callingyouuu Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Wow, sorry to interject here. But it seems to make a guy want a woman more. Why is that??? You always want what you can't have! It's why mastering the art of push and pull in a relationship is often key to getting what you want. Just in this case, you just want to do some pushing and no pulling... When I hear "I need space", I don't have to be told twice; the best thing for the guy to do is just move on. If she decides she doesn't want that space anymore, she's going to have to find me because I won't be waiting for her.
Sam Spade Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Pulling back will make them pursue. It is just their nature. . For whatever delusional reason it is only women who believe that crap Any sane man would just assume that girl who pulls back is not interested and will move on. The only men you can get through this technique are the needy wheenies.
clundquist Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 well i feel the need to pursue it more but women act off emotion and men act of logic. So i use logic to play the emotions. When a woman states they need space you just simply turn it around. You say "i'm glad you said that because i have been thinking the same thing, a break up/space i think is the best thing for us." then leave it at that, don't contact don't so anything, then they are like...**** i shouldn't have done that. i saved a good relationship doing this. we have now been going strong for about.... 4 years now.
Sam Spade Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 well i feel the need to pursue it more but women act off emotion and men act of logic. So i use logic to play the emotions. When a woman states they need space you just simply turn it around. You say "i'm glad you said that because i have been thinking the same thing, a break up/space i think is the best thing for us." then leave it at that, don't contact don't so anything, then they are like...**** i shouldn't have done that. i saved a good relationship doing this. we have now been going strong for about.... 4 years now. haha, good job
thegreatmoose Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 There's also a big difference between when someone says they need "two or three days" and need "space". The "need space" thing means an indefinite amount of time. It means one partner is made to wait for the other partner as long as they want. It's not always the woman who does it. Men can do this to women just as easily. Either way, it's not right to cut the other partner out for an indefinite amount of time with no good explanation.
Woggle Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Many men do chase more but I don't. If a woman does not want me around I will get lost but I will stay lost even if she changes her mind. Seperation is a one way ticket in my world.
CaliGuy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Anyone else notice that every single man in this thread has said asking for space is a dealbreaker. And every single woman has said that men will pursue you more if you ask for space? It's a dealbreaker because for the most part, when a woman OR man asks for space, it's because their feelings are no longer the same. Having space doesn't usually make them want you back. It usually solidifies their independence from you.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Great responses. I tend to agree with Enema. I think men will say it makes them not want the girl but human nature just doesn't work that way and I've seen tons of men do just the opposite. Men probably want to believe they would walk away, and some probably would, but there is a significant number who would chase. My friend respectfully gave me space for almost an entire day but then initiated again.
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Definitely can't speak for other men but, IME, every time a woman has indicated to me that my presence was no longer desired in her life, whether that be a friend, dating, a relationship or a marriage, I accepted those words as honest reflections of her perspective. The most work I did as a result of that acceptance was in my marriage. Once she desired to live separately, I accepted that. Life is too short to burden myself with psychological games of chance. Too many adventures still to experience
ADF Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 In my experience, when a woman (or a man, for that matter) says, "I need space," it means two things, and two things only: 1) She (he) wants out of the relationship, because 2) she (he) has met someone else. So, to answer your question, when someone tell me they need space, I give it to them. Lots of it. Forever.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Definitely can't speak for other men but, IME, every time a woman has indicated to me that my presence was no longer desired in her life, whether that be a friend, dating, a relationship or a marriage, I accepted those words as honest reflections of her perspective. The most work I did as a result of that acceptance was in my marriage. Once she desired to live separately, I accepted that. Life is too short to burden myself with psychological games of chance. Too many adventures still to experience I'm not talking about ending it. I'm talking about a little space. Like, just get out of my face for a day or two so I can figure out what's going on in my head. It doesn't mean goodbye. In my experience, most guys (not pointing at you) can handle that for about a day.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 In my experience, when a woman (or a man, for that matter) says, "I need space," it means two things, and two things only: 1) She (he) wants out of the relationship, because 2) she (he) has met someone else. So, to answer your question, when someone tell me they need space, I give it to them. Lots of it. Forever. Those aren't always the reasons a woman wants space. A lot of time it's so they can figure out their thoughts with you out of their face. It's when the woman is pushed that they end up wanting out of the relationship. And I think a lot of guys do end up pushing which is why that experience is so prevelant. In theory, of course, we all would end it. In practice, if you're in love it can feel like the end of the world to give someone a few days.
thegreatmoose Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm not talking about ending it. I'm talking about a little space. Like, just get out of my face for a day or two so I can figure out what's going on in my head. It doesn't mean goodbye. In my experience, most guys (not pointing at you) can handle that for about a day. The word "space" is a very explosive word to use. Nearly all men feel it's the end of a relationship when it's used. Asking for a day or two on the other hand can be reasonable. He needs to know that it's a day or two beforehand. Maybe even tell him you will be busy over the next two days.
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I'm not talking about ending it. I'm talking about a little space. Like, just get out of my face for a day or two so I can figure out what's going on in my head. It doesn't mean goodbye. In my experience, most guys (not pointing at you) can handle that for about a day. That's always been a integral part of any relationship I've been involved in. Stbx wanted her 'space'- I set her up at my mom's house, including satellite TV, DSL and furniture. Need a couple days at sis's? No worries. I'm not a territorial male who keeps a woman on a leash. Perhaps other men are. They should be able to make it a day. I agree. That said, if I get the impression I'm not wanted around anymore, bing boom bang, I'm outta there. I believe women and men should own their perspectives, equally. Words and actions have consequences. I learned that from my stbx
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 The word "space" is a very explosive word to use. Nearly all men feel it's the end of a relationship when it's used. Asking for a day or two on the other hand can be reasonable. He needs to know that it's a day or two beforehand. Maybe even tell him you will be busy over the next two days. This makes a lot of sense. In my experience though when I've felt the need for space I've not been able to say it would be a day or two. But that is generally all I need. So from now on I'll quantitate it better. Thanks.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 That's always been a integral part of any relationship I've been involved in. Stbx wanted her 'space'- I set her up at my mom's house, including satellite TV, DSL and furniture. Need a couple days at sis's? No worries. I'm not a territorial male who keeps a woman on a leash. Perhaps other men are. They should be able to make it a day. I agree. That said, if I get the impression I'm not wanted around anymore, bing boom bang, I'm outta there. I believe women and men should own their perspectives, equally. Words and actions have consequences. I learned that from my stbx I think a lot of times the person asking for space isn't entirely sure what they want, which is why they want the space to begin with. So, it can be hard on the person being asked to get out of the way since it's so unclear and the future seems so uncertain. The last thing any of us wants is to be where we're not wanted. Let me ask you this though, how many men do you feel can wait for the woman to come to them while taking their space? In my experience, the men don't generally wait. They can hold out only so long and then they are right back in your face. Of course, this is not all men but what is it that makes a man not just hold back and let the woman initiate?
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Let me ask you this though, how many men do you feel can wait for the woman to come to them while taking their space? In my experience, the men don't generally wait. They can hold out only so long and then they are right back in your face.As most men are competitive and territorial and I presume you're talking about most men, they see 'waiting' as a threat to both their dominance and territory. Another male can move in and steal their property (the female) or get a competitive advantage causing him to lose status amongst males. I see this all the time. There are no swords and fists generally, but rather social status indicators (read 'power') and money. It's actually kind of fun to watch, if a little barbaric. Humans are an interesting species So, when a woman asks for 'space', meaning no contact for a day or three, the man's mind goes into overdrive, examining all potentials, remembering all known competitors, both real or imagined, and cooking up all kinds of scenarios in that little cinema he calls a brain. He literally sees potentials in his mind, visually. Because men are taught to stuff their emotions down and use logic, this dynamic becomes very frustrating to him and he is driven to relieve the emotional pressure by finding what is really going on with his woman. One perspective of many. Hope it helps
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Well it can usually mean two things she might need to focus on her priorities or she's into someone else. and wants distance to pursue it. No good can come from a woman or man saying I need space...
sand26 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 After 4 months my GF asked me for space. I said "no problem honey" and about three weeks later we started seeing each other regularly again. We have always been polyamorous so it had nothing to do with another lover. She just wasn't sure she wanted a relationship right then, needed to focus on other stuff. We have been going great ever since, never fought, lied, hurt each other etc. If she or any of my lovers asked for space today I would do the exact same. I think a lot of responses to this thread have been really defensive and immature (JMO). I say tell him what you need and if he is too childish or his ego is too big to realize that it might not even be about him and he has to leave you.... then good riddance. Some people are so insecure.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I think a lot of responses to this thread have been really defensive and immature (JMO). I say tell him what you need and if he is too childish or his ego is too big to realize that it might not even be about him and he has to leave you.... then good riddance. Some people are so insecure. Not many poly folk on this board, FYI, and few people understanding of the lifestyle and values. Pretty traditional relationship values are the norm here.
samspade Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Do you generally understand or does it make you pursue more? I genuinely want some space for just a little while. Don't want a big dramatic thing. What's the best way to go about it? I think: This relationship is over - because it is.
threebyfate Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Sharon, if this is the same guy as your other thread, he's just a friend who also has a girlfriend. Space with a friend, is no big deal. You've got to stop thinking of him like a romantic interest.
sumdude Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Well the last time I heard "I need some space" was my ex wife. Two weeks later I'm at work and she calls me "I moved out." Not too long after that "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Followed sometime later by "I'm married to xxxx now." So that's what it means to me. Next time I hear it I'll pretty much assume the gig is up and time to let her have all the space outside my door. So don't use that exact phrase unless you think the relationship is over and want the guy to totally leave you alone OR get all clingy.
Author Sharon1961 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Sharon, if this is the same guy as your other thread, he's just a friend who also has a girlfriend. Space with a friend, is no big deal. You've got to stop thinking of him like a romantic interest. No kidding! haha I am aware of that. I've tried to explain to him that our friendship is stressing me out but he won't leave me alone. After the first time I pulled away he sent me a message really upset that I wouldn't talk to him. The next time he came looking for me after less than a day. This friendship has gone from one of solace to one of making a mess in my head. I'm glad I'm going to have a break to regain my sanity. During this next week while I'm away I'm going to try and not respond to his messages if he emails. Just cut contact for a bit and clear my head.
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