KellyP Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi everyone. I'm trying to help a close friend who has recently gone through a divorce. He has been divorced since August and when his wife left she insisted that they would be friends! Even though she had been quite ugly during the very short seperation (May) Come early last month he receives an E-mail from her about whats going on in her life etc and he pretty much blows her off, she replies again with a little more information including that shes low on money. he says it was a gut feeling on his part and that she didn't ask. He forwarded her some money but didn't see her or speak to her, just left a check on her car for her. After that she sent a series of E-mails wishing him good wishes and Happy Thanksgiving etc. Even asking that he give her best to his family. After this positive contact I have been trying to convince him to contact her again, just maybe for some coffee or something as friends just to see where her mind is right now. He patently refuses even though he has nothing really to lose, it's not like shes going to divorce him again! I do realize i'm being very nosy here, but he has been very hurt by her leaving and i have honestly never seen anyone love somebody as much as he loved her, and just want to see him have the chance to be happy again. I would really appreciate some feedback one way or the other.
soheartbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well Kelly, maybe this isn't what you want to hear. Sounds like she contacted him for money, and all the well-wishing etc. is just a way to set herself up to ask for more favours in the future. This breaks my heart. She left him, correct? I call bullsh*t on her coming around to ask for money. I think your friend can go one of two ways: 1. Try one last time, with all his effort, to reach out and get her back. 2. Close the door. Treat the ex as dead. Grieve the death, which means complete and total NC (I assume there are no children). Send a goodbye letter, ask ex not to contact him for 4 years. This in-between stuff is killer.
confused71 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Hi everyone. I'm trying to help a close friend who has recently gone through a divorce. He has been divorced since August and when his wife left she insisted that they would be friends! Even though she had been quite ugly during the very short seperation (May) QUOTE] It always amazes me when my ex insists we will be friends after all the horrible crazy things she put me through. My advice would be the same as was given to FL98 in a thread about him wanting to contact his stbxw for one last go at covincing her to come back. If your friends ex is not begging him to come back and saying she is sorry and will do anything to repair relationship....then he shouldnt even give her the time of day. And dont give any more money. I helped my ex recently with money when she claimed to be desperate....only to find out she had moved OM into the house that same week.
soheartbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 :mad: Why the frowns Tojaz. Was it something I said?
curiou Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 My advice is that any money that he can spare to give her, he should instead use to max out his Roth IRA. I'm not kidding.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Kelly when your spouse abandons you, You become someone different, this man, your friend doesnt want to be in contact because he wants to move on. Simple as that, why should he want to jeopardize his heart again with a woman who could destroy him again? Why, let him be happy on his own dont remind him of what she did. You should encourage him to find happiness. It isnt with his ex, why dont you take him out for a bite to eat, talk to him, go to a movie. Listen to him.
EcstasyX6 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I've learned through lots of listening, that people who have been left handle things based on their perspective on life. Some can objectively, still love the person,let them go, and remain friends. Others want to never see the person again for the rest of their lives because the pain is too great. Let your friend handle this in a way that's comfortable for him right now. In time, he may be able to handle talking to her or e-mailing occasionally, or he may choose to cut all contact with her. I agree with CB for once, just listen to him.
mark982 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 as you said,you're being nosy. be there to support him in his wish of no contact. though you're well meaning,it's no what he wants or needs. all the x is after is to remain friends so she can hit him up again for more $$.
tojaz Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Why the frowns Tojaz. Was it something I said? No SHB, the frowns aren't for you. Me and Kel have been friends for close to 26 years. This thread is about me. Kel dosen't seem to see that the ex is not interested in talking with me. Thats why shes gone! My whole divorce most business and everything else has been conducted through E-mail because the woman cannot bear to be in the same room with me, or even talk on the phone! Yes, I gave her some money. That money was an advance on her D settlement and would have been paid to her anyways, even then, after pulling her out of debt the thanks I got was a short E-mail and nothing more. CB said it best! This woman destroyed me and enjoyed doing it! Every time we have been in the same room has ended the same, me depressed and rejected and her leaving in tears same with a phone call. I'm sorry Kel but the Holidays are going to be hard enough without reliving my divorce all over again. Maybe shes dropping hints and maybe not, but I'm not going to stick my neck out for a hint. That being said, Kel has been a great friend through all of this and despite living in Cali and having her own relationship troubles, she has done whatever she could to be there for me and gone to great expense to fly in whenever she could. I know your hearts in the right place but I think your misreading the whole situation. TOJAZ
Author KellyP Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 I'm sorry "Tojaz" this is the only way I thought you would listen. Just like your not going to stick your neck out, then neither is she. Did you tell the people here that she took back all the terrible things she said about you? I think you told me she said it was because she had been apart from you that made her see that! Now more time has passed and she made a point of telling you how things are hard for her and shes not all that happy, and she keeps insisting that you call her if you need anything! You said she also made it clear that she wasn't seeing anyone. I think thats a pretty big hint but I also think she has a lot of pride and can't make the first move. Please think about it, I think someone here would agree that it's worth a shot.
soheartbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 It's worth a shot but only if you're willing to get your heart trampled on again. And not many of us want to give our exes that chance again.
hopesndreams Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 If she can't swallow her pride and make things right, then why bother? She's the one that had an OM, wanted the M to end so it's all down to her. Tojaz sits back and waits for the grovel, otherwise it is all pointless. She could just be playing games. How does the BS know, with certainty that the, in this case, ex, wants to make a go of things and not just be friends? Tojaz, just move on. You are worth so much more than this woman, who use to be your W. She's not the same person. She ripped your heart out and so easily can do it again.
tojaz Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Don't think I don't consider it, because I do, everyday, but like H&D said, I'm not going to let my heart get broken again based on a whim or a hint. Its pretty much just being held together by scotch tape and chewing gum as it is. If it was truly what she wanted she knows where to find me. TOJAZ
Ronni_W Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 After this positive contact I have been trying to convince him to contact her again, just maybe for some coffee or something as friends just to see where her mind is right now. He patently refuses even though he has nothing really to lose, it's not like shes going to divorce him again! Kelly, I not seeing that as "positive contact" on the part of your friend's ex, just self-interested BS. Give him (your friend) a little bit of "positive" crap now...and maybe he'll come through with some more money, next time. It's manipulative, is how I'm seeing it. I think your friend has much more to lose than just his ex not divorcing him again! There is his dignity and self-respect to be considered, too. He needs to act in ways that will allow HIM to look at HIMSELF in the mirror every morning and night. I do appreciate that you are acting in a way that you genuinely believe is in your friend's best interest, though. And "he" obviously appreciates it, too
tojaz Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Ronnis right Kel, I'm sure of it. On top of that Kel, you got me into the whole horoscope thing, heres mine today. CANCER>> Romantic complications are in your stars today. Possibly an ex has shown up and is now acting jealous. Don't open this can of worms. Be kind and polite but not too accessible. Your ex may have his or her own secret agenda that you don't want to put your love through.
GoodDad Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 LOL! Damn Tojaz... I was just sitting here lurking and I almost choked on my drink reading this thread and then your post on today's horoscope. I had to sign in to post. Well played sir...well played. Game-Set-Match! GD
MrMayI Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 t, you know i can speak on this matter now. i say don't. don't do it. the road to even the possibility of reconciliation is paved with booby traps at just about every turn. i can say that my ex told me over dinner a couple days ago that she can now see her stupidity. that's not a confession. that's not remorse. that's just saying she knows she was stupid. well, guess what chica!!! the whole ****ing world knows you did stupid ****! on a lighter note, i have a new interest. she lives several hours drive away, but she is i'm still going to entertain the ex's seeming interest, but i can't exhaust so much time thinking about it anymore.
LisaUk Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 MayI, good to "see" you, was wondering how you are? Tojaz, I think you're right, she knows where you are.
trippi1432 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 The way I see it, your friend has the best of intentions...I had a friend several months ago who was in denial about my separation and it was not helpful for moving on. Eventually she realized that moving on was about not putting up with STBXH BS and is supportive of me finding me but she thought my ex walked on water (she didn't have to live with him). Just yesterday she was telling me that I have not been myself for the 3 weeks that ex broke LC, she realized that for Trippi to be Trippi, I have to move on. Sometimes it's easier to see things through rose-colored glasses than to look at things objectively as they really are. The day that you are ready to see the ex objectively and know what you will and won't put up with, find that strength inside yourself, it will be hard to get that closure. Once you are able to do that, you can have that cup of coffee with her to gauge where things truly are. If it's not meant to be, you can at least walk away knowing that you did everything you could. The last thing you would want back is someone who winds up coming back out of guilt or remorse for what they have done. You will never really know if they truly love you or if you were just a soft place to fall....what was familiar or easy to be with. I'm not totally against asking her out for a cup of coffee, but until you can see the reality of the relationship now, with both forgiveness for yourself and knowing what is really best for you....you could be setting yourself up for getting your heart trampled again. Second chances are so hard, been there so many times...thirds, fourths....eventually you just have to see it for what it is and move on. For some it's easier than others.
MrMayI Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 hey lisa and everyone. i'm good. just have decided that i'm all over the place, all of the time. so, i don't see the point in posting as much. the ex and i are close. very close to something indeed. i REALLY like this other girl i've been talking daily too, for hours on end. we have everything in common, and the same beliefs and ideals. she's moving closer to my area in the spring, so something may bloom besides the flowers in march. anyway, i do still have a candle out for the ex, and she's inching toward telling me what i want to hear. t, be careful. with your heart and your mind. you guys are all great, and we're all okay. i promise.
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