delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend (fiance even!) has called it off, not for the first time, but i think for the last. He's overseas and that makes it tougher, or maybe it makes it easier--I don't really know much of anything at the moment. Basically I'm hurting like crazy but I'm also thinking it's best to be out. My problem is in getting completely clear about that, as my ex is both pretty messed up, even abusive, and also the most wonderful person I've ever known. I've never loved anyone like this. So I guess I just need help understanding that this man, who i am so compatible with on so many levels, who feels like my best friend, who is my perfect messed-up match intellectually, emotionally, bodily etc., is not healthy for me and that letting him back in if he comes, let alone marrying him, would be a terrible mistake. I need the strength to leave him in my heart as he has left me. He has made me feel like he didn't want to be with me, he has been jealous and irrational, he has left me alone for a week when I've been ill, he has made me feel invisible, he has made me feel like I'm crazy, he has hit me, pushed me, thrown things at me, held me down, tried to destroy my property, and he has denied or minimized his physical assaults. He threatens to leave me routinely. He rages and gives me the silent treatment. He shuts me out and makes me feel like I'm nothing. In the past months, he's been mostly amazing, but we've also been apart. He's talked about feeling called to work on himself for our relationship, but I know change is hard to truly come by. He's depressive and penniless and I feel like I'd always have to take care of him. It's a nightmare, really, and yet there's all the other stuff. I have felt a cosmic connection with him (don't laugh, please) and that he is my soul mate. I feel ridiculous saying that. But when we're together and it's not torture, I am happier than I ever thought possible. I'm in bliss. I feel complete, as if he's my other half. Today, after a fight last night, he has deleted my presence from all our points of contact, all our blogs, all our social networking sites, and has trashed all my pictures and writings and everything else. It's a move meant to hurt me in the only way he can from 5000+ miles away. And it's a pretty clear break up. How can I take this as the gift that it is, and let go? Help?
condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi, wow you sound almost like me...just want to ask you a few things...why is he pennyless?....and may i ask your age?...mine did these kind of things to me...and maybe worse and the only thing i ache over now is that it was too bad he and I were different cuz we were amazing but he left me in the blissering cold too many times...and this final time was the worse, he put a restraining order for absolute NC...how bout that from my 6 year soulmate... It's hard sweety...the aloneness, the no want of anyone else in my life...i'm really sad but i try to say it to myself everyday that i am so better off...we truly do know in our hearts that we aren't supposed to be suffering with someone who in reality is truly toxic for us. I'm nowhere close to an expert just a woman so deeply hurt and all i can take with me is i will never allow myself to experience such pain again
Author delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Hi. I'm in my early thirties. He and I are exactly, like exactly, the same age. Just another one of our weird synchronicities. Anyway, he's penniless because basically he can't get a job and he's an artist and sort of accepts being broke. Unfortunately I don't seem to mind like I should, as I'm an artist too and I don't really care about a fancy life. I do, however, manage to do the work I have to to support myself. He's kind of helpless it seems. If you just listed his basic Life Skills resume, he'd look pretty bad. But of course I think he's brilliant and I value the artistic mastery he's developed. Doesn't pay the bills though. One of the nice things he had been doing was trying really hard to get money together for our visa process; it was another sign I thought meant he was growing up a bit and trying hard because of how important being together was to him. But really he's just as inconstant and changeable as ever. it's been tough to have him pull the rug out today, because we have been moving forward so intensely with the marriage plans; everything felt so real and serious and committed finally. Nope. Same old games, and a whole vision of the future gone. Ugggghhhhh. And yeah, I don't want anybody else. Can't even imagine it. I just don't understand how I got absorbed so completely in this person. I believed everything, enough for two. Which was important, since when he wasn't telling me I was his dream girl, he was acting like he didn't believe in me at all. It really was such pain, right next to all the joy I mean. God.
condogal Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi Del, i'm 35 my ex is 33...and my guy was a big money pincher, like taught me alot about interest rates and he was a great saver...an organized person...which i was following to be myself. What is happening now between the two of you btw? Isn't it wierd how we find them jerks but want to be with them forever??...for me it's like i'm so sad that he did so much harm to me, it's even bad within his family because i vented to them but in the end blood is thicker than water right?...he hates me for my drama ways of dealing with all the **** he's put me through, but why couldn't i help it?...why couldn't i have been a calm cool collected individual with his manipulations?...so what are you gonna do?...me it's just coping to everyday, i drink to just let the day go and to stay relaxed and try to sleep as much as i can...i'm really depressed and hope i can help you in some way. Thanks.
lostandalone1980 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 ouch...these must be difficult days for you. i think you're similar to me from what i've read. you're a love addict. you're addicted to him. you're addicted to the highs and lows. i had a great therapist who moved away, who used to have a chart kinda like for radio frequencies, where there were peaks in sound - too high, and it's a tinny shriek...too low, and it's a barely-audible muffle. i'm always living at the peaks and the troughs, where most people live somewhere in the comfortable middle. i think this may be true for you as well. nobody can really help you but yourself. i've thought recently, 'why can't anybody help me?' and yet the people who love me are trying - they ALL, and I mean ALL tell me to move on and leave my ldr gf behind...they can see it clearly from a detatched place, and they have my best interests at heart. so why can't i let go? you said you have a decent job...hopefully you have benefits...my advice therefore is to throw yourself at a therapist 2-3 times per week at minimum (perhaps you have one already), then at least you can look forward to that aspect of purging all this emotion from your system on a regular basis and hopefully gaining some positive growth-inducing perspective at the same time. and yet, your therapist will not be able to completely help you either... ...it's about just getting through the day, whatever it takes, for as long as you need to. i feel your pain, and wish you well.
Author delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thank you. I don't have benefits unfortunately, and I'm just scraping things together in a new city--don't even have a home yet. Great timing! I think obviously there must be something in how much I focus on him that has to do with so much else in my life being uncertain and in flux. We reach for anchors. But also I'm quite sure, lostandalone, that you are right about the love addiction. Even during the highs, I always felt fear that the level of intensity could not be sustained, and felt like I was falling each time there was a flagging in affection or focus. It's totally a cycle of addiction. And to think I had actually convinced myself, after these months of sweetness and devotion, that it could stay that way--maybe forever! It's laughable, but it's like I would believe anything in order to make this work, in order to be with him, in order to realize some dream of transcendent love or something. I woke up today feeling a little better, not only hurt and like my diaphragm had been ripped out, but like hey, it's not really fair to have a fight and cancel a person from your life. That's not a safe place to be, and it's not very nice. Someone who loves you should hold your heart gently. You should be able to fight and not be afraid your world is going to collapse. Love shouldn't have much to do with fear. Now I'm afraid to check my email for two reasons: one, that he has written, and I'll be helpless to respond, and two, that he hasn't, freshening the pain. He's even managed to mar the simple thing of waking up and checking my own email! Is there any part of my life not fused with him? Heh. But somehow, even though I'm hurting, I want time to be alone with this, and get my head on straight. I need time to let my own brain and self return, which they will. Quiet inside my head so that I can think for myself instead of only reacting to him, his absence or presence. Hmm.
Author delilah99 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Aaaaand...he's back. Again. Sort of. The worst part is that his email sounds so...reasonable. He points out my need to live in a fairytale of intense perfect love that doesn't leave any room for other stories, for negotiation, compromise--and he's right. My living there makes any perceived threat to that dream feel like a horrible injury and precludes him from bringing up issues, philosophical differences in how we see our relationship, for instance, without me freaking out and feeling like my crystal castle of soul mate love is being crushed. He's right. In a way my beautiful vision of us is a prison and a snare, as he says, that makes him have to be obedient to it or lose me. At the same time, he did pull the rug out, which isn't fair. He did dismantle all our shared creations in cyberspace. He did make me feel like I'm always at risk of losing what we have with one mistake, one fight. That's not right. I guess we both do that. God, now I don't know anything! Awesome. I'm going to go to work now and try to wrangle my brain.
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Make sure you don't keep going back to him. Better yet, conduct NC right away. He is emotionally abusive. Well, any ex that keeps breaking up then making up then breaking up and on and on seems completely unstable to me and not worthy of having a relationship. That kind of person preys on people like you. Your Ex KNOWS you still love him and he believes he can take a break at any given time and then come back when HE is ready. This must stop. I still love my ex too but I know who he is and even worse WHAT he is..a liar, a pathetic cheater and an all-around jerk. I deserve better and so do you!
condogal Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Hi! Lovelydaze, your right...i'm thinking your last words and they help me everyday...noone should have to live like that...although i am not perfect but i would have to say that my insane drama was definetely sucked out cuz of him...i'm usually shy and i've made somewhat scenes in front of his friends, family and coworkers...do i need to look more insane than that???!!!...i think not...i'm getting peace with my aloneness and getting clarity each and everyday that this was toxic for me and it is good that i'm away from it...i'm starting to plan on a vacation..(by myself)...which i've never done!!...so that is something to look forward to, right?
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