I love her. She loves me. But, she wants to play around.

[Philetus]

I don't know how common this is becoming but here's the deal as succinctly as possible.

 

About a week ago, my wife informed me that she loved me, but was not 'in love' with me. We've been married for 20 monogamous (honestly) years and have two kids. As many couples, we focused on things other than our marriage. We didn't work it and have drifted apart. For this, I take 90% of the blame. I was a blind fool. I'd take 100% of the blame but my wife could have told me point blank she was unhappy but she tried to deal with it herself. I am completely in love with my wife and went immediately to work looking to long-term solutions to our 'drifting apart'.

 

What drove her to deal with this last week is that she has a dance teacher whom she has been casually flirting with. Well, he turned around and asked her out point blank and she agreed. She immediately came home and told me. She is wracked with all kinds of negative feelings and conflict between her head and her heart.

 

I agreed to let her go because she promised to tell him that no matter what, she would not do anything with him until she and I dealt with things. That's exactly what she did.

 

We spent this past weekend together and had a great time together, doing activities that we enjoy, we laughed, we talked, it was great.... until....

 

Last night, she announces that she has so much stress that she has to write about what's going on right now and leaves the room. (For the record, she's dropped a lot of weight quickly and has developed physical issues - her menstrual cycle is off and has a follow up with her doctor this week.)

 

In her letter, she hits me with this proposal....

 

She wants us to live together. Monday thru Saturday, we are basically roommates. Due to work, hobbies, our home, kids homework, we don't spend quality time together during the week anyway. Saturdays are usually full of groceries and other errands but Saturdays after supper were always for us, not anymore.

 

On Friday nights, she wants to be free to begin a sexual relationship with this man. A man she says that she has little in common with other than a physical attraction.

 

On Sundays, we would spend the entire day together from sunup to sundown. We would continue all the activities we love to do together and then we have sex at the end of the day.

 

Today she ordered a copy of "The Ethical Slut" and it looks like this is the kind of lifestyle she wants.

 

Today, I issued her three options. The option I want to choose depends on her response to these questions - 1) does she thinks we can reconcile at all, 2) how she will react when I have sex with other women, 3) how likely is it that she fall in love with his guy and leave me anyway, 4) and does she actually love me or is this 'Sunday' marriage thing just to let her stay in the house and avoid divorce.

 

The options are...

- we try her proposal with a professional to help us set it up with careful ground rules, including what happens if I can't handle it.

 

- we effectively separate but live together (we're currently in the middle of major home renovations and we can't afford for her to move out and selling our house isn't an option).

 

- we separate and she moves out and we deal with possible bankruptcy.

 

Here is my questions....

 

Am I insane for even CONSIDERING her proposal? I haven't read the "Ethical Slut" but she ordered it this morning.

 

Am I just opening myself up to an incredible world of hurt by entertaining this? Should I, as I'm leaning, just take control of my emotions and the situation and end it right now? Don't do anything until we see a professional?

 

Oh, we are seeing a counselor but not until Wednesday.

 

Thanks!

[Philetus]

Mods, please move to the 'infidelity' forum.

 

Thank you.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree, it belongs in Infidelity.

 

In the meantime: yeah, I think you're crazy for entertaining her proposal. I'd opt for divorce and utter financial ruin in a heartbeat over agreeing to this insanity. Stay in marriage where my wife is an "Ethical Slut" while I get to be the "Begging-for-Crumbs Cuckold"? Thanks, but no.

 

Any kids?

[GorillaTheater]

Any kids?

 

Nevermind, I see it now. How old are they?

 

And for God's sake stop shouldering the blame for this. At worst, you may be a chump. But it's not too late to change THAT sh*t.

[Philetus]

Nevermind, I see it now. How old are they?

 

And for God's sake stop shouldering the blame for this. At worst, you may be a chump. But it's not too late to change THAT sh*t.

 

 

Yes, our kids are 12 and 15. They're terrific and I've got to put them first.

 

I have been making excuses for her. If she was so damn unhappy, she should have said something sooner. I can't accept this lunacy.

 

If I play hardball (tell her if she does this, she has to move out), while at the same time moving ahead with my own life (appearing calm and confident, seeing people, continuing with my life) - is that the best strategy?

 

My ultimate goal is to have her back. She hasn't 'done' anything yet.

[waltham781]

Pure opinion here, but she has been thinking this for a while. Woman style, like for several years slowing putting it together.

 

When did she start taking dance lessons? Are there other outside activites she has recently taken interest in? More importantly, if she has these things outside of the home what are YOU doing to also keep yourself interesting?

 

The good news is that within 6-8 months, she is going to be totally 100% disgusted with the dance man. They have so little in common and she'll fret over "having to start all over again"

 

The options as presented basically say to me take it or leave it. She's out of her mind drafting that up, so any divorce now would be pure insanity.

 

BIG observation here as well. If you love her as much as you say you do, and this is something that will make her happy, then you owe her a duty to try and understand. This is what she is hoping you will do but has almost 100% doubt that you will. Shock her and let it fly.

 

(also be clear that you can open up the hunt for yourself )

.

[Philetus]

Pure opinion here, but she has been thinking this for a while. Woman style, like for several years slowing putting it together.

 

When did she start taking dance lessons? Are there other outside activites she has recently taken interest in? More importantly, if she has these things outside of the home what are YOU doing to also keep yourself interesting?

 

The good news is that within 6-8 months, she is going to be totally 100% disgusted with the dance man. They have so little in common and she'll fret over "having to start all over again"

 

The options as presented basically say to me take it or leave it. She's out of her mind drafting that up, so any divorce now would be pure insanity.

 

BIG observation here as well. If you love her as much as you say you do, and this is something that will make her happy, then you owe her a duty to try and understand. This is what she is hoping you will do but has almost 100% doubt that you will. Shock her and let it fly.

 

(also be clear that you can open up the hunt for yourself )

.

 

 

I'm sure the feelings that 'there is something wrong' with our marriage is not new. They would go back a year at least, and I'm sure it's longer. We have a special needs kid, a house undergoing renovations, and each has a stressful job. All things that hurt our chances of creating intimacy and time for each other.

 

She started dancing two years ago. I'm out about two nights a week with my job - and when our kids were younger it was a good diversion. She needed that, too. Some time to do things for herself. My thing is martial arts. She tried it but hated the sparring.

 

That's how I'm leaning right now. Saying that she can work with me to solve our issues and I'll put myself into them 100%. Otherwise, she can be with this man and move out of the house - and all that that entails. She can introduce polyamory with him!

 

I do try to understand her desire to seek sex with other people. If I had a guarantee she'd try it for a short time, and come back, I MIGHT be able to do it. But, I know I will either freak out completely, or she'll fall in love with this guy, or some other.

 

He can romance her from scratch. She isn't renovating a house with him. She isn't raising two teenagers with him. He's new and exciting. It's hard to compete with that.

[eeyore1981]

I'm sure the feelings that 'there is something wrong' with our marriage is not new. They would go back a year at least, and I'm sure it's longer. We have a special needs kid, a house undergoing renovations, and each has a stressful job. All things that hurt our chances of creating intimacy and time for each other.

 

She started dancing two years ago. I'm out about two nights a week with my job - and when our kids were younger it was a good diversion. She needed that, too. Some time to do things for herself. My thing is martial arts. She tried it but hated the sparring.

 

That's how I'm leaning right now. Saying that she can work with me to solve our issues and I'll put myself into them 100%. Otherwise, she can be with this man and move out of the house - and all that that entails. She can introduce polyamory with him!

 

I do try to understand her desire to seek sex with other people. If I had a guarantee she'd try it for a short time, and come back, I MIGHT be able to do it. But, I know I will either freak out completely, or she'll fall in love with this guy, or some other.

 

He can romance her from scratch. She isn't renovating a house with him. She isn't raising two teenagers with him. He's new and exciting. It's hard to compete with that.

 

I will never understand the craziness of others, and I'm referring to your wife, not you.

 

If she decided to leave to be with this OM, and a few days/weeks/months down the road decided she made a mistake, would you be able to take her back? If you feel in any way you might not be able to, I would make that very clear to her.

 

If you decide to go along with this arrangement, I suggest you make it non-negotiable that you are allowed to line up your other sex partner before she gets to go off with the dance instructor. That way you both start out on even footing. Plus, it's one thing to go out screwing another guy while your husband is sitting at home with the kids, it is another thing entirely to know your husband is out getting a little on the side, too.

 

I'm a total hypocrite for saying this, but your best move, least amount of drama, very painful yet least long-term painful is to hand her her suitcase, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her this is unacceptable, have a nice life, and then let the door hit her on the ass on the way out.

[quankanne]

there are no grey areas when it comes to fidelity in a relationship: Either you are committed or you're not. If you plan to f**k around, it's "not."

 

it's as simple as that.

 

as for the "not in love" BS she's giving you? Uh ... relationships go through their peaks and valleys, and ideally you choose to weather them together because you BOTH have a vested interest in making that relationship succeed.

 

maybe it's time to tell her if she's not interested in committing herself to a monogamous relationship with you, she needs to get the hell out, because you're not going to be her back-up plan. Because what she's proposing is rude, inconsiderate and selfish.

 

there are no grey areas when it comes to fidelity, period.

[Philetus]

If she decided to leave to be with this OM, and a few days/weeks/months down the road decided she made a mistake, would you be able to take her back? If you feel in any way you might not be able to, I would make that very clear to her.

 

If you decide to go along with this arrangement, I suggest you make it non-negotiable that you are allowed to line up your other sex partner before she gets to go off with the dance instructor. That way you both start out on even footing. Plus, it's one thing to go out screwing another guy while your husband is sitting at home with the kids, it is another thing entirely to know your husband is out getting a little on the side, too.

 

I'm a total hypocrite for saying this, but your best move, least amount of drama, very painful yet least long-term painful is to hand her her suitcase, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her this is unacceptable, have a nice life, and then let the door hit her on the ass on the way out.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm going to make it extremely clear that this is a one-way decision for her. I haven't been pressuring her too much because this really is playing hell with her health, but being clear will likely help.

 

We're seeing a counselor on Wednesday. I'm sure the issue of the 'open marriage' will come up. I still don't think I can do it but if it happens, I'll do it as you suggest. It's a great idea.

 

Yes, I agree about my best course. Here's a recap of what I've written to her... what do you think?

 

- I'm 100% committed to fixing our relationship and working with you through therapy.

 

- if we can't make it work, we move on.

 

- I won't accept 'open relationship'

 

- I've made changes to work to be home more for our CHILDREN and to be available for you. Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

 

- I'm not the only one to blame for the way our marriage wound up.

 

- If you can't commit to working on this and MUST see this man, pack your bags and leave. Tell your kids what you're doing. We will sell our house. Our relationship is irrevocably over and I will look for someone else to be a life partner. I will pursue a divorce.

 

- Until such time as you move out and/or see this man, I will go to therapy, spend quality time working out our relationship, give you as much space as you need to think clearly, change sleeping arrangements. Basically, anything you need except sex with this dude.

 

- Finally, if you're goal is to have sex with him and keep your life together. Then the best approach is to work with me FIRST. If we cannot solve our differences, we split amicably and THEN you have your affair. If this passion is strong, it should endure. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by acting on this.

[Philetus]

there are no grey areas when it comes to fidelity in a relationship: Either you are committed or you're not. If you plan to f**k around, it's "not."

 

it's as simple as that.

 

as for the "not in love" BS she's giving you? Uh ... relationships go through their peaks and valleys, and ideally you choose to weather them together because you BOTH have a vested interest in making that relationship succeed.

 

maybe it's time to tell her if she's not interested in committing herself to a monogamous relationship with you, she needs to get the hell out, because you're not going to be her back-up plan. Because what she's proposing is rude, inconsiderate and selfish.

 

there are no grey areas when it comes to fidelity, period.

 

I agree. I've never been unfaithful, nor had any strong desire, too.

[mark982]

you'd be a fool to except this. she wants her cake and eat it to. gee that's awful nice of her to offer you sex the next day! hope you stand by what you last post says.

[GorillaTheater]

If I play hardball (tell her if she does this, she has to move out), while at the same time moving ahead with my own life (appearing calm and confident, seeing people, continuing with my life) - is that the best strategy?

 

Throw in a divorce and I think you have a plan. I know this hurts to hear, but there's an awfully good chance this thing with your wife has already gone physical.

[eeyore1981]

Thank you.

 

I'm going to make it extremely clear that this is a one-way decision for her. I haven't been pressuring her too much because this really is playing hell with her health, but being clear will likely help.

 

We're seeing a counselor on Wednesday. I'm sure the issue of the 'open marriage' will come up. I still don't think I can do it but if it happens, I'll do it as you suggest. It's a great idea.

 

Yes, I agree about my best course. Here's a recap of what I've written to her... what do you think?

 

- I'm 100% committed to fixing our relationship and working with you through therapy.

 

- if we can't make it work, we move on.

 

- I won't accept 'open relationship'

 

- I've made changes to work to be home more for our CHILDREN and to be available for you. Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

 

- I'm not the only one to blame for the way our marriage wound up.

 

- If you can't commit to working on this and MUST see this man, pack your bags and leave. Tell your kids what you're doing. We will sell our house. Our relationship is irrevocably over and I will look for someone else to be a life partner. I will pursue a divorce.

 

- Until such time as you move out and/or see this man, I will go to therapy, spend quality time working out our relationship, give you as much space as you need to think clearly, change sleeping arrangements. Basically, anything you need except sex with this dude.

 

- Finally, if you're goal is to have sex with him and keep your life together. Then the best approach is to work with me FIRST. If we cannot solve our differences, we split amicably and THEN you have your affair. If this passion is strong, it should endure. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by acting on this.

 

This all sounds really good. Just make sure, for your own sake, you are willing to follow through on what you say.

 

Also, on the therapy, my experience has been the first visit is a 'get to know you' kind of thing. You may be asked to fill out questionaires, and that kind of thing. If that looks like how it is going to go, you might want to explain to the therapist your marriage is in crisis right now, and you can fill out the stuff and deal with it in session 2.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Philetus]

you'd be a fool to except this. she wants her cake and eat it to. gee that's awful nice of her to offer you sex the next day! hope you stand by what you last post says.

 

Yes, the letter is written and I stand by what I say.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[Philetus]

This all sounds really good. Just make sure, for your own sake, you are willing to follow through on what you say.

 

Also, on the therapy, my experience has been the first visit is a 'get to know you' kind of thing. You may be asked to fill out questionaires, and that kind of thing. If that looks like how it is going to go, you might want to explain to the therapist your marriage is in crisis right now, and you can fill out the stuff and deal with it in session 2.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Yes, I have to follow through. I know that even if I did all this crazy ****, she'd 90% just leave me anyway (not to mention what this would do to our kids.)

 

Thanks for the advice on the therapy. I will walk in saying we have a crisis - NOW.

[Philetus]

Throw in a divorce and I think you have a plan. I know this hurts to hear, but there's an awfully good chance this thing with your wife has already gone physical.

 

In which case, all of this will be pointless.

 

I'm going to continue with hope, until I see none.

[GorillaTheater]

- I'm 100% committed to fixing our relationship and working with you through therapy.

 

- if we can't make it work, we move on.

 

- I won't accept 'open relationship'

 

- I've made changes to work to be home more for our CHILDREN and to be available for you. Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

 

- I'm not the only one to blame for the way our marriage wound up.

 

- If you can't commit to working on this and MUST see this man, pack your bags and leave. Tell your kids what you're doing. We will sell our house. Our relationship is irrevocably over and I will look for someone else to be a life partner. I will pursue a divorce.

 

- Until such time as you move out and/or see this man, I will go to therapy, spend quality time working out our relationship, give you as much space as you need to think clearly, change sleeping arrangements. Basically, anything you need except sex with this dude.

 

- Finally, if you're goal is to have sex with him and keep your life together. Then the best approach is to work with me FIRST. If we cannot solve our differences, we split amicably and THEN you have your affair. If this passion is strong, it should endure. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by acting on this.

 

Good stuff, I can't suggest any changes.

 

But man, Phil, I hope you'll pardon the observation that you went pretty quickly from moping and actually considering your wife's "modest proposal" to a position of articulate strength. I'm curious as to what that's all about. Don't take this as an attack, please, I'm just honestly curious.

[Philetus]

Good stuff, I can't suggest any changes.

 

But man, Phil, I hope you'll pardon the observation that you went pretty quickly from moping and actually considering your wife's "modest proposal" to a position of articulate strength. I'm curious as to what that's all about. Don't take this as an attack, please, I'm just honestly curious.

 

 

Oh, I don't think it's an attack. You're right, it was a quick change for you. But, for me, I've been going over these scenarios in my mind for days.

 

Part of the reason I considered her 'modest proposal' was because most of this came on me a piece at a time. First it was, "I don't know what I think of this man" and, "I can't see us having an open relationship" to, "I want to be with him and not in a platonic way" and "Let's get The Ethical Slut". It didn't happen all at once.

 

Everyday has brought a new layer of information from her and I've scrambled to keep up. The first things didn't seem too bad, especially since I took the lion share of the blame for her current feelings for me. I am not blameless and didn't do enough work on our marriage.

 

Last night, as I was up until four am, I came up with three scenarios - accept her proposal, reject it and we live as 'roommates', divorce. The only one I rejected was the 'divorce' scenario because it will leave us in great trouble financially. We are in the middle of a lengthy renovation that is taxing us.

 

However, the first two scenarios had parts of them I couldn't stomach but thought I was going to have to live with. When I began to get behind the idea that I could 'lay down the law' and that it may actually SAVE our marriage. It was easy to get behind the advice you are all giving me.

 

Does that make any sense?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Why are you taking 90% of the blame? You give little insight, yet have accepted the blame. And in the title of the post is you state "She Loves Me"????? You really need to screw your head on straight if you think that is true considering what she is saying.......

 

Pack her bags, put them by the front door and tell her to enjoy her "dance teacher"..... I am sure you'll find solace at the dojo when you tell your story.

 

Now the question will be how you react and what you'll do when she begs to come home?

Edited December 8, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[seibert253]

Thank you.

 

I'm going to make it extremely clear that this is a one-way decision for her. I haven't been pressuring her too much because this really is playing hell with her health, but being clear will likely help.

 

We're seeing a counselor on Wednesday. I'm sure the issue of the 'open marriage' will come up. I still don't think I can do it but if it happens, I'll do it as you suggest. It's a great idea.

 

Yes, I agree about my best course. Here's a recap of what I've written to her... what do you think?

 

- I'm 100% committed to fixing our relationship and working with you through therapy.

 

- if we can't make it work, we move on.

 

- I won't accept 'open relationship'

 

- I've made changes to work to be home more for our CHILDREN and to be available for you. Also, I've taken steps to move on with my life romantically if you leave.

 

- I'm not the only one to blame for the way our marriage wound up.

 

- If you can't commit to working on this and MUST see this man, pack your bags and leave. Tell your kids what you're doing. We will sell our house. Our relationship is irrevocably over and I will look for someone else to be a life partner. I will pursue a divorce.

 

- Until such time as you move out and/or see this man, I will go to therapy, spend quality time working out our relationship, give you as much space as you need to think clearly, change sleeping arrangements. Basically, anything you need except sex with this dude.

 

- Finally, if you're goal is to have sex with him and keep your life together. Then the best approach is to work with me FIRST. If we cannot solve our differences, we split amicably and THEN you have your affair. If this passion is strong, it should endure. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by acting on this.

 

Absolutely perfect.

No one else can give you better advice than this.

Best of luck.

Keep us posted

[Holding-On]

Most of the opinions (and they are that, opinions) you have gotten so far have been very one sided and, mostly, pretty stark. Get a divorce. Leave her ass.

 

You may want to read some Michelle Langley. This can give you some insight as to how she is behaving.

 

 

I will say that as a counterbalance your wife did not - as far as we know yet - go out and have an affair. She has kept you somewhat abreast of what is going on. To me this is not infidelity.

 

This is her realizing that a monogamous longterm relationship can really suck.

 

It is very fair that you yourself are monogamous and do not want to be in a non-monogamous relationship. However, I disagree with the others.

 

Is she trying to have her cake and eat it too? yes.

Is she trying to make it so that she can stay with you? yes.

 

Honestly I think she is trying to make it all work out for everyone.

That probably is not possible but she is giving you a choice.

She did not go to individual counseling, figure out that she is poly and present you with divorce papers, done deal.

 

I think she is trying to communicate with you and be honest.

Sometimes that means admitting to being a sexual and selfish being.

 

 

You HAVE choices.

 

You can tell her you don't want this at all. That you do not want to read the Ethical Slut, that you do not want to have sex with other women.

Then you can give her a choice.

But I see no reason to be mean, to assume the worst of her.

If she had wanted an affair she could have.

Notice that she did not come to you and say. "I have f**ked so and so. You can deal with it or not."

She is looking for your permission, for you to go on this journey with her.

You DON'T have to but you don't have to paint your wife as a monster either.

 

Approach her as a human being. Go to counseling together. Go to polyamorous websites (they will tell your wife to cool it, to go MUCH slower, to respect your choice to be monogamous)

 

 

 

I am IN an open marriage. So I see things from the other side.

I did not start out monogamous, but many did.

[2sunny]

Most of the opinions (and they are that, opinions) you have gotten so far have been very one sided and, mostly, pretty stark. Get a divorce. Leave her ass.

 

You may want to read some Michelle Langley. This can give you some insight as to how she is behaving.

 

 

I will say that as a counterbalance your wife did not - as far as we know yet - go out and have an affair. She has kept you somewhat abreast of what is going on. To me this is not infidelity.

 

This is her realizing that a monogamous longterm relationship can really suck.

 

It is very fair that you yourself are monogamous and do not want to be in a non-monogamous relationship. However, I disagree with the others.

 

Is she trying to have her cake and eat it too? yes.

Is she trying to make it so that she can stay with you? yes.

 

Honestly I think she is trying to make it all work out for everyone.

That probably is not possible but she is giving you a choice.

She did not go to individual counseling, figure out that she is poly and present you with divorce papers, done deal.

 

I think she is trying to communicate with you and be honest.

Sometimes that means admitting to being a sexual and selfish being.

 

 

You HAVE choices.

 

You can tell her you don't want this at all. That you do not want to read the Ethical Slut, that you do not want to have sex with other women.

Then you can give her a choice.

But I see no reason to be mean, to assume the worst of her.

If she had wanted an affair she could have.

Notice that she did not come to you and say. "I have f**ked so and so. You can deal with it or not."

She is looking for your permission, for you to go on this journey with her.

You DON'T have to but you don't have to paint your wife as a monster either.

 

Approach her as a human being. Go to counseling together. Go to polyamorous websites (they will tell your wife to cool it, to go MUCH slower, to respect your choice to be monogamous)

 

 

 

I am IN an open marriage. So I see things from the other side.

I did not start out monogamous, but many did.

 

from what i can gather - it is NOT his first choice to share his wife. HE is allowed to have a boundary which HE abides by... for his own happiness and sanity. if his wife chooses a different path, so be it, it may not include him at this juncture.

 

i think OP's attitude and approach is amazingly strong. i think the letter to his W is spot on for what he has outlined as his perspective and wants, needs, desires in this case.

 

as far as a book "the ethical slut" what man would really want to refer to his W as a slut - and why would she be proud of this? seriously, i really wonder if she's already been fishing in that pond for a while and is just now willing to be up front about what her true desires are.

[mem11363]

P,

Have you been ignoring her physically/sexually?

 

Is the big issue that she has been telling you she wants more passion and you maybe haven't made it a priority?

 

Because that is the one reason a man would shoulder as much blame as you. Not every man has a higher drive then their wife. And when life gets busy some men get distracted.

 

If this isn't the case, then why are you bearing 90 percent of the blame?

 

 

Oh, I don't think it's an attack. You're right, it was a quick change for you. But, for me, I've been going over these scenarios in my mind for days.

 

Part of the reason I considered her 'modest proposal' was because most of this came on me a piece at a time. First it was, "I don't know what I think of this man" and, "I can't see us having an open relationship" to, "I want to be with him and not in a platonic way" and "Let's get The Ethical Slut". It didn't happen all at once.

 

Everyday has brought a new layer of information from her and I've scrambled to keep up. The first things didn't seem too bad, especially since I took the lion share of the blame for her current feelings for me. I am not blameless and didn't do enough work on our marriage.

 

Last night, as I was up until four am, I came up with three scenarios - accept her proposal, reject it and we live as 'roommates', divorce. The only one I rejected was the 'divorce' scenario because it will leave us in great trouble financially. We are in the middle of a lengthy renovation that is taxing us.

 

However, the first two scenarios had parts of them I couldn't stomach but thought I was going to have to live with. When I began to get behind the idea that I could 'lay down the law' and that it may actually SAVE our marriage. It was easy to get behind the advice you are all giving me.

 

Does that make any sense?

[Philetus]

Why are you taking 90% of the blame? You give little insight, yet have accepted the blame. And in the title of the post is you state "She Loves Me"????? You really need to screw your head on straight if you think that is true considering what she is saying.......

 

Pack her bags, put them by the front door and tell her to enjoy her "dance teacher"..... I am sure you'll find solace at the dojo when you tell your story.

 

Now the question will be how you react and what you'll do when she begs to come home?

 

I take 90% of the blame because I'm the one who got distracted. We both are responsible for giving up 'us' time to deal with life issues - work, kids, house, etc. But, she woke up to this sooner than I did and (afraid of hurting me) didn't come out and say bluntly "I'm not in love with you anymore". But, she did say and do other things - she kept looking for activities that we could do together.

 

For example, we took a swing dance class (her idea). The problem was you had to keep switching partners, we hated it. Other things she suggested, I shot down or didn't work for other reasons. She did say something close to, "I feel like we're just partners in raising our kids".

 

So, the clues were there. They were huge. And I was too stupid, selfish, and/or lazy to see them.

 

This is why I take the lion's share of the blame - but not all of it.

 

I know it's hard to get a balanced view of my wife through what I've posted. You're seeing the worst of her. All I can say is that you have to take my word for it. She loves me! She hasn't not had a physical affair. It may be bordering on emotional, but because she's been open and honest with me, I don't consider she's 'done' anything wrong. And isn't it my opinion that matters on that?

 

She has a clearer idea of the repercussions of her actions but I have to restate it again. Again... my wife is physically quite ill from the stress. Her menstrual cycle is completely screwed up, she's losing a lot of weight, and my wife is not one who can stand to lose much (she's been dancing four times a week for two years, she's in amazing shape.)

 

I told her that if she had an affair, we were over and I would immediately begin divorce proceedings. I told her that she would have to move out. She interpreted that to mean she could live in our basement apartment. I have to be clearer with her because it means I can't be around her. I can't run into her casually several times a week.