Time Together: Do You Plan Ahead or Go With the Flow?

[bberryguy]

Here's the scenario:

 

My girlfriend (recently defined though we dated for awhile and were longtime friends before that) lives about forty minutes away. I travel for work one to two nights per week and have my daughter one night a week and every other weekend.

 

Typically, we have one or two things lined up already, but I know I personally like to see her a couple times during the week and at least one weekend day. Also, because I live alone, and because most my friends don't live in town by me, and because I travel and have my daughter, I like to plan my week evenings ahead to make sure I'm almost always doing something and that there are few conflicts. I don't like sitting around at home very often and I just like to plan ahead.

 

My girlfriend is almost always a play it by ear person and when I offer available days for a week says "ok we'll see". We always do wind up getting together - but I just really like to have it nailed down.

 

How do you all feel about this? Do you plan your time ahead or just go with the flow?

 

How can I talk to her about this without coming across as "needy" (I may have given that impression in the past) and simply communicate that I like to have a plan - even if it's a loose one.

 

Thanks everyone!

[aerogurl87]

Here's the scenario:

 

My girlfriend (recently defined though we dated for awhile and were longtime friends before that) lives about forty minutes away. I travel for work one to two nights per week and have my daughter one night a week and every other weekend.

 

Typically, we have one or two things lined up already, but I know I personally like to see her a couple times during the week and at least one weekend day. Also, because I live alone, and because most my friends don't live in town by me, and because I travel and have my daughter, I like to plan my week evenings ahead to make sure I'm almost always doing something and that there are few conflicts. I don't like sitting around at home very often and I just like to plan ahead.

 

My girlfriend is almost always a play it by ear person and when I offer available days for a week says "ok we'll see". We always do wind up getting together - but I just really like to have it nailed down.

 

How do you all feel about this? Do you plan your time ahead or just go with the flow?

 

How can I talk to her about this without coming across as "needy" (I may have given that impression in the past) and simply communicate that I like to have a plan - even if it's a loose one.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

My boyfriend is like your girlfriend and likes to just "go with the flow" as he says and I love to plan ahead. So here's what I did, I talked to him about it and told him that I liked to know ahead of time what was going to happen later in the week for my own sanity and so I can plan my schedule accordingly. So we've come to a compromise on things, we don't schedule what we'll do on a set day, but we do decide what days we'll see each other in advance. It's working out fine so far and is really helping our relationship which was on the verge of falling apart.

[bberryguy]

So I tried having the conversation and I think it might have flopped.

 

Last week I brought it up and mentioned that it would be really helpful to me if we could pick a couple days each week and plan when we'd see each other - no details necessary - but at least lining up the days would help me with my schedule. She joked about having to plan her week and I said it would help.

 

Last night, the topic actually came up twice. She again said she really likes to go with the flow and not plan too much of her week in advance. I reiterated my point from last week that it would really help. Later when asking about today, she told me to stop planning things in advance and that we'd figure it out. I said I think this is something we're going to wind up meeting in the middle on.

 

Unfortunately, while trying to go with the flow today, I wound up waiting around to make a decision which totally threw off my night. It was quite irritating.

 

So how do we meet in the middle on this? Ideas? What's the best way to bring this up again without making it a huge issue? I appreciate where she's coming from, but I'd like at least a little definition to my week / day. I'm wondering if maybe she wants to chase me a bit and I'm not leaving room for that, but inevitably, while we'll still see each other, plans will get doubled up or I'll avoid doing stuff to make sure we have time together.

 

It's a new relationship, and overall we're both enjoying ourselves, but I don't want this to develop into an issue but I don't want to make it one either. Should I just "go with the flow" for awhile and see how things work out and bring it up again after a couple weeks if it doesn't work well?

[bberryguy]

I'm not sure if this is allowed or not but... BUMP

[sugarmomma]

I think you have to just go with the flow on this one. She simply doesn't want to do it which makes your request somewhat unreasonable. I think r are about compromise and negotiating so that both parties can be satisfied. The thing is she doesn't want to compromise. I like the suggestion of the first responder. Maybe you could try that and see or just let it go.

 

You don't want to become demanding which will make her upset. I can see why you want to plan things but maybe she's not that kind of person and doesn't want to seem available all the time when you want her. Or maybe she doesn't want to commit to seeing you on certain days which kind of takes the spontaneity out of the relationship.

 

Just relax and let it flow.

 

JMTC.

Edited December 15, 2009 by sugarmomma

[callingyouuu]

Unfortunately, while trying to go with the flow today, I wound up waiting around to make a decision which totally threw off my night. It was quite irritating.

If you do end up going with the flow for the sake of the relationship, which seems like the only way to get this to work, I don't think you ever have to give up plans that you've already made. If you're still figuring out what you want to do on a particular night, just let her know beforehand that you have to be at place "x" by 10:00 or something like that, so she's aware that there might be some incentive to planning more quickly.

 

It's not about being pushy. When it's running into your schedule, I think it's an issue of setting boundaries. There's nothing wrong with "going with the flow", but she has to be aware that her flow needs to align with your schedule. That's compromise.

[eiithan]

I am dating a freelancer for a month now, which has its own set of difficulties as he does not have a clear work/non-work hour time frame. He does not exactly know his schedule until a day before, so we usually discuss a larger picture of our overall weekly schedule and see to the details. I am a planner type, he is not...but he is a semi-workaholic with a bit of flexibility (the pro of being a freelancer) and we have an agreement that school/work must come first; I plan my week and add our plans into my (and his) free time. So far it works. Communication definitely helps. Good luck!

[bberryguy]

I am dating a freelancer for a month now, which has its own set of difficulties as he does not have a clear work/non-work hour time frame. He does not exactly know his schedule until a day before, so we usually discuss a larger picture of our overall weekly schedule and see to the details. I am a planner type, he is not...but he is a semi-workaholic with a bit of flexibility (the pro of being a freelancer) and we have an agreement that school/work must come first; I plan my week and add our plans into my (and his) free time. So far it works. Communication definitely helps. Good luck!

 

This sounds close to what I'd like to do.

 

My nights are typically all or nothing because we live about 40 min or so apart unless it's a night I have my daughter because she leaves early. It's not like I can see gf AND go see a buddy (most my friends live even farther away than she so I have to plan time with them too).

 

In the situation from a couple days ago, sure I could have gone and make other plans, but then she coulda come back and said she wanted to get together - which was my preference for the evening anyway.

 

I don't even want to necessarily have the same days each week. Ideally what I'd like to do is take my calendar for the week (1) plug in my daughter time which is fixed (2) plug in my travel plans for work and then (3) have her pick which remaining days work for her and I. Hopefully we could get 2 weekdays and a weekend day out of that.

 

Does that seem unreasonable? It's an honest question. She obviously likes to work things different I guess but I have a hard time going into my week not having at least a loose idea of what's going to happen. When I do have even a loose idea, I feel more settled, organized, and accomplished. After the loose framework is set, I'm all for figuring out the rest as we go and going with the flow so to speak.

[meerkat stew]

You travel two nights a week and have your daughter a third, and there is some travel time involved with seeing your GF? was that the case? If so, your GF is being rigid and inflexible. She should have more understanding of your desire to have plans so that your busy schedule causes less stress for you. This is just bare common sense and basic human compassion.

 

How to broach it? Frankly, I wouldn't bring it up again, would just start being less available and deprioritize her some. Fill up your schedule with plans as you see fit and leave time open for her. If it turns out she can't make the times you have open for her, too bad. If it turns out that you two are spending less time as a result, it may bring her around. If she doesn't seem to care, maybe she isn't worthy of your precious time. Could understand her position more if you basically had most of your nights free as many folks do, but that isn't the case. She needs to accommodate you here.

[Kamille]

I'm more of the planner in our relationship, where my bf is a bit more keen on play-it-by-ear. It's never really been an issue - but I think that's just because we've just naturally found a middle ground.

 

The compromise that we've found is that we plan ahead one or two night a week and then have another one or two more last minute hang outs. I'm lucky in that bf understands my need for planning and often initiates the plans. But, on the weeks when he's more in 'flow' style, I set up the planed dates. It's win win.

 

A thing that has worked... Now that I think of it. There was a period, before we adjusted, when I would just plan my week ahead as invitations came in. that meant that he often came up with last minute plans when I was already busy elsewhere. My advice? Don't put plans on hold for her. That way, you won't build resentment and she might see why it's better that you two do some planning ahead.

[mammax3]

Interesting - and I'm glad to see that there are many people with a similar situation.

 

My situation is that he doesn't like to plan because he doesn't want to disappoint - if he plans (even loosely) and something happens that makes it impossible to follow through he experiences some anxiety. So, to avoid the anxiety he avoids planning.

 

I avoid anxiety by planning in advance.

 

OP, I don't think your request is unreasonable based on your needs, but it's obviously unreasonable based on her needs. IMHO, rather than deprioritizing her, I think more discussion is a good idea but rather than attempting to change her needs (which will be just as unsuccessful as her trying to change yours) perhaps just discuss the thoughts of WHY you both like to have your weeks unfold as you do.

 

Taking the pressure off Solutions and focusing on Understanding may naturally lead you to mutual accomodation. If not, then you've gained some insight to each other as well as increasing your intimacy.

[bberryguy]

Lots of good opinions so far, and I'd love to hear more. Some thoughts on what's been posted:

 

(1) Thank you for reinforcing that I can't change her. I actually do appreciate her go with the flow mentality. It springs from her low maintenance personality. I certainly appreciate going with the flow too - I just can't as much as she can right now (she's unemployed currently so demands on her time are not as high).

 

(2) It's probably a good idea to just fill up my schedule and "make her suffer" a little - but honestly - I feel like I would suffer a little too. I really do enjoy my time with her and don't want to lose that.

 

(3) While I have several good reasons for wanting to plan, I think some of it springs from an insecurity that she may not want to hang out with me as much as I do her. Again, she is very low maintenance (in a good way) and has her own life and space. I try to have my own life and space too, but I love having her as a part of it. She adds a great flavor to life.

 

That being said, I know she likes to spend time with me and wants to. She's said as much to me and even a friend recently. Apparently she was "gushing" about wanting to be with me, and she even tells me she's addicted to me.

 

So I think there's a bit of relational insecurity at play here in addition to my legitimate reasons. I need to get over that, but honestly not sure how. My last ex (ex wife) pretty much destroyed my self-confidence and relational security. I've made huge leaps and gains since I left her back in March - huge like the old me is 90% back - but there's some lingering associations. My only experience with "low maintinence" - which I like - is "no maintinence" (i.e. my ex since we had a non existing relationship). I think I'm probably projecting my no maintenance experience with the ex on the low maintenance relationship with my girlfriend and getting a bit nervous. Tips on how to break myself of that?

 

(4) I really like the idea of bringing it up again, but not in a way to find a solution but more in a way of gaining understanding. I think that would show her respect for who she is and hopefully she would gain more respect for who I am and a solution could naturally spring and work out from our own mutual appreciation for each other.

[faf]

I have to do both. We both have one child each so scheduling is a necessity. Many of these activities will be cooking dinner at my place or going out for ice cream, a hike, jogging, etc... We also have to plan our weekends for time alone.

 

Plus our schedules can tend to be busy with after work activities such as class or meetings. She's going to school and I attend various local political meetings and events.