waltham781 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that for many on LS there are sevel key issues they want to resolve and work on in their marriages. Thus our reason for joining right? One issue with thinking through a problem is that it somehow morphs into THE only problem and that everything else gets tossed to the wayside. I am having a hard time getting over the lack of sexual compatability in my marriage. As a result, I am afriad I am neglecting other areas in my marriage where my wife is stellar, and that loops around through my wife and she resents me for not noticing. For me, I can't think of something else more frustrating that lacking the ability to emotionally connect with wife through making love. The door is closed. But, there is so much more to a marriage. Does anyone have a story that is complex and just seems to have no solution that doesn't have to deal with sex in the marriage? Like your spouse won't work, ignores the kids, has mental issues? Would love to hear about them, how you are working on their resolution and then see if I can learn more about how to deal with my own. Not looking for input on my own situation, just on how others recognize their issues and how they are working on them.
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 One issue in a marriage can seem all encompassing. It quickly becomes a cycle. He does something I don't like - I'm not as attracted to him - he gets mad because we don't have sex as much and does more of the thing I don't like. It doesn't have to start with him (I can already hear Tood saying why is it always the man's fault) I am just using that as an example. It's a circle and it really doesn't matter who started it, you both take part in it and either one can stop it at any time. With me and my husband it was his drinking and blatant laziness. He lost his job and with it his ambition and became a lazy drunk. It was miserable to be around and subsequently I became very unattracted to him. This caused an unspoken power struggle that went on for about a year. He wanted my respect and I wanted him to act respectable. Which comes first? I decided to that because I saw what was occuring that I was better equipped to initiate change. I armed myself with the knowledge of every relationship book I could get my hands on and quickly applied the necessary steps to making my marriage better. They all basically said the same thing which was give my husband respect regardless of whether or not I think he deserves it and it will motivate him to do better. It was hard at first because I thought it was unfair. I wasn't the one who lost my job. I wasn't the one drinking excessively. I hadn't changed. He changed so he should have to change back - that's what I rationalized. Finally after many exhausting arguements and sleepless nights from his staying out late trying to get away from me, I had had enough. I could only change myself and as hard as it was to change something had to be done. So I started complaining less. I stopped asking him when he was going to get a job and started praising him about the things he did do (however small). I kept a journal in which I would write one thing per day about why I was grateful for my husband. One day I wrote, "Because he's here." But it helped me to focus on all the ways he wasn't a loser. I also started projecting on to him the things I wanted him to become. I would routinely call him, "The man" or compliment him on smart he was when he would tell me some random trivia. Seemingly overnight I changed my perspective. It seemed like a miracle, but my husband up and got his act together. The less I nagged him about giving me what I wanted, the more he wanted to give it to me! He got a job in basically no time (once he started looking), stopped drinking, and even quit smoking! He started taking me out more, calling me more, and wanting to be around me more. He transformed into a better husband when I transformed into a better wife. It all seems so simple now, but it was so hard at first because I couldn't see past my needs and I was impatient. That experience has taught me forgiveness and patience. It has shown me that I really do have a choice every day even if that choice is only my attitude. I work at having a pleasant attitude every day and showing my husband I respect him ESPECIALLY when I feel he deserves it the least. Come to find out, that's when he needs my respect the most.
mem11363 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 If my wife was neutral about sex - she would do it whenever I asked simply to make me happy. I know this is true - from - deep sigh - some past experience. If however she had a true sexual aversion to me, really actively disliked having sexual contact with me, I would NOT divorce her. Nor would I accept celibacy. Why should I? If she doesn't want me, she cannot claim with a straight face that she expects fidelity. Fidelity to what? If she wants to be roommates - ok. But then we would agree to a discreet arrangement. I am a MAN - not one of her girlfriends. Sex is 10% of our marriage because it is great. It would quickly become 90% of the relationship if it went bad/stopped. I do not want to have a girlfriend, but I would have one without hesitation if she became sexually averse. Gender neutral comment: Many long term married people get into this spot. I never understood why a spouse would agree to keep doing all the stuff makes their partner happy when the one thing they are totally dependent on their partner for - has been shut down. And for the spouse with a sexual aversion. Hey - that is just how you feel. But be fair about it. Forcing celibacy on someone is not nice. Let them play if you won't play with them anymore. I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that for many on LS there are sevel key issues they want to resolve and work on in their marriages. Thus our reason for joining right? One issue with thinking through a problem is that it somehow morphs into THE only problem and that everything else gets tossed to the wayside. I am having a hard time getting over the lack of sexual compatability in my marriage. As a result, I am afriad I am neglecting other areas in my marriage where my wife is stellar, and that loops around through my wife and she resents me for not noticing. For me, I can't think of something else more frustrating that lacking the ability to emotionally connect with wife through making love. The door is closed. But, there is so much more to a marriage. Does anyone have a story that is complex and just seems to have no solution that doesn't have to deal with sex in the marriage? Like your spouse won't work, ignores the kids, has mental issues? Would love to hear about them, how you are working on their resolution and then see if I can learn more about how to deal with my own. Not looking for input on my own situation, just on how others recognize their issues and how they are working on them.
sonicranger Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) This "one issue" occurred in my marriage, not the exact same issue but one issue above all others. I am now divorced as a result of it but we're both happy about the entire situation. It did not end ugly. Our "big" issue was emotional intimacy. My lack of giving. Her high demand of. We went to counseling, she read about 10 books on "relationship" etc. etc. What it boiled down to was her need for me to kiss her ass everyday, not in a superficial, negative way but in the way that she thought she deserved because she was someone special. (make sense?) Unfortunately for me, I'm a natural born cynic and pessimist. She's an eternal optimist. The moment of irrevocable harm and no going back came when we were arguing about this subject and I said something to the affect of "If I have to have notes to remind me to tell you how special you are or to kiss you or whatever the hell then it ain't going to happen." Obviously this was incredibly hurtful and just plain boneheaded on my part. BUT, it was mostly true, she needed something that I couldn't give her. I am a show-er of love. I'd wash her car, clean her windows, clean the house, do home repairs, etc. etc. to show her that I loved her. Of course, this wasn't what she needed. I'm sure of course there are many people out there saying "Thats so easy to do, why couldn't you just do what she wanted and she'd be happy?" Ahhh, if only it WERE that easy. Edited December 12, 2009 by sonicranger
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