sand26 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Not many poly folk on this board, FYI, and few people understanding of the lifestyle and values. Pretty traditional relationship values are the norm here. I can't tell. Are you saying I'm not welcome here?
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I can't tell. Are you saying I'm not welcome here? I doubt she's saying that. More likely just filling you in.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Thanks everyone who responded! Even the ones I did not respond back to were really helpful and I did read them! One additional question...yes, this is the guy that's been a friend but things got kind of complicated. Something similar happened to me once before. The guy was a friend and feelings developed. He was dating someone so I asked for time apart to clear my head about things. That "dreaded" space. Same thing happened with the other guy. He said he would give me space but didn't keep the distance for very long. Again, just like with this guy the same thing happened as I asked again. That guy did break up with the girl he was seeing and did want to date me. But I was so fed up with the whole thing by then that I wanted to keep the distance. So, my question is - why does a friend who knows you're struggling with feelings for them and wants to make the friendship part work not just give you the space to let that happen? Is it ego? Is it desire? Is it just being another messed up person? Thoughts? Thanks.
calizaggy Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 So, my question is - why does a friend who knows you're struggling with feelings for them and wants to make the friendship part work not just give you the space to let that happen? Is it ego? Is it desire? Is it just being another messed up person? Thoughts? Thanks. Doesn't it seem you are the messed up person? I mean you start something with a guy, then pull away.. The old push /pull.. Maybe take a break from sating until you fully clear your head. As for the guy, he is acting quite normal. He can either leave, or try to make one more effort. Why should he be waiting in limbo indefinately? Sometimes guys also think "Well maybe she is scared, so i will prove to her i really like her"
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Doesn't it seem you are the messed up person? I mean you start something with a guy, then pull away.. The old push /pull.. Maybe take a break from sating until you fully clear your head. As for the guy, he is acting quite normal. He can either leave, or try to make one more effort. Why should he be waiting in limbo indefinately? Sometimes guys also think "Well maybe she is scared, so i will prove to her i really like her" No, you've misunderstood. Currently, he's unavailable (dating someone) which is why I want the space to get my head back to normal.
deux ex machina Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I just had a man freak out at me when I (tried to) slow the pace. The phrase, "I need space" was used. I'm reading these responses and... Oh, snap.
carhill Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) So, my question is - why does a friend who knows you're struggling with feelings for them and wants to make the friendship part work not just give you the space to let that happen? Is it ego? Is it desire? Is it just being another messed up person? Thoughts?Insecure ego IMO. I think you know about my rubber band deal stretching over a couple decades, currently in NC (space) again. I personally see space as a healthy thing, in a friendship. It becomes a little more complicated when the lines of friendship blur into romance due to the emotions involved, but IMO can still be managed with dignity and respect. It takes both parties working together to effect that. If one does their part and the other does not, it calls the friendship into question. That sounds like what you're dealing with. The men should respect your boundary. You're not married or in a committed relationship with them. If in those situations, like in my M, I feel things should be worked out together as much as possible, with as little 'space' as absolutely necessary. Our MC specifically worked to get us cohabiting since, as he put it, 'you can't work on a marriage if you're not together'. He was right. Edited December 9, 2009 by carhill
Ruby Slippers Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I can't tell. Are you saying I'm not welcome here? Not at all. Just a friendly warning. I have some poly acquaintances, and I find some value in some of their values. I particularly admire their emphasis on being secure in yourself, not being jealous or possessive, and cultivating your own rich life regardless of romantic involvements. I am totally a free-thinking artist, so I welcome all the alternative lifestyle folks we can get here.
sand26 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Not at all. Just a friendly warning. I have some poly acquaintances, and I find some value in some of their values. I particularly admire their emphasis on being secure in yourself, not being jealous or possessive, and cultivating your own rich life regardless of romantic involvements. I am totally a free-thinking artist, so I welcome all the alternative lifestyle folks we can get here. Dope-sauce Ruby. I post here from time to time and by no means do I consider myself a new member. I value people's opinions who are in traditional relationships also. Was just clarifying where I come from so there wouldn't be misunderstanding.
thegreatmoose Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This makes a lot of sense. In my experience though when I've felt the need for space I've not been able to say it would be a day or two. But that is generally all I need. So from now on I'll quantitate it better. Thanks. Thanks. What you could do is after the day or two have a short talk and tell him you need another day or two if needed. When someone just disappears for an unknown amount of time, it is often very upsetting to the other person. It doesn't matter if it's the man or the woman. Now if he objects to a day or two or something reasonable, that is his problem.
azilin Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Sadly, I think you're the most accurate answer here. When you really do just want some space that is when they pursue the most. Yes, it's their nature. Like your advice. Thanks! I can't think of anything more inconsiderate, self-absorbed and cowardly than to just disappear on him. You're guaranteed to hurt his feelings. For God's sake, talk to him. Tell him just what you said here: you have some baggage / issues you need to deal with that are preventing you from moving forward. You need some time to deal with it. Don't make it open-ended, either; if it needs to be open ended then you ARE breaking up and you need to be straight about that, too. I am currently giving my GF space for similar reasons. She's worth waiting for, for a few months. I won't do it forever. I disagree with the posters who say it's always indicative of wanting to be unfaithful or wanting to break up. There are times -- such as when you're grieving a loss or dealing with identity-related issues, financial pressures and certain other personal crises, where you simply have to pull back and focus in order to deal with it, and you can't conduct a romantic relationship at the same time. All that said, it's NEVER right to hide, be dishonest, or back off from even an implicit commitment without giving someone who cares about you the explanation they deserve. If you don't want to be accountable, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I disagree with the posters who say it's always indicative of wanting to be unfaithful or wanting to break up. There are times -- such as when you're grieving a loss or dealing with identity-related issues, financial pressures and certain other personal crises, where you simply have to pull back and focus in order to deal with it, and you can't conduct a romantic relationship at the same time. . Oh you'll be back when you learn about this the hard way. Sharon, you should take permanent space from those guys youre dating with gf's. THEY shouldnt be chasing you, and you shouldnt fall for it. How bout cutting those guys off, and starting new with guys that DONT have girlfriends already?
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Oh you'll be back when you learn about this the hard way. Sharon, you should take permanent space from those guys youre dating with gf's. THEY shouldnt be chasing you, and you shouldnt fall for it. How bout cutting those guys off, and starting new with guys that DONT have girlfriends already? Thanks boogieboy. You're very smart. I am enjoying my break from this guy. And I am open to meeting someone new, and unattached. Unfortunately, it was a good situation with him that turned bad. We really were good friends. We were both single. I think he was interested in me all along. My feelings kind of came to the surface when he started dating this girl a few weeks ago. The situation only became messy in the last week or so. Now we're far apart for the next week or so while I'm away. Hopefully, this will be time for things to sort themselves out in both our heads. Otherwise, I will be moving on. I do not believe he's a player. I think all these feelings just took both of us by surprise and, well, yeah... but it's not going to continue. Promise you that!
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