Question for the guys: I just don't get this!

[jenifer1972]

I need some opinions from guys. I am at a total loss to understand this.

 

I have been married for 9 months. (I am not young. 2nd marriage. I am 53, he is 42) Dated my husband for three yrs. Fabulous relationship overall. Love him to death and I believe he does too. He's very sexy, funny, gorgeous and has traveled almost the entire world so he is a fascinating person. I am no dog either.

 

The one big problem, is you guessed it, the internet! ,,, He kept a Myspace secret from me till 9 months into our relationship-I saw him on the site a number of times and he'd quickly minimize it when I walked by. Finally, I said show me what you just minimized. There were general friends on there but also 3 ex's he'd had sex with who were still sending suggestive little messages to him, plus pics of two more I found out later. I tried not to make an issue of it, but I finally couldn't take it anymore, him chatting with these women, we had a big fight and he closed it.

 

Anyway, he also looked at a lot of porn, (so what is new, yawn, right) but on my computer! That's how I found out. Not a terribly big deal, we watch it together but I felt there was A LOT of it, and I asked him if he was a sex addict. Of course the answer was no. He has had about 50 partners-girlfriends, ONS, a three way, he's very popular with women to say the least. Me, only two partners, so I have some trouble with his very high number.

 

Cut to 3 months before our wedding. I just had a hunch and did some searching and found out he belonged to ALT.com and he had just registered one month before (after we were engaged!)_ Anyway, the profile was not real, different town, and when I confronted him, and believe me, I was ticked and told him I wanted to call off the wedding, he said it was curiosity and the profile was just to get more access, not talk to any women. OK, fine, I can handle porn, but NOT talking to live women, so that made sense and I let it go.

 

I can deal with all of the above, but there is one thing that is just driving me nuts! I DON'T understand it at all. All of the above I can understand, kinda...

 

Anyway, he saves pictures of some women. Women from dating sites. One pic was a blonde from "F..metonite"- so not someone he could really meet up with, a bot essentially. Then he also seems to have a weakness for blonde women on Russian sites. He's put up several in the past in a file and I have seen them. Ones that want to chat, but I know he doesn't have an active profile there. He did this before we were engaged, and I have never talked to him about this aspect of the internet problem I have with him.

 

Anyway, I just have a "nose" for things. There is a file on our computer that I have never looked in. Lo and behold there it is in the middle of stuff, a picture of a new Russian whore from just 5 days ago, you know the kind you can click on and go to the site.

 

I am just at a loss! WHY does he SAVE pictures of other women. Porn, ok, but individual women, especially when he knows that is my line in the sand - other REAL women.

 

And don't say I'm not giving him enough. I want more than he does, and he gets to watch porn with me whenever he wants. Nothing off limits.

 

I don't think he is going to chat with them. I'd see a profile, and a credit card bill. But I am a beautiful blonde too.!! What is the deal here.? Hurts me so much that he singles some out and saves their pictures. I don't want to confront him and I am not going to.., I am tired of fighting over the internet. I just want to know what would possess him to do this? Help!

[Jaytb]

he's probably a sex addict.

[azilin]

I just want to know what would possess him to do this? Help!

He has some level of sex addiction. Probably fairly high. It is an addictive behavior, not rational, so don't try to fathom it.

 

You seem like a fairly non-judgmental person, and I applaud that. But I'd read up on the topic ... I don't know much about it but I'd be concerned about him acting on his impulses one day ... and the long term consequences of dealing with his lack of complete sexual exclusivity even if he doesn't physically act on it. It may be necessary to confront him and get him into treatment.

 

Despite the fact that men are more visually stimulated, etc., I and a lot of other men have no more clue than you what the thought process behind this more extreme sort of thing is. Most of us look at some porn out of curiosity, and quickly dismiss it as boring once the novelty wears off. Most of us completely outgrow it, and most of the rest indulge occasionally. The edge cases that become obsessed ... that I would think generally reveals deeper problems -- brain chemistry imbalance, and/or psychological issues. The truth is that good sex is between the ears, not the legs ... there is something inherently sick about obsession with sex organs apart from the total package of personality, romance, etc. It's inherently dehumanizing.

 

How do you know what he's thinking about when he makes love with you? He may need this stuff to get off. But it's like any other addiction -- you need more and more to sustain the high, I'd imagine.

 

I'm just saying, educate yourself about the course this kind of thing normally follows, and then deal with it accordingly. I doubt it's completely harmless.

[jenifer1972]

Thanks for the replies. I really would like some other guys to weigh in too.

 

Who really knows what their lover is thinking during making love? He seems connected to me, generally focuses on me, but of course one's mind can be anywhere.

 

I don't know if I am making too much of the individual picture thing, but it seems more DELIBERATE to save one woman's picture, than to just surf porn and then log off. Am I reading too much into that?

 

What kills me are his comments. He says, "I have no respect for Tiger Woods. He was living a double life." Hmmmm, really?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

There is a file on our computer that I have never looked in.

 

 

Oh yeah, we're all buying into that...

[jenifer1972]

Well, that last comment is not helpful. Don't comment if you just want to be mean. It was labeled as a "storage" file ok?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Nothing would make me more content than to explain something in words that would help you to feel better, but your post is just so filled with conflicting information, that we can't really understand what is accurate, and what isn't accurate.

 

"Nothing is off limits"

 

"Porn (is?) OK"

 

Somehow porn does not equate to "real" women

 

He is entitled to view porn with you as much as he wants, yet to possess various pictures of "real" women, assembled individually, isn't OK.

 

Why not see those individual pictures of so-called "real" women, as the prehistoric porn of the 1970's?

 

Or better yet, why not see those individual pictures of so-called "real" women as the female images which accompany 1-976 sex lines.

 

 

The right answer for you is likely to be different from the right answer for some other people, based on the fact that you're already married.

 

At any rate, you absolutely must have dialog with him on the subject of all of this porn, and your concerns regarding the porn.

 

At the very least it will release some pressure from within you.

 

Near the end you state flatly that you don't believe that he is going to chat with the ("real"?) women. That is a cause for relief on your part.

 

It all boils down to you and your husband neeeeeeeeeeding to get to know one another better.

 

Err on the side of making yourselves more vulnerable.

[jenifer1972]

Well, let me see if I can clarify things.

 

If he wants to look at porn when we are together I am ok with that. What bothered me in the past he would beg off sex on certain days and then I would see that those days he had been surfing porn by himself, so essentially that was taking away sexual attention we could have had together. And I never turn him down. I love being with him. Maybe he is just lazy on those days and looking for a quick fix? But he has said on those days, "I can't. I have to save myself for a few days before I can do it again," which obviously isn't true... He knows I don't like this but he'll probably do it anyway.

 

I have had so MANY talks with him. We are seeing a therapist, and one of the main issues is me not trusting him on the internet. Not only the porn, but the history of talking with exes secretly. He has said he won't do it any more and then I find he is saving pictures of specific women- I don't know-this seems worse to me because it is not just a bunch of generic whores in a video, but ONE he WANTS, that he then SAVES.

 

I confronted him at least four times on that sex profile, 2 times in front of a therapist, and he hedges, said he didn't do it, next time maybe he did but he can't remember, or he's not going to admit to something like that and get backed in a corner. I am worn out on the issue.

 

The therapist asked him point blank what I should do if I caught him again, and he said, confront me. That is fruitless, I have and he just denies that the sky is blue to me and the therapist.

 

After our last session, I felt beaten and that no matter how many times I tell him it hurts me, it doesn't matter to him, even though he loves me. He believes the internet is "not real". I think it can be a gateway if pursued frequently to real life cheating.

 

The other thing that really gets my ire up, this 22 year old he saved a pic of looks almost exactly like I did, 20 years ago....I guess what troubles me so much is it indicates a state of mind of "trolling", and "saving for future reference."

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well I do think you are taking the right steps... and the therapist really will help.

 

Just remember that the more you both GIVE to therapy, the more therapy can do for you in return.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Jennifer-

I'm sad to hear you're having problems, I hope you can work them out. While I believe some sort of compulsive or addictive behavior maybe going on here, in my experience (and opinion) most cases of "sex addiction" are in the eye of the beholder. I think a bigger part of the problem is simply mismatched value systems. You are 50-something and have had 2 sex partners your entire life. He is 40-something with 50+. Whether or not he WILL be monogamous with you I can't say, but I suspect if he were completely honest (perhaps with himself first) he'd say that monogamy is not something he desires in a relationship. Given your track record, I'd say you almost certainly do.

 

Whether or not you guys can make that work is up to you to figure out and decide, but in my experience a couple with one who admires and desires monogamy and one who does not is a train wreck waiting to happen.

[jenifer1972]

Thank you for all your responses, (except the one).

 

On so many other levels we have so much in common, but I think you are right, we have totally different values when it comes to sex. Perhaps I just need to be happy if he comes home to me every night, and never touches another real woman, and overlook internet indescretions? He really feels they are not real. He has mentioned this several times.

 

I have also wondered if I need to give him glimpses every now and then that I am desirable by others too? I have quite a few admirers, at work, etc, and even one old college friend who flew in last year for business and we had dinner for old times sake, who said after all these years, that I was the one he had wanted but didn't get. When he hears about them, he really perks his ears up. Maybe I should let him see he's not the only one that the other sex has the hots for!? I feel he sometimes subtely rubs it in that he was a playboy and had so many women. He is just darn hot and sexy. He drives me crazy in good and bad ways!

[Art_Critic]

It seems to me that you are in a lose/lose position.

 

He isn't going to change.. he certainly hasn't changed since you've married him..

 

I'd seriously be looking at the door if I were you.. he has zero respect for you or your marriage..

What do you think your future will look like ?

[sxyNYCcpl]

Perhaps I just need to be happy if he comes home to me every night, and never touches another real woman, and overlook internet indescretions? He really feels they are not real. He has mentioned this several times.

 

I don't know. Is such a thing okay for you? As a guy, it's easy for me to say (and mean) that pictures or online communications are meaningless (and to me, they are) but can you really accept that? I'm not saying I think you can't, or that you shouldn't, it's just that your frame of reference when it comes to all things related to sexuality is so very different from mine that I have a hard time relating.

 

I have also wondered if I need to give him glimpses every now and then that I am desirable by others too?

 

I personally like this. Many disagree. YMMV.

 

As I said above, I am so different from you that I have a hard time relating to where you are coming from. I've had more sexual partners in a few hours than you have in a lifetime, and I can't imagine being satisfied were I in your shoes. That said, my intuition is that not only are you satisfied, indeed I suspect you like the lack of sexual adventurousness in your life and wish to maintain the status quo. Your man, I suspect is more like me, though to what degree remains unknown. Does he truly want a monogamous relationship, or is he telling you what you want to hear, or even worse, saying so because he's been taught it's the only acceptable way? Only he knows the answer to that, and it's possible he's not even sure.

 

One thing I do know. If you desire life long monogamy and he does not (either for himself or for you both) that's a train wreck waiting to happen. Perhaps I am over analyzing, if so my apologies.

[sugarmomma]

Different values is the reaon for a lot of break ups. You value monogamy- he doesn't, which makes him extremely careless of your feelings. That won't work in a million years. You can stick your head in the sand and deny the reality but its still doesn't change the facts.

 

I had to learn this the hard way. The man I loved didn't value monogamy and I had to make the best decision for me. Iknow deep in my heart that I could never trust (another value I have) him and that is essential for any relationship to work. Sounds like you should have just kept him as a friend with benefits. I wouldn't have married him.

 

I wish you the best.

[jenifer1972]

Since he and I have such different backgrounds when it comes to sex, I am trying to just let this internet thing go and look at it as not reflective on me. I am so tired of confronting about it, I don't think I will do it again. It goes nowhere. Is it realistic to think that this can stop in virtual reality, and not "bleed into real life"? I think he has done this internet thing for many years, so I am doubtful that I can change that after all the counseling sessions we have had.

 

I am not a prude though. I just never had full on sex before being in a committed relationship because I don't trust guys -they can separate sex and love so easily, and I never wanted to be anyone's "kleenex" and I never have been. I also am a sensitive person who could never be a player so I would never even put a foot into that arena. Totally outmatched.

 

I quizzed him A LOT before I married him. He said his playboy days were over, he was tired of it, wanted a lover/best friend for life now. That he had never met a woman of more integrity, or more fascinating and funny and that he wanted me as his wife. I made it crystal clear that physical cheating would have high consequences, and I wrote them into my pre nup. I am a very tolerant nice person, but once I am betrayed I have a very strong vengeful streak.

 

I don't know. At this point I love him so much, I can only hope he will be a man of integrity and live up to the vows he made to me....

[sxyNYCcpl]

Is it realistic to think that this can stop in virtual reality, and not "bleed into real life"? I think he has done this internet thing for many years, so I am doubtful that I can change that after all the counseling sessions we have had.

 

Sure, it's possible that it will remain forever a "virtual" thing. Will it? No idea, no way for me to know.

 

I just never had full on sex before being in a committed relationship because I don't trust guys -they can separate sex and love so easily, and I never wanted to be anyone's "kleenex" and I never have been.

 

I would never counsel someone to live their life in a manner inconsistent with their values or desires. However, your use of the word "kleenex" to describe casual sex really causes me to question if you may have some hangups that need dealing with.

[sxyNYCcpl]

You value monogamy- he doesn't, which makes him extremely careless of your feelings.

 

No it doesn't. It makes them different. If he agrees to live monogamously, and then does not, that makes him careless of her feelings, and his word. Merely having a different opinion about the value (or lack thereof) of monogamy in general does not.

[jenifer1972]

Oh, I figured my "kleenex" comment might ruffle some feathers!

 

I don't understand "casual sex". How can something so intimate be casual? I have asked my husband this too, but he can't really answer, other than to say it is easier for men to separate sex and love.

 

I can see men liking it but I can't understand women who do it. Sex happens outside a man's body, it happens INSIDE a woman's most private part! I wouldn't even let a stranger drive my CAR, or wear my CLOTHES, let alone put his .....inside ME!! If I were that horny, I would take care of myself. I know where my hands have been. Ha:laugh:!

 

My husband can't even remember the NAMES of some of the women he has been with, he cared so LITTLE for them. They were just there to satisfy his lust and then he discarded them - exactly like kleenex! So if wanting to mean something to someone I give the most intimate part of myself to is being hung up, I guess I am. Interestingly, my husband has a real double standard too. He doesn't look at himself as a whore, but he looks at some of the women he has been with as "wayward".

[RobM]

Oh, I figured my "kleenex" comment might ruffle some feathers!

...

They were just there to satisfy his lust and then he discarded them - exactly like kleenex!

 

How do you know they didn't feel the same way about him?

[sxyNYCcpl]

Before you read this, understand that to a certain extent I am playing devils advocate. As I previously said, I would never counsel someone to live outside their value system. That said, your value system and mine are so radically different that it's an intellectual curiosity to me to examine it. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, nor vice versa, only that you fascinate me.

 

I don't understand "casual sex". How can something so intimate be casual?

 

What makes it so intimate? It's a physical act that causes pleasure (in theory) to all of the participants. In case you do not already know it from reading my prior posts, my wife and I are swingers, which means we routinely and frequently invite others into our bedroom to enjoy sexual experiences with us. They are fun, they are pleasurable, and while they're physically intimate I grant, they are not emotionally intimate. It's not uncommon that we do not even know our partners name, much less anything else about them. They are Mr./Mrs. Rightnow, and nothing more. Again, I understand that's not for you, please believe me when I say I'm not trying to convert you, merely to understand you.

 

 

I have asked my husband this too, but he can't really answer, other than to say it is easier for men to separate sex and love.

 

Societal brainwashing. Sex, if done right, is physically pleasurable for both genders, and need not have anything to do with love. Love, at least the romantic love associated with adult intimate relationships cannot exist without sex. Sex existing without love, on the other hand, is easy.

 

I can see men liking it but I can't understand women who do it. Sex happens outside a man's body, it happens INSIDE a woman's most private part!

 

Irrelevant. Seriously, what difference does it make, outside, inside, whatever. Males and females fit with each other and, as I previously said, if done right provide pleasure for both. Sex exists for two, and only two reasons. To procreate, and to recreate. Procreational sex is a VERY serious thing that should not be taken lightly. Recreational sex, on the other hand, is only about having a good time for all involved.

 

 

I wouldn't even let a stranger drive my CAR, or wear my CLOTHES, let alone put his .....inside ME!! If I were that horny, I would take care of myself. I know where my hands have been. Ha.

 

Well, letting a stranger drive your car could lead to the loss of your car, which is the second largest investment in most peoples lives. Letting people wear your clothes is a bit odd, but carries no real risk, unless you have very expensive clothing. OTOH, sexual contact carries the upside of sexual pleasure, and the downside of unwanted pregnancy and unwanted disease. If you can take steps to avoid that, there exists only upside. Not guaranteed, as technique is important, but the worst case is a lack of pleasure, which is guaranteed with no effort.

 

My husband can't even remember the NAMES of some of the women he has been with, he cared so LITTLE for them. They were just there to satisfy his lust and then he discarded them - exactly like kleenex! So if wanting to mean something to someone I give the most intimate part of myself to is being hung up, I guess I am. Interestingly, my husband has a real double standard too. He doesn't look at himself as a whore, but he looks at some of the women he has been with as "wayward".

 

Interesting. I thing I said earlier that I have had sex with women that not only did I not REMEMBER their names, in fact I NEVER knew them in the first place. And vice versa.

 

Did I use them? Perhaps. But then again, so did they to me. Am I offended? No. We experienced a mutually beneficial, mutually pleasurable activity. And we walked away and continued our lives as they were before we met.

 

No harm, no foul. In fact, we added joy to each other's lives even if only for a few minutes. Is that a bad thing? To me, no. To you, I suspect yes. Back to your original post and question, is your husband more like me or like you? Hard to say. Certainly, there was a moment he was more like me. Perhaps he has changed, certainly he claimed that he did. Whether or not that's true I cannot say.

 

Anyway, sorry for waxing philosophic for so long, I find it fascinating to talk about these issues with people who are diametrically opposed to me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sex happens outside a man's body, it happens INSIDE a woman's most private part!

 

 

This really IS a noteworthy difference, and it is very fair that you point it out, yet it might support the idea that it is mostly OK that women take intimate sexual matters a tad more personally than do some/many men.

 

My husband can't even remember the NAMES of some of the women he has been with, he cared so LITTLE for them. They were just there to satisfy his lust and then he discarded them - exactly like kleenex! So if wanting to mean something to someone I give the most intimate part of myself to is being hung up, I guess I am. Interestingly, my husband has a real double standard too. He doesn't look at himself as a whore, but he looks at some of the women he has been with as "wayward".

 

There is exactly nothing you've mentioned so far to suggest that your husband is a "whore", so no need to go there.

 

Furthermore, the most significant point you've made is that he is indeed your husband. So, given that we're going to choose to believe that he was vetted properly by both you and your family and friends back in the day, it makes sense to deal from this point forward. It doesn't do much good now to second-guess things he has previously expressed to you, the equation surrounding which equaled your acceptance of his proposal of marriage.

 

To me it seems the porn is of minimal concern, and you yourself stated that you don't believe that he is going to chat with any of the various women.

 

I think the "MySpace" (at his age) is cause for pause, but not too much. THe "F...metonite" and the various memberships are probably not good things.

 

At some point you're still going to have to accept that all women in porn, or on "F...metonite" ARE "real women" to at least somebody. Yet I still think that you yourself would be a lot less unique, and in ways quite dull IF there was no contrast in the way of "real women" by which he can better identify and appreciate YOUR unique appeal.

 

You say he has a thing for "blond women on Russian sites", and mention the blond from "F...metonite". Isn't it worth at least something to you that you can identify in him a liking for blonds?

 

I contend that it would take much more vulnerability from your angle to boldly reopen the topics of online porn, and simultaneously open your mind to hearing him express FREELY on each and every woman pictured... than it would to fly off the handle and slam doors in frustration while absolutely forbidding him to so much as turn on the computer.

 

The biggest puzzle is just whyyyyyyyyyyyyy women habitually react as they do to porn... in a way that always results in the husband/boyfriend/male retreating more TOWARD the porn and further away from the relationship.

 

What exactly is the goal in doing that?

 

It takes far more vulnerability to open your mind to those experiences which might come dangerously close to bruising your feelings than it does to slam the door and pout for a day, a week, a month, or eight years.

 

If it were your third date, that would be one thing, but you're already married, so it seems worth taking additional risks with your vulnerability in the way of an all-or-nothing gambit.

 

The alternative, obviously, is all-or-sleep-on-the-couch-for-8-years-while-keeping-the-neighbors-believing-that-you're-happy-go-lucky-and-entirely-in-love.

 

No one is truly enticed by that latter option.

[sugarmomma]

OP I'm with you. Casual sex does absolutely nothing for me. I don't want virtual strangers touching all over my body and exploring places I may not even know I have. Some people can do it and if its okay for them, no judgement from me.

 

Back to your OP, I think you should leave your husband alone regarding his activities and just decide if his behhavior is something that you can deal withthe rest of your life. You say that he knows if he sleeps with someone else that would be a dealbreaker, so he may or may not take that risk of losing you. I personally would get on with the business of enjoying my life and let him hang himself.

 

Good Luck to you.

[jenifer1972]

I also am enjoying dialoguing with people who have totally different views from me..

 

In answer to some of the questions, I would have to say that my husband's view of sex is probably not far from the views of sexyNYC. I have seen his profile on Amateur Match and it sounded very much like "please and be pleased and so long." I am very interested to talk to someone in the swinging lifestyle. I have only read other's dialogue, but never got to pick the brain of someone who does this. I have to ask, do you never feel any jealousy? With my ex, I could imagine such, perhaps, because I wasn't in love with him, but not with my current gorgeous husband. I would die if I saw him give his luscious popsicle to another woman, a thousand deaths! I have never been big on sharing with other women...ha.

 

I think, after discussing this here, I am never going to bring up this latest finding of mine. I have to learn how to deal with it and realize his past likely will follow him in some way. I also think as some of the posters have mentioned, that he has likely had a problem almost bordering on addiction to porn, curtailed probably only by my displeasure with the degree of it. I need to talk to him more about his views, it's just that in the past it has been a bit difficult, because he likes to change the subject. Once he said he was a bit embarrassed by his past and didn't want to talk about what it was like. hmmm. I actually am very curious and want to try to see it from his perspective

 

Truthfully, I wish it had just been a video and not one individual woman's picture, because we watch videos together. Just seems so INTENTIONAL, and focused on one specific OTHER woman.

 

However, I did choose to marry someone who had been a playboy. We are the quintissential "good girl" and "bad boy" and that is exciting in some ways for sure. I find him very exciting, mysterious, all that.

 

To answer another question, I think the reason most women react to SECRET porn and pictures, is we are jealous creatures, and we don't care much for sharing men in any way with other women. Men have always been more comfortable with polygamy, because they are historically the ones who got to have multiple partners, women didn't. Women just had to sit with the other wives and harp on each other and know the night he wasn't with them, he was with another. Ughhh, I would fall on a sword!

[sxyNYCcpl]

In answer to some of the questions, I would have to say that my husband's view of sex is probably not far from the views of sexyNYC.

 

You MAY be right, but perhaps not. After my first (disastrous) marriage dissolved I decided that I am who I am, and any woman who showed interest is going to know it all, good, bad, and ugly, very early in whatever relationship might develop. One thing I am NOT is monogamous. I have NO problem with emotional fidelity, but at the same time I have NO desire to live the rest of my life having sex with one, and only one woman. My current wife and I knew each other casually before my first marriage dissolved, and when it looked like we may be headed into *something*, I told her up front that I neither sought, nor offered, sexual monogamy in any relationship. I got lucky, in that she was on the same page, so at the end of the day it worked. But I suspect such a conversation goes badly more often than not.

 

I have seen his profile on Amateur Match and it sounded very much like "please and be pleased and so long." I am very interested to talk to someone in the swinging lifestyle. I have only read other's dialogue, but never got to pick the brain of someone who does this.

 

Feel free to pick away. The biggest difference between us swingers and "normal" folks is that we recognize that sexual activities are like any other recreational activity. Some folks like golf, some folks like tennis, others like casual sex. To me (and those like me) sex is nothing more significant than a tennis match, and it doesn't really matter who we're playing against.

 

I have to ask, do you never feel any jealousy?

 

None. I know, no matter what happens, no matter how much pleasure she may receive from man or woman that she's going home with me when the night is over. No reason to be jealous.

[carhill]

Whether or not you guys can make that work is up to you to figure out and decide, but in my experience a couple with one who admires and desires monogamy and one who does not is a train wreck waiting to happen.

OP, I think you should take a real hard look at this advice. You're 53, and nine months into a marriage that, by your own admission, has your good girl pitted against his bad boy.

 

My opinion might differ if he was transparent and open like SxyNYCcpl, but he apparently is not and IMO that is the crux of what is disrespecting yourself and your commitment.

 

I'm your age and I'd be taking a hard look at whether I'd want to spend my remaining life in such a dynamic. My perspective is far closer to yours than to that of SxyNYCcpl, but I respect how he has consistently and honestly portrayed the philosophy of swinging and recreational sex. You seem like an open minded and intelligent lady who's taking in all this opinion and forming your own conclusions for yourself. I wish you well in that endeavor and hope you find the answers you seek.