eeyore1981 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 The last few months have been very bad for me. I was to the point of planning leaving and/or having an affair. This is something I shared with my husband. I was in so much pain my focus turned more and more towards doing whatever I had to do to feel better. Sat. our daughter brought up our 25th anniversary, which is almost here, and asked what special plans we had made for it. It took everything I had to keep a straight face and tell her I hadn't decided yet. I then said I had to run an errand so I could leave and not have to deal with the conversation anymore. I didn't see this as anything to celebrate, for me it was just a big, fat reminder of how much of my life I had lost with a man who didn't give a crap about me. H asked me if he could go, and I said okay. I actually couldn't believe he would want to go, as he goes to great lengths to avoid conflict, and he would have to be brain dead at this point to not know how I was feeling. We started talking, and after we ran errands he went to a secluded area and parked so we could talk some more. He admitted the things I knew were true he had been denying for the last 2+ years. He told me way more things than I can post in here, things like how he was feeling and why he had an affair and how over the past 6 months or so he has really begun to understand how messed up his thought processes have been. It's not just the things he said. Two of the major things that came across to me with his body language, his expressions, and his tone were how intense his love for me is, and how ashamed he is, not just for the affair, but for so many other things he has done. He didn't say it outright, but I got a pretty strong message a lot of the problem for him is he is afraid of the feelings he has for me, so does things to sabatoge our relationship, because of his self-doubts, he doesn't trust my feelings for him. I don't know how to describe in words the atmosphere between us, other than to say it was very, very different than other times when we have talked about this. I believed him on Saturday, and in the past 2 days nothing has come up that contradicts anything he said, so I still believe him. What I know from my side along with what he has told me finally come together and make sense. One thing that makes me so sad is all the pain both of us have gone through for the past 2 years, and the affair wasn't even that bad. He said he thought about having sex with her a few times, but when the opportunities presented, he backed off. He also said he cared about her but he didn't have any feelings of love for her. He said he thought I didn't want him, so he needed to feel someone else did. Even though I didn't know he was having an affair when it was going on, I still remember things that were going on between us, and what he has told me fits with what I remember. This was my impression of what had happened when I first found out, and all the lies he told convinced me over time it was so much worse. I feel like I have dropped a heavy burden. He had to leave town last night for about a week, and he told me he was already missing me before he left, and I felt the same way. He has been looking at me with so much love for a long time now, but because he was lying to me and hurting me, it just pissed me off. Now it makes me feel so good. We still have some work to do. He needs to address and deal with his issues of insecurity, and I have some heavy duty anger and resentment walls to knock down, but I have a reason to now, so it shouldn't be too hard. It has been a long time since I have felt so happy. My sense of impending doom has left the building. It seems like we actually have a good chance to have the wonderful marriage I always thought we could, and I am really looking forward to our anniversary now.
PhoenixRise Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 eeyore I am really glad that things are so much better for you and your H. Here's hoping that this honest communication between the two of you continues. Plan something really fabulous and romantic for your 25 anniversary. Congratulations.
Snowflower Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 One thing that makes me so sad is all the pain both of us have gone through for the past 2 years, and the affair wasn't even that bad. He said he thought about having sex with her a few times, but when the opportunities presented, he backed off. He also said he cared about her but he didn't have any feelings of love for her. He said he thought I didn't want him, so he needed to feel someone else did. Even though I didn't know he was having an affair when it was going on, I still remember things that were going on between us, and what he has told me fits with what I remember. This was my impression of what had happened when I first found out, and all the lies he told convinced me over time it was so much worse. eeyore, I'm glad to hear that you have reached a better place. I understand exactly what you are saying above. Try to keep this in mind as you go forward. It's too bad it took your H 2 years to be completely honest. Also, you bring up a good point that you can remember things that were going on between the two of you at the time and now that you can put those events in their proper perspective (because you know the truth now), hopefully it will help you regain trust and faith in your H. Good luck!
wheelwright Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 It's great to hear you are reaching a genuine peace. Something positive at last. I think this honesty thing is clearly key for marriage to work. Something I learned the hard way. Good luck. I hope the good feelings continue.
aeh Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 eeyore have you read my post today "something clicked"? It sounds like we had similar weekends. I am so happy for you. Congratulations and hugs to you!!
Author eeyore1981 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks for all the well wishes. It is good this happened when it did. After my H told me about having to go out of town this week, I was going to fly out to where I want to move and line up a place, so when he was out of town in Jan. I could get my stuff packed and moved. H did not know this, but I'm thinking he picked up on the change in me. There was also a guy who was putting some moves on me, who I didn't encourage, but I also didn't discourage, and I have caused myself some massive inner turmoil going back and forth between should I or shouldn't I before I go. I'd like to say I would not have, but I would be lying if I did. It was like this secrecy had some insane power over me, and even leaving was not going to break it. I wondered if it was eventually going to drive me insane. The best part is I believe my husband truly loves me very much, and always has. It is a great feeling.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Eeyore, I'm so glad you had a good talk with your H...it sounds like he might be getting it, at least it seems that he's understanding how this has affected you, and that's half the battle. I always felt that my husband was so much less affected by his infidelity than I was. Because he had no real feelings for the OW and it was so brief, he was able to "get over it" quickly and chalk it up to a lapse in judgment (sanity if you ask me), but me? Not so much. It's been 5 years and rarely a day goes by that I don't think about it, but the pain is gone, thankfully. I will never fully trust him again, but I think we can work through that and learn to live with it. Unfortunately, you can forgive but you can never forget. I also believe that my husband loves me with all his heart, and that is why I stayed. Without that there is no chance for reconciliation.
moaningmyrtle Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I've only just found this thread after posting in the OW/OM forum earlier. Perhaps it's the season for "breakthroughs" in marriages recovering from infidelity. It's great to hear others' positive stories too. Below is what I posted in the OW/OM forum. It was nice to get a positive response from an OW too - thanks FA. "I want to say... ...that things have been a little off-track lately between my H and I. To recap he had a long-standing A (of which I was unaware at the time), lasting 3.5 years that ended about 4 years ago when the OW ended it. Last year her own H died and she contacted my H again and I discovered my H and her attempting to restart the A. There was a massive d-day. I said to my H that he could not continue with me if he was going to continue with her. I had no idea which choice he would make and truly believed my M was over because this OW had been in his mind for at least 7 years. The e-mails he wrote to her, expressing a profound love and deep level of intimacy, were unbearable for me to read. I spent about 6 months in a virtual stupor as every day I wished for a passive death to be visited on me. Anyway my H ended the relationship with her and has literally "devoted" himself to rebuilding our marriage, family and relationship. Unfortunately my healing has not been as marked. I often wake up in a panic with heart palpitations and chest pain, often at about 3 in the morning. Questions pop into my head and I feel a strong urge to wake my H to ask him. At first I always did, but now I resist the urge most times but still every so often I do. He dislikes it but seems to have accepted it as part of my healing. It happened again today and the question I so desperately wanted to ask him was about his own introspection during the past year and what he has discovered about himself. He answered it honestly (as he always tries to answer my questions - it's the "I don't remembers" that really bug me though). One of the things he mentioned is that before he had the A he had never really talked about his own feelings before with me or in previous relationships. However during the A he learned (with her I might add) that he had that capability within him and he practiced it (as I know from reading the e-mails). He said d-day was catastrophic for him too and made him realise exactly what it was he had been risking in having the A. He will never say it was all false feelings with the OW. On the one hand this hurts me, but on the other I suppose I would not believe him if he suddenly said it was all a ruse to get into her pants. He maintains that he never stopped loving me too and that to him it never felt strange that he was in this position (yes I know he was a cake-eater). I'm not a BW who insists that the MM never loved the OW, and it does annoy me that some OW on this forum, level that particular accusation as a generalisation at all BWs. I guess the thing is, is that for the past year he has been telling me of his feelings about all sorts of things and especially for me. This is not what he was like before so I have continually questioned this in my mind as being not the truth and just a ruse to stay married. As time passes I wonder how he keeps it up (in my dark moments). I guess my own breakthrough at 3am was that it is in fact "him" and is real. Admittedly it was the OW that brought it out in him but he says it felt good at the time with her, and now it feels totally right with me. I have decided that instead of doubting what he has repeatedly said (in the past year) about his feelings for me, I will accept them as being "real". Here's a little anecdote for you. On Saturday night we went out to a short film festival. We were sitting at a table with strangers and across from us were 2 very attractive women probably both in their early 30s. We got chatting with them about a blog my H is doing. My H gave one of the women his blog card (these are just cards that look like business cards that I did as a bit of a joke). The other woman immediately asked for a card too and the first one gave him her card in return. I thought they probably both found him attractive. I simply forgot about it until my H gave me the card next morning and I realised he thought I might be worrying about what he might do about this card. One thing I'll say is that my impression is that the OW who do end up with their MM are those who put it bluntly to the MM that he cannot have both. Sure they might choose their W, 9 times out of 10, but if you don't insist that you will not stay with him unless you are chosen then he will continue with both as long as you allow it. If his W finds out she will most likely give him a similar ultimatum. I can assure you that both a BW and an OW honestly have no idea which he will choose, so giving the ultimatum is equally hard for both. I suspect the woman who gets in first with the ultimatum (which is to make a choice) is the one with the upper hand in this but I don't really know. This is just my random thoughts really; hopefully not too far off topic. Good luck with everybody's healing. I truly believe that bringing it out into the open is the best way of resolving affairs. Sure somebody will be hurt, and not all will get the level of closure they would ideally like, but one way or another there will be a resolution."
Fallen Angel Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Eeyore, I am glad you are coming to a place of peace. I am sure it will only get better from here. Plan a wonderful holiday, and perhaps a romantic getaway for your anniversary, after all the hard work you have done to get there, you have more than earned it. I hope your holiday season is filled with love and joy. And HAPPY (TRULY HAPPY ) Anniversary!
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