aeh Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Almost six months out from D-Day...I've been on the crazy train from hell. The second half totally of my doing. Raging against my H, our marriage, my choices, his choices, etc. I was just talking to a trusted friend on Friday, telling her that I just couldn't let go of the rage, the fury, that no matter how much I let it out and vent it still never dissipates. Why can't I go scream in a padded room somewhere, let it all out and be done with it..or at the very least feel better? I told her I didn't know where we would end up. How I would love love love to separate. How I take it a day at a time, even though I have always been a person who looks at the big picture, long term goals, etc but now it's all I can do to get through each day. Friday night I go out to dinner with my H. We talk about his A (as we have millions of other times), we talk about it all. Nothing really different, but somehow something changed. I left the dinner seeing us in a different light. I was able to let go of something--whether it was my anger or being in love with him, I'm not sure. We talked about how what we would miss most if we weren't together was our friendship. I have had this feeling in one other relationship which was my long time college boyfriend. It came at a point where I realized we were past, done, finito but I still looked at him fondly and we still occasionally had sex but in my mind the "us" that had existed was over. We knew we would be best friends but we really had nothing to keep us together as my H and I do now (kids, etc) and we moved on. My H is still in love with me. He has maintained the NC he initiated with his MOW. I, frankly, am not sure if I am in love with him. One minute I want to have sex, the next I am only lukewarm on him. But as of Friday night, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of me. There are other men (one in particular, especially) who intrigue me to say the least but there has been NC and I do not foresee any contact in the future. I feel like I have been released from a bondage of sorts, and gotten off the crazy train. Of course, I realize that this rollercoaster could start up again as I am very familiar with the bumpy ride. I was almost afraid to go to sleep Friday night because I didn't want to wake up angry again. I cried tears of happiness that I didn't feel angry, if only temporarily. We had a good day Saturday, still wasn't angry even though H and I discussed a few touchy things. Wouldn't let myself go there. Distracted myself from the thought path. Even had a few triggers and was able to feel in control. Last night a short discussion about something and I didn't feel angry at all regarding the details. Don't know if it's release of anger, or release of caring but I'm most surprised by how sudden it was..
turnstone Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Oh yeah, the friendship.... boy, that hurts and that's what I miss. Daily I try to persuade myself I can find it again.
Spark1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 AEh, that was also a huge turning point for me. One daughter was in a serious car accident (unharmed!) during the course of the blackest days after DDay. And the ONLY person I wanted to share it with was HIM, even though I hated him at the time and had thrown him out of the house! I realized that, no matter what happened to our relationship, he would always be the father of my children, and for that reason alone, I would have to maintain friendship with him. It did alter my thinking and reactions to the affair. I had to rebuild a friendship with him, no matter what.
imagine Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Six months after D-Day is around when the anger erupts. This is when your taker kicks in. I hope it goes away for good. This is the feeling that kills you slowly. I hope that you can discuss this feeling with your H. He needs to understand and help you through this difficult time.
betrayed2 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 how long did it take for you to get to that point? i go from one exstrweme to another hating my XH for his A to missing him and its been about two years..........................
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