jlj1967 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) My boyfriend, well now my ex boyfriend and I were together about a year and a half. We were in love and he asked me to marry him, I accepted. We live in different states and he was just in town to visit me and had left on Sept. 22nd. On, Sept. 23rd, Iwas at my sisters house which is two hours away. Everyone else was out or on their way back to her house. My brother in law and I were at my sisters alone. He walks into the living room where I was sitting, pulls down his pants, his underware grabs my ches (all in one instant) and then says to me, .."lets do it...wannna do it". I blocked myself and pushed his arms away and when my sister got back with my daughter, we left. Before they got back he said either "don't be freaked out or don't be all freaked out" and asked me if I was going to tell my sister. They were going to divorce last I saw them. He is still there and last night things seemed pretty ok..so I guess those plans were on the back burner... When my sister gets back with my daughter, I get my stuff and head home. I didn't tell my sister yet. I was so upset and didn't want to be MORE shook up for a two hour drive home and scare my daughter with the confrontation. So on the way home I call my boyfriend and tell him what happened. He is upset and scared for me. I was not physically hurt. He is furious at what my brother in law did and then starts the questions. He didn't like I handled it...and so this is what he had to say... He was MAD, overall. Then he was going on and on about why I didn't tell her right then and there and told me "you won't listen to me, you are going to do what you are going to do" Asked again if I was ok and then said "You have an exciting life, no guy ever comes over and drops his pants in front of me"....that part was supposed to be funny in his lame attempt to lighten the mood, but I find it HORRIBLY INSENSITVE and cruel. He was finishing up at work and told me to call him when I got closer to home. I did just th atat 8:30 p m. on Sept. the 23rd. I also mentioned to him about calling me back when he says he is going to....he got bent out of shape and said he isn't going to argue about that...said he would talk to me later, and bye....he then hung up. That was at 8:30 p m on Sept. 23rd. The boyfriend ended up calling back the next day at 6:00 pm on his way home from work to see how I was feeling. I don't know, but I was pretty upset that I had not heard from him since earlier the night before. It wasn't like I broke a toe, I was sexually assaulted. When he did call, I asked him why he didn't call earlier, even to see how I was....he said that he didn't want people to hear him at work and start asking all kinds of questions. I guess stepping outside or telling them "none of your business" is out of the question. Overall I wasn't happy with his attitude and I told him "You dropped the ball buddy." He replied with "Buddy????" and then said he didn't want to say the wrong thing or have me take something he said the wrong way, he didn't want to hurt me. So he said he would talk to me later. That was Sept. the 24th at 6 pm, the day AFTER the assault. I have not heard from him in any way since (except in a short email on my bday that only said "happy birthday". I'm sorry, if the love of my life had been sexually assaulted or abused, no busy day would keep me from checking on them.... Is the boyfriend being selfish? Was I out of line? Do I expect too much? So this is where the statement comes in..... On thanksgiving night I sent him a text message saying I hope you had a good turkey day and am glad you are ok (a generalized ok). He replied back via text with “I’m hanging in there”. I told him to stay safe. He replied with “U 2 with your new luv”. I don’t have a new love. He said he had read my posts and comments on a forum we are both on, but he took he misinterpreted what it meant. He thought I had a new love. I don’t. What it meant was I found love, within myself. I clarified that with him. He can be a jealous guy. I then asked him if he had someone new (he replied with no, after he made the statement below) THAT’S when he said about himself “I am not a person to be loved by anyone”. Can anyone explain that statement to me????? Edited December 7, 2009 by jlj1967 add more detail
billy356 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 well then, that is a complicated one.... first off, I am very sorry that you had to have that experience. No person should be subjected what you were subjected to and no excuse exists for those actions. The best explanation for your ex-bf's that I can sumize is that he was either immasculated by the incident or he truly thought that you might have made it up to explain away a sexual encounter. I am more likely to think that the former is the case over the latter. Often times in incidents of sexual assault where the female is the victim and also has a serious relationship the male part of that relationship will have severe issues dealing with the attack. The bf will assume it is his role to protect you and when an assault happens it is an example of a time he wasn't protecting you. It can also trigger feelings of possesivness to which the attack can be a form of "trespass". The bf can also feel inadequate as another male has forced himself onto the gf in a sexual manner that is different than what the bf/gf have. A lot of these examples can seem silly and immature out of context but when considered within the context of a sexual assault, emotions are extremely intense and drives our psyche into a more primal construct. So I would guess that he was pretty shook up by the attack himself. I would guess that he is fairly insecure , has a quick temper, and probably had issues trusting you to some degree prior to the attack. The attack just amplified all of this in him and he imploded. You did nothing wrong. You should be able to expect the support and compassion of your bf in a time like this and you did not receive it. I don't think he intentionally went about things the wrong way but he obviously did. When something like this happens and the reactions are the way they are I don't see much chance of a reconnection. He would have to go through some pretty deep changes to be able to process what happened and not let it affect the relationship. it sounds like you do not want a reconnection anyway, so that is good. Now time to focus on you. Have you seen a therapist? Have you been keeping a journal? Even the most mild of sexual assaults can have a profound effect on the victim and the symptoms may be belayed for quite some time if the victim does not take the time to properly and professionally process the events, the emotions that come as a result, and the path they must take to move on. I strongly suggest that if you have not already, please see a clinical psychologist even if for one visit. You may feel fine, it may be silly, but you must trust me on this. You did nothing wrong, you are handling it rather well, at least from what I can read. Take the necessary steps and you will find happiness again, i promise.
Author jlj1967 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Billy Thank you for taking to the time to read and reply to my post. It has been a very difficult time. I lost my safety and party of my family and the love of my life, all within 24 hours. It is a HORRIBLE feeling. I am seeing a counselor but have to admitt that I have put it off for a few weeks, I need to get back. You are correct in that the feelings of anger and confusion WILL come out in one way or another. I haven't been journaling. Maybe that is something I should try. I have SO much anger and SO much confusion, and every other emotion you can imagine that sometimes it is hard to make out which emition is which. I know it all takes time. I don't think he meant to react like a jerk, but he did. What I don't understand is why he never looked back. How can someone not want to know how the love of their life is doing after such an ordeal. Oh that's right, he told me he knew I was ok because of posts and comments that I put up on a message board that we both frequent. I find that lame. He let me down and it's like he doesn't care. I sent him messages in every way telling him that I didn't understand why he wasn't talking to me...and that didn't he know he was needed. He never replied, till the texts on Thanksgiving night. How can he not care, how can he not ask? Could you also shed a little light on this comment??? THAT’S when he said about himself “I am not a person to be loved by anyone”.
Author jlj1967 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 The best explanation for your ex-bf's that I can sumize is that he was either immasculated by the incident or he truly thought that you might have made it up to explain away a sexual encounter. I am more likely to think that the former is the case over the latter. I told him what happened and that I did nothing to provoke it, want it, bring it about...NOTHING. I don't think he believes that I am covering up a sexual encounter. So I would guess that he was pretty shook up by the attack himself. I would guess that he is fairly insecure , has a quick temper, and probably had issues trusting you to some degree prior to the attack. Yes he is prone to have a quick temper and is a self proclaimed jealous man. I think there is a level of lower trust if someone is jealous. He would have to go through some pretty deep changes to be able to process what happened and not let it affect the relationship. it sounds like you do not want a reconnection anyway, so that is good. I do still love him, and I told him. I also told him I don't like what he did, but I do still love him. He didn't comment on that at all.
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