Hannah86 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 My boyfriend and I were a great couple since I met him in mid-June. We talked a lot, went to a lot of parties together, met a lot of his friends, he met mine. However, even though we agreed to not date/see other people, he was freaked out by labels and refused to call me his girlfriend even though I fully believed we had been at this stage for a while, especially since his friends have said I'm his girlfriend in passing and no awkwardness ensued. On our third agrument about this, all three times initiated by him reminding me that I'm not his girlfriend (obviously the longer you know the person the more it hurts for him to say "we're not together") I told him I needed some time to think about us and that he should figure out what he wants, too. He didn't contact me for a week, i didn't contact him either, and his lack of desire to fix us upset me more. I walked away and told him he ruined us. He told me to remember the good times and to not let a label get in the way of what we are, and that he didn't understand that it was his job to call. I told him I deserve better than that and canceled a date party I invited him to and told him I will be taking someone else. He immediately sent me a long, apologetic email agreeing with all of my points and said it was his fault for ruining us. I was cold, sent him a two-sentencer telling him to pick up his things, they'll be in my mailbox and he can leave mine in there. He has contacted me every day since we broke up (well, 3 days ago, so three times) and I haven't responded to them. They are kind, wishing me happy holidays and then telling me about something that reminded him of me. I just wish he had done it the week before I dumped him instead of now. I just need your help figuring out if I should continue to ignore him so he can miss me. Or, should I be happy he's sort of changing for me and go LC? note: he has an abusive mother and I think this has made him love fighting with me and love working for my affection. Sometimes he is absolutely perfect, like he is being now, but the reason why we broke up is because he said he doesn't consider us together, which is very hurtful. In the meantime, I have two dates lined up next week but obviously I can't get him out of my head at the moment.
oneandone Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I was in a similar position with the last girl I dated. She acted like my gf, would tell friends we were together, have me meet her family, friends, etc. but was always freaked out by "labeling" our situation. She would bring up out of the blue how were not together or cant have a "bf" (after telling me she basically loved me the day before) and so I cut her off. I am starting to lose my patience with people like this. They want their cake and eat it too and it gets frustrating continuously feeding it to them. If he really cared about you like he says then any label on your situation shouldnt even matter. You have the upper hand right now with how you played it and having other guys set up to move onto. He has no options so thats why hes being so nice. If you think hes worth the wait and you could see him eventually committing then I think you should just contact him and talk about making it work one more time. Just let it be known you have too much self respect to play second fiddle to any other girls in his life. If after a few months hes still acting this way, then you know you are completely wasting your time.
Author Hannah86 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Thank you. It is frusterating, because it felt insincere and it's almost like it's the one thing he have to hold over me. It would also be different if I were, as a typical female, pressuring him to label us but he was actually the one who brought it up at random, inconvenient times that we weren't together. I felt much closer to him at times than anyone else in the world. I also knew he wasn't messing around with other girls. We definitely trusted each other. It just hurt that he would tell me we weren't dating when I was so sure we were, and everyone else around us assumed so because we were so cute together and spent so much time together. I deserve commitment. I deserve someone that will call me when he thinks we're on the rocks. But, now he apologizes and has contacted me everyday now that it's over with. DRAMA! Maybe I'll let him really fight for me if this is what he likes to do so much.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Ah, the old too-little, too-late scenario. I have been there many times. He deserves to sweat this out for a while, regardless of what you decide (and I think in order for you to get back together, you REQUIRE commitment out of him. because what he is doing is avoiding the label so that if he sees another door he wants to take, he can say, "what? its not like we were REAL bf/gf, right?" that kind of crap. do not let that sh*t fly - and sh*t is exactly what it is) that way he really has a chance to find out what life is like without you and yes, miss you. He will keep up the ante, and will continue to worry himself about losing you. Let him.
DenverBachelor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Okay people listen up -- this is really simple. If you're dating someone, it doesn't mean you two are exclusive. Dating means to go on dates -- it means you're dating your progress. Example: Susan thinks Jack is pretty cool and has been dating him for 2 months. Jack thinks Susan is hot as hell and loves being able to bang her and then bang other chicks -- it's cool because Jack knows they're just dating. Now if you're DATING someone and you feel like you want them all to yourself, you ask to become exclusive. You don't have to say, "will you be my boyfriend?" and then flap your eyelids and give puppy dog eyes. You just say, "hey Jack, we've been dating for three months now and I feel it is getting serious. I'd like to be exclusive." Jack then says, "Susan, I've been banging you for three months and I've realized that you are a psycho so I'm actually not interested. But we can still go on dates!" People get all worked up about this. When you are dating, you aren't exclusive. If you or your partner just "assume" things than that's when everything goes to ****. Someone has to be clear and set boundaries and those usually get applied using "labels." If people can't handle labels then they are merely making excuses to try and eat as much cake before the cake is gone.
Author Hannah86 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 DenverBachelor, I absolutely agree with you and that is why I was so confused with him! One month after "dating" and getting to know each other, HE suggested that we not see anyone else and be exclusive. He had actually mentioned it about a week before while we were drunk at a bar and I coyly suggested we talk about it sober, which we did. It was his decision, twice over, to be exclusive. Three months after that, he told me we're not in a relationship. That doesn't make any sense to me. He said it's because he doesn't know me that well. I feel like this is him jerking me around and playing games because we were together, exclusive, yadda yadda but he told me I was not his girlfriend.
DenverBachelor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 DenverBachelor, I absolutely agree with you and that is why I was so confused with him! One month after "dating" and getting to know each other, HE suggested that we not see anyone else and be exclusive. He had actually mentioned it about a week before while we were drunk at a bar and I coyly suggested we talk about it sober, which we did. It was his decision, twice over, to be exclusive. Three months after that, he told me we're not in a relationship. That doesn't make any sense to me. He said it's because he doesn't know me that well. I feel like this is him jerking me around and playing games because we were together, exclusive, yadda yadda but he told me I was not his girlfriend. If he says you're exclusive but not in a relationship, that means he's jerking you around and using semantics to eat more cake while keeping you on a leash. Kick his ass to the curb and find a guy who understands what exclusive means.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 ...playing games because we were together, exclusive, yadda yadda but he told me I was not his girlfriend. What on EARTH is his definition of a girlfriend, that he is so scared of?!
Author Hannah86 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Well, when we talked about it civilly, he said he doesn't consider a girl to be his girlfriend until it's serious. I tried to be understanding and go with it since we were exclusive and acting as a couple anyway. Four months in, I don't expect him to say "I love you" but I do expect exclusivity, dates, "nights in" and texts/emails/calls which we did everyday. I didn't feel the need to pressure him into a label because everything else was perfect. He's the one that rudely reminded me that we were not dating and that's why it hurt. He is apologizing for it now and I'm not sure if I should ignore him or be happy that he's sort of doing what I want. Actually, since he knows I've been on dates with others he might be turned off at the idea. What do you think?
billy356 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Okay people listen up -- this is really simple. If you're dating someone, it doesn't mean you two are exclusive. Dating means to go on dates -- it means you're dating your progress. Example: Susan thinks Jack is pretty cool and has been dating him for 2 months. Jack thinks Susan is hot as hell and loves being able to bang her and then bang other chicks -- it's cool because Jack knows they're just dating. Now if you're DATING someone and you feel like you want them all to yourself, you ask to become exclusive. You don't have to say, "will you be my boyfriend?" and then flap your eyelids and give puppy dog eyes. You just say, "hey Jack, we've been dating for three months now and I feel it is getting serious. I'd like to be exclusive." Jack then says, "Susan, I've been banging you for three months and I've realized that you are a psycho so I'm actually not interested. But we can still go on dates!" People get all worked up about this. When you are dating, you aren't exclusive. If you or your partner just "assume" things than that's when everything goes to ****. Someone has to be clear and set boundaries and those usually get applied using "labels." If people can't handle labels then they are merely making excuses to try and eat as much cake before the cake is gone. outstanding Denver, outstanding
lostandalone1980 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 hannah, it sounds to me like you have done the right thing at every turn, no matter how hard it may have been for you, and you should be commended for sticking to your guns. go on these 2 dates. maybe adopt the mindset of trying to make the evening enjoyable for these 2 new men you will see - in other words, rather than evaluating these new guys, try instead to just be kind totally non-evaluative with them...i have a feeling this mindset will help. please don't cancel your dates, those guys will be hurt (to some extent however small) and it will reinforce that narcissistic 'feeling sorry for yourself' mood that i personally know can be very comfortable (and totally counterproductive) for me. good luck and stay strong.
oneandone Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 This is scary how much it sounds like my last dating experience. I was completely confused also by the same reasons you stated above. That girl acted the exact same way and I played it just like you did. Was patient, never brought up commitment, and just went with the flow. The only difference is, I lost my patience and ruined anything we could have had when we were at the stage you are currently in. Just like you said above, when they bring up out of the blue how "were not together" it makes you feel as if they are setting rules and are searching for something better. Pride ended up being a double edged sword for me in this situation. Obviously we all know just dating someone doesnt mean you're exclusive by any means. You can figure out that game when you're in high school. Its just the fact that when the other person is bringing you closer to them and wants to not see other people, then why do they shy away when it comes to a label or getting serious? Whats the difference really? Maybe they jumped the gun on their feelings without thinking about long term consequences? It still confuses me to this day. I dont ever do this to others unless I know I want to be serious or at least grow into a couple down the road. I would never tell a girl I dont want her to see other men and I care about her like no other, and then try to get with other women or tell people "oh but were not together." Thats just disrespectful in my opinion. Anyways, sorry for the rant. Here is what I recommend... I would just continue to see if hes truly sorry and wants to make it work with you, and then just go back to your guys' "relationship." If he does it again, then yeah you deserve better. But it seems as if you still really like this guy and have something you both recognize as special. Dont let a little misunderstanding get in the way of what could be a beautiful relationship. This is still the early stages and little tests like this could work out as a good thing and keeps him on his toes.
oneandone Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Also, dont force anything on this guy. I mean do you really want to force a relationship on someone? So you can break up a couple months later, or catch him cheating? There are other ways to make it work if he truly means that much to you. Just be patient and keep the lines of communication flowing. If you feel in your gut that hes still jerking you around, then you know what to do. But if you feel like hes the one, then it could be well worth the wait.
Author Hannah86 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Felt the need to update... On Monday I contacted him and suggested we get drinks. He said he was surprised because when I broke up with him on Thursday I was so set on breaking up with him and ending everything with him. I told him that I interpreted his texts and emails as him trying to work things out with me, and he said that wasn't his intention. Ugg. We discussed my change of heart for about two hours but he never said that he did, or didn't want to get drinks. He was just surprised. I took the hint that he just wasn't that interested anymore, and was obviously hurt and felt vulnerable but I'm glad I gave it one last shot, so now it's not my fault, but his, that we couldn't work things out. I told him to please not contact me for a while, and he got upset. I told him talking to him any longer will upset me, and I'm not going to flatter him anymore. He said he wasn't trying to be flattered but needed to think about it all. I blocked him on msn, unfriended his friends on facebook (but not him, I want him to yearn for me and look at my stuff) and deleted his numbers from my phone. Did not talk Tuesday. Did not talk Wednesday. Wednesday night some girlfriends and I threw a party at a bar, a public party, and I told him about it like four weeks ago when we were together. HE SHOWED UP! Granted, he was with two friends that were likely invited, but HE SHOWED UP TO MY PARTY. We didn't talk the whole time but made awkward eye contact. I tried to be a bigger, classier person and not hit on guys in front of him. One of my friends asked him why he was there and he didn't really have an answer. He told another friend that he wasn't just not going to come because I was there. I bought those friends and myself some drinks on his tab and then went home before he did. The nerve of him to show up. Continuing NC forever. We will never, ever work out.
Author Hannah86 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Oh, and the friends acted on their own to tell me, and I told them that I didn't really care or mind that he was there. *whew* putting up a cold front is HARD!
bluestraps Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Basicaly I have nothing prophetic to add new to add except that you dont know what you have till its gone .
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