He doesn't believe men and women can be just friends. Is our relationship doomed?

[Sharon1961]

Okay, so this guy I'm friends with says he firmly believes men and women cannot be friends without sex getting in the way. However, him and I are friends.

 

There is mutual attraction but he already has a girlfriend and I doubt he's the type to cheat. We're very close friends and keep getting closer.

 

If we were both single I'd consider getting involved with him but am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

I know you guys will give it to me straight!

[Miss Right]

Is what doomed?

 

You said "he" doesn't believe that...you never said you didn't either...and in that case, what does it matter what he thinks?...that shouldn't govern YOUR behavior.

 

So either you have some decency about yourself and respect for his gf as another woman, and don't do anything with him, or you don't. But don't try to use his beliefs as an excuse for doing something you shouldn't be doing.

[New Again]

 

There is mutual attraction but he already has a girlfriend and I doubt he's the type to cheat. We're very close friends and keep getting closer.

 

If we were both single I'd consider getting involved with him but am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

I know you guys will give it to me straight!

 

That's why men and women can't be "just friends" and that is why your "relationship" is doomed.

 

Also, he sounds like a huge game-playing douche. He doesn't think "men and women can be just friends without sex getting in the way" - so what the hell is he doing being friends with you when he's in a relationship?

 

Drop him. He's not your friend, and he's not being very respectful of his gf.

[A O]

Your friendship isn't doomed, but in all likelihood, his girlfriend is, due to the fact that there's (a) mutual attraction between the two of you (b) you're both getting closer and © your friend has already stated his beliefs, yet he's still friends with you, meaning he's all but signaled what will happen between the two of you (unless you don't want it to go there).

 

In other words, its all only a matter of time. Its up to you decide whether you wish to cross the line in this manner or conversely, tell him to ditch the girlfriend and make a go of it with you.

 

.

[Sharon1961]

Miss Right, I don't think you understood. I'm not considering having an affair with him and he's not suggesting that. The gist is that he says he believes men and women as friends are ultimately doomed yet he doesn't want to not be friends with me.

[New Again]

Miss Right, I don't think you understood. I'm not considering having an affair with him and he's not suggesting that. The gist is that he says he believes men and women as friends are ultimately doomed yet he doesn't want to not be friends with me.

 

I don't think she misunderstood. I think she said the exact same thing as A O and I did, but in different words.

[Miss Right]

Miss Right, I don't think you understood. I'm not considering having an affair with him and he's not suggesting that. The gist is that he says he believes men and women as friends are ultimately doomed yet he doesn't want to not be friends with me.

 

Oh in that case, your friendship is only doomed if he really believes what he's saying and knows he can't control himself, because if he did, he would end the friendship.

 

Other than that, it's up to you. As long as you don't give him, he can't validate his theory. But realistically speaking, it probably isn't a good idea for you two to be getting so close when you've already admitted a mutual attraction exists, and that he has a gf. Maybe YOU'LL have to be the one to walk away, but not because men and women really can't be friends, but because men and women can't be friends when they LIKE each other.

[Boundary Problem]

am really happy with the friendship just as it is.

 

Is it doomed and why?

 

 

I don't think in life there is a master plan. Right now you are friends with him. You are "really happy" with that friendship the way it is.

 

Why worry about the "doomed" future? Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Today you are happy. I would leave it at that. Just make sure you don't end up in a physical relationship while he has a gf. That would ruin your relationship/friendship and it sounds like something of value.

 

No matter what he says - the fact is he spends time with you and values the friendship as well. He may have a different view of the future, but as I said the present is what matters and right now this friendship works for both of you.

[Sharon1961]

I don't think she misunderstood. I think she said the exact same thing as A O and I did, but in different words.

 

Oh, okay, I see what you're saying. Just read back over the responses. Thanks.

 

Him and I have been friends for a while, the girlfriend is new. I think he's been interested in me for a while but also likes me as a close friend. I thought he was the type to value a woman as a friend without having to also think of her romantically/sexually. (But what the heck, I guess he's a guy, what can you do.)

 

Things have gotten intense between us since he started seeing this girl. For me, I think I got anxious at the thought of losing him and I think he is responding to my heightened interest.

 

I'd be happy as "just" friends or trying for more. But since he expressed to me his beliefs about men and women being unable to be just friends it's making me think and re-evaluate.

 

He's the one I asked for some space from, and that lasted just about a day.

 

Maybe I should tell him that if he believes men and women can't be platonic friends that maybe we should back off our friendship so he can give the new gf the respect and proper go at it that she deserves.

 

Ugh. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this all magically be alright.

[Boundary Problem]

I don't see the problem. You and he are friends and it seems to be working for you.

 

He may have certain "beliefs" but his actions show that he values your current platonic friendship.

 

Let him and his gf worry about his gf. Not your problem.

[Miss Right]

You like him don't you? Is that what this all about?

[Sharon1961]

I don't think in life there is a master plan. Right now you are friends with him. You are "really happy" with that friendship the way it is.

 

Why worry about the "doomed" future? Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Today you are happy. I would leave it at that. Just make sure you don't end up in a physical relationship while he has a gf. That would ruin your relationship/friendship and it sounds like something of value.

 

No matter what he says - the fact is he spends time with you and values the friendship as well. He may have a different view of the future, but as I said the present is what matters and right now this friendship works for both of you.

 

See, now this also makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the perspective.

 

I'd still like to tell him that maybe we should back off until he's more established with this girl and until maybe I get involved with someone. But once I get back from my trip next week we'll be back to running into each other a lot and we always end up having long talks.

[Sharon1961]

I don't see the problem. You and he are friends and it seems to be working for you.

 

He may have certain "beliefs" but his actions show that he values your current platonic friendship.

 

Let him and his gf worry about his gf. Not your problem.

 

Do you think that's realistic?

[Sharon1961]

You like him don't you? Is that what this all about?

 

I have developed feelings for him and I am attracted to him. BUT, I could be happy either way, as platonic friends or as more.

 

My issue/unease right now is his statement of his beliefs yet still wanting our relationship to continue. It worries me because I've lost a lot of good male friends with the very same lead-in. Ya know?

[Boundary Problem]

Do you think that's realistic?

 

 

You'll find out when you get a bf, or start kissing some other guy.

 

I suspect you'll see a change in his behaviours. He is content to call it "friendship" as long as you are single.

 

 

The minute you decide to get a boyfriend this situation is going to heat up quickly. And either your friendship will be over, or he will suddenly be your new bf and his old gf will be out of the picture.

[New Again]

Sorry, I can't help but focus on what I see as his disrespect for his gf (this has nothing to do with you, unless you choose to go ahead and pursue something while they're still dating...and then it's still mostly on him)...I personally think it's a very bad idea for opposite sex people to be in "friendships" that are more than platonic...and if there is attraction, it's not platonic, even if you haven't acted on it.

 

I think that's called playing with fire.

 

I'll try to be a little more objective though.

 

Are you friends with his gf? Have you two met? How does she feel about you...?

 

Do you and your "friend" flirt with each other? What is your relationship like?

[threebyfate]

Sharon, you're being groomed. He's been straight-forward with his statement of not being friends with women.

[Sharon1961]

You'll find out when you get a bf, or start kissing some other guy.

 

I suspect you'll see a change in his behaviours. He is content to call it "friendship" as long as you are single.

 

 

The minute you decide to get a boyfriend this situation is going to heat up quickly. And either your friendship will be over, or he will suddenly be your new bf and his old gf will be out of the picture.

 

You think? He has said how when I get a bf the four of us can double date. You think that was BS?

[Boundary Problem]

You think? He has said how when I get a bf the four of us can double date. You think that was BS?

 

 

Start kissing another guy and see what happens.

 

That is the acid test.

 

Then report back and we'll disect his response.

[A O]

My issue/unease right now is his statement of his beliefs yet still wanting our relationship to continue. It worries me because I've lost a lot of good male friends with the very same lead-in. Ya know?

And yet you continue on. You two are well matched.

 

.

[Sharon1961]

Sorry, I can't help but focus on what I see as his disrespect for his gf (this has nothing to do with you, unless you choose to go ahead and pursue something while they're still dating...and then it's still mostly on him)...I personally think it's a very bad idea for opposite sex people to be in "friendships" that are more than platonic...and if there is attraction, it's not platonic, even if you haven't acted on it.

 

I think that's called playing with fire.

 

I'll try to be a little more objective though.

 

Are you friends with his gf? Have you two met? How does she feel about you...?

 

Do you and your "friend" flirt with each other? What is your relationship like?

 

I suspect we're playing with fire, too, which is why I'm trying to work this out in my head. I've been down that road so many times and it's not fun.

 

The thing is, I know that trying to break it off is going to be hard. He cares for me a lot and has really panicked when I've done that before.

 

He has been seeing this girl for just a few weeks. I've met her once, briefly. Honestly, I don't really like her. We're really different. I don't know how she feels about me. She was really sugary sweet when we met. I was suspicious of that.

 

My friend and I have long talks and a very easy rapport. We get each other. We talk about just about everything. It's extremely comfortable yet there is a spark as well.

 

Things have ratcheted up a notch this past week and it's gotten me thinking.

[Sharon1961]

Sharon, you're being groomed. He's been straight-forward with his statement of not being friends with women.

 

OKay. Thanks for the response.

[Sharon1961]

Start kissing another guy and see what happens.

 

That is the acid test.

 

Then report back and we'll disect his response.

 

Maybe you're right. Thanks. When I told him about some male attention recently he didn't seem to care about that at all.

[Sharon1961]

And yet you continue on. You two are well matched.

 

.

 

This talk was just last night. Hence my thinking about it today. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him yet I don't want to put either of us through a big drama.

 

And one of my best friends is a guy, so I do believe it's possible. And I blindly entered this "friendship" not thinking any of this through. I guess sometimes things just happen.

[GiveAndTake]

Just my opinion but...

 

I think the OP likes this guy. This guy, all but came right out and said he likes her too. I don't think the girlfriend is a factor in the OP's decision or the guy's decisions for that matter. I think this guy holds all the cards and the OP knows that.

 

 

I think, the OP is merely looking for confirmation from all of us that this guy likes her.

 

 

Well, here is your confirmation. Yes, he is interested in you. Yes, he would cheat on his girlfriend as long as he gets you to think it was your idea (this way he's not a "cheater" after the two of you are an item)

 

So, to answer the original question, yes, the 'friendship' is doomed as well as the girlfriend.