rollercoaster after affair...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im interested to hear from those who have either been in an affair or who's spouse was in an affair that was discovered and how things went while reconciling the marriage.

 

my situation was we immediately decided to work on things. started mc. now it seems that H is having more difficulty with this than ever before. hes not sure he can stay. im not sure if its right for him to stay when we're not getting along.

 

so basically i want to know how the ups and downs went. did you decide to work on it, then decide to leave, then go back? did you decide to work on it, realize it wasnt going to work and then leave? did you originally leave only to calm down and go back to work on the M?

[eeyore1981]

im interested to hear from those who have either been in an affair or who's spouse was in an affair that was discovered and how things went while reconciling the marriage.

 

my situation was we immediately decided to work on things. started mc. now it seems that H is having more difficulty with this than ever before. hes not sure he can stay. im not sure if its right for him to stay when we're not getting along.

 

so basically i want to know how the ups and downs went. did you decide to work on it, then decide to leave, then go back? did you decide to work on it, realize it wasnt going to work and then leave? did you originally leave only to calm down and go back to work on the M?

 

My marriage, we have had a lot of ups and downs. He has threatened to leave a few times in the heat of the moment, but for him it's more something to say to distract from what is being discussed. I have decided to leave many, many times, and have made plans, but then we have talked, and I have stayed.

 

Most of the time I was able to go on with my life. Eventually, however, something would trigger this, and it might make me a little upset all the way up to being completely overwhelmed by what has happened.

 

There were other things for me as well that were upsetting. For example, I am not someone who cares about snooping. After D-day, I was obsessed with checking his every move, which he had no complaints about, but it made me so angry and crazy to feel the need to do this. Not how I wanted to be spending my life.

 

I know you still work with your OM, and I'll be honest, if my H was in any position to have any contact with his fling, I would be gone. The only way we are still together is for her to be completely out of his life, and completely out of mine. Even if it was a situation where she was still trying to have contact and he wanted no part of it, I would still be gone. I don't need that kind of crap in my life.

[Owl]

I'm five years past d-day...and my marriage is well recovered from the affair.

 

There were definitely times in the first year when we didn't look like we'd get here.

 

ESPECIALLY during the early months when NC for life was not firmly in place.

 

And honestly, I suspect that's the reason you're really not moving forward in the recovery process.

 

OM is still contacting you. YOU have taken no firm, concrete steps to end that contact. Instead, you're still dwelling and obsessing over what's going on in his life, rather than focusing on fixing the damage done in your marriage.

 

You still work with him...you still concern yourself with what could be going on in his marriage, in his life.

 

It's hardly surprising that your husband and your marriage aren't healing when you look at it from that perspective.

 

Now...it's not unusual for this to happen...but the longer this goes on, the less chance you have for any kind of marital recovery. There's only so much damage ANYONE can continue to take before they simply no longer are able to recover and continue to love the person who's doing the damage to them. Your husband is no longer positive that things can recover because YOU haven't made any progress or changes to safeguard and protect his love.

 

Until YOU make the change...you can continue to expect things to go downhill in the same fashion that they've been doing.

 

Not trying to 'rip you up'...but being honest about your odds of recovery by continuing the same behavior that you've been doing.

[Owl]

MBEG, I just read your reponse to another thread on the OW board about the "generalizations" as you put it here on LS.

 

I'd like to challenge you.

 

Rather than complain about the "generalizations" that you see...instead, try implementing them and prove that they don't work.

 

You've noted here that recovery isn't moving forward for you. But I challenge you that the primary reason your marriage isn't recovering is because you're not taking the steps that you need to in order to successfully recover your marriage.

 

Rather than complain about the "generalizations" and at the same time post that your marriage isn't improving...embrace the enemy.

 

Try implementing those things that you're resisting. Try actually going full blown NC...breaking off any and all contact. Try following those steps that you feel are so "general"...and see if there's any improvement in your situation.

 

Don't blow them off just because you don't care for the "one size fits most" concept.

 

There's a reason why people recommend them...I'd tell you that I suggest the advice I give because it worked for me. And my long term experience on this site has shown me over and over and over that these are nearly always the "best steps" to accomplish the goals you claim you desire.

 

And interestingly enough, you'd be amazed at the people who come back here and say "wow, I fought and fought, but when I finally did what was suggested, it worked!". Add in the number of others who come back and say "I wish I had followed the advice I was given here..." and you start to see ANOTHER pattern.

 

Which of these two groups do you want to be in?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Thanks eeyore for the response.

 

Owl, im not really sure what to say. Sounds like youre bashing here or have some other reason to respond the way you have.

 

Sorry for being harsh myself, im just not in the mood for such today.

 

I in no way asked anything about my own personal situation. I asked about others, how things happened, what their experiences were so that i could be aware of the different paths this may follow.

 

I didnt ask for an analysis of my life, my choices, or your interpretation of my words. I certainly did not ask for you to look at my other posts and draw conclusions, somehow tie this into other topics in my life and then give me your calculations on if my marriage will recover or not.

 

I was simply asking what has happened in others situations.

[confusedinkansas]

Rollercoaster - Well, the only ride I went on was the one in my own head. My husband didn't 'make things miserable, question everything 24/7, didn't have difficulty with the Stay or Go option"

I DID! And, until I learned to totally, completely 100% LET GO of the other man - things were NOT great. They were OK (fine) but not great!

As far as "Getting Along" goes - No married couple gets along 100% of the time. There will A L W A Y S be issues. You just have to choose which way you'll handle them. Do you run every time it gets hard? Do you stay & tough it out? Only you know the answers to those questions.

BUT - If YOU want things to work out - this other man needs to be out of your life - OR if he MUST be in your life because of work - You need to wrap your head around the fact that you are with your husband & not waiting for this MM to suddenly decide he wants you......Does that make sense? Just pulling from my own emotions/experiences.

[Owl]

Thanks eeyore for the response.

 

Owl, im not really sure what to say. Sounds like youre bashing here or have some other reason to respond the way you have.

 

Sorry for being harsh myself, im just not in the mood for such today.

 

I in no way asked anything about my own personal situation. I asked about others, how things happened, what their experiences were so that i could be aware of the different paths this may follow.

 

I didnt ask for an analysis of my life, my choices, or your interpretation of my words. I certainly did not ask for you to look at my other posts and draw conclusions, somehow tie this into other topics in my life and then give me your calculations on if my marriage will recover or not.

 

I was simply asking what has happened in others situations.

 

Fair enough. I'll post to your threads no longer. Good luck.

[fooled once]

MBEG, I just read your reponse to another thread on the OW board about the "generalizations" as you put it here on LS.

 

I'd like to challenge you.

 

Rather than complain about the "generalizations" that you see...instead, try implementing them and prove that they don't work.

 

You've noted here that recovery isn't moving forward for you. But I challenge you that the primary reason your marriage isn't recovering is because you're not taking the steps that you need to in order to successfully recover your marriage.

 

Rather than complain about the "generalizations" and at the same time post that your marriage isn't improving...embrace the enemy.

 

Try implementing those things that you're resisting. Try actually going full blown NC...breaking off any and all contact. Try following those steps that you feel are so "general"...and see if there's any improvement in your situation.

 

Don't blow them off just because you don't care for the "one size fits most" concept.

 

There's a reason why people recommend them...I'd tell you that I suggest the advice I give because it worked for me. And my long term experience on this site has shown me over and over and over that these are nearly always the "best steps" to accomplish the goals you claim you desire.

 

And interestingly enough, you'd be amazed at the people who come back here and say "wow, I fought and fought, but when I finally did what was suggested, it worked!". Add in the number of others who come back and say "I wish I had followed the advice I was given here..." and you start to see ANOTHER pattern.

 

Which of these two groups do you want to be in?

 

OWl, this post and your other one - excellent posts!

 

I agree with you - I think the OP is too focused on the MM still.

[anne1707]

OWl, this post and your other one - excellent posts!

 

I agree with you - I think the OP is too focused on the MM still.

 

Totally agree. I thought MBEG was finally getting it the other day but it does not appear to be the case. Owl probably helped me more than anybody else here on LS when I started posting. He does not bash, he supports and encourages, helping those in the fog see through all the ****.

 

The OP is still not ready or does not want to be ready for that. It's sad because as Owl said, the longer this goes on the less chance her marriage stands.

[Dexter Morgan]

im interested to hear from those who have either been in an affair or who's spouse was in an affair that was discovered and how things went while reconciling the marriage.

 

my situation was we immediately decided to work on things. started mc. now it seems that H is having more difficulty with this than ever before. hes not sure he can stay.

 

thats because, I believe, that alot of people, myself included, when finding out about an affair become desperate and we are scared to death of breaking up our children's home....even if we weren't the ones that cheated in the marriage.

 

Your husband was probably consumed with grief and desperation and thought initially that he wants this to work and could forgive you because of the things that would be lost, like the family being torn apart.

 

Now that the shock of what you have done is over, he is probably rethinking things....as I did.

 

 

so basically i want to know how the ups and downs went. did you decide to work on it, then decide to leave, then go back? did you decide to work on it, realize it wasnt going to work and then leave? did you originally leave only to calm down and go back to work on the M?

 

i calmed down after thinking I could stay for the kids, then I realized I deserved better and filed....never once looking back and thinking I could go back and work on it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks eeyore for the response.

 

Owl, im not really sure what to say. Sounds like youre bashing here or have some other reason to respond the way you have.

 

Sorry for being harsh myself, im just not in the mood for such today.

 

I in no way asked anything about my own personal situation. I asked about others, how things happened, what their experiences were so that i could be aware of the different paths this may follow.

 

you are the one that brought up your situation and asserted that you felt he shouldn't stay.....so yes, you really did ask about your situation by interjecting it into the conversation.

 

"my situation was we immediately decided to work on things. started mc. now it seems that H is having more difficulty with this than ever before. hes not sure he can stay. im not sure if its right for him to stay when we're not getting along."

 

 

I was simply asking what has happened in others situations.

 

again, by putting your situation out there, you invited people to comment on it.

 

If you were just "simply asking" what happened with others, then you should have left the comment about your marriage out of the post.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually dexter you are incorrect.

 

i added the part about my own personal only because i think its fair for the posters on this particular board to know who they are speaking to. in fact, i ALWAYS try to introduce myself as the xOW etc.

 

i was explaining WHY i was asking the question and answering the question for myself at the same time. not asking for an opinion on how i live my life. if i would have not commented on this there would have been the "if your marriage is great why are you asking this" type comments.

 

so basically i want to know how the ups and downs went. did you decide to work on it, then decide to leave, then go back? did you decide to work on it, realize it wasnt going to work and then leave? did you originally leave only to calm down and go back to work on the M?

 

there was no part of I, Me, any of my situation in any of those questions. i was asking others to share their personal experiences. to compare, see what the norm was, find out what to expect or see how others have handled these situations. at no time did i ask for an analysis of my job or my family or my focus on my xmm.

[2sunny]

OP your defenses are up - and as long as it stays this way your M will not recover or move in a positive direction.

 

Owl made some very pertinent suggestions for YOU - of which were quickly dismissed.

 

he has been absent for a while and you just pushed away your best probable chance for growth by telling him to buzz off.

 

if the defenses stay high - your M is surely doomed.

 

i don't blame Owl for leaving your thread - i am just sad for you and the benefit you COULD have had in his infinite wisdom. he's tough - but for good reason... the folks over the years that take his advice have certainly made amazing and wonderful progress in repairing their marriages.

 

if this is not what you're looking for - at least be honest with those of us that post here so that we can also understand that we don't need to waste time and energy trying to help if that's not what you need.

[2sunny]

have you gone no contact with your OM? if you haven't - then no wonder your H isn't thrilled about working on the M... who would be happy about that? what specific things have you changed since DDay?

[PhoenixRise]

MBEG

 

I have to say that based on your OP in this thread it did read like you wanted/were asking for guidance on your own situation because you did mention how your reconciliation was going before you asked the question.

 

I think that most of the people who post here regularly know the jist of your story and many of the people who post here want to help you get what you say you want.

 

You might want to read some of Owl's past thread about his recovery as a BS and how he successfully reconciled his marriage...not saying that his way is the only way...just saying it worked for him and elements of it has worked for many others....and clearly what you are doing now isn't getting you the results you want...so why Not be open to a different way?

 

As for me and my H..we split up for awhile because there was continued contact with the OW..she was not local so the contact was phone calls and texts, and emails and my H rationalized that the affair was over now so they were still friends. I left him. Then he had to move mountains & himself to get me back. His actions after dday undermined my respect for him and my trust in him more than the actual affair. You see here all the time BS's who WANT to forgive and reconcile hurting, with any remaining love and respect they still had for their WS dying a violent death due to the WS actions/lack of action after dday.

[Dexter Morgan]

i was explaining WHY i was asking the question and answering the question for myself at the same time. not asking for an opinion on how i live my life. if i would have not commented on this there would have been the "if your marriage is great why are you asking this" type comments.

 

if it doesn't pertain to your situation in any way shape or form, why do you care how other people in your husband's position felt and dealt with their situations?

 

 

so basically i want to know how the ups and downs went.

 

why?

 

 

there was no part of I, Me, any of my situation in any of those questions. i was asking others to share their personal experiences. to compare, see what the norm was,

 

again.....why?

 

 

 

find out what to expect

 

there you go, you wanted to know what to expect in your own situation....that is why you put your situation out there.

 

You just said it yourself, you want to know what to expect....you are relating it to your situation and looking for insight to your situation.

 

 

or see how others have handled these situations. at no time did i ask for an analysis of my job or my family or my focus on my xmm.

 

maybe not family or XMM, but you are looking to see "what to expect" with regards to your situation with your H.

 

However, if you want to know what to expect with your H's reactions and how he will deal with things, YOUR attitude and interaction, or lack of interactions, with your XMM plays a role in "what to expect"......which you said yourself you are looking for.

[Snowflower]

MBEG, I'm no longer sure what you are asking for in this thread. It doesn't seem like you want any advice about your situation and want to listen to others' experiences. This is fine and can be helpful but remember that every situation, marriage, spouses, etc. is very different so the responses here may or may not be helpful.

 

Not sure if this helps but the ups and downs that you and your H are experiencing is completely normal. Even when you are reconciling under the best possible conditions, like it was in my situation where my H was completely remorseful, transparent, NC with his AP, it is still difficult to recover a marriage. If my H had been all loopy about his AP, obsessing about that person, etc., it would have made our recovery difficult, if not impossible. Just something to keep in mind...your H will not be able to wait forever for you to get over your AP, especially when you still work with him.

 

Recovering a marriage is one of the hardest things I have ever done, IMO. I think raising teenagers is easier or when I worked in a job that I absolutely hated was preferable to what I had to go through. However, my H and I really wanted our marriage, we loved each other and wanted to be together so we are successful in our efforts.

[Spark1111]

MBEG, Whenever I thought my husband was pining over his affair partner....I threw him out and told him to go get her. She was divorced and she was still very, very, interested.

 

I mean, who wants to be the default choice? Especially after the betrayal of an affair?

 

It was only when HE initiated and insisted NC, then went to IC and MC, did I think we even had a shot at repair.

 

He hopped off the affair fence, but then I hopped on it, unsure if I could make it work with someone I loved who had done this to me.

 

If you are still unsure......it would be kinder to separate and explore your feelings.....about everything.

[anne1707]

Not sure whether the OP wants to know my experiences on the recovery rollercoaster but here goes.....

 

The first couple of months were absolute hell. Whatever I thought/felt I was going through was absolutely nothing compared to what my H felt. Even now I do not know why he did not give up on me. We then started to make some progress as I seemed to be focussing more on our marriage and not on the affair but then had an almost catastrophic (in terms of marriage) few days when I started focussing on the ex-OM again. However this also then developed into a major turning point. I spoke to the ex-OM and I guess it was a kind of "this is how I feel, this is closure" talk and also said I would never talk about this kind of stuff ever again. I have maintained that promise.

 

My H knows that the ex-OM and I had that talk - we almost split up that week. But we worked through it. I also started IC and we started MC. The IC stopped when I realised that whilst it had helped the recovery of my marriage, it had got to the stage where I really did not want to spend any more of my time talking about the ex-OM. He was just not worth my time/emotion anymore.

 

As for MC, we had a great counsellor and I will always be grateful for what she did for us even though at times it was incredibly painful. Both my H and I made a point of hugging each other as soon as we left the MC session and also did not raise any particularly difficult subjects between MC sessions - we realised that MC provided a "safe" environment and that we had to respect the idea of what was said between those 4 walls stayed there.

 

We ended MC around April and have gone from strength to strength since then. We are definitely still in recovery. The fact that I still work with the ex-OM does not help (and yes I am actively looking for another job but at my level in a specialist sector, jobs only come up once or twice a year). I know that we will never fully recover whilst there is some form of contact with the ex-OM even if it is just work. Plus the ex-OM continues to play games - trying to tease and flirt last week, then trying to undermine me professionally today - I fight back but it ****** me off.

 

So here we are 17 months after D-day and still feeling the impact yet we are happy. I used to say that I never regretted anything I had done because it had all made me the person I am today. But now?

 

Do I regret my affair? Yes, of course I do. It shames me that I hurt my H like that and let us down. Yet we are stronger now than we have been for years because of what we have learnt about us and what really matters since D-day. Just wish I had not needed the affair to grow up and realise how good I already had it.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

If your attitude of defensiveness on these boards, is any way a reflection of your marriage, I understand your husbands second thoughts.

 

The way you mince words is quite ridiculous.

 

As a complete outside observer, you are completely rude and most definately wrong. You lack personal insight and deflect with absolute bull****.

 

My God ..... if you ATTEMPTED that attitude toward me...as a betrayed husband, I would not be as kind as your husband. You would be KNOCKED off your high horse in the most expedient manner.

 

The poster OWL gave an absolute GREAT post.

Your own shame (BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU ARE WRONG) pushed you to insult a member who took the time to help you.

 

If OWL's intentions were not pure, it would have sounded more like....well.....my post.