lizzobizzo Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 hello everyone and good morning. here is my problem: we woke up this morning together and had enough time for sex. the thing is, i've been feeling a yeast infection coming on. we went ahead anyway, me not telling him, but i was worried and itchy and so i kept checking down there to see if there was anything funny. he got frustrated and i told him that i was having trouble getting turned on because of the itching but told him if he wanted to continue it would be fine since it wasn't that bad and it had been a couple of days for him. he said later that he didn't understand me, that i hadn't said it clearly enough and that is why he did the following: he got off me and looked frustrated. he then got up started to go off on this rant, complete with slamming the door and yelling, about how we don't have good communication about sex. his bone to pick has been that i tell him he's not doing this or that, that i don't tell him what he's doing right very often and he feels like he always has to guess and that i get mad anyway. he says he wants me to be "into it" or he can't get off. (this is an issue, and i realize i'm being unfair to him when i give him vague directions about how he's not doing it right. i've agreed to stop doing that because it's not fair to him. but there was a reason i wasn't into it this morning, all the same) anyway, he's ranting and yelling and i'm trying over and over to explain to him why i couldn't get into it this morning and it completely sails over his head and he keeps yelling. at this point i'm feeling so misunderstood that i start crying, pulling the covers over my head, not looking at him. then he starts saying things like, "oh, i see, it's always my fault." "i'm not allowed to have feelings" and "it's not all about you." "i feel like you're putting up a wall (referring to the covers) and we can't communicate like this." all to which i reply, "i tried to tell you what happened this morning but i feel like you used it as an excuse to blow up at me about totally unrelated things." i was mad and let it show, so he comes over and puts his arm around me. this gesture didn't make me feel better, so i still avoided looking at him or engaging him because i felt so misunderstood from the crap before. he says some more stuff about me putting up a wall and our lack of communication "eating away at our relationship like a cancer." i acknowledge that i need to change some things but don't feel like talking about it because of what just happened. he said that i was being "tit for tat" and this kind of stuff erodes communication. i start getting ready for work and he's following me around, saying "sorry", hugging me and asking me to hug him back and talking more about our communication issues. i left to work angry at him. i don't know how i feel at this point. i get yeast infections every month, they're chronic. i'm frustrated. i want to work it out but i'm feeling spent, trapped, depressed. i just want a third party perspective
hopeful1980 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Is your husband aware of your chronic yeast infections? Have you seen a doctor about them? If I were you I wouldn't be so hard on him or yourself. It just sound like you guys need to figure out how to communicate more effectively. He's obviously frustrated about your sex life and it seems you are as well. I think you should just relax. It appears you both want each other to be happy.
waltham781 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 He already wanted to rant and rave about this issue, so when you explained why he was out of line he was already knee deep in getting this off his chest. Did either of his parents have a special way of avoiding conflict? Somewhere he has learned to become annoyed by something, bury it, winsh wash and repeat until he can't hold any of it any more and just blows up. The point to bring up his issue is when it first surfaces. For some reason, he does not feel himself worthy of raising the issue or pressing the issue far enough with you the first time through. Do you raise your voice at him often? Does he hide from conflict?
Author lizzobizzo Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 we have been fighting a lot about everything lately. the same things come up over and over: how i don't listen, am too defensive, etc. which i will give him. i've yelled at him in the last two weeks but not before that much at all. we've both been trying to change because i've done messed up stuff to him, him to me, and we both come from conflict-ridden families. it's really stressful and the way he handles things sometimes makes me want to leave. he's into smoking weed a lot. he snorted morphine last night, had a couple of drinks, and smoked a lot of weed but still was acting sober. he's got an iron mind, but all the drug use gets to me. i think he does it because he feels he has nothing else that makes him feel as good as reliably as the drugs, but i feel it gets in the way still. he won't stop. i'm expected to accept it, not complain, and if i do i'm stressing him out and he gets annoyed. i know it sounds horrible but i want to stay with him because other than all the drug use he is a great person and i honestly feel that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel if we figure out how to treat each other. we get along most of the time. i've broken up with him three times, gotten back together with him, and have made unreasonable demands/stressed him out with my BS.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You should have told him Not today dear, I have a yeast infection. Somehow you need to learn to communicate better and he needs to not yell and get so pissed off. And, he needs to STOP doing drugs, probably explains his irratic behaviour and overreactions.
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