EYECANDY000 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Its been 2 weeks and I seriously can't do NC. I drive by his house. I sit in front of his house. I text him all the time. I texted him one day and stated that if you still love me look out the window. I cook his favorite foods to I can go over there to see him. I cry myself to sleep. A few weeks ago I spent the night at his house and that was the first time in almost 2 weeks that I got a full 8 hours sleep . I held him all night and it felt so good to be back in his arms. I don't want to date other guys because all I think of is him. I'm driving myself crazy! I love him and all I want is for him to trust me again and come back to me
JBaker Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 It sounds like you are doing the very opposite of NC. You need to at the very least give him some space. Driving by his house is the second worst thing you can do - the first worst is let him KNOW that you are driving by his house often. He will probably view this as somewhat psycho. Stop texting him so much, as well. Let him contact you. Really, the best thing you can do is give him some space. Like they say on Swingers - there is nothing you can do to get them to come back, but plenty of things you can do to push them away. If he is going to come back you have to let him make that decision. Give him time to decide whether that is what he wants or not.
j_cali_man Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I noticed that you are 1000 posts into LS. That being said, I am betting that you knwo what NEEDS to be done but you are just not ready to do that yet. That being said, it is ok to allow yourself to feel the emotions and it is up to you when to decide to take steps for improvement. For now he is on-again / off-again regarding your needyness but in the blink of an eye people can turn colder than a glacier and you will be CRUSHED. So, in orde to salvage any hope of a relationship it is best to go NC even if just a month while you unravel your co-dependency issues. I am dealing with that now so i can understand some of yoru behaviors. I got an audio book from Melody Beatie (The New Codependency) which is helping a ton. Still have days that are tough after my split but I am determined to get out of this valley that I am in. J
Author EYECANDY000 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 I feel like if I do NC then he will eventually feel like I am not making an effort to be with him. He will think that I am not fighting for the relationship. I want to show him that I love him, that I care, that I am the one who he can alwyas count on. And I can't show him that if I'm doing NC. Is funny because I give my friends the best advice when it comes wo relationships and I can't follow my own. I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm usually very quiet and timid. And now, I'm very outspoken, submissive, and willing to do whatever he wants . I told him today that I will bring over his favorite dish so I can see him and he agreed. If he wants space, and he tells me he will never trust me again. Then why let me keep coming over?
JBaker Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You have already shown him that you are interested and amenable to reconciliation. So going into NC will not make him think that all of a sudden you are not fighting for him. He knows you are willing to fight for him. But it is a two-way street. He needs to be willing to fight for your relationship, too. If you go into NC he will know that you are still willing to work things out, but it puts the ball into his court. He will have to decide whether or not he wants to pursue you any further or not.
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You have already shown him that you are interested and amenable to reconciliation. So going into NC will not make him think that all of a sudden you are not fighting for him. He knows you are willing to fight for him. But it is a two-way street. He needs to be willing to fight for your relationship, too. If you go into NC he will know that you are still willing to work things out, but it puts the ball into his court. He will have to decide whether or not he wants to pursue you any further or not. Perfect. Like JBaker said, you have basically told and definitely showed him that you still want him in your life. What else can you do? Drag him kicking and screaming? You have to go NC right now, no question about it. It was a mistake to sleep outside his home, it was a mistake to sleep in his arms again and not reconcile, and yes it is a mistake to make his favorite dish as if that will make him want you back completely...he just doesn't. I have an ex that goes from completely ignoring the hell out of me and then out of the blue, sending me flowers to my job (i know, right?) It is entertaining to our exes that we pine for them and act on it. What an ego boost! Don't be his clown another day longer. Conduct NC now and forever.
kimmi Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 How long have you really givin this NC ? And I mean no contact with him at all. I just posted on here today after years of silence from me. Yesterday would have been 8 years that we were together. As well yesterday I decided that I was going 100%. NC. I am tired of being a rag doll. Do I love him, Oh ya I do. Would I drop everything that I am doing right now for him. No I would not. As long as I am always there for him and ready to do things all the time (because it is good for him) makes me look like a weak sad person. I'm not weak at all, I am independent, goal getting person that knows what she wants.I'm not going to waste my time on giving to all his needs right now, I think that it has taken away from myself and the things that I should be doing for myself. It is one of the hardest things to do but on the other hand it is one of the most help full things I can do for ME... It is only day 1 for me but I know I can do this. Time heals all wounds...
threebyfate Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 First and foremost, NC is not the only way to handle a break up. But in the OP's case, I think NC is a necessity. You need to desperately learn to stand on your own two feet. No one is worth this much, that you would throw all dignity out the window and lay down in front of his door, as a welcome mat.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 How long have you really givin this NC ? And I mean no contact with him at all. I haven't really. Its been 2 weeks since we broke up. I didn't contact him a few days or so . Because I wanted to give him time to cool off. But its pretty much everyday I contact him. Today I asked if I can come over to bring him some food and he stated its up to you? And I replied ' well I know its up to me.. do you want it? And his response was its up to you? I know I am throwing all dignity out the door, but I'm an emotional wreck. I just want to get over there and see him. When I text him he isn't mean, but also he isn't very inviting.
LovelyDaze Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 EYECANDY000, And when you struggle with NC...make sure you put yourself in his shoes. Picture an ex of yours you are not interested in going back with and having that guy do all the things you have done...how would you react to all of that? I pictured endlessly texting and calling my ex and it was not a pretty thought. He would think I was psycho to the ninth power and steer clear away from me i am sure. NC keeps your dignity in check.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I think that you are not giving it a chance at all yet. Love is power full and in some way makes us fell powerless.. I am feeling good that I have not contacted him today . Makes me want to do it another day longer . I am not doing it to be mean I am doing this because He said the same that your ex sad. Forget it were done (more or less). I think that if we are done so be it, that's fine but your not going to have the things that you had when you were with me. I will not go out of my way for you anymore and you will miss me. Creepy he just called but I will not answer that . He can wonder and think about the way that he has been with me. It has been 8 months that I have been dealing with this situation, not because of him but because I refused to let go. NOw I know for myself I have to. I really hope that you will see that sooner then later... My ex use to always say "it's up to you". Now I say it is up to me to contact you or not. I choose the Not part of this. Don't let him hurt you anymore... And you should stop hurting yourself as well.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks everyone for the advice. I really did take your advice to heart. Yesterday when I was in the store to buy my ex something to eat and I texted him and asked if he still wanted it, and he replied its up to you.. I logged onto love shack. I guess I just needed to hear , how I am being a door mat. And I read your comments, and put the food down and walked out the store. Today will be day 1 that I will try not to contact him at all..
threebyfate Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Stick to it, Eyecandy. Anyone who would grudgingly take what you offer, is selfish indeed. "Sure, I'll let you pander to my every need but I'm not going to give you anything or even appreciate your efforts". He's vomit worthy.
dietpepsi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks everyone for the advice. I really did take your advice to heart. Yesterday when I was in the store to buy my ex something to eat and I texted him and asked if he still wanted it, and he replied its up to you.. I logged onto love shack. I guess I just needed to hear , how I am being a door mat. And I read your comments, and put the food down and walked out the store. Today will be day 1 that I will try not to contact him at all.. Good to hear it! Breaking NC only went badly for me, wish i wouldn't have done it actually.
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Hold your ground on this and WAY TO GO!!!! Live on here if you have to , anything you want to say come here and say it.. We are all here to help each other. KEEP UP THE AWESOME WORK!
LovelyDaze Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Baby steps, my love, baby steps! Oh NC is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life. Most things that are worth having, require hard work. It's easy to keep contact with your ex, letting him use you as a doormat and staying "in love" with him. We all can and some have done that. You will feel so much stronger every time you don't pick up that phone.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Give him time - I'm guessing that he'll start missing your crazy behavior. Just sit back and watch. And don't contact him again. If he contacts you, don't answer right away. Btw, why did the two of you break up? From the way you're talking, it sounds like you did something to lose his trust in you.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Btw, why did the two of you break up? From the way you're talking, it sounds like you did something to lose his trust in you. We went on vacation a few weeks ago. We had the best 4 days and was planning another vaca. So the night before we were to go home we started talking about past relationships. It was a very tasteful conversation. But then he started telling me that his ex gf who he was with for 4 years right before me, had the best body, she was kinky, she was his comfort zone. He stated that everytime they would break up he would always go back to her. So he talked for 2 mins. Non stop until finally I said' helloooooo I'm still sitting here' so he said sorry. So not even 10 mins past and we have a petty argument, and he states that I need to take more vitamins , and I'm to thin, and how I'm not kinky enough for him. And I stormed out the hotel room to get some air, and when I came back he was asleep. So to fast forward, we fly back home the next day and still aren't really on talking terms. I take him home, and when I get back home I realize he left his camera. So I sat there for about an hour wondering if I should look. And so I did. It was just pics of old g/fs and family members. I didn't like the fact that he had g/f pics but I figured its not my cam. The next day I log into my phone and notice that he is still logged on to his email. Now, I wasn't going to read anything, but since I felt insecure and wasn't sure if he was going to leave me for his ex, I felt like I needed answeres. There was an email where he asked a girl for a massage. And I was shocked because I'm like he's emailing women while we are on vacation asking for a massage. ( well he shouldn't be asking anyways , but it was shocking that he was doing it on vaca) I called him and asked why he's asking women for massages? Much to my surprise the girl use to be a massage therapist. He stated that he couldn't trust me and that If I really wanted to know if he was cheating on me I should have just asked. Now, at that point I felt really stupid and so I took his camera to a photo store to get our vaca pic off his camera. I figured he wouldn't give them to me willingly since he was upset. So I get the pics on a disc. I give him his cam back and a minute later he calls me and states that I DELETED 300 PICS FROM HIS CAMERA!! To which I declined. Because I never deleted anything. I told him I went to retrieve vacation pics and there was something wrong with the kiosk but I was sure that nothing deleted off. I did almost everything that I could to try and get those pics back. I spoke with a manager, they called their engineer. And nothing.. I told him where the insecurity stemed from. It was from the convo about the ex. But he just didn't want to hear it. Said he would never ever trust me again. Also on a side note I would be at his home more than my own. I would go in and out as I pleased. I was always home alone and never had the urge to snoop through none of his stuff. And now its over
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Good grief. Why on earth would you want to be with such an arrogant jerk???
kimmi Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 No Kidding, There are words that sometimes get used that causes pain with the truth and not intending to hurt the other person , then there is intent to hurt. He wanted to hurt you , That is really mean what he said to you. Walk away you do not need to listen to that at all.. That's CRAP!
Author EYECANDY000 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I guess I want to be with a jerk because I love him. He stated that I shouldn't have taken it so personal and I should have known where his heart is at. He texted me today just to ask a stupid question. And I responded back. We agreed to meet today but I definately don't think its to reconcile its because he wants to get intimate. I know that I need to back out and not allow myself to get sucked back into it. But it does have to be baby steps. But my plan is to go over there so we can talk. I just want you guys/gals to know I am definately taking each and every comment to heart. And I appreciate everything. I have always loved this site because you get to express your feelings and get great advice. I don't have friends who I can call so I rely on this site as my main source right now. But its just seems impossible to go NC. He is my first love and I can't let go. I've never had to deal with a break up before, which is probaly the reason why I don't know what to do. I know its wrong , and I should go over there but how else can I show him how much I care?
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