apparat86 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi LS, new poster here looking for some advice... sorry it's a long read. I need some help on dealing with psycho ex's. I recently began dating a nice guy who I met through an industry function about 2 months ago. At first we were colleagues and would meet for coffee or lunch, but we quickly found chemistry and began becoming more emotionally attached. At one point he came to walk me home after work, and I invited him in. While friendly, he was very hands-off and gentlemanly despite his obvious interest in me (which is a dead giveaway for a guy in a relationship). At this point, we had gone to dinner once--which was definitely less "work" and more of a date. I confronted him, and discovered he was in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend of 5 years. According to him, the girl had been living with him for 6 months after being long-distance for 2 years, and he wanted to give the relationship a chance (she had several mental breakdowns and was generally hard to be around). He stated that the breakup was long overdue, but not initiated by his meeting me. He tried to hide the process from me/tried to keep his feelings at bay, because he was concerned that I would be scared away. I appreciated his being honest with me, but I asked him to break up completely with his girlfriend in order for us to continue becoming closer. So fast forward 3 weeks... we are now dating and I'm very emotionally connected to this guy. He, true to his word, broke up with his girlfriend 2-3 days after we had a discussion about it, offered to get someone to move her things out. I've had a hard time understanding how he could share his life for several months with someone he seemed to have no interest in, and we've had open, frank, and difficult discussions about the whole situation. My big issue is his ex has gone completely psycho on me. She rifled through his things when moving out, and found out about me because of a nice letter I wrote him when we first got together. She tried to friend me on facebook (to learn more about me), and has sent me multiple messages that ranged from anything to partial truths to outright lies-- everything from they were going to get married (she tried to force him to marry her), he had gotten a ring from his mother (there was an unset diamond at his parents' house that she's never seen), that he hit her (he tapped her shoulder a bit too rough when she threw a bunch of full glass bottles on the ground, shattering glass all over the kitchen), and other ridiculous claims (like they've been hanging out--which is impossible, since BF has been with me literally every day/evening as we have been preparing for a professional exam we took together recently.) Worse, she threw out much of my BF's things when she moved out--anything that had sentimental value or was in some way tangentially related to their relationship--including a $80 tie I recently bought him. My BF tells me he is very in love with me, and has been generally frank and honest with the situation and welcomes my criticism. I asked him to block his ex's number, which hopefully he will do soon. He's also asked all his roommates to treat her as a persona non grata and keep her from trying to come over. Despite this, I am concerned about his initial efforts to conveniently omit up the break up he was going through (especially that she was living with him-- and was still moving out when we started to date!). He called her in my presence to tell her to not call anymore, but she continues to send him messages through his personal and work emails, and continues to have a photo of the two of them on her various Internet profiles. I really fell hard for this guy, and he's otherwise been incredibly good to me-- from being willing to talk at anytime of night, to taking me to other cities for getaways all this month, just for the two of us. Is it just too soon for him to be in such an intense relationship, right as he broke up with a live-in previously girlfriend (even if little other than inertia held them together?) I know that there's a bit of self-serving in his actions (he kept from moving her out until someone else came along to spend time with), but should I trust his actions more? Or continue to put pressure on him as we continue to grind through first gear in this very new relationship? Thanks for reading!
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You've been dating 3-5 weeks? I couldn't quite figure out from what you said. Regardless that is soo fast for him to be "in love" with you while simultaneously dealing with this ex of his - who he admits is emotionally unstable. I just think you are going to get really hurt. He has unfinished buiness with this ex - getting her to go away - and that is going to take its toll on your relationship. Do you think you might be the rebound? I would deal with it by pulling way way back. Still have contact with him, but scale it back until he deals with his past. And then see what you both want.
Awesome Username Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 If he doesn't live with her anymore, then there could be a chance that you two could work out. 5 years is a long time though, and if she's still in love with him then she's probably still gonna psycho out a bit. Yeah, have a good talk with him about it and give him his distance. This kind of thing is hard to deal with because what are you gonna do, tack a few months on his sentence and THEN see if it still works out? Either way, this situation SUCKS but keep us updated!
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