Goatsbreath Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 So, yeah I came on way to strong. It's really apparent in drop in texts, the length in time it takes her to respond, and just her over all interest level. It's all dropped. I basically chased this girl away even though we do still text and she talks to me. Worse probably, I confronted her on it and was like, "whats wrong, boo-hoo, you still like me, you are acting different, I really like you, i miss you, i want to see you, blah, blah, blah.....so yeah...now what???? Is it to late? Can I turn it around and bring her interest level back up?
WTRanger Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Back down from her. Let her come to you over the course of time. This is one of the cases to test the old theory of absence makes the heart grows fonder. The more you push her to respond or to help you fix things, the more you will continue to push her away. The best thing you can do now, is nothing at all.
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Back down from her. Let her come to you over the course of time. This is one of the cases to test the old theory of absence makes the heart grows fonder. The more you push her to respond or to help you fix things, the more you will continue to push her away. The best thing you can do now, is nothing at all. Agreed - and it's not only about absence making the heart grow fonder. There are other underlying things she'll come to realize if he backs off - she'll see that he is respecting her and that he has his own life. That speaks volumes. OP, she'll come back around but don't ever, ever beat someone up about not responding fast enough, or backing off or anything along those lines. That will get you nowhere fast. If you do it to her again, you can kiss her goodbye.
boogieboy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah and you can respond to her, but let her initiate all the texts from now on.
Author Goatsbreath Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 yeah, I realize I messed up I just get stuck in the moment and forget how to act sometimes. What really don't help is I don't have many friends. The friends I do have don't even live near me. In fact the closest person to me that I know I could hang out with is my x-girlfriend and although I know she would hang out with me I don't want to give her the satisfaction sense she dumped me with the "lets still be friends while I date other people". -whatever So, I'm stuck. I look desperate and pathetic and I think she picked up on it because honestly, I don't have many friends in the area...well none. The few friends I do have live 6 hours away and my brother and his friends that are my friends I guess, they live 1 hour away. hmm
JL911 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 When you start saying things like "chase" and "Interest Level" I can only think of one thing...You've found or been reading Doc Love...If you have man, some of the things he writes you can take to heart, but man the rest is alot of shock and awe and smoke and mirrors used to sell some poorly written book to guys who just dont know how to act. Theres 3 things I think you need to do... 1. Case and Point...As a man and a possible suitor you need to kinda be very assertive of your needs but have a life. I mean maybe you are relying heavily on this girl to be your only means of fun, communication, companionship, ect ect ect....NO SINGLE PERSON CAN BE EVERYTHING TO YOU...IE you are putting her on too high of a horse that shes eventually going to fall from...You need to kinda find something, or anything, that will take some pressure off of yourself and allow you to have fun alone...IE go to the gym, go running, go out for a beer, whatever it takes you need to kinda cool yourself off and know that you can have a good time without this girl... 2. Show you have some kind of backbone and stand up for yourself. Theres nothing wrong with saying no, or having a spine...No woman wants to be with some guy whose always saying yes and going out of his way for her... 3. Backoff on her and let her come to you...Next time she calls dont answer...call her back the next day and say, "hey saw you called last night, just thought Id call ya back and see whats up..." I dont care if you are at home washing dishes, or just down the street having a beer worrying, you need to be a little busy when it comes time for her to seeing you.
bberryguy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Yea, OP, I know right where you're coming from. I was there, AND I can tell you THERE IS HOPE - BUT - and that's a big BUT - you gotta cool it. No offense, but you're acting like a needy wuss. Really, it takes one to know one and I WAS one. In fact, I still sometimes slip into that mode. I started chasing my girlfriend (recently "made official" by her mind you) some time ago and made ALL the classic mistakes. But if the attraction and connection is strong enough, and you back off a bit and let her come to you, you can still win this out. Here's some ideas from what I did: 1. Read Doc Love's book The System. Learn about challenge, self-control, etc. take the best of the principles and toss out the rest. I agree with JL911 - He's got some great points BUT much of it borders on making a relationship very one sided. 2. Stop texting her all the time. Let her text you. Don't worry about how long it takes to respond. If she's like any other normal person, she has a life and texting takes a back seat to the immediate moment. Also, even if you don't have a life, take time to respond yourself. It then looks like you have one. 3. After awhile of this, go ahead and text her first, BUT alternate days and wait for her the next day. 4. If you do phone calls with her, greatly minimize your texting. This will give you more to talk about when you do see her or talk to her on the phone. It also builds up the mystery. 5. When you're together, don't worry about how things are progressing or if it's going well. Just be yourself, stay positive, be funny, tease her a bit, smile, etc. Don't try to force things. It only backfires. If she's acting distant, don't let it affect you. If she sees your unaffected it will help to draw her out over time. 6. Get a life. I mean that politely and sincerely. I too live in a town with very few friends. Mine all live at least an hour away or more. With the exception of a few friends I have recently reconnected with who are more local. Learn to enjoy your TV, a good book, your XBox, the bookstore, the coffee shop, your family, and try to connect locally. Take a cooking class, focus on work, join a club - ultimately keep yourself busy with things you enjoy so your not thinking about her all the time. I'm telling you, from the sounds of it, I was you just a few months ago. After practicing the above and some other stuff I'm sure I'm forgetting, for awhile (even a month or so) it makes a difference for you personally and helps getting the girl. My girlfriend and I (before we made things "official") stayed in touch while I backed off, but didn't connect nearly as much, and it totally drew her out. Rather than smothering her, she had space to see what she liked about me, ease into things with me, and now - as she puts it - she's become addicted to me and made the move HERSELF to solidify things with me. I don't want to sound like and arrogant know it all cause I'm still learning, but I hope this helped. Feel free to PM me too if you'd like. Reading your post was like looking into a mirror.
Author Goatsbreath Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 thanks to both of you, as far as reading I have been reading "no more mr nice guy", the vocab I might of picked up on message boards and I have ran into post about the dr love but have not read that one yet. I just started the other book. thanks, sometimes it feels like such a stretch to jump outside myself and go to a cooking class or something but I know I need to do it. I have to run off to work now but thanks to everyone, I have some stuff to think about and I have not texted her yet today, just gonna lay low
JL911 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Very honestly I wouldnt recomend paying $100 for Doc Love's book...A lot of the principles he has as far as never telling someone how you feel is way too over masculinated and honestly in a 50/50 or every 60/40 relataionship is kinda BS. I dont think you should over do it, but I think that its necessary at some point. However the idea where you cannot let your feelings get the better of you and smother an individual are fairly realistic. While I feel it is great you can tell this girl you are feeling her, ect, the bad part is saying things, when you can be showing her things (I myself am very guilty of this as well). Even when showing a girl you care, for some reason I feel it has been beaten into a mans head that he has to be some kinda sentimental sensitive sissy who pours out his heart to keep a woman...I myself feel its much better to take her in your arms and show her she means the world to you without saying a word... You need to become confident, cocky, and even to an extent downright vain about the good attributes you have, because there are some...You're not a complete loss! I always make little witty comments about myself to my gf...For instance she was doing her makeup the other morning and I walked in the bathroom looked in the mirror and said, "Wow...I am one good looking man!" then just laughed...she smiled at me and just said, "you're so modest..." What you really need to worry about is becoming a confident assertive male who is able to survive solely on himself...Who can make himself happy...and realizes that no other person is the key to his happiness...Explore the world with only yourself in mind...Remember this, no person can be the root to your happiness...they can only supplement it... While breakups occur quite often and are very unfortunate they are vey good learning experiences... I dont think you're SOL yet...I just think you need to back off and how you put it, lay low...She will either disappear and you'll have learned a lesson, or she will come back and you will still have learned a lesson...
BeautifulMan Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You're lucky you still have a chance, forget about her for a day or two and she'll start trying to talk to you.
Confusedalways Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 So, yeah I came on way to strong. It's really apparent in drop in texts, the length in time it takes her to respond, and just her over all interest level. It's all dropped. I basically chased this girl away even though we do still text and she talks to me. Worse probably, I confronted her on it and was like, "whats wrong, boo-hoo, you still like me, you are acting different, I really like you, i miss you, i want to see you, blah, blah, blah.....so yeah...now what???? Is it to late? Can I turn it around and bring her interest level back up? Sometimes I could swear these posts are written by people I'm currently 'talking to.' Anyway- I don't know how old you are but this is a really, really busy time of year. My drop in texts, length in time it's taking me to respond and my overall interest level are all a direct result of this high amount of stress I'm getting from the holiday's. Especially if you guys are just 'talking' and not really dating. Of course I can only speak from my own perspective. When he boohooed, I miss youed me, it's really overwhelming. Take the other's advice- back off. BBerry gave really sound ideas.
bberryguy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Oh, and here's something VERY important I forgot earlier - learn this phrase and repeat it ritualistically when your anxious over the situation: It doesn't mean anything. When she takes a long time to return a text - It doesn't mean anything. When she doesn't text you first - It doesn't mean anything. When you know she's read your text because your both using IM or BBM and she hasn't responded - It doesn't mean anything. When she seems distant when you're together - It doesn't mean anything. When she can't or doesn't want to get together as often as you do - It doesn't mean anything. Get the pattern? Here's why you need to learn this phrase: (1) More often than not, it really doesn't "mean" anything negative or otherwise. (2) Even if it does mean something, and it more often than not doesn't, by assuring yourself that it doesn't, you can lay back on the worry. (3) It may mean something, probably not, but by not worrying because you don't think it means anything, you'll slowly start to be at ease and act in confidence AND SHE'LL NOTICE. The opposite is also true.
bberryguy Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Oh, and can I also qualify my original bullet points by saying, while they're good and helped me, try not to obsess over them. Mainly just be yourself and practice some moderation.
Author Goatsbreath Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 [i apologize for length of this but it helps me pass time] OK, here is the update. I texts her and hear is why, our last text was me being boo-hoo and went like this on Sunday me at 21:30: hm, i guess ill just assume your not coming over like we spoke of earlier sense you never called me her at 2134: I'm busy right now i gotta give Ashley a bath a get her ready for bed That was it, no follow up or anything. So Monday I didn't text her all day and she didn't text me. But then at 10:30 at night I couldn't help it and I started thinking. I don't want that to be our last text before I pull away and she thinks I'm mad at her and pulling away in a boo-hoo mad way. Basically, I think this whole thing has grown because she was supposed to come over on Saturday and didn't, said she had a bad headache. Also because she was calling me almost every night at around 930 when she would get off work and now she isn't. So I text her Monday night me at 10:29: Hi, hope you are good miss laina her at 10:30: Im good, how was ur day? me at 10:32: bah, I have a sore throat now but I got some sleeping pills so things are looking up NO RESPONSE, THE END...LOL, so I text her this morning [this convo takes place within 15 minutes] me: mornin, how is the cutest phlebotomist girl fairing on this winter day...this new student didn't even know what a narwhal is...how disappointing her: haha, did you ask her what a narwhal was? me: I let them ask...its part of my game but I'm thinking of changing it up...any suggestions? her: Is the intern girl hot? me: Yeah but ur cuter..plus her voice is weird...lol her: Lol...yeah, that sucks OK, so she was a intern at my work and the computer screen has a narwhal on it and she commented on it and knew what it was and that's how we got talking in first place. So, that's the inside joke. Basically, I ran things back to a shallow fun place I think, instead of me being stupid. So now, I'm backing down...promise "It doesn't mean anything" comes at a great time because today I was thinking to myself someone on here mentioned demonstrating self control. This is what I struggle with. Hear are the things that run through my head which I will try to answer with "It doesn't mean anything" -"why when shes over my place her phone is almost glued to her and she will answer texts, if shes this way all the time she must be getting my texts and deciding to respond later" -"its almost 930, will she call tonight" -"did she really have a headache or just not want to hang out, why earlier in the day did she text back "an do what" when I texted her that I thought she should come over. This hurt because we haven't seen each other for over a week. Shouldn't seeing each other be enough?" OK, so yeah, that's where I'm at. I don't know if I have a chance with her. I know she is probably getting sick of me behaving needy and instead of me asking her to come over I'm just going to wait for her to make the choice to come over. Maybe she will realize she misses the fun texts we shared and silly jokes. Maybe not. Tonight will be tuff as 0930 rolls around and she don't call me but I'm not calling. Thanks for all your time and help.
kizik Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 It's painful. To read this. Leave her alone. Leave Her Alone. Do not contact her for any reason, Preferably Ever Again. You not only come off as needy you ARE needy. Keep reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. And please, get your own life that has nothing to do with Her. After all, she is Just One Girl. Get it through.
kizik Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 "It doesn't mean anything" Yeah, it actually does. It means she's just not that into you. It means "f*ck off, I don't like you that much" I hate to be so harsh, but she does not like you. The bigger issue is how freaking upset you seem to be over this one chick you don't even know.
Author Goatsbreath Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 You not only come off as needy you ARE needy. I know man, I realize this. I think what made me realize it even more is that as soon as this girl came along I near almost just simply forgot about my X. At some level I don't really expect this relationship to work out at all but it made me realize that I was not in love with my X, I was just obsessed with her. All it took was someone else to come along so I could throw my attention toward her and all my obsessive thinking toward her went away. Now it manifested into a terrible approach at dating and its amazing this girl is still talking to me at all. I am backing off. If she calls, I will talk to her and be happy but I am really trying to just better myself. I really want to do it that way, better myself, I don't know why its so hard for me to approach it this way.
lilbelle Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Let me break it down. You keep pushing don't you... You say your gonna stop texting, you don't You say your gonna lay low, you don't Her interest level is at an all time low. If she was interested she would be texting you and spilling her heart over to get close to you. She stops texting so you do what? Get needy. What you should have done was called, no texting, when are you men going to learn this. Then your all upset about the length of time it takes her to respond, who cares, is it a freaking emergency or what? If it was you would dial the number. Reality is you are looking for anything to give you a reason to A. not trust her b. Bug the **** out of her c. push her away If you really like this girl then sit back and wait. She will respond. If she doesn't let her go and flirt with the hot intern, which by the way, you should have never mentioned her.
Author Goatsbreath Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) well, I didn't text or call today. Today was even harder because I lost power and was sitting in the cold and dark for hours. I ended up reading a book by candle light but man it was tuff. Its not even all about her which I don't think some of you realize. Kidzik, you say to me that its more upsetting that I am upset over this one chick I barely know. I don't think its that. I mean, yeah, I like her but its something else. Its just being alone. I realize that anyone could come along and replace her with any decent amount of looks and personality. I'm not hung up on her, I'm hung up on having nobody to relate my day to. Lilbelle, about the intern. I wasn't being serious with her in texts. I guess you have to know a little about how we have interacted with each other. She has made comments that I probably pick up all the interns rotating through and it was a joke between us. She knows I like her, I've made it to abundantly clear. Update: soon after writing this she text me "how was your day?" Taking the advice here I'm not going to respond tonight, maybe respond tomorrow Edited December 10, 2009 by Goatsbreath
gsly Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 It's painful. To read this. Leave her alone. Leave Her Alone. Do not contact her for any reason, Preferably Ever Again. You not only come off as needy you ARE needy. Keep reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. And please, get your own life that has nothing to do with Her. After all, she is Just One Girl. Get it through. I tried this this weekend, i DONT RECCOMEND THIS. this past saturday i decided i was just going to try something, i basically told myself that im just not going to txt her, i wanted to see if she would start back, so she really didn't say anything. we had a date that night so the only thing i did was call her about a hour before the date to see if she still was coming and etc...so last night her and i talked and shes like it was weird on saturday cuz i never txt'd her anything and she thought i just wanted to be friends and wasnt that intrested. there's a difference between needing attention and giving it..dont be constantly bothering you, because there not just sitting by the phone waiting for you to keep them occupied, if they were, you'd probably be already be dating for you....one thing i learned is patience, and yes that is the key to sucess.
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