harmony24 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Here's the deets. I met my boyfriend on a matchmaking site. When we met he had a really good job and seemed to have a lot going for him. We'd go out all the time, he would drop money on me, be affectionate, and always call me before bed. The decline: he lost his good job. He had to leave his nice apartment. During this time I enlisted my friends to help him move, I tried to keep him upbeat while he found a new job. He found a job and a place to live, but the job only paid him about 1/3rd of what he used to make. I found out about his HUGE debt and horrible credit that we never really talked about while he had his good job. He enlisted in some very engaging volunteer work that was very time consuming... our relationship suffered because he was always exhausted and always busy. We fought about how he didnt make time for me. I would do things around his apartment to help him out... do his dishes, do his laundry. Pay for groceries because he overdrafted his account. Make sure he was taken care of. He said he would make it up to me for neglecting me. He didnt. Now that his volunteer thing has ended, he is depressed and has nothing to distract him from his situation but video games. We dont go out because it hurts his pride to have me pay for things. I have gained weight, and that affects our relationship too. I went from a size 13 to a 16. We only have sex once or twice a month. He says he loves me, and despite all of the bad things, I still love him too. But he's 26 years old. I feel that he's too old to be depressed about his situation and to be spending so much time on video games. I feel that he should take charge and make his situation better... or at least find a silver lining in it (he has a place to live, a job, even if its a bad one, and a girlfriend who cares enough to try and help.) I feel like we've come to a standstill. He's the first person I've ever loved... and its hard to break it off. I know it will probably be for the best, but it still is hard, and I really want to make it work... but I feel like I've done all that I can to salvage our relationship. So. How do you break up with someone you love?
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well you make the decision about how honest you are going to be. Why don't you say "look this relationship is exhausting me, and I need a break and I need some time to myself to focus on me". Sort of gives him a hint that he has been taking advantage, yet reaffirms that you are putting yourself first. Basically he needs to grow up, and he can do it on his time, not yours. But you can't really say that. The grocery bill, the video games - all strike me as a man who is still sort of living like a teenager. I guess you like being a bit of a caretaker girlfriend. The problem is that is very emotionally draining (because they never change, so it is like pouring love into a bucket with holes in the bottom).
GrayClouds Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Here's the deets. I met my boyfriend on a matchmaking site. When we met he had a really good job and seemed to have a lot going for him. We'd go out all the time, he would drop money on me, be affectionate, and always call me before bed. The decline: he lost his good job. He had to leave his nice apartment. During this time I enlisted my friends to help him move, I tried to keep him upbeat while he found a new job. He found a job and a place to live, but the job only paid him about 1/3rd of what he used to make. I found out about his HUGE debt and horrible credit that we never really talked about while he had his good job. He enlisted in some very engaging volunteer work that was very time consuming... our relationship suffered because he was always exhausted and always busy. We fought about how he didnt make time for me. I would do things around his apartment to help him out... do his dishes, do his laundry. Pay for groceries because he overdrafted his account. Make sure he was taken care of. He said he would make it up to me for neglecting me. He didnt. Now that his volunteer thing has ended, he is depressed and has nothing to distract him from his situation but video games. We dont go out because it hurts his pride to have me pay for things. I have gained weight, and that affects our relationship too. I went from a size 13 to a 16. We only have sex once or twice a month. He says he loves me, and despite all of the bad things, I still love him too. But he's 26 years old. I feel that he's too old to be depressed about his situation and to be spending so much time on video games. I feel that he should take charge and make his situation better... or at least find a silver lining in it (he has a place to live, a job, even if its a bad one, and a girlfriend who cares enough to try and help.) I feel like we've come to a standstill. He's the first person I've ever loved... and its hard to break it off. I know it will probably be for the best, but it still is hard, and I really want to make it work... but I feel like I've done all that I can to salvage our relationship. So. How do you break up with someone you love? WOW, you are showing real depth and understanding. In fact the definition of love is bail on the person you claim to love when things get tuff. and kick them hard when they are down. How about sitting down with him and telling that you two need to make changes in your lives because the current situation is hurting your relationship Have some specific ideas on how to do that, like: you both could use an exercise program, possible go to some councoling, both joining a volunteer program, starting a new hobbie, dates that do not take money.
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I don't think there is enough here to warrant him fixing his problems on her time. He's 26 with debt and "bad credit", with no assets to show for those debts. He is in financial trouble and he does volunteer work while his girlfriend bails out his grocery bill. He plays video games (major pet peeve of mine). The sex life ain't great. Bascially he needs to man up - and a swift kick in the balls will do the trick. Drum roll........who do you think will pay for counseling? Her. My advice is invest NOTHING more in this relationship until he starts hitting the ball out of the park consistently.
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 when your needs are not being met, you cannot go out of your way trying to do nice things for him with hopes that he will repay you. It creates an emotional debt that, ontop of his fiscal pressures, is overlapping on his ego. We know when it is over, and you do sound like you have a good grasp on the situation. you are not happy. You come first, if he is not going to look out for you, who is? You are! This is just not worth waiting out, I have seen it a million times. Unfortunately, you are being an enabler by helping - despite your good intentions. He will remain stagnant until somethhing puts a fire under his a$$. You packing your bags and walking away will definitely be a start for the both of you on a brighter path, perhaps together, perhaps not. But something, ANYthing...needs to change. Whats that silly saying, if you always do whatcha always do, you'll always get what you always got. something like that.
Author harmony24 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 Thank you guys so much. It was hard... today I found out he broke a date to go get high with his friends. I was upset. I tried to express that I was upset. He got angry and refused to talk to me. I told him that he shouldnt be angry because nothing bad happened to him... something bad happened to me and he should stop making it about him. Insert a few cold, sarcastic remarks on his part. And I told him never to call me again. A few hours later I got a phone call and two texts saying that he's ready to talk. *deep breath* Havent responded. I'm trying to hold by ground. Am incredibly sad. And reading your responses is helping. A lot. Thank you so, so much.
dashing daisy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 What do you mean trying to hold your ground? Are you thinking that you are just going to let this fight be the end of your relationship, and you can ignore him and he'll figure it out? If you want to break up with him, break up with him, but saying "never call me again" after a fight, is not a real break up. Let yourself cool down, then sit down with him and have the conversation. After that you can go NC so both of you can move on.
Author harmony24 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I've tried that. Every time I try to sit him down and talk with him face to face about things I think are serious problems (in a very calm, no accusatory way), he first gets angry and tries to throw me out. Then he lets me stay and wont talk to me. So I talk and say what I have to. Then he tells me he loves me and doesnt want to break up. I ask him how he shows it, or what kind of effort he's made. He says, "I drive out and see you whenever I can." (which is hardly ever) and then I ask him what he thinks I've done to keep this relationship working. And then he promises to make it up to me, tells me he loves me, asks me to sleep over (not the "wink-wink-nudge-nudge" kind of sleepover). Rolls on his side and snores. And never changes. I tried to break up with him twice but always get suckered with how much he tells me he loves me and how he'll try to make it work. He just doesnt. I've talked so much and tried to find appropriate times to try and talk it out together, but its always fruitless. I dont feel like breaking up with him over the phone isnt a real breakup. I've tried doing it the nice fair way.
Denamarie Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 I think it's obvious that you know how you feel and that you are able to justify the reason for the breakup. I think you need to pre-plan what you are going to do after your break up with him... like delete his number from your phone, block calls? get a gym membership, take dance classes, go back to school. I am only saying this because I have found for myself and for many of my friends that if we don't busy ourselves after a breakup then we end up 1.) jumping into another relationship too quickly or 2.) getting back together with the guy we broke up with or sometimes obsessing over the guy we broke up with (like constantly checking emails or phone calls or driving past his house. ugh!) So I think it is important to have a break up plan. What you can say to him is just what you have told us. Be honest with him. I was told once that people can NOT make you happy. Happiness is a state of mind. You could do anything and everything for him and he will still not be happy. I suggest you let him get out of his funk on his own and you take care of yourself....it's not your responsibility to help him.
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