Author TDFYC312 Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 MMd How long have you been fighting this or how long did it take for you to wish he felt the way I do? Did he move out? I do want to try and she knows it but can't tell if she wants to or not. I can't get her to say anything except last thing she said was that there was nothing to fix just accept each other as we are. Did you feel this way? Does it improve?
mimidarlin Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 We've had troubles off and on for three years. They improved some but have gone downhill. Three years ago--At first I was all blame, blame. you don't do this or you said that. I was hysterical and in a deep depression. How would I support myself...how could I survive without him. In the summer of 2008 he found a credit card bill. He didn't know about the card and I had let it run high. I had a deep dread that he would leave then but he was willing to stay for a few months before rushing away. Then my father got sick. During the last year I focused only on caring for my father and trying to help keep him alive. My husband was so supportive...never any questions about having to fly and rent hotels. It was expensive...but it was important. Fast forward...My father passed, other man who was like a father to me passed....I'm scared and hurting. When I caught him with the other woman I was in shock though I knew something was wrong. He was so distant. He didn't ask for a divorce right away but wanted to move out. It took about two week for him to find a place and I kinda pushed him to do it. I keep saying the mantra...if you love him set him free...if he loves you he will return. I want him in my life but I don't need him in my life. I can support myself financially. I paid off my card all on my own and cleaned up my credit. Almost perfect credit now. I am able to contribute to household costs in a more equitable manner but I'm trying to draw a clear line. I want to give him the freedom and hope he misses me. The affair was a huge wake up call for both of us. In some ways it broke the ice of things we were ignoring. Wanting him to work on our marriage was immediate for me. There is so much that I love and respect about him. Many things are lacking though. It centers around an emotional connection. The affair made me feel free to not be on perfect behavior in case he leaves. I'm more vocal, angry and sometimes just irrational. However, at this moment I want him back so I try to temper any explosions. It is so hard to not keep bringing the affair up. Sometimes I feel bitter and nasty and make comments. This isn't helping anything. It made him angry and defensive. I backed off and apologized. I had wanted to convey the depth of my pain. I think you need to move out so that you can breath, think and get counseling. Hopefully she will go to counseling on her own and with you. Your marriage will not survive in the long run if you can't work through why this happened. I'm learning that I can't keep bringing it up or I will kill any chance of reconciliation. He has apologized. They don't have contact. Now we have to work on us. That means digging through the past but trying to leave it there once we understand it. Letting stuff go has been my biggest challenge in life. Moving on and not holding grudges. I'm not great at it but I'm aware that it is a challenge and I work on it. I know she is hurt but she is lucky that you are aware of your screw up and want to work on things. Maybe she is using this as an excuse to get out because she isn't happy but wants to play the victim. Enough is enough. Move out. Write her a letter stating your feelings and wishes. Establish your standards...counseling.
dgiirl Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Before you give up and move out, go to counseling!! Even if it's alone, she might become curious after a few sessions and tag along. From your wife's POV, she caught you cheating and all you have done so far is apologize for it. You had promised to add her name to your assets long time ago and never did that (until very recently?) and you haven't done much of anything else (as she's too angry to let you). You simply cannot be trusted. You need to go to counseling! Even if she's angry about that, she's not giving you much of a choice. She's trying to push you away to see if you really do want to stay in the marriage. And the abuse is destroying the love you both have. Start doing something! Prove to her you have learned your lesson and the affair will never happen again. She will never trust you until you completely understand the why and how you cheated on her and how to prevent that situation from arising again. And she will never ever trust you until you actually get how much pain you caused her. I mean truly get how much pain you caused. The first time you cheated, you can use the excuse "I did not realize it was going to happen". But if you truly get how much pain you caused her, and if it happens again, she'll know for sure you did it with complete full knowledge and a conscious decision that it destroyed her. Go to counseling! Even if it's alone!
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