cr1223 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I find myself in a new stage of my coping. Maybe other people experience this. The last time I spoke to my ex girlfriend, we blew up at each other. I'm on 9 days of NC. But I still want her back, or maybe I just want the relationship, the feeling, back. Either way, I'm still longing to be back together with my ex. The weird part is that I find myself not wanting to feel this way. I haven't been at this point before. I play memories over in my head, think about calling her, etc. But where I used to just do these things, I now wish I could stop. I guess this is progress? I can't stop it though. I just don't know how I get to the stage where I actually don't want her back. I want to be at the stage where if she came back wanting to try again, I would be able to just laugh and carry on. I would still go back in a second. I would love to hear any insight or other people's experiences with something similar.
Taucher Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 cr1223, You are totally right, and completely normal to feel this. 9 days of NC is not a lot. Feeling angry at yourself for not healing is a positive thing but you will stop feeling this when you are ready to stop, you cant force it, not really. Dont try to stop yourself feeling this, just make sure you dont act upon your feelings. You need time to mourn the break up of your relationship and now you are clinging onto the feeling because its a NICE feeling. But it sounds like you miss the feeling MORE than you miss your ex. Your thinking will catch up with your emotions soon. T
dashing daisy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 But I still want her back, or maybe I just want the relationship, the feeling, back. I think you are on to something here...missing the feeling. I've read through your other posts to see if i could give you better advice. Now that I have read them, it seems like there are many similarities between our situations, which makes it harder for me to see objectively. I feel the same way. I want the feeling I had when I was with him back, but I'm not sure if I want him back. I want my idea of him back, I want who I believed he was back, but I don't think that's possible. Anyway, this is how I see it. She broke up with you, immediately after you spent the time and money to go visit her. And immediately afterwards she went running back to another guy, telling him she misses him and still cares about him? I'm not going to make any judgments about her character, but these are pretty crappy things to do to someone who cares about you. Maybe in the past it was perfect, but you need to look at what things are now. I know I constantly think about how perfect things were between us, how I wish things could just be like that again, and that's why I have broken NC (bad). I guess they felt differently, or they changed their minds, or it was too much work for them, who knows. Either way, they decided it's over. That relationship is gone. Even if you did get back together, it can't be what it was, because the break up ended that relationship. There are some cases in which people get back together, but it requires time apart and a lot of mutual work. If you try to go back to the same relationship, you will end up in the same place again. This relationship ended in a break up. You can't change history. Wanting her "back" is different from wanting her, IMO. She is not just the person you dated, she is also the person who broke up with you. In order to be with her, you'd have to accept both those people as one, and think about how you feel about that person. Not just "the one" you were with before. It's not easy. Break ups are awful. When you love someone it's not easy to let it go, especially when it felt so good, and things seemed to change without warning. It's hard to accept. I'm not sure what else to say, I'm not over it and it's been months, but I can tell you NC is the way to go. If you want to get over her, or even if you want to be with her, NC. Every time I broke NC the conversations were so awful and stressful, that I probably ended it for good and tortured myself a hell of a lot along the way. But I think once you maintain NC, and start distracting yourself when you think of her, things will seem a lot clearer....eventually.
Author cr1223 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) I'm not going to make any judgments about her character, but these are pretty crappy things to do to someone who cares about you. Ok first of all that made me laugh so much. Because its completely true, I just can never get myself to see it. But anyway, I think you're right about wanting the person you had back, not necessarily the person themselves. I think that I often forget that the girl I dated doesn't exist anymore, not for me. I had access to and got to know her differently, more intimately, than most. I guess that I forget that access has been withdrawn. For me, that person no longer exists. I also think that's why NC is so hard. Because the girl I loved, and who loved me, would always be happy to listen and talk to me. She would certainly want to work things out. I need to remember that's no longer the case. I don't know, maybe you would agree with some of this. Anyway, on to day 10 tomorrow. I know I will be seeing her regularly beginning about two weeks from now. Hopefully by then I won't even notice her. Or she'll beg for me back and I'll laugh in her face Edited December 8, 2009 by cr1223
Arabella Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm in a very similar situation. Ex and I broke up 12 days ago... he blew up at me, and I reacted back. I wouldn't take him back now if he wanted to try again. I'm just not in love anymore after everything he's done to me, though I care about him deeply. I guess that has been the only good thing that has come out of NC. It has given me perspective that I didn't have when he went NC on me. I still miss him and wish we could be friends... but I no longer have the urge to constantly text him or see what's up with him. Stick with the NC for the time being... it sucks, and it hurts, but it does what it's supposed to: help you move on. Arabella
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