Kantor Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Can you be friends with someone you still love? Whos tried it, your results, what did you learn from it? Strict boundaries?
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I believe about 90% of us on LS have done that myself included. The result is feeling hurt , upset, wondering if we were ever going to get back together, reading into everything they say and do just for a little conformation that is was going the way we wanted it to go, Games played to get a point across, In the end frustrated hurt pist off and prolonged healing/moving on in life. I broke up with my bf 6 months ago and I am just starting NC today.
Author Kantor Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Honestly, I'm sure that's for the better for both our situations. Its just so hard.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Trust me I know it is really hard to do it. Anytime you want to make contact come on here and vent, type a letter to her and only put it on LS DON'T SEND IT !!! It does help put a lot doing this. People on here are awesome and we are all here for each other to help each other through the hard days ... I sat in front of my computer crying so hard and just venting ...
Author Kantor Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I've found that LS is a great place. Not only to couple hold you when you're down, they help you see what you've done wrong, while frank sometimes, later it really helps!
HokeyPokey Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I love all my friends, but I don't have any deeper romantic feelings for them. Even if you still have love for ex you can be friends, I mean, that is the main reason why you would be anyways, but not if you still are hoping to reconcile. When you have ulterior motives nothing good can come of it. If you still feel hurt, jealousy, or anger--you can't be friends.
dashing daisy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 No. If you still love them, friendship doesn't work. You can try, but you will just end up hurt and upset, while they are happy they have you as a friend after they broke up with you. NC is so hard, but it really is the best thing right now.
dashing daisy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Especially since you wrote this in the "Second Chances" forum. You can't be friends while you still want to get back together.
gp913 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I told my ex that I don't want to be just friends with her... I was assertive in saying that, because it shows how much I care about her and that I couldn't just be friends with her because of that... If you try to stay friends with her, you may fall into a comfort zone that you can't get out of... then you'll have to witness her dating others, relationships, etc. I can imagine that would be very painful and you'll never move on... as much as you would still enjoy spending time with her, you would always keep wanting more...
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Yes, I tried it and learned that we really weren't friends in the healthy sense of friendship. Only way to know for sure is to try. It's possible to resolve the romantic feelings but it's something both parties have to work on and be mature about. NC does help but the person with the residual feelings must work on themselves during NC for it to be effective, IMO.
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Why would you ever be friends with someone who thought that you weren't good enough for them? How can a "friendship" be created out of that? What kind of friendship would that be anyway?
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 People can be friends and have romance grow out of a friendship and realize, once in the romance, that friendship was a more compatible path. To me, romance is only one path of a person's life experience and one can share different paths with certain people. Just because one particular path doesn't work out, there are others which may be fulfilling and valuable. Once the romance is over, love can evolve to a different place. When I hear comments like 'I hate my ex. He/she's a bast@ard/biotch', I'm thinking to myself 'Did you not have any positive experiences with this person? Did you not share tender and loving moments? Just because it ended, does that mean it was a lie or did not happen?' Food for thought.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Friendship can happen when a romantic relationship ends that being said the OP wants to back with his ex and the ex wants nothing to do with him right now. The only way a friendship can truly be a friendship is without hidden intension's, He want's to be her friend so he can show her that he has changed. This does not work out and in the end there is more pain and a lot of anger , resentment.
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 People can be friends and have romance grow out of a friendship and realize, once in the romance, that friendship was a more compatible path. Come on, you know most of the time that's a cop out. When I hear comments like 'I hate my ex. He/she's a bast@ard/biotch', I'm thinking to myself 'Did you not have any positive experiences with this person? Did you not share tender and loving moments? Just because it ended, does that mean it was a lie or did not happen?' Food for thought. I agree with you but thoughts get skewed once the relationship is over. Obviously those tender moments weren't enough for them to stick around. I think in time you might appreciate those things but not at the onset. Especially in a situation like mine...
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm curious. How old are you? I thought much as you did back in my 20's and early 30's. Life has a way of teaching us lessons and reorganizing our priorities. I personally know people who are cussing ex'es they haven't been married to in years or decades. To me, that's unhealthy. I can't imagine pissing away the positive times over something so old and ostensibly (by today's measure) trivial, but I guess to each their own....
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm curious. How old are you? I thought much as you did back in my 20's and early 30's. Life has a way of teaching us lessons and reorganizing our priorities. I personally know people who are cussing ex'es they haven't been married to in years or decades. To me, that's unhealthy. I can't imagine pissing away the positive times over something so old and ostensibly (by today's measure) trivial, but I guess to each their own.... Are you asking me or the OP? I'm 28. And I would say that life has taught me more in the past two years than the past 26 before that. I think you are familiar with my story. My EX really tried to destroy my life and career. I think i'm in the minority where most people would agree that she is a mean spirited person. However, I don't walk around cursing her all day, it's counterproductive. And i'm surely not going to be doing it 10 years from now. At the same time I can't EVER forget what happened.
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Yeah, I was curious about your age. I remember some of your story but TBH a lot of the stories run together for this old fart. IMO, I think remembering the totality of the experience is healthy. Relationships teach us life lessons and those never end until we're dead. We're always learning. My assertion is that the negatives (or 'painful lessons') should be weighted equally by the positives (happy memories or good lessons). IMO, upon such a foundation, given shared interests and normal care and concern, a friendship can re-emerge from the end of a romantic relationship. Would I have thought this way in my 20's? No way. Scorched earth someone's gotta die stalker central Seriously, though, knowing what I know now, had I seen the unhealthy results from those emotions many years down the road, I would've gotten therapy back then and likely had healthier relationships over the intervening decades. You know what they say about hindsight. So, for the OP, if even a bit of her is constantly in your mind, sorry bud, no friendship possible. Maybe someday....
silic0ntoad Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I am never friends with an ex after a breakup. Sorry, but if I'm not good enough for you, you aren't good enough to be my friend. That's how I roll. I've been through alot when it comes to relationships with the exception of marriage. Been cheated on. Left for no reason. Dumped over smoking. Ditched because things are larger than preferred. Kicked to the curb for other people. It doesn't really matter to me. What it boils down to is respect. I felt disrespected at every breakup. Be it being cheated on, left for another guy, dumped because I smoke and she doesn't (You knew that when you met me, wtf?) it all boils down to respect. If you can't respect my feelings in the deepest of senses, then by no right are you allowed to be my friend. No reconciliation. No apologies. No goodbyes. You're gone for good when you cross this bull.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 In most cases I would say no you can't be friends with an ex. But it all depends on the circumstances and the people. I know people who have remained best friends even though the break up was not mutual.
Author Kantor Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks for all your replies and yes I agree that the friendship won't work because I do still have feelings. However, the question was more for, can you overcome the feelings and have a successful friendship. The whole, she doesn't want you why would you want her thing... Well my story is different, I decided I didn't want her, but later decided, whoops, Im a fool with a problem I didn't realize I had. So maybe I'm in a slightly different boat, maybe not.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Yes you can be friend's once you admit that you have to get over her and work on getting over her. Do not sell yourself short of this. You will end up coming back hurt more then ever.
Author Kantor Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 We'll I'm a short sale right now, I think I need sometime. First time my heart was broken, and yes, I broke it off, but in the end found I was losing the best thing I didn't even know I had. Once I realized it, it was already too late.
Taucher Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You can be friends with someone you are in love with if you have never had a relationship with them, I guess thats how a lot of relationships start. But someone who you are in love with and they dumped you? No. The measure of whether you can be friends with an ex is if you could go out with them and a new partner, if you would be fine with that (genuinely fine) then you can be friends. Also, a dumper might be more keen to be friends than a dumpee. This is because they have no romantic feelings anymore for the person they left so there is no problems for them. A dumper still LIKES the person they left and leaving someone is a sign that they dont want a romantic relationship with them; but they still want the good parts of the relationship. Plus, a dumper might want to be friends with the person they left to make them feel less guilty, to help THEM move on by weening themselves of the relationship slowly. This is why you should NEVER be friends with an ex. I am on friendly terms with a previous ex, we had a 5 year relationship. She is a Facebook 'friend' but we dont talk to each other or contact each other. T
selena_cat Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) I would not advise being friends with someone whom you had a relationship with and that they rejected,or have broken up with you. That to me is a waste of time,speaking of experience. A wise person said once i if they decided that you were not good enough for a relationship hhowever you are good enough for casual friendship? I dont think so. Some can do it,thats great, but most wind up fustrated and keep posting in sites lsuch as this because nothing is happening. In a job yes i would take a part time position if the boss didnt want to hire me full time,thats because i need the job,but i dont need the ex that bad in order to be a part time anything. Waste of time I say. Hope this helps Edited December 8, 2009 by selena_cat
Beeotch Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) aCan you be friends with someone you still love? Whos tried it, your results, what did you learn from it? Strict boundaries? Ahhh I tried that when my ex and I just broke up....COULD NOT work. It was torture and pointless and then I became wise and gave it up. I have enough friends...real friendships are mutual, people are more or less on the same page, no hidden agendas, no super sensitivity to their actions, it flows NATURALLY. Trying to be friends with your ex is just that....TRYING...doing things that are not natural or normal. Holding back, as you said, strict boundaries etc...that is a HEADACHE! Not a comfortable, relaxed friendship. Most times THEY get all the benefits while you get the short end of the stick. Until I'm over you...I will love you from afar. I am not going to fool myself into being "friends". I don't have to avoid you like the plague but I won't treat you like a regular friend where I call you up a lot, hang out a lot etc. Edited December 9, 2009 by Beeotch
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