I am so damn stupid

[Reading Machine]

Her best friend calls me and tells me my wife came to work crying. She also said that my wife had seen me and I looked tired and under weight. The best friend claims that my wife misses me and is miserable without me too. That my wife has not been seeing anyone and is constantly talking about me.( We have been apart since Aug 12, 2009) My wife calls me that night. She comes over and we talk for two hours in her car. We decide we are going to try and slowly work on things. She says she can't make any promises. I tell her the same thing. She claims she left because of my attitude and ill treatment of her. I blew it today. I called every person that she had texted. Her friends called her and told her they did not want any trouble from her husband. She calls me and ask me why I did this. I told her when she did not call me at the time she said she was I started to worry about her. This was a lie. I was worried that she was lying to me and there is someone else. She said she was not mad with me she was sad. She thought I had been truthful with her when we talked for two hours and now all her friends will think she is a loose woman. This makes my third attemp at "No Contact". The first two times were 20 days, this last time was 37 days. I am such a mess. I wish I could take a pill and have everything repaired. I ask God every night to either take this love out of my heart or keep it if it is meant to be. Someone give me some advise I am tired of living like this.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Reading Machine

[tojaz]

Dosen't sound that bad RM, although it does sound like she has a bit of a guilty conscience (just opinion). Did she call it all off based on that, or are you both still negotiating terms, either way I think an apology is in order. A person does all kinds of crazy stuff in going through this, she should be able to understand.

TOJAZ

[Reading Machine]

We have talked since then and yes I apologized. I started flirting with her on IM. We started laughing and the tention went away. I then realized maybe she is right I do need to start trying to be a fun person again. It has been five months and she has not been with anyone and nor have I. She says she loves me but cannot understand what kind of love she has for me. She say she does not know how to explain it. I think maybe I need to stop worrying about it so much. You know how it is it is hard not too.

[tojaz]

Oh believe me I know. Thing is, they call it FALLING in love, not working for love. Treat it like a whole new relationship, dating for the first time. Your never going to forget the split but don't let it play too much of a role. learn from it and build a whole new one. In other words, just be who you want to be and enjoy the ride. Keep us posted.

TOJAZ

[floridapad]

RM,

 

IMHO Your wife is torn about the type of love because she see's that you are underweight and looks tired. The caring type of love is coming out (and a lot of guilt). She cares for you, but perhaps she wants that "in love" feeling not from a sense of caring (and guilt) but from the sense of attraction. I like Tojaz's advice...The old relationship is dead look at this as a whole new opportunity. Get some sleep put some weight back on and try to keep things light and happy in the discussions with her. No initiation of R talk. Good luck

[Reading Machine]

Thanks it is hard. I slipped yesterday and called every number she had text or called. If it was a male, I would ask if she was there. She called me this morning upset that I did not tell her when we spoke on IM last night that I had done this. She says all this people are her friends from work and now they are scared to call her or text her because they do not want any trouble from her husband. She also feels that by me doing this it makes her look like a loose woman or people will feel sorry for her because she has a controlling jealous husband. I apoligized once more and I am not going to call her. After all the " No Contact" and things I am still strong and refuse to do any calling. I let her do this. Thanks for all the advise, It has been difficult being unemployed now for going on 7 months, my Mother passing away in June and my wife leaving me 28 days after we got married.

 

I moved in with my Brother after my Mother's death. She left us a beatiful house and my brother has cerebral palsy so he needs me to help him. Do I continue to be nice to her when she calls and just act happy and do not talk about the relationship ? Do I go back into "No Contact" again for the four time? Do I start to be friendly and just do my best to get along with her?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to work on yourself!!!!!

 

Stop focusing on her man your mother dying and whatnot is not helping you resolve your issues. She left because that was her choice, she'll have to live with that, but if you make yourself a stronger person then maybe you can be in a better position if she returns.

 

But for me leaving a perfectly good marriage when i need you the most would amount to nothing but betrayal. Something it would take me a long time to forgive.

 

Especially if did right by you.

 

In the end all you can do is focus on yourself. If she comes back good, if she dont then oh well.. it's not the end of the world.

[NopeNah]

I would not start talking about the relationship right now. You both agreed to take it slow so, do just that. Hangout, go to dinner,ect..Just enjoy slowly building a "new" relationship with her. also, relax.. She came back to you so, don't push her away with jealousy.

[Reading Machine]

Praying4Daylight thanks for your words of advise. Like I stated, I had a slip when I called all the people she had texted or called on Monday morning. I tried calling her last night( Tuesday) at 10:00 pm, she did not answer. I sent an email thanking her for clarifying the type of love she feels for me( she can't explain it, it's not the type of love a wife has for her husband). I also told her I would understand if she has someone else as long as he treats her well and loves her. I called this morning because I had not heard back from her. She says she is still battling her cold and when she got off of work she went to bed at 7:00 pm. She says that she did not leave me because she did not love me. She left because of my attitude and my ill treatment of her. She said there is no one. Tomorrow is the aniversary of our first date. Do I just leave her alone today(Wednesday) until I hear from her. She is always off on Wednesday and Thursday. Do I ask her to go have an ice cream tomorrow night. Do I bring up the fact that December 10 was our first date in 2007. I need some advise, I am scared to do very much.

[seibert253]

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to try to work on this, or let it die.

 

1. If you want to try and save your marriage, call her and ask her out on an informal "date". Go out and have a light meal, sit and chat at a coffee house, something like that. Don't discuss your marriage or S, just talk about you and her. You need to "discover" each other again and find out why you fell in love with each in the first place. It's like starting anew.

 

2. If you don't want to be married, don't. Go NC, hire an attorney and start the D process.

 

If you are unsure, try the first approach. If that's not working, then maybe it's time to go to #2

[Reading Machine]

I did "No Contact" three times. Twice for 20 days the last time 37 days. That ended last Saturday when I saw her in a store. Her best friend called me later that night telling me how my wife was crying. The best friend said that my wife told her how bad I looked. The best friend told me that my wife misses me as much as I miss her and that I would hear from my wife that night. My wife called and we talked. She came over the next night and we talked in her car for two hours. Then I did all the other things this original posting states. I am scared to hear no if I call and ask her out.

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all your replies so I probably missed a lot of your story. I guess one thing just really popped out with your OP. You said that you have prayed to God to either let this work if it's meant to be or let it go if it's not.

 

I did the same exact thing. I prayed several times a day for weeks. And ya know what, my WH did come back to me but my M has been HELL a year after we got back together. I'm kicking myself in the a$$ and hard! I don't blame God, I blame myself for not listening to GOD! I think it was a test of strength on my part and I failed. I don't blame God for the hell I'm putting up with, I blame myself for thinking that my H could really change and to give him a chance.

 

Just listen to your heart and God.

 

I wish you the best.

[Reading Machine]

I called her and ask her if she remember what tomorrow was ( aniversary of our first date). She said yes and she wishes she could forget it and me. I first thought how rude. Then I ask her if she would like to do something together and she said after what I did Monday it was not a good idea.She said she left my house on Sunday thinking I had changed and was happy that I wanted to work on us. Then my actions on Monday had proved her wrong. She said she did not understand why one day I am great and the next I am crazy. I told her I was in the process of repairing myself ( Unemployment, Mother' death, her leaving me, of course I did not say this) I just told her that I am not perfect and I was working on myself a little more each day. I realized after I got back from the bank and grocery store. That she did not mean the forget about me statement in a bad way. If a women has been away from you for five months and is not seeing anyone else and cries to her friends about you, she only wishes she could forget me but her heart want let her. After she told me no about tomorrow, I told her she has my number and knows where I live if she changes her mind. What do you think I should do next?

[TaraMaiden]

Emigrate.

 

Honestly man, you are in no state to pick up a relationship, let alone start a new one.....

[Reading Machine]

I agree with you. However, do I just let my marriage go? It is almost impossible to find a job that will pay more than unemployment. I have already registered to finish my Phd starting in January. I just want some simple advise to start showing my wife that although my ____ was knocked in the dirt, I can be strong and change my attitude.

 

I know there are plenty of you that have had your back against the wall and pulled it together. This forum has been extremely helpful, so I am sure there is tons of advise you can give me.

 

Thanks,

RM

Edited December 10, 2009 by Reading Machine

[seibert253]

You've left the door open, there's nothing more you can do for her.

 

It's YOU time. Time to work on you. Repairing you. Being the best YOU you can be. If not for her, then for the next one that comes along.

 

Stop looking back and look ahead. If she joins you in that journey, fine. If not, well that's OK too. But, it's up to her. You gave her the choice and opportunity. If she doesn't take it, it's on her, not you.

 

Go back NC. It will be hard, but you will heal a little everyday. Pretty soon you'll get to the point you won't care if she comes back. You will get there, but it will take time. Time DOES heal all wounds.

 

This process consists of three steps forward, two steps back. Sucks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

No retreat, no surrender.

 

Peace,

[Reading Machine]

I've had enough! ____ that b_tch! I agree with you folks. It's me time.

Edited December 12, 2009 by Reading Machine

[Reading Machine]

She calls me to ask why I waited on her at Bank of America? I told her I needed my fifty dollars that I had loaned her and I wanted to deposit it that day. She said she was going to call me when she went to the bank during her break at work. I know but I felt like she would try to pull something on me. She called the next day very angry asking how long I had waited at the bank. I waited on the inside for over an hour. Some of her friends that work there told her. During the conversation, she let me know that there is no one else and that she had been waiting 7 months for me to change. She said that she wants to come back to me but every time she gives me a chance I blow it. I have calmed down now for over a week. I have called her the last three days to tell her good morning and she still says she is mad at me for not trusting that she would give me my money. She says she has to go to another branch because all her friends at that Bank of America thinks she has a crazy and jealous husband. Do I go back to "No Contact" or do I keep calling to tell her good morning and continue to act pleasant?

[CarrieT]

Dude. Go back to NC and STICK TO IT.

 

You really need to move on and not dwell on her. Your time is worth way more than $50 of waiting around at a bank!

 

NC for 20 days and then 37 days is not NC. You have to stick to it and move FORWARD. Every time you re-initiate contact with her, you are taking emotional steps backward.

[Reading Machine]

CarrieT,

 

I understand what you are saying. I always fold like a house of cards. Do you think I will lose her? I love her very much or I would'nt have married her. She claims she left me because I was abusive to her. I admit it I was, I push her against the wall the night after she had tried to hold me hostage in our home at knife point. Her argument is she did not stab or cut me. She just wanted to get my attention. Well, I pushed her up against the wall because I thought she was going back after the knife. I never mention this incident, she repeatedly brings it up along with everything else I have done wrong. She states that she cannot get over me abusing her. However, she keeps telling me there is no one else she is waiting for me to change.

After months of unemployment, I have taken a sales job, I have registered for grad school to get my PhD in Psycology. I am trying to get my life together. I tell her I have been through a lot ( i,e, laid off, Mother's death, her leaving me) it takes time to change. I am getting better every day.