Need some

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I'll start this by acknowedging that I am being a completely selfish jerk. I know that is the comment that most of you will make any that may just be what I need to hear.

 

I had an affair on my wife last year that lasted for 8 months before an ex boyfriend of my mistress emailed my wife to end the affair. I really didn't know if things were going to work out as my wife wouldn't speak to me for week and during that time I continued to see the mistress. After twice being contacted by the teenage son of my mistress to say that we were still in contact, my wife threatened divorce.

 

We managed to patch things up based on many conditions being met; one of which being absolutely no contact. So I wrote a no contact email to her with my wife watching over my shoulder.

 

When I got involved in the affair I never wanted to leave my wife ( and then ) 9 month old son. My mistress had a terrible past of abuse and rape and childhood molestation and I ended up falling for her and wanted to break her pattern of abusive men. I am aware of how foolish this sounds coming from a man who is married but I wanted her to know what it felt like to genuinely loved and cared for. I felt bad for her son too who had never really had a father figure. She is a very beauitful woman and has always had a line up of men waiting to date her so I figured she would find someone else and move on within a month or two.

 

I have never been sexually satisfied with my wife as there are things that I like that she hates. We've been together 8 years and I would say that I have been indulged about 15-20 times. There has never been that "butterflies and fireworks" feeling with her but everything else about her was exactly what I wanted out of life. We share the same values ( or we were supposed to have until I screwed up ), wanted the same things out of life and never argued or fought. We are both very rational, reasonable, level headed people.

 

The sex with my mistress was everything I could ever hope for and more. I also felt an emotional bond with her that I had never felt with my wife. I was with a woman for 7 years before my wife that had also provided me with a strong emotional bond and amazing sex and I have always missed those since being together with my wife. My mistress and I share a love of writing and art and music and I found her so much easier to talk to and open up too. Going NC these past 5 months has not been easy for me.

 

Considering I never wanted to leave my family, things shouldn't seem this difficult. I love my son more than anything in this world and he certainly played a large role as to why I chose to stay with my wife. She didn't derserve to get hurt either and I do love her and have always pictured growing old with her. We took a week-long vacation together a couple months ago to try to re-kindle things. She knew that my sexual dissatisfaction played a large role in me straying from the marriage so she talked up about how wild and crazy things could be during a week away alone together. I had high hopes for the trip and she said she wanted to have sex everyday while we were away. We were away for 9 days and it wasn't until the 7th day that she even made a sexual gesture towards me. we both had alot of fun on our vacation but it failed miserably where I was hoping for it to make a difference.

 

I tell her I never wanted to leave her and that I still don't want to know but it's gotten to the point where I make excuses to avoid sex with her. Where as I used to complain about her lack of initiating, now I find myself turning her down because I have completely lost interest. I have been very stressed and depressed since coming back from our vacation as I want things to work but seem to have lost the emotions to be able to make it that way. My mistresses birthday is coming up in a few weeks and all along I have wanted to contact her to wish her a happy birthday. I hate to disappoint or hurt people. I'm supposed to be a "nice guy". My mistress has 2 children and the oldest lives with his father and has had no contact with her for 4 years. Her parents live in the same city as her and have not spoken to her in 5 years. They don't even send a christmas card for her son that lives with her. She has huge abandonment issues and I hate to have had to walk out on her without even so much as a real good-bye. She blamed me for everything wrong with her life by the end of things and as would be expected from a person with her past, she has some very serious issues and may be a complusive liar. Most people think it was her and not an ex or her son that emailed my wife to tell her of the affair or the continued contact. I still have feelings for her but I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep, I have chest pain due to stress and am just a complete mess to be honest. I don't want to leave my family for this woman but I don't have it in my to leave things as they were left. The guilt is killing me ( and yes I feel guilt for what I have done to my wife as well but God willing, hope I will have a lifetime to make it up to her ).

 

I have seen 2 separate councellors since the affair was exposed and the advice that both of them give me is to leave my marriage. They say that I had unmet sexual needs that my wife is unwilling or unable to satisfy and I will never be happy if I stay. I don't want to leave my family though. My wife is an amazing person but unfortunately, from a sexual standpoint it has become more like a friendship for me after years od sexual rejection and frustration.

 

As for contacting my mistress I know I can't let her birthday pass in good conscience. I'm not looking to rekindle anything and I am not looking to start a daily correspondance with her. If I contacted her and she was with someone else and happier than she has ever been then that would be the best news I could hear. I feel I am spinning my wheels in tryng to fix my marriage and the only advice my "professional help" gives me is to give up on my family and leave them for better sex. Please help me, I would really love to hear some opinions on my situions. Thank you for all your comments; be they positive or negative

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Just wanted to add....

 

If I contact my ex mistress then my options are to either contact her without my wife knowing or to ask her permission to do so.

 

If I contact her in secret then things could blow over without incident but then that does nothing to build on the openness and honesty required to patch things after an affair. There is also the very real possibility that "someone" from my mistresses's life contacts my wife if I say so much as "hello" to her. Her son did call my wife once so I do know it was him that time. I know the reason he did it is because he had never seen his mom so happy as when she was with me and he really liked me and figured that if he could get my wife to leave me then I would end up going to him and his mom.

 

If I asked my wife to contact her in order to try to fix myself so that I can be in a better situation to fix "us" she will tell me I am crazy to even ask ( and justifiably so ). The woman I was with before my wife cheated on me and left so I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence as well and I know I certainly wouldn't have supported her if she told me she needed to contact the guy she slept with in order to improve our relationship

[bentnotbroken]

Reverse the roles. You talk about what your wife hasn't done for you sexually(the excuse that makes it okay in your head to cheat)what have you done for her? What have you done to make her feel desirable and loved. Are you really all that in the sack or is all in your head? Have you asked her what she likes, dressed up for her, did the house work in your undies? Have you sought medical attention in case there is a medical basis for her low sex drive? If not, then you haven't done everything. And if you were to open that can worms with the ow again, if I were your wife, you would be out the door so fast it will make your behind think it was shot off by a rocket. In good conscious indeed. Where is that good conscious where your wife is concerned/

[Chrome Barracuda]

If you contact the Mistress in any form or manner the marriage will be over!!!

 

Your wife is unwilling to meet your sexual needs but you screwing other people aint gonna make it better!!! WTF was you thinking!!!

 

You have two choices leave for good sex and abandon your family for a woman who is a complete idiot! who cannot have stable relationships if her life depended on it!!!

 

Wow you sound like a broken record! what's more important your marriage or this woman. simple as that!

[Boundary Problem]

The no sex in your marriage is a huge problem.

 

But the Ex-Mistress isn't the answer. She has no contact with people that should be in her life (son, family). To me that says everything. A lot of people with "issues" make great parents and certainly don't lose custody of their children.

 

Perhaps neither woman will be a part of your future as your #1.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

In response to BentNotBroken

 

I do know my wife had been sexually satisfied in our relationship because it had always been a concern to me. I wanted to know what she liked and I did it for her; even though I felt she did not have the same concern for making sure that I got everything I wanted. Of course there would be room for improvement from my side, there always is. When we went to marriage councilling together the councillor asked how our sex life had been throughout our relationship and she said it had always been great.

 

It wasn't just the lack of sexual satisfaction because that had existed for the whole time we have been together and I was never tempted to cheat on her before. Sadly I played the clichee of the poor decision making neglected husband after the birth of a child. My mom always talked about how my Dad never changed a diaper or helped with any of us when we were babies and I was determined that I would not be the same way. When I got home from work I took over for her and told her she could relax or sleep or whatever she needed, I fed him, I changed his diapers, she never had to wash a dish all year. Our son was a horrible sleeper and many nights he was up constantly and between taking care of him and doing my job I might end up with 3 hours sleep in a night. My wife needed her 8 hours every night. Yet no matter what I did to help her out it was never enough to satisfy her and she said she felt like a single mother. If he woke up from a nap I would give her the option to relax while I took care of him but I wasn't extended the same courtesy, if he woke up and she took care of him then I was expected to do housework. I was over worked at work, dealing with a baby who wouldn't sleep and a wife who constantly let me know how little any thing I was appreciated no matter how hard I tried. With all of those things piled on top of each other that's when I slipped up. I certainly won't say that it makes it ok for me to cheat though. I screwed up and I screwed up in the worst possible way and I will not try to come up with a justification for it because there is none.

[2.50 a gallon]

Is she worth losing your son over?

 

I see lots of red flags in your first post, NC son / NC parents / she blames you / serious issues and maybe a compulsive liar / and you suspect that it was she who contacted you wife

 

You contact her and your mistress now has power over you? No matter how small of contact is I'd bet your wife is going to be contacted also.

 

How much pain is you wife willing to take before she files? You could end up paying another man to raise your son. Is it worth the price?

[Toki]

...perhaps, the councilors gave sound advice... and you're unwilling to accept their answers because you've wrapped yourself into this wholly unnecessary "good guy" image, you've justified your impulses on an emotional level, which makes the act acceptable to you, but at the same time insults your predefined conceded notion of loyalty or honor. Take a step back from what has happened, was anybody really better off for it? is your wife? the mistresses(s)? Are you?

 

Obviously, not everything in your life has been hunky-dory, not just because of your sexual needs not being met, but you're also under the impression that you're as much a slave to your wife, whom you view as the archetypal mother figure, so you're willing to gloss over that large chunk of emotional distress, as you are a slave to fulfillment, so you wallow in despair at not having the "Real" you being acknowledged for what it truly is. How long will it be until the facade cracks? That is entirely up to you, but trust me. It will.

 

So, now that you're playing damage control, take a minute to understand that this has always been about you. That every time you question the marriage, your wife, the situation in general... it's not about them at all; and you're not just hurting yourself for it, you're hurting everybody that is remotely close to you. Including your child. Sometimes calling a spade a spade, is exactly what needs to be done. You might have everyone else fooled, but it's awfully hard to fool yourself; and that's exactly what you're trying to do.

 

Don't leave your family because there's better sex out there, or because of some misogynistic fantasy you might have... you need to get yourself figured out. To understand and realize, that there is far more to this existence than trying to make everyone happy, while you duck your head down and sneak off into the shadows for a little soiree. That an ounce of honesty is worth far more than a ton of lies. Then maybe, just maybe... nobody will be made to have to suffer you.

 

The point is not to have your armor dented, because that's unavoidable, but to make it through with as few dents as possible.

[Fallen Angel]

Besides the issues that are going on in your marriage, If you cared at all just one tinny tiny bit for the OW, don't contact her. You won't be doing her any favors at all, to contact her would be selfish on your part. Your sense of guilt about missing her birthday and letting her down is very misguided. If you contact her, you will let her down even more because you will be giving her hope that you might come back to her.

 

 

I agree with BB on this part. ANY contact from you will lead to the building of false hope for the OW. If you love her, really care, and yet have no intention of leaving your marriage to be with her, then just let her go completely. Any contact with you at this point will start her over at day one on HER road to healing and recovery, not to mention the damage it will do to your already broken marriage.