howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 and I am fine. No hurt, no tears nothing. He apologized. He said he is truly sorry for the way he handled things but he was under a lot of pressure and stress. He is going ahead with the divorce. When its all said and done he will have had to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars. He also explained from day one when we split it was never about love, he honestly wanted to not pay her a penny. I also said he misses me and wishes I would give him another chance. Also that he loves me and has never stopped so he can't continue to be married to her whether or not he loses money. He asked if I would still love him if he is poor. Through all of this I didn't respond because what is there to say? I think he is a wonderful guy and he will always be special to me but I am just not down for the drama right now. Basically his wife is trying to punish him by going for everything she can get and I just don't want to be apart of that (not that it changes the way I feel about him) but finally talking to him isn't the tragedy I thought it would be. Amen.
MizFit Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 and I am fine. No hurt, no tears nothing. He apologized. He said he is truly sorry for the way he handled things but he was under a lot of pressure and stress. He is going ahead with the divorce. When its all said and done he will have had to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars. He also explained from day one when we split it was never about love, he honestly wanted to not pay her a penny. I also said he misses me and wishes I would give him another chance. Also that he loves me and has never stopped so he can't continue to be married to her whether or not he loses money. He asked if I would still love him if he is poor. Through all of this I didn't respond because what is there to say? I think he is a wonderful guy and he will always be special to me but I am just not down for the drama right now. Basically his wife is trying to punish him by going for everything she can get and I just don't want to be apart of that (not that it changes the way I feel about him) but finally talking to him isn't the tragedy I thought it would be. Amen. Well how...I can't speak for you, but if it were my xMM I would let him know I still loved him and even if we couldn't sort things out while he was in the middle of the D...I'd let him know I'd be waiting on the other side for him, but that's just me. I know a lot of people say to get on with your life, but I love him and I would want him to be my life if he had gone to this to free himself...whether or not you were waiting. Be strong and be happy. If you love him then fight for him...even if that means staying on the periphery of his life till you're both ready and sure the time is right. xx
greengoddess Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 lol his wife will only get what is fair. She can't take it all. Do you really respect a man who's plan was to leave his wife with nothing? You did the right thing walking away. This man has no heart. Don't fall into it again after he is divorced. Steer clear.
HarmonyHope Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 When its all said and done he will have had to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars. He also explained from day one when we split it was never about love, he honestly wanted to not pay her a penny. Nice. So basically, he put a price on your head. He sold you out, and your relationship for money (money that he was supposedly planning to lose anyway as he was divorcing when you met him). Literally, you have a dollar value for your love. I can hardly believe the audacity in saying something like that to you. It's just as well that you are rid of him, he's got some real problems prioritizing things in his life. And one wonders if it's his wife bailing on the M this time, not him. He had no trouble tossing you out into the cold, yet now he wants you to soothe him so he doesn't end up alone.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Nice. So basically, he put a price on your head. He sold you out, and your relationship for money (money that he was supposedly planning to lose anyway as he was divorcing when you met him). Literally, you have a dollar value for your love. I can hardly believe the audacity in saying something like that to you. It's just as well that you are rid of him, he's got some real problems prioritizing things in his life. And one wonders if it's his wife bailing on the M this time, not him. He had no trouble tossing you out into the cold, yet now he wants you to soothe him so he doesn't end up alone. You're making it sound way more harsh than it is. MOST men think this way. They identify very strongly with their money because it equates into a lot of things besides money - security, their lifetime's work, reputation, lifestyle, etc. I think he handled things very well and I think the OP could've met him halfway and said that she still loves him but cannot be in a relationship with him while he's in the middle of a divorce.
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 lol his wife will only get what is fair. She can't take it all. Do you really respect a man who's plan was to leave his wife with nothing? You did the right thing walking away. This man has no heart. Don't fall into it again after he is divorced. Steer clear. Actually I wouldn't want to give her anything either. She met another man never said a word he came home one day and she was gone. No communication with her other than through lawyers for over a year then suddenly she decides no divorce. And this is what he told me its what I know.
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Nice. So basically, he put a price on your head. He sold you out, and your relationship for money (money that he was supposedly planning to lose anyway as he was divorcing when you met him). Literally, you have a dollar value for your love. I can hardly believe the audacity in saying something like that to you. It's just as well that you are rid of him, he's got some real problems prioritizing things in his life. And one wonders if it's his wife bailing on the M this time, not him. He had no trouble tossing you out into the cold, yet now he wants you to soothe him so he doesn't end up alone. I dont think he put a value on my head. Money is important especially when you have worked your entire life to acquire it. I always tell people I do not believe there is such a thing as poor and happy and I do not care who disagrees with me on that. His wife is not the one bailing this time. I do think you are putting this to an extreme. Many couples work on their marriage because of money. Like I said before if I were him I wouldn't want to pay her a dime either.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I dont think he put a value on my head. Money is important especially when you have worked your entire life to acquire it. I always tell people I do not believe there is such a thing as poor and happy and I do not care who disagrees with me on that. His wife is not the one bailing this time. I do think you are putting this to an extreme. Many couples work on their marriage because of money. Like I said before if I were him I wouldn't want to pay her a dime either. As Joseph Murphy said, "Poverty is a disease of the mind." Watch The Blind Side and ask yourself what a poor person could've done for Michael Oher opposed to a wealthy person. Well, a person doesn't really need to ask that question because poverty is what got him where he was. I totally understand men and their attachment to money, and it definitely makes sense in your xMMs case.
greengoddess Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Actually I wouldn't want to give her anything either. She met another man never said a word he came home one day and she was gone. No communication with her other than through lawyers for over a year then suddenly she decides no divorce. And this is what he told me its what I know. You can't just decide no divorce after a year? If he began the divorce process he just has to do the waiting period. She can't tell him no divorce. Hmmm so if someone is cheating and they leave they should forfeit all the money the family has worked hard for? Really??
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 if it were him cheating with me I am sure you would not say that. and the money was his money she makes one tenth of what he does. The house was his house, her car he bought
greengoddess Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 if it were him cheating with me I am sure you would not say that. and the money was his money she makes one tenth of what he does. The house was his house, her car he bought How long were they married? Kids? They were MARRIED it is their money. So is this the type of man you want to marry? One who says the house is mine. I make much more than you. The cars are mine, the money is mine. Seriously, marriage is a partnership you enter into together. Very sad thinking. I'm sure he knew the laws where he married and how marital assests were split. He agreed to this when he got married.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 if it were him cheating with me I am sure you would not say that. and the money was his money she makes one tenth of what he does. The house was his house, her car he bought When you're married, it doesn't matter who makes more or who buys what. I think it's more about how she behaved for a year that makes him feel like she's undeserving. Regardless, the courts don't care and he knows that. But he's so unhappy at this point that even money won't keep him with her.
HarmonyHope Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I dont think he put a value on my head. Money is important especially when you have worked your entire life to acquire it. I always tell people I do not believe there is such a thing as poor and happy and I do not care who disagrees with me on that. His wife is not the one bailing this time. I do think you are putting this to an extreme. Many couples work on their marriage because of money. Like I said before if I were him I wouldn't want to pay her a dime either. Money is important, but is not a good reason to throw away someone you love for someone you don't. He was willing to give up the money when you met him, and somehow because she appeared undeserving, that was worth throwing you under the bus. I can understand him not wanting to pay her a dime. But now it seems he feels it's worth paying to get her out of his life. Too bad he didn't decide that before. I just don't like the idea of money being the deciding factor in relationships. It's rather insecure. He could hit the lotto tomorrow or get sued tomorrow for all he's worth. You just don't know. So, to base a life decision, and who you want to spend it with solely on money is just folly IMO. And, insulting.
HarmonyHope Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You're making it sound way more harsh than it is. MOST men think this way. They identify very strongly with their money because it equates into a lot of things besides money - security, their lifetime's work, reputation, lifestyle, etc. I think he handled things very well and I think the OP could've met him halfway and said that she still loves him but cannot be in a relationship with him while he's in the middle of a divorce. If I discovered that my H was staying with me primarily for money, words could not describe how awful that would feel. I think that's awful. And often divorces aren't the financial end of the world people make them out to be. Often one spouse is so spendthrift that the one who was a saver and envisioned they'd have nothing left ends up with more than ever because the leaks have been plugged and the financial bleeding stops. Thats how it was with my life after I divorced my xH anyway.
OWoman Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 How long were they married? Kids? They were MARRIED it is their money. So is this the type of man you want to marry? One who says the house is mine. I make much more than you. The cars are mine, the money is mine. Seriously, marriage is a partnership you enter into together. Very sad thinking. I'm sure he knew the laws where he married and how marital assests were split. He agreed to this when he got married. Laws vary on this. In my home country, one has the option of marriage in community of property, marriage out of community of property (with ante-nuptial contract) or marriage under the accrual system, where what each partner brought into the M remains theirs, but what gets accrued by either party during the M becomes "theirs", to be equally shared. So it would depend on the terms of their M, and the default of wherever they are domiciled. My H and his xW had separate bank accounts, and a joint one. Each month they each placed an agreed amount into the joint account, from which stuff for the house, kids etc was bought. For the rest, their stuff was each their own.
OWoman Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Often one spouse is so spendthrift that the one who was a saver and envisioned they'd have nothing left ends up with more than ever because the leaks have been plugged and the financial bleeding stops. That was certainly the case with my H - his xW demanded that they each put several thousand £s in the joint account each month - from which she shopped till she dropped, tossing out white goods and buying new every few weeks when she spotted something new in the ads. She had so much stuff she ran out of space to put it in - and this is a very big house!
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) How long were they married? Kids? They were MARRIED it is their money. So is this the type of man you want to marry? One who says the house is mine. I make much more than you. The cars are mine, the money is mine. Seriously, marriage is a partnership you enter into together. Very sad thinking. I'm sure he knew the laws where he married and how marital assests were split. He agreed to this when he got married. He bought the house before they married. It is only in his name it is his house. Not something the acquired together. They do not have kids. They were married for 2 years. First off I never said I wanted to get married. I wouldnt want his house. He gave her the car he bought for her. And yes marital assests and what not exist but if she makes one tenth of what he does the extra money she gets comes from somewhere right? Edited December 8, 2009 by howcouldInotknow
donnamaybe Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 He bought the house before they married. It is only in his name it is his house. Not something the acquired together. They do not have kids. They were married for 2 years. First off I never said I wanted to get married. I wouldnt want his house. He gave her the car he bought for her. And yes marital assests and what not exist but if she makes one tenth of what he does the extra money she gets comes from somewhere right? And if he paid her for all the house cleaning and cooking she's sure to have done all those years...
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 And often divorces aren't the financial end of the world people make them out to be. And often they are. Despite that, it's a common fear with men and that's why a lot of them stay. You would hate that and so would I, but for the women who manipulate their husbands, they really don't care how they make their husbands stay, as long as they stay. I've seen this too often to know it's very true.
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 And if he paid her for all the house cleaning and cooking she's sure to have done all those years... A house keeper does that. So maybe she should be paid for directing the housekeeper?
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 So, what's the deal howcouldInotknow - do you not want to be with him at all, even after his divorce? I can definitely understand not wanting to be caught in the crossfires but are you just ready to move on now?
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I love him and I care about him but this will take some time. He would have to seriously get his sh*t together. So I will give it a month or two and see what is happening before I do anything.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I love him and I care about him but this will take some time. He would have to seriously get his sh*t together. So I will give it a month or two and see what is happening before I do anything. Sounds fair to me. Keep us posted.
Author howcouldInotknow Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Despite having said I would give XMM time to get his crap together. I no longer feel inclined to do so. Call me vain or egotistical or whatever I just feel that things shouldn't be so easy. You left, you made a choice. Yes so your choice was the wrong one but do you have to step in sh*t to know its sh*t. He asks me not to see anyone or not to date. I told him he is out of line. I understand the whole money thing. Even now she is still trying to fight the divorce. I am just over all of this crap. Don't get me wrong I love him to death but at this point in time its all about ME! what I want, what I think, what I feel. I have a date tonight I mentioned this and he was upset by me having a date. Again I had to remind him he only has the right to be upset if his wife dates. I don't hate him, I think he is a great guy. He has never cheated on me and he wasn't cheating on his wife with me but I live a very drama free life and I am just not into all of the drama. In the past she called me but never said anything, all hell would break loose if she were to call me in the future and say something because I am just at that point where I am not going to tolerate it. Hmm they say never say never but at the moment things aren't looking to promising.
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