AmazingCLK Posted December 17, 2003 Posted December 17, 2003 Hey everyone, I am new here, but I’m in need of some help from everybody I am 21 and I have been dating this girl for 2.5 yrs, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ending our relationship. I haven’t been putting 100% into it, and I just don’t have they same feelings for her. Don’t get me wrong she is a great girl, but I see her more as a friend than a companion. There are few things that are making a difficult situation even more difficult. The first thing is we are for the most part each other’s first loves. I am everything to her, and her world would be completely crush if I left Second, the length of our relationship is making it hard for me, we both have invested a lot of time into each other Third, we lost our virginity to each other. Lastly, it’s the holiday season. The holiday season is supposed be filled with fun, and happiness. And this wouldnt be doing that. I guess my issue is that I’m not sure if I want to end this or not. I’ve heard from some of my friends, that "it isn’t fair to either of us to drag this on" but I guess this statement makes it harder for me, because she is such a great girl, and I don’t want her out of my life, but at the same time I want to get out a see other woman, and have fun being single. I understand I have to figure out what I want, but is there anyway to get the best of both worlds? The way I see it, if I break up with her, it will be an “all or nothing situation”. Please help. Thanks a lot Mike from Michigan
Arabess Posted December 17, 2003 Posted December 17, 2003 Well Mike...breaking up with someone right before the holidays after all the time you've been together might not be real considerate. For the rest of her life, she could associate the holidays with a bad sad feeling. I personally would wait until after the first of the year. Sit her down and say exactly what you said in your post. SURE she's going to be upset. However, being as young as you both are and the fact you've already spent alot of your dating lives together.....you are doing both of you a favor by being honest and actually getting out into the world to see what it has to offer you. The tricky part is to get her to understand that you are willing to be friends, but only in a capacity which still allows you both freedom to move on. The worst thing is when one of the people in the relationship keep waiting for someone to 'come back to them'. I read it all the time on posts in here. Someone tried to break up nicely.....and they turn it into a big sloppy mess. I don't know this girl and how she will react.....but all you can do is be up front and stick to your convictions. She may or may not understand. I stink at breaking up with people so badly....I'm afraid to even GET in a relationship anymore. SO, I understand how difficult this is for you. You are making the right decision though. Make sure and post later how it went.... Arabess
glasshammer Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 If you really really cannot get thoughts of dating other women and being single out of your head, then you have to break up with her. It's not fair for you and not fair for her to continue in your relationship when you're having doubts. Think about what you guys have though. If you guys have a great relationship and it's really good, don't dump it out the window. Because i'll tell you from experience...You WILL regret it if you lose something good. If you have something good with another person, but you want to see what else is out there, That's Lust. It's like a gameshow. It's a gamble. It's like being asked "Okay, You have $10,000, you can walk away now or you can try for 20,000, but if you get the question wrong, You lose it all." All I'm saying from a dude to a dude, Just be sure you want to risk losing your girl because it could happen. Don't be a pansy and string her along and tell her you just need to see what's out there and experiment and try other girls to see if she's "the one"...that's a manipulative gesture..it's playing with her feelings. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Author AmazingCLK Posted December 18, 2003 Author Posted December 18, 2003 I see your points. But would it be worth it to try to talk with her about this? I just keep thinking if I do that she'll all worked up about the situation, she wont really listen to what I am saying. Any thoughts on how I should approach this, or is this not a very good idea to evn try this?
maxmuscle Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 I hope you are 110% positive this is what you want to do because once she gets over it, she is GONE forever. Then its open season on you! Both of you share alot of special moments together. I am not saying to reconsider, I am just checking to see if you are absolutely, positively sure about your decision.
CostumeSmile Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 Just know that you are leaving something secure and real for something that is all but that. I agree w/ Arrabess if you must do this (and if you do it's totally understandable) wait until after the holidays and be as honest with her as you've been in your post, it will hurt her but in the end it's the best for the both of you. You don't want to stay with her and later resent her b/c you "think" you missed out on so much, it's best you get it out your system. Also know in doing this your setting her free, can you see her dating other people? Good luck....
Author AmazingCLK Posted December 19, 2003 Author Posted December 19, 2003 Actually, I can see her dating other people, it bothers me alittle but I guess with any ex (or in this case possible ex) you'd think that. Im guessing by all the points that have been made, it isnt very likely to "have the best of both worlds" I dont really want her completely out of my life. I want her as a friend still, or isnt that a very realistic thought.
CostumeSmile Posted December 19, 2003 Posted December 19, 2003 If I where her I'd be devastated but I would have to understand where you are coming from. I think that with time a friendship will be possible, you guys have shared a lot in life and you are being honest with her in the end those things will come in to play after she's done grieving. Good luck.
Katheyef Posted January 21, 2004 Posted January 21, 2004 Well it is so good to finally see a problem similar to my own. I've been searching for weeks for advice, let me tell you, and had to make decisions without it. I've been in a long-distance, long-term relationship for 3 1/2 years now. I'm only 20, so it's really all I've ever known. And for the last few months, I've felt a desire to get out and see the world (via dating other men, notably) that I cannot push away. I really feel like in this kind of situation that you must REALLY feel and want what you are saying, because as I'm sure you know, it has huge implications. For me, because I'm young ( and you are too, only 21?) and in university, I feel like I'm watching the 'best years of my life' go by without much incident. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with my boyfriend has been absolutely wonderful. Genuinely, he is the best person I know, and he is also my best friend. Nobody who has ever met him has disliked him. However, even with that knowledge, I still felt the way that I do, about wanting experience what I feel like every person needs to have before they settle down. As well, I feel the onset of an obligation to move in together, etc, when I get out of school because I will be finishing 2 years ahead of him. So, basically, what with all of my friends/family's opinions, my own good opinion of him, and time nagging me, it has been an enormous amount of pressure to keep with it. But in the end, you have to do what is right by you. And for me it came down to my happiness vs his. I started to break the news to my boyfriend on x-mas eve. Ouch! I know, but I had meant to do it a week or so early, but we were both so busy, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. After telling him, he was EXTREMELY hurt, and decided to fly out here. Over the last week we have talked it over so so much, and amazingly, he has been very understanding. I know in my heart that my decision was not about him specifically, but about my discomfort with the idea of spending my life with only one man, and still expecting to know that it's 'right' or that he's 'the one.' I think perhaps because of this, his reaction was not catastrophic. He left just today, and I am feeling cautiously optimistic. We are planning to talk still and be friends, and I am going to work in his country this coming summer, and if the feelings are right, we may date casually. Because, after all, it's casual dating that I feel like I have missed out on, and that I will regret not experiencing later in life. So, I would say assess your feelings completely, but be prepared for the worst. Perhaps your girlfriend has similar feelings, but also feels reluctant to say it. Just know in the end, if you stay unhappy, it won't make her happy. You went into the relationship for a reason, and if it no longer applies, sad to say, it may be time to reevaluate. Don't feel too awful about it; you have to be true to yourself, above all. Good luck!
Kriz Posted January 21, 2004 Posted January 21, 2004 After two years you know your partner very well. If you are best friends, that's great. Think about wether she's your best friend whom you love or plainly your best friend. I've had this phase with my girlfriend too. The 'new' was gone. I figured it was better not to be together anymore. But I chickened out of telling her... Afterwards, I can only say I'm glad that I'm such a cowardous person. I can't imagine her being with anyone else but me. I notice that the 'rush' you experience in a relationship isn't always there anymore, but it'll return. I just figure that it's best being best friends besides being lovers... (damn, that's a whole lotta b's)
ingjerdj Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Hi! I know what you feel!! It does not work when one of you wants more independence and freedom and the other wants to get more involved... have been in a relationship with a guy these past 4 years ++, and two of these years have been spent apart. The first year we were together we were in different cities, so I never really got to know him properly before we suddenly were in a serious relationship and moved in together. The past year we have spent time apart, and I really have begun to long for freedom, but he is like the nicest guy ever and when I tried to tell him how I felt, he cried for 2 days straight, which sort of made me sympathetic and at some point I said I was sorry. So now I am still in the same situation and he's even more scared of losing me. The thing is my boyfriend is very kind, but does not really have backbone enough for me, and I tend to be too bossy and sort of the one who's controlling the relationship, and I really would want a relationship where theres more dynamics and more independence in terms of having separate interests but also some in common. I never really did the dating thing, and I feel that I am missing out on that (I am 23), even though a lot of my friends (most of them) are currently in serious relationships. Also, my parents don't really dig my boyfriend because he is so introvert and shy, and I am the oposite.... In addtion we will be apart for one more year at least, and I don't know if there's any point in pursuing it further.... But how can I make him understand without crushing him completely???? I suck at break ups! HELP NEEDED!
annieps Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Finally.. other people who know what i'm going through! I've been going out with my boyfriend for two years and we've had many ups and downs. My best experiences with him were things like travelling around America together for 5 weeks. The problem is, for awhile now, (probably about a yr) I've been having phases where I'm totally depressed and don't want to be with him anymore, then at other times I'm quite happy and wondered why I ever contemplated breaking up. It is nothing that he has done that alters my mood. He is a caring, loving guy who would do every possible thing for me. He looks after me so well, e.g. cooks, lends me money, lets me borrow his car, does housework... the problem is, I'm 19 and he's 24. He is ready to settle down in a few years, where as I feel i am too young to be with the same guy and can't help but wish that I had the freedom to date other guys and spend more time with my friends. I know deep down that he is not 'The One', and that i don't see myself ending up married to him or even living together. However I know I will never find a guy who is loves me as much as he does. I feel like I am stringing him along. I have tried breaking up with him a few times before but he tells me to 'stop being silly, i know you love me deep down', or he threatens to commit suicide so I end up changing my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in a shoebox with no way of escaping! I've been depressed about it and it's affecting my grades. We are very close and I am comfortable in the relationship, I don't know if I want that part of my life to end. But something has to be wrong if I'm constantly having doubts, right? Please help me someone, this stress is not good for my health.
megavega82 Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 You know after reading all your messages, I feel a bit better. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 8 months, and its been some of my best years. Think about it, 6 Valentines, Birthdays, Prom back in High School, Holidays, you name it. I feel that anywhere I go there is a memory of him. But the past year it has been ok, I moved into a bigger city, more people, things to do, and I feel that it is time to let go. But it is so hard, I wish I can freeze him up and put him away for a little bit, date all I can, and when I'm finaly ready to settle down bring him back out. But how selfish can I be. I'm only 22, and I realize that I cant do this to him anymore. Jessica
emotionsmessmeup Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 I am in the girls situation after 5 years of relationship.. I am devastated.. He wants to date others so that he can be stable with me... He wants to be sure I am the one. Well This probably means he is very sure I am not the one 5 years is a long time and all I think all the time is...what did i do wrong. I know I could get clingy and nto give hsi space... But in the end, last night after an hour of conversation with him I realized he must have made up his mind, why else would he do this. He doesnt want to be with me but some part of me does want to hold on. AFter 1 hour of fighting, calming down..etc. etc. I texted him and I said I will not take his calls/Im or anything from now on. He chose not to be with him, I will show hm what he shows. Trust me...The only thing I ever wanted was to make this relationship work..Never wanted to be a doctor..never had big dreams..just wanted to marry him .. and I am very scared rigth now...But then I think...A man who is a market of high bidders knows the value of a good product when he sees one and he knows how to take care of it..on the other hand..a beggar may have something very worthy but not even know the value of it. IN THE END, HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME. Thsi is the toughest thing I have ever done.... dont want to take over this thread..i am going to repost so that i can get some encouragement..
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