fletchette Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I had been dating my (now ex) boyfriend for a little less than month, but long story short, we broke up two days ago. Through talking with a few of my mutual friends and know the relationship, I really feel that the relationship was "meddled with" by another friend, I'll call him Joe. Throughout my relationship with my ex, Joe seemed to be there all the time and often made me feel left out and as if it were the two of them dating and not me. At larger friend get-togethers, Joe was the one mostly talking, and he speaking in a different language to our bfs. Joe is the lawyer/politician type (not that there's anything wrong with that), but he really seems to crave attention and really enjoys to talk (especially about himself) and impart advice (most of it that was unwanted or totally unrelated to the story at hand). The most obvious point of him meddling with the relationship was when Joe told me that he told my bf that "If you do not see long -term potential with this girl, it's not fair to her, and you're just leading her on, so you just let her go." The logic of his words made sense, but my bf and I had only been dating and known each other for a short time, it was too early to tell. (We had the convo before of if there is LTP, but I really think that only time can tell, and the bf didn't think that it would last past med-school). There are many other smaller instances of him trying to plant seeds of doubt, and just imparting advice that seems to be related but is really not... I asked another mutual friend yesterday, who had gone with "the boys" after my bf had first asked for a break (before the breakup) and he said that throughout lunch and when they were together, Joe had been giving "advice" and not supporting the relationship, and telling the bf to break up with me. Now the two of them hang out all the time and Joe has added another relationship to his casualty count (he "broke up" another 2 friends, probably by telling that boy (Friend 2) the same things he told my bf and they just broke up yesterday) My question now is what the heck do I do about this? I know my relationship was short and the foundation probably wasn't very stable and I would probably be better off just leaving it alone, but I can't help but feel that we never even got a chance. :\ I really want to get back together with my bf, but I know that it probably won't happen as long as that person is feeding him advice. I don't know if Joe has done this on purpose or if he just doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut, but I hope for his sake that it wasn't malicious. I have already tried suggesting to my ex that I think his decision may have been influenced, but he would have none of that. I have thought of an "elaborate plan" to sort of get (both) boys back, but there are definitely some moments that I feel really helpless and need some support and advice on how to deal with these sorts of people. The plan is basically that instead of using Joe's mouth and words against me, I need to use them for me. Joe is kind of obsessed with another girl that I am good friends with. Whenever he spoke before, he would just talk only about her and how best it would be get with her, and how he could make it happen (and he asked my advice many times which I willingly gave). This girl is definitely not interested in him, but he thinks he has her already figured out (and I'm 100% sure he will go to extremes to get her). Sorry for dragging this post out, I tend to be long-winded. But I really need help on this matter. :\ I've also initiated the NC with my bf already, although it's probably going to be hard because med-school is such a small community.
deux ex machina Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 ...I have thought of an "elaborate plan" to sort of get (both) boys back, but there are definitely some moments that I feel really helpless and need some support and advice on how to deal with these sorts of people. The plan is basically that instead of using Joe's mouth and words against me, I need to use them for me. Joe is kind of obsessed with another girl that I am good friends with. Whenever he spoke before, he would just talk only about her and how best it would be get with her, and how he could make it happen (and he asked my advice many times which I willingly gave). This girl is definitely not interested in him, but he thinks he has her already figured out (and I'm 100% sure he will go to extremes to get her). I don't think that's the best idea. You'll just become that which you know is wrong, and it won't feel good. Don't become something you're not. As far as influence on the boyfriend, no one can say whether it is true or not. It's one of those things that you'll never get an answer to. In fact, even your bf may not know (even though he denies it). The problem is, if you keeping on at him will only serve to make him defensive. And again, you won't get an answer anyway. It would have the opposite effect to what you want. If he's that easily influenced, then that's really too bad.
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