheat. We're very close friends and keep getting closer.

 

If we were both single I'd consider getting involved with him but am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

I know you guys will give it to me straight!

 

I think the real question here is why do you think real friendship between a girl and a guy is possible, when you admit you'd prefer to be more than his friend? You are not being straight with yourself.

[Sharon1961]

I think the real question here is why do you think real friendship between a girl and a guy is possible, when you admit you'd prefer to be more than his friend? You are not being straight with yourself.

 

Hi Sally,

 

It didn't start out that way on my end. I began with no romantic interest whatsoever. It just sort of happened. But I have definitely learned my lesson. No more close male "platonic" friends.

 

Thanks for the response.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Okay, so this guy I'm friends with says he firmly believes men and women cannot be friends without sex getting in the way. However, him and I are friends.

 

There is mutual attraction but he already has a girlfriend and I doubt he's the type to cheat. We're very close friends and keep getting closer.

 

If we were both single I'd consider getting involved with him but am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

I know you guys will give it to me straight!

 

 

 

He is "in line" to bang you/date you.

 

That's as straight and concise as it can get.

 

 

Now whether he's the son of Queen Elizabeth or some radio DJ in Arizona merely determines just how far back in the line he is.