Maggotface Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 But my husband does. He has a new girlfriend and refuses to go to counciling, is there nothing I can do? He says he does not love me anymore and never sees us together but all I want to do is keep trying and save our marriage. We are separated and dont live in the same house anymore, he asked me to leave he said he was happy when I was gone. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 BTDT....accept him for who he truly is. This is who he always was. Pretty scary, huh? Now, a question I would ask myself is why I would want to remain married to a person like that. Take emotion out of the equation. Hard to do, especially during the holidays. Accept the answer. It has a lot to do with who you are. It does get better. Hope you can divorce amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 MF, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do. He appears to have made his final decision about the marriage, and he appears to be perfectly happy with his choice. It is about accepting the current situation, and just taking small steps forward from here. Hugs and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 MF Stop trying to make the marriage work. Stop trying. It will only kill you and create more anxiety than you can imagine. The more you think about saving the marriage the more you will become obsessed and emotionally traumatized. He is not in the same place as you right now (and may never be) so all you can really do is stop trying for the marriage in order to save your own sanity. The more you try the further he will run and the more pain you will encounter. Saving marriages in these cases is very very rare and the ones that succeed take a loooooong time (years) but only succeed when you finally let go and become indifferent to the outcome. If you focus on saving your marriage while this guy is telling you he doesn't love you and is seeing someone else you will be in for a lot of major pain, dissapointment, etc. etc. Let go of the marriage. It's gone. Work on yourself and stop thinking about reconciliation. Now I am saying this because I also want to make my marriage work, but I realize I can't without letting go of it. I can not save a marriage while I am in so much pain. I cannot save it while I am trying so hard because it pushed the other person away. But trust me when you start letting go of the marrriage and knowing that it is dead, and go through the greiving process you will be in a mUCH better place. All you can do is just detach by reducing contact with the H and NOT talkiing about the relationship. STOP TRYING. Think of you and only you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Thank you Florida and everyone else, we have to keep some contact because of our son. He just made all of these promises that we would be together and be happy and that he still loved me and then he just calls out of nowhere and says he doesnt love me and we'll never be together again. It's so hard to picture my life without him, he filled me up with hope and then just left me here. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I'm so sorry for you. There is nothing you can do but move on when someone said what your H told you. I know it is hard but you have to start telling yourself that you two will never be back together and you have to move on with your life. There is no need to hold on to hopes that are completely unlikely to happen. You would be just torturing yourself and stunting your healing process. You have to move on. Maybe therapy can help you accept that your marriage is over. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Thank you Florida and everyone else, we have to keep some contact because of our son. He just made all of these promises that we would be together and be happy and that he still loved me and then he just calls out of nowhere and says he doesnt love me and we'll never be together again. It's so hard to picture my life without him, he filled me up with hope and then just left me here. Don't know what to say. He is not the mature man that perhaps you thought he was. He is definately not that man you "evisioned" him to be. He's childish and selfish. Where is your anger? I would be pissed!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 But my husband does. He has a new girlfriend and refuses to go to counciling, is there nothing I can do? He says he does not love me anymore and never sees us together but all I want to do is keep trying and save our marriage. We are separated and dont live in the same house anymore, he asked me to leave he said he was happy when I was gone. This isn't about you or the OW. He's more than likely pulling her chain too. Bottomline is this - He's gotten used to having two women fulfill and meet all his needs. He's lying to you, lying to her. Lying to himself.. He's messed up and definately not the man you married, the man you thought he was.. He's selfish, manipulative, and a cheater, a betrayer. Give him the D. Tell him it's over and that you don't want him anymore, call his bluff (but be prepared to follow through), talk to a lawyer, work it out and let him know that the OW is to be NOWHERE around your son. If he wants to spend time with his kid, it's by himself, without her. Sorry you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 But my husband does. He has a new girlfriend and refuses to go to counciling, is there nothing I can do? He says he does not love me anymore and never sees us together but all I want to do is keep trying and save our marriage. We are separated and dont live in the same house anymore, he asked me to leave he said he was happy when I was gone. You moved out of your house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Don't know what to say. He is not the mature man that perhaps you thought he was. He is definately not that man you "evisioned" him to be. He's childish and selfish. Where is your anger? I would be pissed!!!!! Im not angry, everyday he makes it worse, but I never can be angry. Not right now anyway, maybe later on. He knows how hard this is for me everytime he calls I break down I cant be around him for more then a few minutes but he wants all this done immediately like he cant get away from me fast enough. You are right about him being selfish though, he wanted to be with her regardless of the vows he made to me, he told me what I could and could not take when I moved out. If he has friends over that I dont want around my son, it does not matter. He refuses to go to counseling and try at all to fix this, it is all about his needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 You moved out of your house? A few months ago we separated, he told me he was happy everyday that I went to class because he was happy when I was gone and I told him if it made him happy then I would leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) This isn't about you or the OW. He's more than likely pulling her chain too. Bottomline is this - He's gotten used to having two women fulfill and meet all his needs. He's lying to you, lying to her. Lying to himself.. He's messed up and definately not the man you married, the man you thought he was.. He's selfish, manipulative, and a cheater, a betrayer. Give him the D. Tell him it's over and that you don't want him anymore, call his bluff (but be prepared to follow through), talk to a lawyer, work it out and let him know that the OW is to be NOWHERE around your son. If he wants to spend time with his kid, it's by himself, without her. Sorry you're hurting. We have an agreement for the moment that I get the baby through the week and he keeps him on the weekends, I told him I was not ready for her to be around him. Edited December 7, 2009 by Maggotface Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Im not angry, everyday he makes it worse, but I never can be angry. Not right now anyway, maybe later on. He knows how hard this is for me everytime he calls I break down I cant be around him for more then a few minutes but he wants all this done immediately like he cant get away from me fast enough. You are right about him being selfish though, he wanted to be with her regardless of the vows he made to me, he told me what I could and could not take when I moved out. If he has friends over that I dont want around my son, it does not matter. He refuses to go to counseling and try at all to fix this, it is all about his needs. Honey, at this point who needs to go to counseling with this jerk. I only hope that your anger towards him kicks in soon. He is treating you like a piece of s---. Let him go and see an attorney. He deserves to give you everything you want. Do you have any family or friends near you for support? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 No I am not close to my family, the only person I am really close to is my roommate who has been more than understanding taking me and my son in. She has also been through a divorce that was not her choice so she knows the nightmare of the whole situation. But she's not home much she has classes too and works all the time but she helps when she can it just makes it worse because I am home alone all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I must say that I find your username disturbing, and wonder if your username is tied in somehow with how you view yourself, and allow yourself to be treated by others. Your husband has told you what he is, selfish, irresponsible, cruel, destructive, and unreliable. Who could want someone in their lives with these characteristics? What do you think your life would be like he was willing to come back? You would be living on edge waiting for that other shoe to drop. You would be walking on pins and needles hoping not to send him running back to the OW. I really think you and your son deserve better and much more than you are getting right now. We can all see this...............I am hoping that you will see, what we all see, very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggotface Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 Ha, not at all, I think I am a pretty girl and a relatively good person, that is just the user name I use with everything. I know what he's turned into, we didnt always use to be so bad. The first couple of years were amazing it seems like everything went down hill after we married. I do truely love him and wish he would have given it some time we havent even been married a year! I have pity for the next woman he marries since his vows mean nothing and he'll take off when he's not happy. My son is young and doesnt really understand right now but I know he misses his father, that's another reason it's so hard. We raised him together, everyday, me and his dad were all he knew. I wish we could keep raising him as a family but now theres all these other people around him, the OW, my roommate, and a couple of his friends that have moved into our old home he must be so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
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