PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Okay so basically she'll be well off if she does decide to leave you. Chances are she won't! I wouldn't change anything under her name either. And don't forget you would have to pay child support on top of everything else. Money has nothing to really do with anything at this point but its just something she's trying to use as a precaution only. Basically she's saying if you ever do this to me again..I will take you to the cleaners. Mind you..either way she's going to be pissed that your NOT putting her name under anymore assets either..as in her mind she's thinking..maybe he does want to screw around on me again. Sheesh this one is difficult indeed. I would only suggest treating her in the best way possibly..and try to rekindle what you lost in that short amount of time that you strayed. She needs to be reassured again..and time can only heal. Never put anything in her face about it either..and don't argue with her..even if you are right. She needs to feel that your true intentions are for her and the family only. Why not plan a vacation with her ALONE and give it to her as a Christmas gift? I would just put all efforts into her and the family only. Anything you do wrong at this point will only set her off even more. If she keeps mentioning all this...all you have to say is we need to work on things first.
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Thanks PP for the advice however W informs me tonight that we have no foundation since I did not sign over everything and she is going the divorce route which I felt she was going anyway. She has tried to get me to go to OW seems like every other day since this occurred despite any and everything I had said. I cannot convince her that I only want to be with her and she will not listen to anything other than what is in her head. I have beat my head against the wall for 5 months and endured all of her abuse and I mean ABUSE with capitals, Its the kind of abuse I don't think would come out of someone who supposedly loved you. So I don't think I will have the opportunity to treat her like I want too or to rekindle anything. I have tried to work on things and have tried to get her to acknowledge that we need to work on things but to no avail. I know that we could make this work and have a great marriage but unfortunately I am the only one saying that so it is to no avail and I will soon be posting about my STBX. That is life and that really stinks
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 bueng1 she had maybe 10% before as to what is in her name now although it seems that is not enough. She has said that she has talked to a lawyer but I do not know if I believe her. She says things that don't agree with current laws and either she doesn't know or she has BAD representation. I'm inclined to lean on her statement that she has talked to a lawyer and leave it at that. Unfortunately she has decided to go the big D route so we will have to see how it shakes out. That's life and its ugly sometimes especially with her
Rued1 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Sorry for you man Edited December 10, 2009 by Rued1
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Last thing she said to me last night was that she could not be with someone who has no conscience because of the way that I treated the OW and then dumped her to save the marriage. WTF I can't win for losing here!
BUENG1 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Last thing she said to me last night was that she could not be with someone who has no conscience because of the way that I treated the OW and then dumped her to save the marriage. WTF I can't win for losing here! You need to see your own lawyer and make sure she doesn't clean out any joint accounts you have.
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 10-4 have resisted moving the monies around as a sign of good faith. If I did that it would be jumping into the life raft and watching the ship (M) go down. I probably should wake up
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I didn't realize this happened quite awhile ago! Well what more can you possible do at this point. By putting her name under assets it's not going to change her mind. Its sad that she's shut down from you at this point. And as much as I know that you are totally to blame for this..she could've at least tried to seek professional help. How about you? Why not seek some help yourself? Sorry to hear that things are in a rough spot for you. Maybe you should move out for a bit till she gets her mind in order. Maybe only then she will see what shes going to miss.
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Thanks PP I don't know what to do either the more I do the worse it gets and now she doesn't want me to do anything for her. Does not want any christmas presents from me nothing. Refuses any counseling or even the thought of it. I think I need some kind of help just to survive this but have not taken that step yet. The problem with moving out is I feel if I do that all of this is over. She will also accuse me of going back to OW . She has gone out of town this weekend maybe that will help sort things out
curiou Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Ouch! That sucks you had an affair. If you are committed to staying together, I hope both of you can work on the issues that led to the affair. Usually, both partners contributed in some way to it. from a financial standpoint, you really shouldn't have to sign over anything that belonged to you prior to the marriage. I'd stay firm on this. No matter how much "justice" people things she deserves, it's not a license to divest you of half of your premarital assets. Instead, ask for forgiveness and stand proud. Work on both of your issues. Become the best husband you can be, without overdoing it. You have the rest of your life to make it up to her, and if she works through issues she may have had leading to the affair she will forgive you in a reasonable amount of time. If not, then it will be YOU who asks for a divorce. you can only suffer for so long.
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Yes it does suck and so does the aftermath exponentially. I have asked for forgiveness many times but she is not ready yet. That is fine & she will take as much as she needs. What is a reasonable amount of time? Does anybody know here??? It is hard to stand proud after what I did and how I feel about W. The EA was immensely clarifying as to where I want to be and who I want to be with (W). Oh to go back seven months and start treating her then how she needs to be treated. If she would only let me now. I don't plan to ask for the D as I am totally committed to trying to get back to something resembling a marriage and working on our issues but it takes two. She may lump ship but I just hope she will come on board at some point. How much more $%#@ can be withstood? carhill what does OP mean?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Hey there..I was curious to know what ever happend to you and your wife after her weekend getaway? How are things holding up? Fill us in!!!
carhill Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 carhill what does OP mean? Sorry I missed this... OP = original post or original poster (the person who started the thread) Acceptance will help you.
Author TDFYC312 Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry guys I have been out of the loop but am still trying to reconcile w/ W. I can't seem to get her to move past the EA. She fought with daughter on her trip out of town so it wasn't good for her. We had Christmas and that turned out to be fairly good She actually bought me some nice and thoughtful gifts. However later she accused me of trying to contact the OW with a secret cell phone which is ludacris. This came out of no where & I have not contacted OW or even wanted to since I ended it. My focus is on getting the marriage back on track however the more I say that the less she hears seems like. Our arguments always go back to ( she directs them back to ) the EA and the things I said to OW. Nothing in the present matters. You dont know the absolute frustration I have with this. She has been trying to get me to leave the house off and on but more forcefully each time. She has thrown things around and hit me several times. I even signed over the bulk of things to be in both of our names to show her my commitment to us. This did not mean anything to her as she asked for a divorce two days later. Shes will not sleep in the same bed with me but I still kiss her good night and goodby in the morning except for this morning I just left the house. She got upset by this and called once I got to work and we fought for over an hour. She demanded I leave and when I refused she says that she and the kids will be gone when I get home. She has made these threats before but has not made good on any yet. I tried to get her to go to MC which she adamently refuses but I am going to try to keep at that assuming that she is still home when I get there. It might be a relief if she did leave although I do not want that I could maybe get some peace. She seems to thrive on making my life hell and I am getting beat down into a hole. I don't know what is going to happen am I crazy is she crazy???
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Theres no doubt in my mind that she still wants and loves you...but you've totally screwed her up emotionally. I'm sorry thats probably the last thing you want to hear..but shes an emotional wreck. I can feel her pain..and confusion where your concerned. She's just not totally sure your committed to her 100 percent anymore..and this can take a real long time for her to decide. She simply doesnt trust you..and she has all the right to feel that. If things do get so heated that you guys start getting physical maybe you should move out for a bit. I am more or less going through the same thing at home..yet I have no proof of him being with someone else. It eats me up inside and yet some days I just want to leave,...and others I can't imagine life without him. TOXIC is what it is. Can't win either way. I guess it just makes things all the harder when theres kids involved too. I'm sure if I didn't have any the decision would most likely be easier to deal with. Others may disagree but I think the situation is much more different when children are involved.
Author TDFYC312 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 PP Yes there is no doubt that I have screwed her up emotionally. I think that she needs help but I do not know how to get her to get any. Can she ever get over this? I don't know that she still wants to be with me other than the fact that she is still here. Her words and actions are geared towards getting me to leave. I don't know if she is trying to prove to herself that I truly want to be with her or if she is really just trying to get me to leave. She was still there when I got home the other day after she said she was leaving so we got to argue for a day and a half. We did make up for another day and a half and I thought we had made progress but the arguing started again. By the way I do not get physical but she does and did again. She seems to want to do and say anything to get me to leave the house. She said that she was going to look for another place to stay yesterday but she did not do that and we are still in this bad place. PP Would it be easier if kids were not involved? Yes if we just wanted to blow this off but my need and heartache here is for my wife. I don't want to be without her yet I don't know anymore how to prove to her that I want to be with her and her alone. She shoots down everything I do or say and she can't seem to move forward or make any progress towards forgiveness. I am convinced if I move out it would be over. Why does she try to get me to leave and threaten to leave herself but never does? TOXIC is right
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Well I'm not sure what the arguing is all about with you and your wife..but if it is in fact over the affair...damn you better keep your mouth shut!!!! You are more or less sticking the knife deeper if that is the case. Just give her time..and devote all you have to your kids..and home! I won't even say her at this point..cause you just messed her up real bad. Maybe if she sees you putting all this effort into these things maybe she'll soften up a bit. Thats all I can think of at this point..besides MC of course!
mimidarlin Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Well I'm the wife who got messed up "real bad". Part of me empathizes with your wife. I've felt like I am having a nervous breakdown. I want revenge. I want him to feel the deep emotional pain that I have felt. I lash out verbally...it's fear and anger. It isn't rational or logical. Unlike my husband you are certain that you want your marriage to get better. Everyone has been telling you to go to counseling but I can't deduce if you have acted on it yet. I was seeing a psychiatrist for depressive disorder before all hell broke lose in my life. I saw that train heading my way and I thought that it would knock me off the track forever...as in suicide. Anyway, the point is that the moment I was back talking to my doctor and taking action to get counseling for myself I felt empowered. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain but it helps to talk about it to others. Counseling seems essential for you. Reading your post makes me feel sad for you though I empathize with your wife. Your EA didn't happen in a vacuum. Stuff was going on that left you vulnerable or open to that option. Your wife's actions tell me that she knows this as well. Counseling is the only way to try and dig through this. My advice is that she has to go to counseling or the big D has to happen. You love her and want to work on the marriage. You admitted fault. what else can you do? I think you have to do the 180 actions and move on. Just be prepared for the consequences. It may call her bluff but it may end in divorce. I have this nagging feeling that she is trying to make you leave her so she can play the victim. By the way have you let her read your posts and our comments? I think your sincerity comes across very strongly.
Author TDFYC312 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 PP the arguing is always about the affair even after all this time She brings it up all the time and each time the exchanges get worse and more hurtful I guess because it becomes easier to do the more it is done. She says that I never talk to her but believe me I have tried to improve that. I told her several times I want to talk to you about anything but it always goes back to the affair which I am getting to the point I dont want to talk anymore about because there are no results or progress on her part. Hence it is tough to iniate any deep conversations at the moment. Yet if I don't talk about it she takes offense to that as well. Right now I am focusing on the home and kids and praying MMD I'm glad to get your perspective as I see all of those things in my wife. She wants me to feel her pain.I know from the years we have been married that she loves to play the victim. That has been kind of a struggle for me to deal with all along. She would benefit greatly from therapy for this and other issues that she has been dealing with but she adamently refuses. I think she is scared to confront the other things. I could probably stand it myself. She no longer wears her rings and threatens to have PA with other men to make my life a living hell. Tells me that she has a friend she is emailing and from what she describes I realize it has the markings of an EA whether she admits that or not. As it is right now we are not fighting but are just existing together. She does not response to my kisses but we sleep in the same bed and are cordial to each other during the day. Last monday she asked me when I was going to file for divorce so she could make plans and I said that I have not given up on us & she said we should accept each other for the faults we have and there was nothing more to work on and we should get back to living. I wish I knew if she wanted this to work or not. She will never say
Author TDFYC312 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 MMD I have not let her see any of these posts... I don't know if they would help her or not. I do know I appreciate the help and guidance from LS
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Honestly..I think you should go to some sort of counselling sessions and see if that helps and guides you in the right direction. Just seems like its an uphill battle at this point..and maybe she just needs time to clear her head and thoughts for the future. As stupid as you were for doing this to your wife...I also think you are being genuine with your wanting to fix things in your relationship. I somehow think something led you to this EA...and I really admire how hard your trying to make things right again. Just a question here...did you flat out tell her about the EA or was it found out?
Author TDFYC312 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 PP Unfortunately she found out about it but the way the EA was going it was going to be stopped because of the way OW was pushing to be together. I was never going to leave my W but it is impossible to convince W of any of that at this point. I try to figure out the why and all I can say is that I underlyingly did not feel appreciated & needed wanted more of my wife's attentions. It would have and would be so much better to have my wife's appreciation and attentions. Not to excuse anything I did there is no excuse for that & I know all I can do is learn for my mistakes and use them to hold myself to a higher standard and concentrate on the M and the W as much as she will let me maybe in the future? I'm still on the fence on MC as I feel if I go alone she will feel betrayed in some way.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Okay well that makes a lot of sense to me then. She's taking the whole "your not sorry about the affair but your sorry you got caught" route. Which I would have to take her side on that. Only time can tell what your up against. Keep trying but if you honestly think that she wasnt meeting your emotional needs prior to this...she may have already checked out of this relationship before the EA...and then being found..with an ex??? .DAMN...I don't want to say it...but it may take a miracle to get your wife back. I'm sorry your going through this...and I really cant tell you what you should or shouldnt do at this point. Relationships take a lot of work...and communication is key. My spouse has kinda shut down in his own little world for the last few months...so I can see what your going through as well. But at the same time..I really really do feel bad for your wife! Sorry but I'm not sure what to tell ya! Good Luck!
Author TDFYC312 Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 I know it may take a miracle I have prayed for one...anything and she is still here at least for now. I feel bad for my wife too and for what I created here. I know relationships take work and that communication is the key believe me I know ( this is probably to biggest instigator here ) and also know the extent I will go through to try to heal this whole thing if it is at all possible. Unfortunately there are no guidelines or directions only she can tell at this point but thanx for your help it is invaluable
mimidarlin Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 It helps me to read posts from cheaters who regret their weakness and want to make things better. But like everything in a relationship it takes two to tango. I desperately wish my husband felt the way you do. Today is our anniversary. We went out to dinner, we are cordial and I'm trying so hard to not play the "bitchy revenge" girl. I've felt the desire and images have crossed my mind but I want to respect myself. I think you may have to move out and go to no contact. If you have to file you may ask your lawyer about documenting these posts. You obviously want to try! She is in a place where she is open to that. As the dumpee or person cheated on I have force myself to give him space and work on trusting him. He says it's over and all of his behavior tells me it is. I have followed him or checked up on him at times. I actually threatened the other woman because she is married and I think her husband should know. It's so hard. Moving out would remove you as a trigger to those awful memories. We have to get past those to make a new life. I feel so betrayed and question if he is the man I thought he was. I idolized him. I thought he had such high moral standards. We've talked about this happening to people we know and how wrong it is to cheat. We would not do that....yadda yadda. She doesn't know who you are anymore. Maybe she doesn't know who she is either. Taking a break and moving forward with the divorce while keeping counseling open as an option. Free her so she can find her center again.
Recommended Posts