Template Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 If life is that truly simple than you are making a point that once we make a decision, it's a finite determination. So for all the dumpee's on here, you should be able to tell them, "Dude/Dudette, you just weren't good enough for that crack smoking cheating prostitute of an EX.", and the world is full of song once again, and we should never hear from this person again, except for them to call someone else unworthy, so they too could hear colors once again. However, as clearly demonstrated time and time again on these forums, it quite doesn't work that way. I'm not saying you are wrong, but I think everyone at some point as a dumpee, 100% felt at one time that they were "not good enough", it's not something that needs to be said. But hey, if you can honestly say that vocalizing this revelation made you feel a lot better of your whole situation, then so be it. It's how you choose to look at it.
adamt Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Another way to look at it is that the dumpee is too good for the dumper. . too loyal..etc the dumpee deserves someone better.
soheartbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm not saying you are wrong, but I think everyone at some point as a dumpee, 100% felt at one time that they were "not good enough", it's not something that needs to be said. But hey, if you can honestly say that vocalizing this revelation made you feel a lot better of your whole situation, then so be it. It's how you choose to look at it. Yes. Reading the proposition of this thread hurt because I have thought/do think sometimes that I wasn't good enough (in my case, attractive enough).
Ilovecake Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) incompatible = not good enough It seems to me like all the people that do not agree with this theory are simply taking the words “not good enough” verbatim. I think the author of this thread is just trying to simplify all those underlying reasons and believe me they all lead to one person is "not good enough" for the other to spend their life with. Even if you both said I want out at the same time, then you're both not good enough for each other. Edited December 7, 2009 by Ilovecake
Taucher Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I agree with USMCHokie. On a fundamental level, I think that this is true. I do not think it is a question of reality, it's a question of perception. My GF left me. She obviously thought I was not good enough. This is not necessarily true, but it is how she sees it. Basically, why would someone stay with their other half if they thought they were not good enough? They wouldn't. It is simplified and there are degrees of truth in this, but underneath it all, it is true. My ex thinks I am not good enough for her, partly for practical reasons. She is wrong, but I am not in a position to change her thinking. The pain and hurt that people on LS are feeling is because being not good enough IS hurtful. We do have good self esteem. All posts on here are just people saying "My ex left me...how COULD they?". I suspect that people who REALLY feel that they are not good enough would not be on this site, because they will just accept that they are not good enough, they will probably EXPECT to not be good enough. We are more than good enough for lots of people, we just have to find those people. Take care T
adamt Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 my ex changed after her mom got cancer and passed away. she then dumped me and i've seen odd pictures of her and looks a different girl. Seems she just wants to be on here own and is busy. we lasted 3 years, in that time she gone from a girl who was looking for a boyfriend,wanting to settle down,liked nights in, didnt do much exercise,didnt drink really,not in a stressful job ..then when we split up she had lost weight,going out a lot more,a lot more busy,goes to the gym,more image conscious,more makeup and buying things with labels, a more stressful demanding job. Who knows if she was into me that would not have happened. but it seems she was on a path that i could not stop her following and eventually she shut me out and then dumped me. but she came out a totally different girl than the one I asked out 3 years earlier. i guess we grew apart.
DenverBachelor Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 The bottom line is that, in the end, every person in on a course for their own life. It isn't necessarily a question of "good enough or not good enough" when people are transient, ever-flowing, evolving and moving towards new things. In the end, we cannot define our relationships with another based on the end outcome, but on what we shared and what we learned while together. Too many people place too much emphasis on absolutes, but we live in a world that is constantly changing and those absolutes break down, change, shift and disintegrate. Too many people place too much emphasis on the destination and never really focus on the journey. Life's only destination is death and everything between the moment we are born and the moment we die is a journey. There are no absolutes or concrete destinations. As much as we would like, in our hearts, to hold onto love with one person and see the end together, the simple fact is that most people too easily abandon love because their life is ever changing and their minds are forever unsure. Once you realize that every experience and moment you have in life is for your growth, then you will begin to understand that just because someone left you, it doesn't mean it was the best choice they could have made -- but it was their life, their evolution and their own course. You'll never see two paths follow each other in a forest -- even nature forces things to eventually push in their own ways. Just as rivers flow into the ocean, the waters of the ocean flow in other directions. Our lives are nothing but raindrops into the ocean, and our moments and experiences are just tributaries that expand out in many directions throughout our journey. The "good enough" or "not good enough" is like asking a river why it chooses to go west instead of east -- why it flows south instead of north. Once you learn to embrace moments and not expectations, then you'll forever free yourself of the turmoil of regret for things lost -- for paths not taken and for avenues not explored. YOU can explore any avenue -- but sometimes your companion will choose another. That's just life -- and as hard as it is to accept and suck up, that is the nature of reality. But on the flip side, if you can embrace the moments and focus on them and not focus on the path -- you'll free yourself of the expectations and you'll rid yourself of the depression and guilt of not walking that path with another. You walked together for awhile -- and in this life and this universe, that should bring us happiness and a smile on your face. Someone choose to walk your path for some amount of time -- there is no reason to dwell on why they choose not to walk that path with you for eternity. It's all good. The universe is a bigger and more amazing place than we could ever hope to understand. So in your next relationship, focus on the moments -- because time itself teaches us that they never come again.
adamt Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) everything seems a lot more disposable in the world these days. People get married and never seems to last forever anymore. Is it the culture we live in that people get bored easily and want to try something new/different. are people not prepared to sit and work things out. years ago once you were married that was it and you had to make it work. are people distracted by modern gadgets like mobile phones,wifi laptops,facebook,internet..everything is more accessable and people seem reluctant to settle down for good. people seem to have cyber friends all over the world. compare a 38 year old now to a 38 year old 20-30 years ago. its like they still think they are in their 20s Edited December 8, 2009 by adamt
DenverBachelor Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 everything seems a lot more disposable in the world these days. People get married and never seems to last forever anymore. Is it the culture we live in that people get bored easily and want to try something new/different. are people not prepared to sit and work things out. years ago once you were married that was it and you had to make it work. are people distracted by modern gadgets like mobile phones,wifi laptops,facebook,internet..everything is more accessable and people seem reluctant to settle down for good. people seem to have cyber friends all over the world. compse a 38 year old now to a 38 year old 2-30 years ago. its like they still think they are in their 20s Monogamy is an inherent illusion to the human race to begin with. Biologically speaking, we all have impulsive drives to spread out genes or accept the genes of successful men. Polygamy is the gold standard for most mammals. There is a huge level of cognitive dissonance going on with all of us -- because the basic levels of our brain our constantly pushing us to explore alternatives, spread our genes and act on chemical impulses. However, on top of that reptilian brain, we've developed far deeper logical, emotional and spiritual centers. I honestly believe that humans due have a "soul" or "spirit." It is our soul that looks beyond polygamy and realizes a greater worth in the deeper bonds we form with another. It is that part of us where "unconditional love" for a non-blood relative originate. I believe some people fall just short of that ability -- others straddle that line and some of us have risen above it and realize that this is the truth to humanity. The world is a much smaller place now, too. As you said, we have the internet, cell-phones, instant communication. This exposes us to far more information that what our predecessors had access to. This pushes the bar even higher and, unfortunately, many people are just overwhelmed by the choices and experiences. If you went into an ice-cream store with three flavours, life would be simple. We're now in a store with over a million flavors -- and the woman behind the counter is always impatient while we decide.
HokeyPokey Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Totally agree with OP, except in the rare case of extreme circumstances such as addiction problems, when children from a previous marriage are involved which can cause friction, etc. Not that people don't change their minds later, but I think at the time of dumping the overriding thought is, "There is something better for me."
harmfulsweetz Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 People change. We aren't static beings, if we were, nothing would ever evolve. And when people change, their wants, and needs, and directions shift too. It's normal. What you want when three years prior may not be the same now. Look back, three or more years ago, can you definitely, hand on your heart say, that nothing about you, your life, your wants has changed? For me, change is the single biggest reason for a break up. My friend's parents divorced because they were somewhat different from the way they were when they married. They married young. I broke up with my bf because we just didn't click anymore, I changed. It was nothing to do with him not being good enough, he's great, and I hate to think of anyone settling for someone who is simply good enough. 'Enough' as a word implies that they will do, it's surmountable (if thats the right word) enough to keep you satiated (right word again?). You don't want those words in conjunction with you. I don't want to be good enough for someone, I want to be fabulous for someone. I think if you're merely good enough, it's a suggestion that you'll merely suffice.
Author USMCHokie Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 People change. It was nothing to do with him not being good enough, he's great, and I hate to think of anyone settling for someone who is simply good enough. You're exactly right...people change...but it has everything to do with being good enough...once you strip away all the bullsh*t, it's always what it comes down to. When you're happily in a relationship, you don't feel like you're settling...you feel like you're with that person you were meant to be with...someone that makes you feel something that no one else can make you feel...I'm not talking about being in a relationship with someone that is merely "good enough"...I'm talking about leaving a relationship because they weren't good enough...when people change, their desides and tastes change...and what once was desirable is no longer "good enough"... My theory relates only to breakups...not happy relationships...I agree that you should never settle with someone that is just "good enough"...but the moment Dumpee isn't "good enough" is when Dumper peaces out of the relationship...it's really as simple as that...
Author USMCHokie Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Totally agree with OP, except in the rare case of extreme circumstances such as addiction problems, when children from a previous marriage are involved which can cause friction, etc. Not that people don't change their minds later, but I think at the time of dumping the overriding thought is, "There is something better for me." Doesn't matter the circumstances...outside of death, there is nothing that can't be overcome with enough willpower and tolerance for misery...if that person truly was "good enough", Dumper would do whatever was necessary to maintain the relationship... And you're right, it's all about what Dumper thinks or feels at the moment that they leave the relationship. Dumper can do better. Simple as that.
adamt Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 People change. We aren't static beings, if we were, nothing would ever evolve. And when people change, their wants, and needs, and directions shift too. It's normal. What you want when three years prior may not be the same now. Look back, three or more years ago, can you definitely, hand on your heart say, that nothing about you, your life, your wants has changed? For me, change is the single biggest reason for a break up. My friend's parents divorced because they were somewhat different from the way they were when they married. They married young. I broke up with my bf because we just didn't click anymore, I changed. It was nothing to do with him not being good enough, he's great, and I hate to think of anyone settling for someone who is simply good enough. 'Enough' as a word implies that they will do, it's surmountable (if thats the right word) enough to keep you satiated (right word again?). You don't want those words in conjunction with you. I don't want to be good enough for someone, I want to be fabulous for someone. I think if you're merely good enough, it's a suggestion that you'll merely suffice. I can relate to that that . for 2 years things were great with my ex. similar interests,morales and attitude towards things, even got as far as picking the sort of houses we liked and looking to buy in the near future. she was full of cuddles..etc then things started to change. she started to nick pick, go out with friends more. not as open with me and spend less time on msn talking to me. her mom got ill and passed away. maybe that contributed. looking back was there really much i could have done to stop her changing. i am not jealous controlling type so i beleive in giving people their independence. she changed in appearance. maybe at the end i was kidding myself by thinking it was a phase and she would return to her old self. she seems a totally different person to the one i started going out with.
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