Devastated

[bellabirdsong]

I will try to make this as brief as possible. I have been with my (maybe) STBXH for 11 years. We have had such a roller coaster ride. Very dramatic and I won't get into the details unless I need to. Anyway. We got married 2 years ago. We lived in Tampa. He got an opportunity for a DOT job in our home state of RI. We decided to move back home. We had been having a rough time (new baby, sleeping in separate rooms because he snored so bad because he was way overweight) I had no idea he was planning on leaving me. I thought we were just living apart until we could get a new home. I was doing great all summer. Not dating, but reconnecting with old friends and family (we were in FL for five years)

 

He called me one night crying, apologizing, etc. I let him back into my heart. We tried to reconcile. He even pushed counselling, which we started. We have two children, so everyone was happy about this.

 

But, I found out last week that even though he was talking about a house he knew for rent, and planning all sorts of things for our future, he has an account on Ashley Madison.

 

On the same day he sent me a text about how he would never leave me again, he sent another woman an email offering to get a hotel room.

 

I confronted him and he has sent me random, stupid texts (what size shoes do the kids wear so I can buy them boots). He gets them next weekend and sees us on Cub Scouts night on Thursday. There is no need to ask me on a Sunday afternoon.

 

I used to be such a strong woman. Now I am depressed, losing weight, no social life because I was all about my family. While my husband is on a cheating site, actively seeking a discreet affair because "he is no longer mine". Porn has been an issue from day one. I have no problem with it, unless it is a secret.

 

He always kept it from me, going on sites like ipostnaked.com.

 

I am just so devastated (sp) and needed a place to vent.

 

Thanks

[Fallen Angel]

I will try to make this as brief as possible. I have been with my (maybe) STBXH for 11 years. We have had such a roller coaster ride. Very dramatic and I won't get into the details unless I need to. Anyway. We got married 2 years ago. We lived in Tampa. He got an opportunity for a DOT job in our home state of RI. We decided to move back home. We had been having a rough time (new baby, sleeping in separate rooms because he snored so bad because he was way overweight) I had no idea he was planning on leaving me. I thought we were just living apart until we could get a new home. I was doing great all summer. Not dating, but reconnecting with old friends and family (we were in FL for five years)

 

He called me one night crying, apologizing, etc. I let him back into my heart. We tried to reconcile. He even pushed counselling, which we started. We have two children, so everyone was happy about this.

 

But, I found out last week that even though he was talking about a house he knew for rent, and planning all sorts of things for our future, he has an account on Ashley Madison.

 

On the same day he sent me a text about how he would never leave me again, he sent another woman an email offering to get a hotel room.

 

I confronted him and he has sent me random, stupid texts (what size shoes do the kids wear so I can buy them boots). He gets them next weekend and sees us on Cub Scouts night on Thursday. There is no need to ask me on a Sunday afternoon.

 

I used to be such a strong woman. Now I am depressed, losing weight, no social life because I was all about my family. While my husband is on a cheating site, actively seeking a discreet affair because "he is no longer mine". Porn has been an issue from day one. I have no problem with it, unless it is a secret.

 

He always kept it from me, going on sites like ipostnaked.com.

 

I am just so devastated (sp) and needed a place to vent.

 

Thanks

 

I just have to ask, are you really looking for help? or are you advertising websites?

 

You didn't explain why he left, just said you were moving together to a different state, and then that you are living separately.. what happened in the in between? I am afraid there is not really enough info for me to make an informed comment..

[Woman In Blue]

Even the goodlooking and in shape guys have a hard time finding random women on the internet to do their bidding; your husband being so overweight that he snores and causes you to sleep in another room suggests he's going to be pretty much ignored by the online female population. There's nothing hotter than a fat guy sitting naked in front of his webcam drooling and sweating like a moron, no sir. I think your risk factor is pretty low that the women are going to flock to your overweight husband when there are millions of better looking and in-shape men also trolling the internet for strange women, just like he is.

 

That doesn't make his idiotic behavior right, however. I hate to say it, but you'll probably get him back by default (if you even want him) because I don't think he's going to get the women he's looking for out there. Sounds like he's going to be very, very lonely and will eventually come back with egg on his face. At that point, I'd kick his ass to the curb so quick his mother would feel it - but that's just me.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Woman In Blue

[bellabirdsong]

To the first reply, no WAY am I promoting those sites. Before we left FL, we were just growing further apart and fighting alot. I thought it was something we would work through, as the thought of leaving him never entered my mind. No major issues, or so I thought.

 

We had to live separately once we came home because he wouldn't let my mother set us up in an apartment (I should have known something was up then).

 

I did find out, after I took him back, that he had been spending alot of nights at his ex's. I forgave him. He said nothing happened, blah blah. Then was getting texts from some other girl, he said he was friends with and she wanted more. Didn't believe that one, either. I forgave that, as well.

 

He has been going to the gym obsessively, losing weight and on a strict diet. Looking better and healthier.

 

I can't get the images of him with these random girls out of my head.

 

And no WAY do I want him back. I go to get tested on the 21st.

 

Thank you WIB. Your description gave me the first smile of my day!

[bellabirdsong]

PS. I don't see a way to edit my original post to take those site names off. It was my first post, and I apologize if that was wrong..

[turnstone]

Honey, don't worry about your post, the admin here can edit it they like, its no biggie.

 

Whereabouts are you financially and legally? Are you progressing with divorcing? Do you want to reconcile?

 

Take it each day at a time, getting your ducks in a row and think strategy. Talk to people in your life who have gone through a separation and/or divorce and ask their advice on all the aspects. You don't need to be alone at a time like this.

[stuckinoz]

Even the goodlooking and in shape guys have a hard time finding random women on the internet to do their bidding; your husband being so overweight that he snores and causes you to sleep in another room suggests he's going to be pretty much ignored by the online female population. There's nothing hotter than a fat guy sitting naked in front of his webcam drooling and sweating like a moron, no sir. I think your risk factor is pretty low that the women are going to flock to your overweight husband when there are millions of better looking and in-shape men also trolling the internet for strange women, just like he is.

 

 

Don't be so sure about that. You'd be surprised what women will flock to an overweight, charming, balding, older man - if there is money involved. I'm not saying prostitute. I'm saying - - (something I've learned in the last 3 years) Younger women (in certain industries- bartending for instance) have NO morals. They don't care if a man is married or not. If he will float cash their way, be sweet to them, help them fix their cars, help them move...... - they will do whatever it takes to TAKE from these types of men & in return, these men feel "loved" & that there might be something there besides her using him. Just because your husband is overweight - doesn't mean there's not someone out there FOR HIM....Hell you picked him! (my husband is also all of those things too & snores like a horse....I feel your pain sista)

 

But - only you know your husband & whether you want to stay with him or not. Just don't underestimate him & the fact that he does have accounts on these websites.

[bellabirdsong]

I had been a stay at home mom for 3 years or so and am looking for work. Not an easy task these days. I am forced to go on public assistance for help. He gives me money, and then spends all of his and I end up lending him mine. Yet another reason I feel so stupid.

 

Oz, I'm not saying my husband is fat and gross. Read above, he is losing weight and looking great. He was in great shape when I "picked him", but he gained more than I did when I was pregnant with our 7 year old (and kept gaining) and I loved him regardless.

 

Just got a text from him saying he won't be taking the kids on Friday night because he will be out of town. Funny, the girl he offered to get the room for is out of state. Now it seems (and I am assuming) he is blowing off time with his children to hook up with these internet women who are also looking to cheat.

 

Just thinking of what he will be doing makes me physically ill.

 

And there is no way on earth will I take him back. My MC is now over and I am in IC.

 

It's so hard to get through the day when it's all I think about. Too bad there's not a magic pill to make those thoughts go away.

[bellabirdsong]

Ok, to add insult to injury...he sent yet more texts about shoes, Cub Scouts, etc. Finally I responded. Very businesslike and to the point. Of course, didn't mention that I know what he'll be doing Friday night instead of seeing his children.

 

To sum it up, I told him we'll take care of everything on Saturday (when he will drop off their boots, etc. and some money).

 

His response:

Ok Beth. I'm sorry I hurt you. Saturday it is.

 

SORRY I HURT YOU??? That's all I get??? I forgave him for every rotten mean thing he has done since May, let him back into my heart, the kids got so excited that we were working things out, going to MC, I was doing all sorts of little things for him to show how much he means to me...and all the while he was ACTIVELY seeking out women to have an affair with and exchanging naked pics.

 

What I want to know is....why would he even bother with MC if he was looking for other women? I don't get it.

 

For some reason, that lame little apology has me furious.

 

Help LSers!

[Fallen Angel]

Ok, to add insult to injury...he sent yet more texts about shoes, Cub Scouts, etc. Finally I responded. Very businesslike and to the point. Of course, didn't mention that I know what he'll be doing Friday night instead of seeing his children.

 

To sum it up, I told him we'll take care of everything on Saturday (when he will drop off their boots, etc. and some money).

 

His response:

Ok Beth. I'm sorry I hurt you. Saturday it is.

 

SORRY I HURT YOU??? That's all I get??? I forgave him for every rotten mean thing he has done since May, let him back into my heart, the kids got so excited that we were working things out, going to MC, I was doing all sorts of little things for him to show how much he means to me...and all the while he was ACTIVELY seeking out women to have an affair with and exchanging naked pics.

 

What I want to know is....why would he even bother with MC if he was looking for other women? I don't get it.

 

For some reason, that lame little apology has me furious.

 

Help LSers!

 

The truth is, no amount of apologizing will make you feel any better, or make what he did ok. There is nothing he can say to make it right. It is not about words, it is about actions. Maybe he doesn't get that.

 

I am sorry that your break-up continues to hurt you so, I wish we had some magic words to say that would somehow start the healing for you, but they just don't exist. The only thing that heals is time and hard work on your part. Making decisions to take back your power, and find your own way.

 

It is tough out there,looking for work, having to accept public assistance. I know, trust me I know. But you can and will do it. And you will come out of this whole, in the end.

 

Take time to grieve, you lost more than just 'a man', you lost all your dreams for the future, because all of them included him. You are allowed to grieve that loss. Don't beat yourself up for it.

 

((many hugs sent your way))

 

I hope your tommorrow is much happier than your yesterday.

[eeyore1981]

Ok, to add insult to injury...he sent yet more texts about shoes, Cub Scouts, etc. Finally I responded. Very businesslike and to the point. Of course, didn't mention that I know what he'll be doing Friday night instead of seeing his children.

 

To sum it up, I told him we'll take care of everything on Saturday (when he will drop off their boots, etc. and some money).

 

His response:

Ok Beth. I'm sorry I hurt you. Saturday it is.

 

SORRY I HURT YOU??? That's all I get??? I forgave him for every rotten mean thing he has done since May, let him back into my heart, the kids got so excited that we were working things out, going to MC, I was doing all sorts of little things for him to show how much he means to me...and all the while he was ACTIVELY seeking out women to have an affair with and exchanging naked pics.

 

What I want to know is....why would he even bother with MC if he was looking for other women? I don't get it.

 

For some reason, that lame little apology has me furious.

 

Help LSers!

 

I don't know what happened to my response to your last post, when I was saying to tell him you already have plans to go out on Friday, so too bad, so sad. Do not allow him to use you as an unpaid babysitter on public assistance while he goes off frolicking and getting hotel rooms and all that jazz. They are his kids as well, and he has just as much responsibility towards them as you do.

 

Since you are already doing Friday, maybe tell him since he has left you high and dry with no job and children to raise, he needs to give you extra money and also needs to pick up extra time with the kids next weekend, as you have some out-of-town plans of your own.

 

I know you are hurt, and this is difficult, but don't let him see you down. This isn't about getting him back, it's about salvaging your pride and moving on with your life.

 

Keep looking for a job. Waitresses make good tips, and the bonus is you could work on the weekends where he has to keep the kids. Let him feel some of the consequences of his actions, instead of them all being dumped on you.

[turnstone]

Seconding Eeyore's advice. Now is the time to take control of your life. Oh, and stop giving him money!

[bellabirdsong]

Thanks everyone. Thank God I have IC tonite.

 

More meaningless texts from him. Course he knows how to push my buttons and somehow ended up turning everything around. Apparently, I'm a b**** and that's why he doesn't want to be with me. Funny, he has been dating and on dating sites actively looking to meet someone this whole time.

 

I ended up losing my temper, called him every filthy name in the book and told him I don't want to hear from him until Saturday when he picks up the kids.

 

Oh, and still he swears he hasn't "been" with anyone else yet. HAH! I'm still going to get myself tested.

 

Your posts are really helping me. Thank you all so much!