lostandalone1980 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I'm the one who said "I Need a Break"... ...and now I'm so angry. It's a LDR, she's 6000 miles away...I've been there 4 times (most recently oct 09), she's never been here, keeps creating excuses for why her 'passport was delayed again'...she promised that at the very latest she'd come in december (now), but with her most recent excuse i almost caved and went back a 5th time, until... we have 2 phone dates per week. i choose to call her mid-week, she always chooses to call on sat nite around midnight. why? it's clear she wants to inject herself into my sat nite because of her envy/jealousy issues. periodically and regularly she asks if i met anyone, if i slept with anyone else...each time my answer is 'of course not' and i have in fact been 100% faithful, turning down aggressive bar chicks many nights (i like to go out and sing karaoke a lot). in fact, i've always been 100% honest with her in *everything*. i met her 3 years ago travelling through her country. we kept in touch mostly through email. we've been together since july, so 5 months now. it was always ldr....and yes she wants me to move there, so she can have the best of all worlds (stay near her family/friends, keep her job, have (relatively) very affluent american boyfriend/potential husband) last saturday night, it's the 3rd time she just doesn't call when she says she will...didn't contact me all night. the 2nd time it happened, i thought i had put my foot down in a firm but calm manner - "you need to contact me, whatever it takes, when you say you will call me - and i will of course hold myself to the same standard" (and she agreed to do so). for the first time, i send a 'negative' message - texted her midday sunday saying that 'i am not happy'. she has another excuse why she was at a party where there wasn't cell phone reception. i don't care for any excuses anymore. 3 painful days later, i get up the nerve to call her and say 'i need a break'. she acts like she doesn't care, then sends me a pleading text message the following morning.... i do not have 1 single picture of her. she says she doesn't like sending pictures. i've asked her so many times, in fact we are in one picture together that i know she possesses...she promised she'd send it, but never did. when we were out with her friends once, we got to talking about connecting on facebook. i turn to my gf and ask 'do you have facebook?' she says 'no'. turns out she has a cartoon image for her profile picture, and does have facebook after all...i just had to investigate a little, and found evidence. she's sharing facebook content with others, and not one single picture with me. last nite, i do message her *only on the facebook acct she said she didn't have*, simply writing: "me: 'do you have facebook'...you: 'no'" (end of message).....and i friended a couple of her friends that i have gotten to know somewhat in my trips to see her. it's evidence of a clear lie, one she thought the could get away with by having a cartoon image for a profile pic. i asked for a break, i've kept NC for 5 days, but felt i had to do this... i've spent all the money (several thousand) for the trips, all my vacation time from work, she talks and talks and talks but no demonstrable effort. this feels like war. what the hell do i do now. help. please, please help.
Ronni_W Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 she wants me to move there, so she can have the best of all worlds (stay near her family/friends, keep her job, have (relatively) very affluent american boyfriend/potential husband) I think your instinct is correct. You needed a (permanent) "break". You're viewing and treating her like a girlfriend, but she is not treating you like a boyfriend. Is she? It's not really a war. Either you sucker up and go be her (relatively) very affluent American suitor-husband, or you call it quits while you're ahead. Write-off the money and vacation time already spent...that'll be wiser than chasing more good money and more good vacation time after bad. IMO. Sorry you have had to go through this.
delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah it really sounds like she's toying with you. Doesn't seem like she's opened up and committed at all. Who doesn't like sending pictures to her love? Come. On. I'm sorry; that sucks. But you're doing ALL the heavy lifting here and she's soaking it right up. Not cool. By the way I was in a LDR til today and we exchanged about ten pictures a DAY. Just anything to feel close, you know? She seems to like keeping you at arm's length. it will just torture you.
Blind Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I was in the same position as you with my "BF" (he was a coward and could not commit to me). It was also LD and I found myself doing all the work. It really messes with your head if they don't keep in touch with you and you find out little secrets especially if you have in no way confronting them face to face. I wanted to confront him but all I could do was send him a text or over the phone, and I could never feel assure even if he denied anything. Then you start to over-analyze and picture every detail over their actions. And trust me, it is not good for your sanity. My advice is to keep NC. I know in LD relationships (or any relationship for that matter), communication is key. But in this case silence is the best answer you can give her. You did all you can to keep the relationship, it's time for her to step up to the plate. If she doesn't, then she was never worth it in the first place. You deserve someone worth seeing once you get off that plane.
Hannah86 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You did the right thing to break things off. It doesn't sound like she is as into you as you are to her. You should find someone closer to your home (it's easier than you think! try Match.com or other dating sites) because you will find someone who is better matched for you. I am one of those people that believes there isn't just "one" person right for you, but an infinite amount if you can make it work. I am more of a believer that there are people that are "better than others" This "relationship" of yours is NOT working. You were right to cut it. Now, go out and explore what you've been missing!
Author lostandalone1980 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 she texted last night, said she wanted to know how i was and she missed me. i haven't texted back. she hasn't acknowleged the facebook lie, and i don't know if she received my very short message on fb. this is very painful...i know she misses me like hell but feel i need to stand my ground and am trying to figure out *how* to stand my ground. part of me wants to start dating again, but feels like it wouldn't be fair to someone new *if* my gf does somehow break down and find the wherewithall to come visit me, as i had wanted all along....and what if i hit it off with someone new? that would be a mess. i'm already on 2 dating sites and have several messages to which i never responded (some with phone numbers) from girls who contacted me over the past several months even though my rel. status was 'not available'.... how should i go about this?
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) she texted last night, said she wanted to know how i was and she missed me. i haven't texted back. she hasn't acknowleged the facebook lie, and i don't know if she received my very short message on fb. this is very painful...i know she misses me like hell but feel i need to stand my ground and am trying to figure out *how* to stand my ground. part of me wants to start dating again, but feels like it wouldn't be fair to someone new *if* my gf does somehow break down and find the wherewithall to come visit me, as i had wanted all along....and what if i hit it off with someone new? that would be a mess. i'm already on 2 dating sites and have several messages to which i never responded (some with phone numbers) from girls who contacted me over the past several months even though my rel. status was 'not available'.... how should i go about this? You have two options here: 1) Tell her to get her *** on a plane already and come to see you. If she values this "relationship" at all she will make an effort to come and see you in the next couple of weeks. I don't know what country she is coming from and where you live but unless she is coming from IRAN and you live in AMERICA, it shouldn't take 5 months. I had dual citizenship in three months, so I don't believe what she's saying. Like I said, tell her to get on a plane..... OR 2) Go out on dates, send her a "kiss of death" email and move on with your life. If you read some of my earlier posts here, I was in a lot deeper than you are right now and things got A LOT worse. She seems very controlling and manipulative now........FROM 6000 MILES AWAY!!!! Do you think that's going to change by being with her. Communication is the key to any relationship. Distances can always be worked out but if she's playing games like this already (Calls on Saturday Night) it's just the tip of the iceberg. I probably spent close to $20,000 traveling back and forth when I was with my ex, including an engagement ring. I took at 94% pay cut, teaching English. I went back to my old job and was passed over for a promotion because I was away so long (leave of absence) which costs me another $20,000. I have no vacation days or ANY days left since June. I lost a great apartment and turned in my old car instead of buying it (lease was up) because I was moving out of the country. Plus my parents (especially my mom) was hysterical that I was going to be so far away from them, even though they understood how much I love her. And we're not even getting into all the messed up things she did to me. We are just talking about sacrifices I made INITIALLY to be with her. Ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to go through this?? Because she's not moving. You have your answer.... Edited December 8, 2009 by DustySaltus
Author lostandalone1980 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 thank you for the perspective!
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