Dependency; insecurity; difficulty feeling correct in answering

[LimboNewb]

This is quite a bit related to a break-up I just experienced last friday, but there were several minor stages of self-realization and rationalization that I've been going through since--I'll try to keep the specific relationship stuff minimal. It's realize it's going to be long but I'll try to summarize at the end.

 

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A short background: I was dumped in May or something of last year out of a 2.5 year relationship. Retrospectively I don't think either of us were particularly happy near the end (not that I could tell you exactly why) but I was hurt all the same--briefly. I actually felt like I recovered pretty quickly--I was out and about and meeting new people.

 

In early august I met my now ex gf at a random local meetup (singles/romance is not the subject of said meetup)--the first night was nothing short of spectacular. Were out on the town and got along magically--ended up at a diner and just talked for a few hours. I thought that because I had met her quite serendipitously (i.e. I wasn't "looking" for her) that I was playing by all the right relationship rules. I realize now that I think I was deceiving myself a little--I still believe I was truly over my previous ex, but I don't know if I was over being in a relationship.

 

Not that it may be directly relevant to my problems (though it is certainly an example of them) but I did have a poor reaction to something my previous ex said about me and that precipitated in the newly-ex dumping me (i.e. I did something very stupid by showing up to a dinner at her place disheveled and upset about it). However, we did have a chat about some of the other potential issues that had yet to come up--and that's sort of where this post truly comes from.

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She felt I never had an opinion about anything. I understand why she thinks so--I would often defer to others rather than pick even from a limited set of options. I understand this is common with dependent people. However, I am having a hard time separating the times where I'm expected to answer regardless of the result or am truly allowed to have a null opinion. The reason I ask is that simple questions regarding e.g. a preference for dinner I felt at the time probably were closer to having no opinion than me simply being afraid to answer. In those cases I felt like there was no correct answer--where in fact it seems I am expected to express an opinion even if I can't identify one? Or am I simply having difficulty finding my opinion being shrouded by a fear of "rocking the boat"? Is it abnormal not to have a preference if someone asks you "which flower is prettier"? While I may be misrepresenting exactly what happened, that's what it often felt like to me. Why would I take a chance at disagreement if there really isn't one? I don't want to feel stupid; if I'm not well versed than I certainly don't place a lot of value in my answer--but now I provide it and of course I feel a little hurt if you disagree; I don't think it's that I feel I'm wrong (as the thread title suggests) so much as feeling like "why would you ask me for an answer if it doesn't matter". I don't think I have this problem with things where I feel I am more apt to answer (e.g. cars, computers, etc.). I may be able to provide a more complete example of this in a future reply.

 

Now here is where I will fully admit that those waters do run deeper. I find myself as a person that places others feelings above my own most of the time. But I only really suspected it before and certainly I still have some disagreement with the statement even now. The way I always _felt_ was that it's not self-sacrifice at all--i.e. I do this because you like it and I like it when you like it. I don't know that anyone can disagree that is the case. But I certainly had/have issues expressing what I want for fear of the perceived tactlessness of the answer--or probably many times just the answer. How do you establish expectations for responses? What if they aren't the same?

 

And the initiation of this introspection was one of the things she said that I realize is true and am at a complete loss. I don't have any idea where I'm going in my life. I can't debate it very well--this is sort where my castle started crumbling from the bottom. I have a fairly successful job but with no immediate plans for improvement; I don't have a particular goal to move elsewhere (even though I moved here with a relocation to begin with)--she knew she wanted to job hop and live elsewhere. If stayed together I probably would content doing that as well. The ultimate blow was just realizing I have no idea how to get those things and if I'm supposed to have them?

 

 

I think the ultimate irony would be if the root cause of these issues is a fear of the consequences of action/decision then I may still take on the guilt of the inaction I chose instead. How retarded is that?

 

 

Finally, and I haven't figured out if this is directly related to the above or not but I certainly have some insecurity issues. I am not sure what all they are, but I can recall a recent example: When my Dad/Mom came to visit they were able to meet my now-ex. In both cases my ex was enthralled by the tales of travel they had when they were younger (younger than I am currently as well). My ex loved to travel and I would have loved to go with her but I never had a desire so strong that I did it--never knew where I wanted to go--and certainly didn't want to go alone (a friend would suffice). Perhaps you can see where this is going but I felt entirely inadequate during that conversation--why the hell would she want to be with this person with no impetus to travel? She explained that it was fine--that in fact this was a good balance since I was excited and willing to come. And then I later relate that comment to the complacency in life and I don't know what to think.

 

 

 

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Summary (with some comments):

 

 

 

1. I have felt difficulty answering and/or feeling correct when answering even simple questions--I almost feel pressured to answer when perhaps I also feel my opinion shouldn't or doesn't matter (or I just don't have one). This is certainly more complex based on the subject and the type of relationship.
   
2. I tend to put the feelings of others above my own; this is also complicated by the fact that at least presently I don't feel this is as much of a problem as it is a personality trait taken a little too far. Perhaps this manifests mostly in trying to satisfy someone else's needs -as- my own rather than in addition to my own. This is almost certainly related to #1 above. I have difficulty identifying and even more difficulty expressing what those needs are, even to myself.
   
3. I don't seem to have any particular ambitions and/or I'm afraid of the consequences of setting them. E.g. I'm fairly certain I will have to leave my current job (which is not a bad job to be certain) to advance further professionally but I don't know what that will take or if I want the result.
   
4. I certainly have some insecurities that I have trouble identifying why or where they came from. See example above if curious.
   

Sorry for the novel.

 

I don't know what other questions to ask--they are all sort of in there I think. I might cross-post about the break-up in the appropriate forum.

Edited December 8, 2009 by LimboNewb

[deux ex machina]

...I have felt difficulty answering and/or feeling correct when answering even simple questions--I almost feel pressured to answer when perhaps I also feel my opinion shouldn't or doesn't matter (or I just don't have one). This is certainly more complex based on the subject and the type of relationship.

Is it often like this?

 

"What do you want for dinner?"

 

"Oh, I don't care either way - you pick."

 

"No, YOU pick - don't you have a preference?"

 

...ect.

 

I tend to put the feelings of others above my own; this is also complicated by the fact that at least presently I don't feel this is as much of a problem as it is a personality trait taken a little too far. Perhaps this manifests mostly in trying to satisfy someone else's needs -as- my own rather than in addition to my own. This is almost certainly related to #1 above. I have difficulty identifying and even more difficulty expressing what those needs are, even to myself.

 

Haha. I was going to say, "Refer to above?"

 

 

I don't seem to have any particular ambitions and/or I'm afraid of the consequences of setting them. E.g. I'm fairly certain I will have to leave my current job (which is not a bad job to be certain) to advance further professionally but I don't know what that will take or if I want the result.

 

Why exactly do you feel you have to leave your job if you like it?

 

I certainly have some insecurities that I have trouble identifying why or where they came from. See example above if curious.

Sorry for the novel.

 

 

I don't know what other questions to ask--they are all sort of in there I think. I might cross-post about the break-up in the appropriate forum.

 

The only thing I'll add for now is that being at least somewhat decisive is a good thing.

[LimboNewb]

Is it often like this?

 

"What do you want for dinner?"

 

"Oh, I don't care either way - you pick."

 

"No, YOU pick - don't you have a preference?"

 

...ect.

 

Could be, sure. I mean, I guess I get peeved when another likely scenario is answering "Fine, well I'd like to go [here]". "No I don't feel like that tonight". Okay, in my world that means it's your turn--I certainly don't have a back-up plan when put on the spot and at that point it implies to me that your preference was specified enough to suggest something else.

 

Secondly, If I'm forced to pick something that seems inconsequential to me or if I just plainly don't know I feel pressured and silly. For example if I had to choose between two spices or ingredients in a food I've never had--specifically if the other has.

 

Hyperbole: Do you want Tabasco in your ice cream? I have no idea, is it good?

 

Haha. I was going to say, "Refer to above?"

Yeah I know, I'm aware these things are related but I don't know that either of them are a cause rather than a symptom. The statement I made was a little broad--I'd prefer to give a specific example but I'm coming up blank at the moment.

 

Why exactly do you feel you have to leave your job if you like it?

I don't. But I don't understand how I feel about saying "oh I could retire in the job I'm in now"--I think that's a certainly unrealistic. So there's bound to be a change and I would hope it's up the ladder but it's very unlikely how my company is structured that it would happen here. So my true answer is "I don't know, but I have no plans for now".

 

The only thing I'll add for now is that being at least somewhat decisive is a good thing.

Yeah, I've gathered. I don't have a problem making most decisions that affect only myself. If it extended that far I'd starve to death. Edited December 8, 2009 by LimboNewb

[deux ex machina]

...Yeah, I've gathered. I don't have a problem making most decisions that affect only myself. If it extended that far I'd starve to death.

 

You're welcome.

[LimboNewb]

You're welcome.

Thanks for the reply. Sorry for being curt right there.

[deux ex machina]

It is difficult for me to really get a grasp on precisely what the issue(s) are, as they are indeed broadly stated. They sort of all run into eachother.

 

Overall, from your last answer all I can think of at the moment is a sense of over-responsibility and insecurity that immobilizes you.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Sorry for being curt right there.

 

D.V. = Don't Vorry about it.

[LimboNewb]

It is difficult for me to really get a grasp on precisely what the issue(s) are, as they are indeed broadly stated. They sort of all run into eachother.

 

Overall, from your last answer all I can think of at the moment is a sense of over-responsibility and insecurity that immobilizes you.

 

Yeah I was hoping someone might have some hypotheses that I could bounce around, but I'm sort of lost in my head at the moment.

 

However, your suggestion sounds plausible (if not part of a larger issue) though I don't quite understand the source or when it started since I've only now started thinking about it in depth.

[deux ex machina]

Yeah I was hoping someone might have some hypotheses that I could bounce around, but I'm sort of lost in my head at the moment.

 

However, your suggestion sounds plausible (if not part of a larger issue) though I don't quite understand the source or when it started since I've only now started thinking about it in depth.

 

Try thinking of specific instances that it comes up.

 

You might be able to suss out a pattern.

[LimboNewb]

Well I haven't come to provide examples to the above but I did come to say one thing:

 

I think all of these boil down to multiple insecurities but: how do you get over an insecurity that you can see?

 

For example, I related in the first post how I was essentially jealous of the travels my mom/dad had as they were younger. Not because I wanted to do the same but because of how interested my ex was about the tales. I presume this would have been a similar story had it been about almost any other subject. In this case it was probably less harmful than it could have been--it could have been another [single] man at the table relating the same stories. I can see why I'm insecure because I would consider at least beginning to date someone I found that interesting. What does a "secure" person feel like in a similar circumstance? Ambivalent? How do you separate when to feel ambivalent and when to feel concerned? Seems pretty gray.