Has anyone done the legal separation thing and still lived together?

[confusedinky]

The way our finances are right now I don't know how either one of us could move out. I don't want to disrupt my kids schooling and doubt either one of us will be able to find a house in the school district we currently live in without the others $$'s. Have any of you had any success going the legal separation route and just moving to the basement or another area of the house? We are getting along like roommates right now but only because I haven't pushed the issue and she doesn't know that I know she is still in contact with the OM. On a side note have any of you ever called the OM? I don't know this guy (he's an old boyfriend), he lives a few hours away is about 8 years older than us (49) and has never been married. I want to call him just to vent but don't know if it will do any good... he is actively participating in the deceit of the affair with blocked calls, fake emails etc... so I know he's a scumbag.

Edited December 7, 2009 by confusedinky

[GoodDad]

Man, I feel for you brother. Read my two threads and we are in similar situations indeed.

 

We are still living together for the last 3 months and doing counseling, but its been hard. She wants to move out now and do a trial separation but we are in the same boat, we built our lifestyle around dual income and didn't prepare for this day. Not that at the rate my wife spends money we could have. So I wish you luck. We live in separate bedrooms for the most part but the last two weeks she moved into the bedroom again, but since my car accident on Friday she has pulled away again and so expect her to move back to her bedroom.

 

I think she is at the point of getting a separate place even if we cant afford it due to the fact she never has been concerned about our financial issues before so doubt she will start now.

 

Mine too still seems to go back and forth with this OM, "friend" although they aren't too interested in her.

 

As to whether you should contact him. Whatever brings you peace. Are you trying to work through your issues or is it a done deal and you just want the chance to vent? If he is that much of a scumbag I doubt he will care even if you contact him.

 

But be warned, you are in for a rocky ride my friend. Welcome to LS and sorry we are all here.... now I have to head to week 11 of Marriage Counseling. Wish me luck.

 

Peace,

 

GD

[confusedinky]

Good luck GD... Mine had a full blown affair with this guy and claims it's over. We aren't in counseling now because her IT thinks she needs to work on her own issues first before we can work on ours (we did go for 3 months before I knew the extent of the affair she lied to me and the therapist about it, last session was when she confessed after I produced some evidence)... being in limbo sucks I want to stay together but honestly it's 98% for the kids otherwise I'd have been out the 2nd I knew for sure she slept with the guy. We are still in the same room but it's like two roommates sleeping in the same bed, I was O.K. with that until I discovered through some detective work that she was still in contact with the OM (they're in love), I haven't confronted her yet because I am thinking I may want to do it with a formal separation agreement. She really hasn't had to pay any consequences for her affair, none of our family knows and they just think we are having some sort of mid life thing. I am close to blowing it up because she has lied about it sooo much (first it wasn't sexual and then she has told me 3x she went NC with him and I found out otherwise). I am DONE with the games but want to be able to have some paperwork in place first. I know in business emotion usually gets you screwed so I am trying to be slow and deliberate in this thing so maybe, just maybe I won't get taken to the cleaners (got to love a "no fault" state!).

[ann09]

We've been living like that for a very, very long time. It's not a "legal"

separation but we are definitely like roommates now.

[tojaz]

I'm going to advise against contacting OM. Hes not your concern, yes hes a scumbag, but he wouldn't be an OM with out a WS to do it with. I contacted the OM in mine, made no difference she turned me into the bad guy, said I didn't trust her. Uhhhhhh, Yeah! Keep in mind ConfusedinKY that if it wasn't him it could just as easy bee someone else, it's whats going on in her head thats impacting you and your M.

 

As for sharing a home while seperated,? Thats going to be real hard on you man, especially when she is free to do what she wants openly. Tread lightly.

TOJAZ

[floridapad]

I know of two couples who were in your situation. W had an affair and felt "in love" with the OM. They did an in-house seperation. The situation was this

 

Couple 1) H received ILBILWY. "Been unhappy and haven't ever been "in love" with you etc. etc." Typical affair talk. Seperated in house different rooms different sections. W persued the affair with her "soul mate" as she referred to him. Husband was devastated but calm about the situation and worked on himself for 6-12 months and started dating and let go of the marriage emotionally. He tried to avoid the W while in the house. Affair finally ended a natural death (as most do) about 8 months later. H continued to date. Several months later W clears head of the fog and has her "awakening" . "OMG WTF did I do." I have destroyed my family. I do love my husband etc etc. Asks for forgiveness and reconciliation and starts doing MAJOR MAJOR actions to repair the damage she did. H continues to date and eventually decides to take her back. They live a happy "in love" life now. This process took about a year and a half after in house seperation. They are happy today.

 

Couple 2) Same situation. H went balistic. Exposed the affair. W gave him the "I hate you speech I haven't loved you the way I need". Seperated in a big house and any time they saw each other it was cold cold cold. Arguing etc. H was devastated (actually had a mental breakdown). 6-8 months later he started getting his stuff back and started dating. W persues affair and about 1 year later the luster and passion wears off and a light switch goes on in her head. Affair fog is instantly cleared. H continues dating but has detached and let go of her and the marriage and at this point they are both freindly to each other and begin to be cordial. Laugh a little more etc. etc. W looks around and realizes she has no more "family" and the H is not her H anymore (well emotionally speaking because they didn't divorce and he is out dating women) The emotional side of a loving unified family doing things together etc. etc. is gone. Finds out what love truly is and finally reaches the OMG WTF did I do stage. Comes back to H and asks for reconciliation. H continues dating but takes her back several months later. Today they are happy and loving and the family is together.

 

Those are the stories I know. Many people do in house seperation as a way to transition to divorce until everything is settled. These two couples just went out and lived their lives (once they got past the initial shock) and while there was threats of divorce, neither one of them actually moved forward on it (Couple 1 H is an attorney BTW).

 

As far as speaking to the OM. Not sure what that would accomplish since he is not married. It will make you look weak to him and your W. I spoke to the OM only because he was married and had leverage to tell his wife. I eventually did and exposed it to his wife. My W's family also knows. It certainly had a major impact on changing the dynamics of the affair now that it was out in the open. After my W's A ended she later told me that the A wasn't the same after exposure and it definately impacted the intensity of the A and made her feel more and more guilty and took the luster off. She continued persuing the A because she became addicted to that "feeling" but it died. She still has feelings for the OM but they are slowly eroding. She no longer refers to him as her soulmate and is slowly defogging. She is now finding herself in Hell for what she did to everyone around her and what she did to herself.

 

Sorry I got off track there

 

The problem with affair fog is that the unfaithful spouse doesn't view it as a fog, because their feelings are their feelings. My W said she never had feelings before like the one she had with the OM. Duh!! You never had an affair either. So much goes on inside affairs that have little to do with the OM.

[Kic]

I suggest resisting the temptation of low contact, even when living together. Try to make it as NC as possible. Here are some common mistakes that I've seen and some I've done myself:

 

1. Try to sleep in separate beds (this failure is apparently very common). Avoid sex unless the person at fault has made the appropriate changes, or you feel that sex will help motivate them to make those changes (if you do it and nothing changes, one of you will feel used).

 

2. Separate bills and assets that are still shared, or make the overall expenses as equitable as possible otherwise.

 

3. Do not eat together. Each person should cook and shop for themselves only.

 

4. Ensure that your activities and hobbies are in separate rooms. Close the door behind you. Separate bathrooms if you have two are a good idea.

 

5. Treat assets to be separated as separate. Usually one gets the house while the other gets the car plus other things per the separation agreement. Stop using the car if it is not yours, or use it minimally. The other spouse should stop furnishing or altering the house if it will not be theirs after the divorce. If you have the house and are paying utilities, then have the other person pay other expenses to balance it out (and help them feel the pain of this if they had not felt it before).

 

6. Continue to do your share of the chores. You may want to do slightly more than your share or chores that you do not normally do with your new free time to show that you can be independent and responsible.

 

7. Under legal separation, you are still married and are not supposed to have sex with other people. For some situations, even dating may be inappropriate (floridapad's examples above are good exceptions as they involved affairs). Anything serious that you do with someone else before the divorce is final should be viewed by yourself and others as a pathetic rebound action.

 

If you ignore these things, you are not benefiting from the point of the separation: for both of you to get a clear picture on what it is like to live on your own.

 

I may add more to the list above should they occur to me later.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Kic

[confusedinky]

Thanks all very good advice... FP your stories give me some hope! I am convinced that we will not be able to move past this while it's still a mystery to her family. I think I am going to have the talk next week, we are supposed to go to her families for an early holiday, think I may exposed my knowledge that they are still in contact and suggest she take the kids to see her family while I move into the other part of the house. Also suggesting it may be a good time to be honest with her family about what's really going on, because if they ask me I am going to tell them (not going to call or push it but if asked I am done covering up for her). Not excusing her affair but I do know I need time to work on myself too, I am waiting on results to see if I have adult ADD (will know next week), been doing a lot of research on the disorder and can see how it would lead a spouse to think the other doesn't care about them.

Edited December 9, 2009 by confusedinky

[floridapad]

Confused. I'm glad the stories gave you hope because they give me hope but the REAL resaon I posted them was for the lessons learned. I found the common thread for eventual unification was:

 

1) stayed seperated in the same house.

2) The W had to bring the A to an end on her own (can you handle that. Perhaps the A will lead to her leaving completely)).

3) Here is the kicker and the SINGLE most important thing...The H's finally GAVE UP on the marriage and went out into the world and started dating and started getting themselves back and their happiness W/O their wives. The H was in a position where they had their self esteem back, they felt that they saw what was out in the world and decided what they had in their W was better. This is the most important thing. Drop your hope for reconciliation. You can not sit around hoping for something that make not ever happen. See where I'm coming from?

4) None of them began divorce preceedings.

5) both had similar time frames after seperation 1.5 to 2 years.

[confusedinky]

FP points well taken... I do believe I am ready to get on with life and with her continued behavior don't know how are marriage can be saved. That being said my number one concern is my kids and I really don't want to uproot them too quickly and put too many changes on them at once. We are both considering a move back to our hometown (it's where the OM lives too so I am sure that's a reason for her) but it would be nice to get back near my folks and family as well... that being said the way the job market is right now we aren't going anywhere anytime soon and I'd rather not take a bath on the house right now. I really appreciate your insight, I know I need to focus on me right now.