Awkward sex, weird situation. :(

[kimflute26]

I started seeing this guy at my university about 2 weeks ago. He's very attractive and I like a lot of things about him... but there are some weird "issues" that have come up that I haven't yet experienced in any kind of relationship. Even though there was definitely chemistry between us I noticed that his breath wasnt always that great (actually, it bothered me much of the time). I was too scared to say anything about it that fear of hurting his feelings (but I finally told him yesterday... more on that later).

 

I wanted to wait a bit to have sex with him because I didnt want him to sleep with me and run like a couple other guys have done.... but one day I came over to his place (not thinking we would have sex... but yeah, you know how that goes) and we did it for the first time. It actually was sort of awkward because he wanted me to do positions that I had never done before... and penetration has always been an issue with me because I don't know how to feel good during it. I'm all about the oral sex.

 

This is an example of how the sex went:

 

Him: Put your legs here like you're sitting

Me: Huh? Uhh, *fumbles awkwardly*... I dont know if this is working.

Him: Just sit on me like this

Me: *tries to do as told and it sort of works*

 

At that point he'd start having sex with me and I'd notice that it kind of hurt. I didn't know how to enjoy it... not only were the positions awkward for me (some of them even made me feel insecure about me body because they caused my stomach to be all crunched up)... but I felt clueless in other ways too. I mean.... I wasn't even sure what to do with my EYES - was I supposed to look at him, close them, what???

 

Finally he started pounding on me really hard so I knew he was trying to finish... at that point it started to hurt more and I genuinely wanted it to be over. The mood afterward was a bit awkward..... and this whole situation occurred maybe twice more until he finally brought it up last night.

 

Last night he told me that he could feel the awkwardness when we were having sex, and sometimes just in general. He told me that sex is kind of important to him so if that didnt improve along with the general awkward feelings then he couldnt stay. After that I finally blurted out that his breath was bothering me, which was a reason for a lot of awkwardness. He totally laughed about that and said he's fix that no problem. As for the sex, I tried to explain that it was awkward for me because I've pretty much only had sex in the missionary position... and it hurt a bit too. I told him I didn't want to feel judged about sex so early on in this "relationship" or whatever it is that we have. He told me that he's not judging me but it seemed that when we have sex "my body is there but my mind isnt".

 

After that conversation I tried to read up on different sex positions... I tried to be a good sport and I told him I'm looking forward to having him over again on Thursday night. But the next morning (today) I woke up and felt really nervous all of a sudden... I think I'm still bothered by the conversation and I'm wanting him and I to do other things to get to know each other better... So now even after I told him I'm interested in experimenting and trying to make it fun (the sex) I'm wanting to pull back and give it more time. Is that hard to do after sex has already occurred?...

 

Ughhhh, the whole thing is a little weird... Please, any advice you can offer would help for sure.

[dudet]

 

Last night he told me that he could feel the awkwardness when we were having sex, and sometimes just in general. He told me that sex is kind of important to him so if that didnt improve along with the general awkward feelings then he couldnt stay.

 

he sounds selfish and like it all about him.....i suggest moving on if he can't be patient

[boogieboy]

Make sure you explain to him that you want to get to know him better before you have sex again. He seems reasonable.

[kimflute26]

Dudet, I definitely called him on that statement because that hurt to hear. But after that he explained that we can take our time with it and he's not trying to rush me or judge me... He told me that it's hard when we're having sex and suddenly it seems the feelings between us arent the same, because of awkwardness or whatever. I guess maybe pulling back is the only solution right now...

[dudet]

Dudet, I definitely called him on that statement because that hurt to hear. But after that he explained that we can take our time with it and he's not trying to rush me or judge me... He told me that it's hard when we're having sex and suddenly it seems the feelings between us arent the same, because of awkwardness or whatever. I guess maybe pulling back is the only solution right now...

 

ok, well if he says he's not trying to rush you or judge. i guess he takes it personal if you act uncomfortable during sex, as you are not into him. he needs to realize its just you haven't had sex a lot and its new. if he does get very impatient and rude about it i would see that as a red flag

 

i just think the comment about "if sex doesn't improve blah blah" made him sound kind of like a prick

[Ruby Slippers]

You've known the guy for 2 weeks. You're hardly more than strangers to each other at this point, so it's understandable the intimacy and connection would be weak. Also, the first time can be weird, as you're just beginning to get to know each other's bodies and likes.

 

What concerns me, though, is that he does seem very selfish. A good man/lover will take his time and make sure the woman is enjoying the sex. What you've described sounds like some dude trying to enact his favorite activities with little concern for your comfort or pleasure -- basically treating you like a blow-up doll.

 

Also, you need to take responsibility for your own well-being and pleasure and speak up when something hurts or doesn't feel good.

 

If you move forward with this guy, pay attention to the way he treats you, during sex and otherwise. Don't let him (or anyone!) treat you like a sex toy -- make sure that your needs and desires are respected, too.

[kimflute26]

Honestly this is the weirdest situation I've been in. From that description it might seem like maybe he's treating me like a toy or something... but he has consistently spent a lot of time pleasing me orally.... the first time it took me a while to finish... probably at least 20 minutes, but he stuck with it and I thought that was amazing. Previously guys that ended up using me never wanted to bother with oral. In any case, I've been a bit uncomfortable with how COMPLETELY IMPORTANT sex seems to be in this "relationship" after only 2 weeks. Don't get me wrong... I have a sex drive and would like to use it... but it's just too fast. I just sent him the following message.... I figure it will either improve things or make him run. Whatever happens, it's probably for the best.

 

"I woke up today and I just feel so weird..... I feel weird about some of the things you told me yesterday........ Like when you said "If you've noticed sex is important to me". Well.... it's too early for it to be important..... I don't know you well enough yet. And the part when you said that if the weirdness doesn't improve you'll be the first to go....... I felt hurt when you said that and I still do. It would've been better if you had said something like "It was a little weird at first, but we can take our time with getting to know eachother and it'll probably get better." The way you said it just made me feel bad and I don't know if you even realized it.....

 

I don't know about Thursday anymore because I feel like it's too fast. I tried to be a good sport and "look up positions" and all that... but then I got freaked out and thought to myself, "Why is this a problem already? Why do I already feel like I've already failed and I'm struggling to fix it?"... I just get the feeling like we're not really getting to know each other... It feels like when you're around me you're REALLY sexually charged and you just want to take me back to your room and have sex with me. Don't get me wrong, that's awesome when you're in a relationship with someone that you connect with on a whole bunch of levels and when it's a natural expression of those feelings.... but right now it's a bit much for you and I.

 

It's not cool for you to just come over and spend the night at my place if we aren't doing other things. I need to feel connected to a guy and the way that happens for me is when I can have fun doing a ton of different things with him. That's why I keep bringing up doing stuff like bowling or going to the lake, or swimming.... It's because those things are IMPORTANT to me.

 

Sorry for this long message and for doing it on the internet.... but I just had to say all this...... There are many things I like about you, but feeling comfortable with the SEX would take time for me... and honestly this might sound weird, but I don't think I'm READY to feel comfortable with the sex yet. I would need more time to get to know you and to feel like I CAN be comfortable... and that means pulling back with the sex and actually getting to know each other. If this doesn't sound like what you need then I'm probably not the girl for you...............

 

Thanks for listening,

Kim"

[torranceshipman]

Awesome...always good to be straight up and honest.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good for you, Kim, for respecting yourself and communicating your needs clearly!

 

If he doesn't respect that, you don't need him.

[Miss Right]

Great response. It's good that you know what you want and how you want to go about things. It's too early to make sacrifices for someone you hardly know. Way to go for speaking up for yourself and not beating around the bush.

[bbf]

Why is it that when she's honest about what she wants we're so happy for her, but when he does the same he's a selfish prick? Open communication is a two way street.

[dudet]

Why is it that when she's honest about what she wants we're so happy for her, but when he does the same he's a selfish prick? Open communication is a two way street.

 

her situation is understandable, and any respectful person would understand what is going on and be patient. she hasn't had sex much, and things take time. she has the right to be honest and tell him that what he said hurt her

 

what he told her was honest, but it seems selfish and like he is being a douche bag. he could have approached it differently without hurting her feelings. sounds like he isn't a real man, and just wants a sex doll to explore positions with

[bbf]

her situation is understandable, and any respectful person would understand what is going on and be patient. she hasn't had sex much, and things take time. she has the right to be honest and tell him that what he said hurt her

 

what he told her was honest, but it seems selfish and like he is being a douche bag. he could have approached it differently without hurting her feelings. sounds like he isn't a real man, and just wants a sex doll to explore positions with

 

I don't see how that has anything to do with respect. You see plenty of threads by women who are frustrated by men who don't have a lot of relationship experience and don't know how to take a woman on a proper date. Those girls are told to move on, which I think is just as fair. It's their choice whether it's worth it or not to wait for things to get better.

 

She has the right to tell him it hurt her feelings, but if she's going to get her feelings hurt every time he's open and honest with her, well he's not going to be open and honest with her for long.

[dudet]

I don't see how that has anything to do with respect. You see plenty of threads by women who are frustrated by men who don't have a lot of relationship experience and don't know how to take a woman on a proper date. Those girls are told to move on, which I think is just as fair. It's their choice whether it's worth it or not to wait for things to get better.

 

She has the right to tell him it hurt her feelings, but if she's going to get her feelings hurt every time he's open and honest with her, well he's not going to be open and honest with her for long.

 

the guy told her" sex is kind of important to him so if that didnt improve along with the general awkward feelings then he couldnt stay."

 

This is only after a 2 week period of time. is that really necessary at that point in time

[kimflute26]

I've thought about this some more and now I'm thinking that unless things dramatically improve and he suddenly puts in a lot of effort to REALLY get to know me instead of constantly telling me he's going to come over to my place, or asking me to come over to his, then I'm just going to forget about the whole thing. (And yes, he does this weird thing where he doesnt ask if he can come over... he TELLS me. He says, "What are you doing on Thursday?" and if I have no plans he says "I'm staying at your place". I laughed about that at first but it's starting to irk me...)

[bbf]

Not everyone is the same. Who knows, maybe it is necessary for him. If the sex was really awkward why wouldn't he worried that it might not improve?

 

There's a difference between feeling bad because someone is telling you a harsh truth and feeling bad because they were trying to hurt you. If it's the first case you'll be better off trying to understand than to just get defensive.

[kizik]

1. He only wants you for sex.

 

2. If you are OK with that - continue f*cking him.

 

3. If you are not, cut contact and do not see him ever again.

[dudet]

does sound like he would prefer more of a sexual relationship....lots of clues there

"He told me that sex is kind of important to him so if that didnt improve along with the general awkward feelings then he couldnt stay."

 

if he continues remarks such as the above one i quoted, why don't you tell him if his BREATH(since you said its not always the best) doesn't improve, that you can't stay anyway hahaha

 

i mean seriously, that is one of the BIGGEST turn offs. while you can improve in the bedroom on your positions and whatever, there may be no hope for his stinky mouth

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, the more you tell about him, the more he sounds like an *******.

[Kamille]

I have a slightly different take - based on a 3 year relationship where my partner and I continually struggled to communicate about sex. I find that this guy is perhaps being judged too harshly- especially considering that he's the one who took responsibility for what was happening and brought up the subject of the 'awkwardness' you both felt. I don't think he necessarily did it the best way possible in presenting it as a condition, but at least he was honest.

 

Also, there are two ways of reading the cues he was giving you: as demands or as ways to help you both along. You're the one who was there, so you know best what they were.

 

What concerns me most is your relationship to your own sexuality. There are many clues that you are uneasy about it and while finding a patient partner would be ideal, your sexuality is your responsibility.

 

penetration has always been an issue with me because I don't know how to feel good during it.

 

If you haven't experimented with sex-toys yet, please go to a women-oriented sex shop and purchase a sex toy (or you can order them on-line). This will help you get familiarized with your own body, how it feels and how to feel pleasure. You might also want to purchase some forms of lubrification to avoid some of the pain you experienced. Here is an example of a great women-oriented sex-shop that also offers great advice: http://www.goodforher.com/

 

 

 

 

not only were the positions awkward for me (some of them even made me feel insecure about me body because they caused my stomach to be all crunched up)... but I felt clueless in other ways too. I mean.... I wasn't even sure what to do with my EYES - was I supposed to look at him, close them, what???

 

Really, I'm sure the last thing on his mind was whether or not your stomach was crunched up. Sex is messy and that's how it should be. It is impossible to look composed and great while having sex and crunched up bellies, funny faces and funny noises will occur. It's all part of sex. Remind yourself that you are beautiful and learn to enjoy your body, no matter how crunched up your belly may be.

 

Finally he started pounding on me really hard so I knew he was trying to finish... at that point it started to hurt more and I genuinely wanted it to be over.

 

As other posters have said, please speak up about what hurts and doesn't hurt - but do match this with a commitment to learning more about how your body works and what pleasures you. Sex shouldn't hurt.

 

The mood afterward was a bit awkward..... and this whole situation occurred maybe twice more until he finally brought it up last night.

 

Last night he told me that he could feel the awkwardness when we were having sex, and sometimes just in general.

 

I'm thinking kudoos to him for bringing it up. I also agree with you that you two are still getting to know each other and that this explains these feelings of awkwardness in and out of the bedroom. In this, I join other posters on congratulating you for speaking up for yourself. I however don't feel we need to demonize him for speaking what's on his mind and telling you what his needs are. At least you two are communicating and that's what's important. It's not perfect communication - but that also comes with time.

[sonicranger]

So, I know I'm not "most" men. At least based on all of my conversations with my school mates, coworkers etc.

 

Anyhow, the few first times I've had sex with women, only been with 5 different women, I was ALWAYS the slow mover, cautious, careful, slow and patient. I'm not Peter North down there but I'm thick enough to potentially cause problems, so I'm aware of potential discomfort or whatnot. So thats my point of view, of course it is unique.

 

Now, on to YOUR point of view. I would be APPALLED to learn that you didn't enjoy it, that it hurt you etc. IMO, you HAVE to say STOP, SLOW DOWN, NO. It's your vagina, so who gives a hoot if he doesn't get off, or gets frustrated or whatever. If you let behavior like this continue it's going to give you a complex. You've already mentioned that some of the positions made you feel insecure about your "curves". I'm sorry if I'm coming off a little "harsh" but I want you to be taken care of and I don't just mean sexually.

 

Finally, I agree with others that communication is a two way street. Glad he took the bad breath thing relatively lightly. Maybe he needs to floss more and chew gum... He's just doing what he's used to, what works for him. He was taking the lead as most men do.

[JerseyShortie]

Kim, I completely agree with Ruby and think you did a good job of communicating your own needs. I am not ready to completely right him off but he does sound a bit self envovled and I also totally would have been like WTF if I was told that the sex better shape up or he was out. It's basically almost an ultimatum. Here is the thing that gets me, most guys today don't want to be pressured into "relationships" but they expect sex right away. In turn, women usually don't want to be pressured into sex. Don't let him pressure you into doing things you aren't good with because you can be sure that he wouldn't like very much either if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

 

 

Not everyone is the same. Who knows, maybe it is necessary for him. If the sex was really awkward why wouldn't he worried that it might not improve?

 

There's a difference between feeling bad because someone is telling you a harsh truth and feeling bad because they were trying to hurt you. If it's the first case you'll be better off trying to understand than to just get defensive.

 

At this point, it doesn't really matter what is sexually necessary for him to be happy. At this point, that's not her responsiblity to fulfill. They've known each other for two weeks. She doesn't owe him anything.

 

This isn't a case of "hard truth" vs tip-toeing around an "issue". It's the fact that he is making demands a little too soon in the relationship. Now, it's totally her responsiblity to express her needs as well. But when you offer ultimatums to people, such as "you better fix the ackward sex between us or I am gone", that's not truth. That's rather manipulation. Now if he had said " hey I noticed that the sex is kind of ackward, tell me what's going on and how I can help", that would be a completely different situation.

[bbf]

At this point, it doesn't really matter what is sexually necessary for him to be happy. At this point, that's not her responsiblity to fulfill. They've known each other for two weeks. She doesn't owe him anything.

 

This isn't a case of "hard truth" vs tip-toeing around an "issue". It's the fact that he is making demands a little too soon in the relationship. Now, it's totally her responsiblity to express her needs as well. But when you offer ultimatums to people, such as "you better fix the ackward sex between us or I am gone", that's not truth. That's rather manipulation. Now if he had said " hey I noticed that the sex is kind of ackward, tell me what's going on and how I can help", that would be a completely different situation.

 

Where do you get these ideas of what's necessary and who's responsibility it is and what's too soon and what's not too soon? Where are all these rules coming from? Those are just your opinions and preferences and you can't expect everyone to follow them, especially if you never even say what they are.

 

It matters if she wants to make him happy. No, it's not her "responsibility" and she doesn't "owe" him anything. She can do whatever she wants. You might think it's too soon, but obviously he doesn't. He can do whatever he wants too.

 

All I'm saying is that there's no reason to get defensive and there's no reason to attack the guy like some of the posters were doing. He told her what he wants out of the relationship and OP responded with what she wants. Wouldn't it be nice if we could always do that without worrying about people getting offended and defensive and going through a big emotional fiasco?

[edward-e]

in advance, this is gunna sound like im kind of a jerkoff...

 

personally i dont think this guy did anything wrong AT ALL. if i was having sex with a girl and she was acting completely disintrested and weird id be trying to mix up the positions and stuff too, MAINLY because id be trying to get her off...cuz women have this strange way of turning everything into "youre not a real man" so u feel like u gotta blow her mind everytime or shes gunna run and tell everyone. so personally if i was the guy i woulda done the same thing, AND if after a long time of trying a bunch of different things the woman was still kinda disinterested id say screw it and just go to town to at least get off for all the bull**** shes gunna tell everyone later. AS for the talk i think he was right...WHO would want to be in a relationship where u feel completely akward everytime u have sex worrying about whether ur hurting her or if she even find u attractive or wants to have sex with u. soooo i think he did the right thing by jsut saying hey im sorry but IMO i want the sex to be better. you all say...after two weeks hes already worried about sex, but if hes gotta try to spice it up now how do u think hes gunna feel in 3 months...hes gunna have to get the circus and a couple famous singers and maybe even the macys day parade in one room in order to spice it up at that point. as for the message u sent to her, if u feel like u dont wanna have sex thats good that u tell him and if he doesnt wanna try then i dont think anyone can fault him for that, though he prolly feels obligated to now cuz women also like to pull the old "you used me" line too.

[JerseyShortie]

Where are all these rules coming from? .....

 

It matters if she wants to make him happy. No, it's not her "responsibility" and she doesn't "owe" him anything. She can do whatever she wants. You might think it's too soon, but obviously he doesn't. He can do whatever he wants too.

 

All I'm saying is that there's no reason to get defensive and there's no reason to attack the guy like some of the posters were doing. He told her what he wants out of the relationship and OP responded with what she wants. Wouldn't it be nice if we could always do that without worrying about people getting offended and defensive and going through a big emotional fiasco?

 

What rules? It’s a simple fact. At this point and time in the game, it’s not her responsibility to be in charge of his sexual pleasure. It’s not his responsibility to be charge of her’s either. As a relationship grows, your desire to make your partner happy grows as well. When you first begin a relationship, I think we can agree that two weeks is the beginning stages of a relationship, you are getting to know that person. You don’t know what makes them happy and it’s not your responsibility to make them happy. If you relay on someone to make you happy when you’ve only know them two weeks, you are going to be hugely disappointed through-out life.

 

And yes, he CAN do whatever he wants too. As can she. Should I repeat that for you? Did she not say that she wants to take things slow now and get to know him? or do you want to ignore her own needs within this “relationship” in the face of what he needs sexually? Because I got to tell you, that’s what it sounds like. Sounds like you are more concerned with what his sexual needs should be fulfilled despite her plainly saying that she now wants to take things slow and not have sex right away and get to know him.

 

And no one is attacking him. They just have gauged his behavior as selfish. Because he is more worried about his sexual needs being fullfilled then what her relationship experience currently is with him.

 

 

 

 

...u feel like u gotta blow her mind everytime or shes gunna run and tell everyone.... if i was the guy i woulda done the same thing, AND if after a long time of trying a bunch of different things the woman was still kinda disinterested id say screw it and just go to town to at least get off for all the bull**** shes gunna tell everyone later.... soooo i think he did the right thing by jsut saying hey im sorry but IMO i want the sex to be better. you all say...after two weeks hes already worried about sex, but if hes gotta try to spice it up now how do u think hes gunna feel in 3 months.... as for the message u sent to her, if u feel like u dont wanna have sex thats good that u tell him and if he doesnt wanna try then i dont think anyone can fault him for that, though he prolly feels obligated to now cuz women also like to pull the old "you used me" line too.

 

Edward, everything in your post is a bout what *you* feel and want and what you think *he* feels and wants, and has little to do with the other half of the relationship, the woman. And what she feels and wants. That's not a good relationship to be in if you're all about what you need and feel and want and will just use a chick because you're afraid of what she will tell other people so you can "get yours" and screw someone over. Alot of "I's and alot of "he's" and very little "she's" in your post that talk about meeting her needs.