atacrossroads Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Here is my situation. My wife and I have been married for 3 years now and we have a 2 1/2 year old son. We met about 3 1/2 years ago, so after just a couple months of dating we found out that she was pregnant. Together we decided that the right thing to do was to get married and become a family as we welcomed our new baby home. A month after we found out about the pregnancy we were married by the JP and purchasing a new home together. Prior to getting married there were trust issues present due to a past relationship that I had, however after we got married it seems like the situation was magnified by my wife. For the last three years I have done everything to try to prove to my wife that I am thankful to have married her and to be with her, but occasionally she will make the comment "I bet you wish you were with someone else." The lack of trust and jealousy has always been present so I have accepted it for what it is. I have found out that the trust issues my wife has is not something she developed with me, she had been hurt before and cheated on by prior boyfriends. It has gotten to the point that I do not have friends at all because to my wife all of friends are nothing but trouble. I have changed my entire life for my wife but it seems like it is not enough. It is too the point that I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Everything that was once important to me is no in my life because my wife is so controlling. All I can do is try to display to my wife that I love her and only her. About a year ago our relationship took a turn for the worse when my wife admitted to me that prior to getting pregnant she was going to end our relationship. She told me that the month before she got pregnant she was going to break up with me but never felt the time was right. She also told me that she resented me for the situation we were in (an untrustworthy, unhappy, unfulfilling marriage) and that I was not the man I once was. After the truth came out we have danced around the subject for the sake of our child, only bringing it up occasionally when things don't go right. We both love our child to death but I think that we are only staying together to keep our family together. Since then I must admit that I have been feeling like maybe I am not the person that she wish I were or maybe I am not the right person for her. Our marriage truly feels like a roommate relationship as there is no intimacy, sexual connection, or meaningful communication present. We really are passers in the night. It has gotten to the point that I don’t even desire my wife sexually anymore. And it is not because I desire other women; I have been completely faithful and committed to my wife. When I am not at work, I spend all of my time at home with my family or out with my family so the opportunity or temptation is not even present. The same feeling must be felt with by my wife also, as just last week she told me that she is tired of feeling the way she does and wants to start the new year off with a clean slate. She gave me a ultimatum that if things in our relationship don't change in by the end of the year (a months time) then she wants out, for me to find another place to live. These comments by her were the tipping point for me since she expects something that hasn't changed for years to change in a matter of weeks. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I always told myself that I would never get a divorce or have my child raised in a single parent home, but our situation is really taking a toll on the both of us. I know that I am depressed and she too shows signs of depression. I love my wife and want the best for her, but her words are making me feel that I am not the answer to her happiness. Is my marriage over? What should we do?
jmargel Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Insecurity leads to controlling behavior which then leads to abuse. Your wife is already at the controlling stage and starting the abuse (emotional abuse). If you continue to let things the way they are, expect the following in the months ahead: 1. Verbal abuse, it will start out as sacrasm. She will say she's 'joking' but as time goes on, her meaning behind it is more obvious. 2. The verbal abuse will start in front of your child, she will put you down, swear, etc.. to you in front of him. 3. She will become 'colder' more distant, start laying 'blanket' statements on you. On how 'you' are the reason why the marriage is broken and why her life is so miserble. 4. Physical abuse will start, a slap, a pinch, a threat that 'You make me want to hurt you'. 5. You get a very negative vibe from her almost all the time. She will give you days where she is 'nice', it's like throwing a starving dog a small treat. 6. She won't leave you, she won't divorce. She uses this threat of leaving by year's end as a form of control. I guarantee that if you go home today and tell her it's over she will not go through with it. See, the issue isn't with you, it's with her. Unless she gets help for her depression and goes to therapy nothing else will work. Make it a requirement that she does this. It's time to get the control back into your life. Tell her that you are going out with your friends and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. It's time to not only show confidence but live it. The words, the abuse she gives to you. Once you become 'numb' to it, where her words don't hurt you then you have past the point of no return in the marriage. Think of all of this like a weed, unless she deals with the root of her problems, those leaves (the issues you have to deal with, with her) will continue to grow. It will then eventually get to a point that there are too many issues to deal with and the marriage is over. Watch out for the emotional roller coaster she'll put on you as well. Remain strong, learn to get what you deserve without using fear. Make strict boundaries on how this marriage is going to continue. It's time to for you to start making decisions.
Author atacrossroads Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Wow, it's like you have been living the past couple months with me. It seems like she is already up to step 3. I will never let physical abuse take place, although she makes sarcastic threats all the time. It is all about control with her and I do give in to it because I don't want to be without my son.
CeeL Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 she... wants to start the new year off with a clean slate. She gave me a ultimatum that if things in our relationship don't change in by the end of the year (a months time) then she wants out, for me to find another place to live. Sounds like the "clean slate" is one where you've been swept out the door. Going by what you've written here, I sure can't see where she's coming up with a justification for throwing you out. Aside from any specifics about leases or deeds, I'd suggest thinking very carefully about letting yourself get tossed out of your own home. If it does come to pass that you're breaking up, who moves where with what is something to be negotiated, not dictated. If push does come to shove (metaphorically!) you don't want to have to argue with the assertion that "he walked out on us", especially when it comes to settling custody issues. I hope you can either find a way to build this marriage to what you want it to be, or find the wherewithal to separate peacefully and fairly -- because otherwise you're in for a long, long life of misery as things stand today. Good luck.
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