Jealous of friends from the past who contacted him.

[Adunaphel]

Hello...

I would need some perspective on a jealousy problem. And I'd love it if someone had similar experiences and felt like sharing them.

 

First of all, I am very jealous. Not only I have a jealousy problem, but I also tend to overreact, expecially about the little things.

This is already causing huge problems in my relationship.

 

Some people my bf used to go on vacation with (on summer camps) when he was a kid got in touch with each other, (thanks mainly to facebook), founded a Facebook group, caught up and -once the group was big enough - started looking for the 'missing' people.

Included my boyfriend.

The person who took up the job of looking for him and contacting him is a woman who was the first person he ever kissed (some 25-30 years ago).

My bf is going to catch up with the whole group in a couple of weeks - I think they have a dinner planned.

This is bothering me. A lot.

 

They are all people he hasn't seen in at least 25 years.

But they include a number of girls he had flings with as he was a kid (the kind of flings a 15 years old can have) and a girl who used to be his best friend for 4 years and whom he ended up kissing when he was (I think) 18.

 

I am very unconfortable that he is going to see them.

 

I do not know if I am overreacting, and I am unable to understand if this is a totally innocuous situation or something I have real reasons to worry about.

 

I guess I should just be happy for him and be glad that people who meant a lot to him when he was a kid, and that remind him of a happy time in his life, got back in touch with him.

Yet I feel threatened.

 

He does not want to include me the first time he gets together with them.

This makes me feel hurt, and makes me wonder if something is up.

I guess it makes sense *not* to want to bring your partner along if you are catching up with people you have not seen in 25 years and are already embarassed...but I don't *really*get it.

 

I also felt very hurt that when this woman contacted him he contacted her back saying something like "Are you really "my" [name of the person]? My first kiss at summer camp?".

I feel it was very out of line. Yet, again, it was when they were 14...so it could be something *totally* innocent.

They also caught up for lunch once since then. They took a picture together where they are hugging, and she put it on facebook. I did not get to see the picture but it must be quite a tight hug as they got some jokeful comments along the line of "you didn't hug me like that when you saw me!".

Yet, again, I guess it could have been innocent.

I guess I could picture myself hugging tightly some friend I haven't seen from a long time in a very innocent way.

Also...she went quite out of her way to contact him. She basically called all numbers listed on the city phonebook under his mother's family name...until she got his mother and left her a message from him.

 

Unfortunately right now I am quite unable at telling apart innocuous things from not-innocuous ones.

 

Would you worry about some people your SO kissed when he was a kid?

Or about a catch up with people from the past?

Do people kissed as a kid count as exes? I have to say i find them as threatening as actual exes.

 

Thank you in advance for any reply.

[2sure]

This is the equivalent of a class reunion which would no doubt include some people he may have dated in high school. Its no big deal, something everyone attends...and many many many people go without spouses because hey, havent seen these people in 30years, spouse doesnt know them, etc.

 

I would not give it a thought unless after this reunion event your BF continues to be ion contact with this one particular old friend. If so, insist on meeting so the three of you can be friends...if that is not of interest to him, then the friendship is not important to him and the contact can stop.

 

But yes...in a nutshell...this is something you let go.

[Adunaphel]

Thank you for replying.

Unfortunately it was him, and not her, who mentioned the kiss first.

She made phone calls, until he got him mother's number, and asked her to tell him that she looked for him.

He looked for her on facebook and contacted her with that line.

[Adunaphel]

This is the equivalent of a class reunion which would no doubt include some people he may have dated in high school. Its no big deal, something everyone attends...and many many many people go without spouses because hey, havent seen these people in 30years, spouse doesnt know them, etc.

 

Thank you, it helps to know that many people go without spouses.

 

I would not give it a thought unless after this reunion event your BF continues to be ion contact with this one particular old friend. If so, insist on meeting so the three of you can be friends...if that is not of interest to him, then the friendship is not important to him and the contact can stop.

 

My bf is actually planning to keeping in contact with all/most of them - this reunion will be followed by others, plus he would like to keep in touch with some of these people.

Anyway he stated that if he is seeing them again after this first reunion he would like to include me. He also said that he does not plan to get together one-on-one with any of the women.

I guess I have trust issues with the last part, considered that he *did* get together for lunch with the girl who contacted him.

Yet it looks like she texted him a couple of weeks later... asked how his kids were doing (he is separated, with two children)... it was the same weekday they had lunch together. He just replied, without mentioning having lunch together again...

 

But yes...in a nutshell...this is something you let go.

 

I guess I'll have to.

Do you think it's okay if I insist that he makes it clear that he is in a relationship? (expecially if they are going to joke about all the flirts that happened at summer camps)

[angie2443]

I understand why you are upset. I don't know what to think in these situations. On the one hand, it's a group event, your husband hasn't seen these people in 25 to 30 years, it seems harmless. On the other hand, I've seen so many relationships rekindle (yes, even the highschool ones) from these reunions. Yes it was a long time ago, but then, why the need to hook up with people from your distant past? To be fair, I don't understand the point of high school reunions either unless there at the 10 year mark. Anything beyond that, I start to wonder if the people going to these things haven't moved on from the past.

[serialgf]

hi adunaphel:

 

i understand many of your concerns, as i am a recovering jealous gf

 

i have a couple of questions for you:

 

1. how long have you and your BF been dating?

2. how old are you and how old is he?

3. how long has he been separated?

4. how did you find out what he wrote to this person via facebook? and how did you find out about how she found him? how did you see the facebook photo comment but not the photo itself?

5. how long ago did this all (with the long lost friend finding your BF) and how often do you bring it up?

6. has your BF done anything in the past (either with you, or with his ex's) to warrant your mistrust of him? how open is he with you about things?

 

i think your answers to these questions would be very informative to give you the best advice possible. depending on how open he is, i would say you have more (or less) to worry about.

 

regarding your last question, i think it could be construed as pretty controlling for you to ask him to mention he is in a relationship. i mean, in reality, when he's there, he'll say what he wants.. you won't be around to hear... so i wouldn't really ask him to do that.... however, of course, this is just my opinion and many people on here think i am too laid back... different strokes for different folks

 

good luck

answer the questions if you wish and i will surely write back!!

sgf

[angie2443]

I understand why you are upset. I don't know what to think in these situations. On the one hand, it's a group event, your husband hasn't seen these people in 25 to 30 years, it seems harmless. On the other hand, I've seen so many relationships rekindle (yes, even the highschool ones) from these reunions. Yes it was a long time ago, but then, why the need to hook up with people from your distant past? To be fair, I don't understand the point of high school reunions either unless there at the 10 year mark. Anything beyond that, I start to wonder if the people going to these things haven't moved on from the past.

 

Sorry, I read wrong and thought he was your husband. This might change things. I don't know.

[serialgf]

Sorry, I read wrong and thought he was your husband. This might change things. I don't know.

i think it does... and i also think it depends on how long they've been dating / what their living situation is...

[Adunaphel]

i understand many of your concerns, as i am a recovering jealous gf

This is great, as you are living proof that it is possible to recover from jealousy!

 

i have a couple of questions for you:

You are right, some background would be useful, so I am going to answer in the honest way possible.

 

1. how long have you and your BF been dating?

 

We've been dating for a year and 10 months.

2. how old are you and how old is he?

I am 30, he is 44.

3. how long has he been separated?

He got separated after we started dating... yes, I used to be the OW.

This is actually the first post where I called him my bf instead of MM.

Anyway he got separated more than a year ago, and he got separation papers in March 2009.

(in my country it takes 6 more months to get the actual separation papers after you have legally separated, and after you get the separation papers you must wait a minimum of three years before you can ask for a divorce.)

 

4. how did you find out what he wrote to this person via facebook? and how did you find out about how she found him? how did you see the facebook photo comment but not the photo itself?

 

He told me how she found him (he did not mention she was his first kiss, though). I read what he wrote to him because I snooped. I used to have his password (he told me he uses the same passwords for all his email addresses and gave me permission to use them).

I know that snooping is not okay, but he knows I snooped. (I told him).

He changed his FB passwords since then, but not the email password.

 

5. how long ago did this all (with the long lost friend finding your BF) and how often do you bring it up?

 

This happened on November the 13th. It has been brought up quite often recently, since we almost broke up because of my jealousy issues(and his reactions to my jealousy issues) right after it happened.

 

6. has your BF done anything in the past (either with you, or with his ex's) to warrant your mistrust of him? how open is he with you about things?

Yes and no. I used to be the OW, but this has nothing to do with my jealousy issues. He used to be very open about everything.

 

I also did not mention that we are currently in a LDR (we live 400 kilometers away from each other) so we do not get to see each other a lot.

 

Thanks for replying!

[angie2443]

I looked up some of your old posts to see if I could get a better fix on this. Is your boyfriend the same xmm who was chating/flirting with other girls in your older post? If so, he sounds very immature to me and that puts this reunion situation in a differant light.

 

If not, I'm still not sure what to think. Maybe for now, you should just keep quite but keep your eyes open. Good luck.

[Adunaphel]

I looked up some of your old posts to see if I could get a better fix on this. Is your boyfriend the same xmm who was chating/flirting with other girls in your older post? If so, he sounds very immature to me and that puts this reunion situation in a differant light.

 

If not, I'm still not sure what to think. Maybe for now, you should just keep quite but keep your eyes open. Good luck.

 

No, they are two different guys.

The guy from the post you mentioned and my actual bf could not be more different from each other, and I never started a thread about problems with my current bf until today.

 

I also had a talk with him since I last posted.

I now feel like I was overreacting (at least to some extent).

I might have had some points, but I must absolutely work on my jealousy problem before it does more damage to my relationship.

I think it is scary how jealousy can really turn a molehill into a mountain and affect someone's imagination..

[serialgf]

hi adunaphel:

 

sounds like you had a helpful realization as a result of your talk... was it a good talk or a bad talk? and what i mean by that was, did you freak out and that's the reason you had your realization? or did he put your mind at ease and that's why you had your realization? see where i'm going with this?

 

i wanted to respond earlier, but the truth is i don't really know how helpful i can be to you. i've never even been close to being in your situation... i have never been married nor have i ever been the OW...

 

in any case... the only thing i CAN relate with is the desire to overcome jealousy... also, i'm 29 which is about your age...

 

i will tell you this: there was a long time (read: YEARS) between my desires to change my jealous ways and actually being able to do it. and in the process i went through 2 failed relationships (one of them lasting 6 YEARS)... i guess what i'm saying to you is that it takes more than just WANTING to stop being jealous... you actually have to put your plan into ACTION... i would suggest for starters, stop bringing up everything that makes you jealous to your BF

 

i am currently in the first relationship i've had in a long time where i am not acting jealous... but it didn't start this way... i've been dating current BF for over a year and up until about 6 months ago, i was still getting jealous over little things/ checking his messages / questioning his interactions with female friends.... you name it.... but lately, i (practically) NEVER bring up stupid things that make me jealous... i would say never, but hey, noones perfect... anyway, it has made so much difference and he has in turn been more loving, let his guard down (he's traumatized from a past relationship) and our relationship has really just gone to the next level of love/intimacy

 

its taken a lot of lip-biting and reading LoveShack posts to help me along the way and when it comes down to it its just a matter of self control... and also being honest with what your fears truly are

 

an anecdote from my life/progress that you might find helpful: last night, my BF went to make tea and while he was downstairs i looked at his browser history (see? i'm not totally recovered ).. i saw he had been on craigslist "personals" looking at some w4m postings... when he came back i tried my damndest to bite my lip and not say anything but i did, and i approached it in a super calm manner... i told him i saw he was looking at personals, and he said "no i wasn't, it was missed connections" i told him i'm afraid of him leaving me because i've had it done to me before and he reassured me that he didn't and i believed him about it being missed connections and we left it at that. this morning when i came into work, i looked on craigslist and confirmed that it was in fact missed connections and not the personals.... anyway, sorry for the rant, the point is that i was honest about my fear of losing him, calm about my approach, and gave him the benefit of the doubt... and it worked out! eureka!!

 

good luck lady just keep posting here before you react - that's what usually do i do!!

[Adunaphel]

sounds like you had a helpful realization as a result of your talk... was it a good talk or a bad talk? and what i mean by that was, did you freak out and that's the reason you had your realization? or did he put your mind at ease and that's why you had your realization? see where i'm going with this?

I see your point very clearly.

I am finally starting to realize that if I approach some 'unconfortable' subjects in a calm and respectful manner I am likely to get at least as much rassicuration, or possibly more, as I would if I were upset, teary and anxious.

With the remarkable difference that I am putting the other person under less stress.

 

i wanted to respond earlier, but the truth is i don't really know how helpful i can be to you. i've never even been close to being in your situation... i have never been married nor have i ever been the OW...

You are actually being extremely helpful - reading your posts helps a lot putting things into perspective, and your advice is expecially valuable as you know where I come from and know first hand what it feels to have a jealousy problem.

 

in any case... the only thing i CAN relate with is the desire to overcome jealousy... also, i'm 29 which is about your age...

 

If you do not mind me asking, have you always been jealous?

This is my second serious relationship - the other one lasted almost four years, and the funny thing is, I was not a jealous person at all when my ex bf and I got together. I sometimes wonder if my jealousy is just baggage from my previous relationship, or if it is part of my personality, plain and simple.

 

i will tell you this: there was a long time (read: YEARS) between my desires to change my jealous ways and actually being able to do it. and in the process i went through 2 failed relationships (one of them lasting 6 YEARS)... i guess what i'm saying to you is that it takes more than just WANTING to stop being jealous... you actually have to put your plan into ACTION... i would suggest for starters, stop bringing up everything that makes you jealous to your BF

 

I've tried, but so far I have failed.

If I do not bring the subject up, I overthink it and it grows to a size that is too big for me to handle. So I risk freaking out about it a few days later.

 

Right now I am trying not to bring anything up until I can do so in a calm way, without sounding panicked or teary or angry.

And I'm trying not to discuss the same subject over and over again but give it a time limit. Talking about the same issue (provided that is not a very serious one) for four days in a row is way too much.

 

Once I'll have managed this for a while, I will try again to do what you suggested, hoping that it will come easier.

It must sound ridiculous, but if I proceed by baby steps I think there is some hope.

 

i am currently in the first relationship i've had in a long time where i am not acting jealous... but it didn't start this way... i've been dating current BF for over a year and up until about 6 months ago, i was still getting jealous over little things/ checking his messages / questioning his interactions with female friends.... you name it.... but lately, i (practically) NEVER bring up stupid things that make me jealous... i would say never, but hey, noones perfect...

 

Wow, congratulations. I admire you for defeating the green eyed monster!

Do all these things (not checking, not questioning)now come natural to you?

 

anyway, it has made so much difference and he has in turn been more loving, let his guard down (he's traumatized from a past relationship) and our relationship has really just gone to the next level of love/intimacy

I am very happy to hear so, it sounds like your efforts were rewarded.

It really *does* help when the other person gives you positive feedback.

 

its taken a lot of lip-biting and reading LoveShack posts to help me along the way and when it comes down to it its just a matter of self control... and also being honest with what your fears truly are

 

If you do not mind me asking, what were yours?

I am jealous of little things... in a way I am more scared about lack of respect than about being cheated on, which is the main reason why i suspect that my jealousy might be a baggage from my previous relationship.

My ex never cheated on me (that I know of...but i do not think he did) but he *did* cross a lot of lines.

During my green eyed monster moments I do not picture my bf sleeping with someone else, I picture him either crossing lines or putting himself in an inappropriate situation. Which I am not sure is normal...

 

an anecdote from my life/progress that you might find helpful: last night, my BF went to make tea and while he was downstairs i looked at his browser history (see? i'm not totally recovered ).. i saw he had been on craigslist "personals" looking at some w4m postings... when he came back i tried my damndest to bite my lip and not say anything but i did, and i approached it in a super calm manner... i told him i saw he was looking at personals, and he said "no i wasn't, it was missed connections" i told him i'm afraid of him leaving me because i've had it done to me before and he reassured me that he didn't and i believed him about it being missed connections and we left it at that. this morning when i came into work, i looked on craigslist and confirmed that it was in fact missed connections and not the personals.... anyway, sorry for the rant, the point is that i was honest about my fear of losing him, calm about my approach, and gave him the benefit of the doubt... and it worked out! eureka!!

 

This is an encouraging anecdote... thank you for sharing!

I am trying to actually get (and I mean *really* get) it into my mind that giving the benefit of the doubt is ...well, the right thing to do. It is something you owe to the other person... if you claim that you do trust him.

 

Thinking of it, do you think that jealousy means necessarily lack of trust?

 

good luck lady just keep posting here before you react - that's what usually do i do!!

 

Thank you again for the thoughtful reply, and for your help!

[MSUE]

I see 0 reason to worry...it seems to me very innocent...I hate jealousy...cause it always comes down to insecurities...which understandably so in your situation due to the fact that you were his OW...that he had an A w u...and the story can easily repeat itself...but if you want this R to survive you are going to have to build some trust and work on yourself (jealousy) someway somehow...or its headed for disaster...maybe he doesn't want you to come because he knows that you will be visibly unhappy and uncomfortable and your jealousy can make what its supposed to be a lovely catcing up dinner get together a night from hell?

[serialgf]

i am so pissed i just spent 30 minutes typing out a really thoughtful reply and POOF lost in cyberspace!! i will repost tomorrow

 

super condensed response: Baby Steps Good!! You ARE making progress! Yes I think these issues stem from baggage! I am not recovered, just further along than you! To prove it to you, I actually still check my bf's email the difference is i NEVER tell him (whereas before I always had this urge to confess/confront him). Self-control is a muscle you have to work on like you're at the gym - Baby steps!

 

Hang in there...

[Adunaphel]

maybe he doesn't want you to come because he knows that you will be visibly unhappy and uncomfortable and your jealousy can make what its supposed to be a lovely catcing up dinner get together a night from hell?

 

Thank you for being very straightforward.

As much as I hate admitting it, your words do indeed make sense.

Which leaves me with a thought: the more I obsess about this event, the more likely it is that he will be happy he did not bring me along.

 

i am so pissed i just spent 30 minutes typing out a really thoughtful reply and POOF lost in cyberspace!! i will repost tomorrow

 

super condensed response: Baby Steps Good!! You ARE making progress! Yes I think these issues stem from baggage! I am not recovered, just further along than you! To prove it to you, I actually still check my bf's email the difference is i NEVER tell him (whereas before I always had this urge to confess/confront him). Self-control is a muscle you have to work on like you're at the gym - Baby steps!

 

Hang in there...

 

Aw, I am sorry that your post got lost. I hate it too when I have spent some time typing a long and thought-out post and it just disappears under my nose...

Today I talked a little more with my boyfriend.

I am very worried about the girl who was a close friend for four years and whom he ended up kissing... he said that she was a wonderful person, and he is quite sure she still is a wonderful person...

she is very pretty (I saw her facebook profile picture), my bf considers her very pretty, too, but this is the least of it... she does sound like a very interesting person(I think I'd like her myself), he has *very* good memories of her, she was a very important person for him, he is very happy he is going to see her again...

so I feel threatened.... or should I say very, very insecure???

he told me that the kiss they shared ruined the friendship... he was not in love with her, and they could have kept being good friends had it not been for the kiss.

He has been very nice and understanding and he has assured me that while he is very happy to see her again, he does not think he could be attracted to her. He also has no intention of rekindling the old friendship with her.. not unless she can become a friend of both of us. He also reminded me that he hasn't seen her in over 25 years while we have a great relationship and love each other.

This should be more than enough to put any normal person's mind at ease, I guess. Yet I am still worried. It's as if a little voice was whispering... what if he changes his mind? what if he realizes he wants her back in his life? what if he either is attracted or just *needs* a friendship with her?

 

Jealousy *does* suck. And paranoia is possibly worse.

 

Perhaps the fact that a close friend of mine recently got together with the girl he fancied in junior school after contacting her on facebook some 35 years later is clouding my judgement.

 

You know what the worst of this is?

A few years ago I would have given *anything* for being in a relationship where my main jealousy issues are with people he kissed over 20 years ago. It's like I trust him less than I trusted my ex, which seems just so unfair...

 

Sorry about the rant, and thank you again!