rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I have met this man a couple of months ago at an official event. We clicked, we have many things in common. Everything has been perfect. He is caring, attentive, educated, intelligent, well-mannered, always very tactful. I recently met some members of his family and soon will meet the rest. We spend a lot of quality time together, etc. Yesterday we sat around talking. He: "It is time to do Christmas shopping. I have never asked you what you wanted." I: "You have done a lot for me already. (he is taking me on vacation, bought tickets for me). Also, I like my gifts to be a surprise. He: "Well, dont expect me to buy you a big diamond ring, or even small like your earrings" I: (no comments) I had no idea what he wanted to say. I never expected anything from him; never ever said anything about marriage or so - too early. What he said sounded rude...he put me down as if i was a gold diger or something. Or, maybe , he does not have any plans on having a serious relationship with me and I am just an escort girl??? I tried to talk to him about it, he said that was not what he meant but he never explained what he meant, and never apologized. It is nothing like him... I am lost. I know I will talk to him again about it bc I am hurt, but wanted your opinion. Thanks!
Denamarie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I mean it could be for any reason really 1.) He was in a bad mood 2.) has been used before 3.) or has been scared by friends on situations that have happened 4.) He could be scared of commitment 5.) or has no intentions of commitment Hard to say until you talk to him. Sometimes people say things without any real feeling behind it and it can still come out to be rude.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Definitely was not #1. And if it is #5 - i need to find out asap - i have kissed too many frogs, dont need to waste my time on another one. Thanks for your reply.
boogieboy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well I dont know the guy of course, but that comment sounded like a poor attempt at a joke. I think thats all it is. Since you didnt tell him what you wanted, rings are next on the menu. Im sure he knopws that its too soon for wedding talk, it has to be a joke. He didnt mean that you were a gold digger, or that you were pushing marriage on him. I think you are taking this way too seriously and you shouldnt think that he only thinks of you as an escort girl. Your insecurity is taking over, and you have to put that in check. Things are going very well. If he showed you to his family then im sure he is serious about you. Its seems like a lil joke, he didnt mean it to be rude. Its nothing to get upset about, and if you arent willing to listen to him, he might have a hard time explaining to you that it was a bad joke.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Well, boogieboy, you sound reasonable, but there are good and bad jokes...some jokes are never suitable..What he said, was not said in a joking tone, plus, he comes from a very rich family. I do not.
Awesome Username Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 This kind of joke is $hitty because if you get mad, it looks like you want him for his money. You need to let him know that it wasn't the fact that you wanted an expensive gift that made you angry, but the fact that he made you look like a golddigger and it was uncalled for. I don't think it's no big deal, because this kind of "joke" hurts for a while, and makes you reevaluate your relationship to the point of posting it on a forum! If it were me it would bother me too. Bring it up when you two aren't angry, so he can see where you're coming from logically. Keep us updated!
boogieboy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, boogieboy, you sound reasonable, but there are good and bad jokes...some jokes are never suitable..What he said, was not said in a joking tone, plus, he comes from a very rich family. I do not. Well if he is rich, then im sure he has had a few gold diggers come after him. If you plan on staying with him, then you will have to swallow it regardless if he explains himself or not. He might not feel the need to explain himself to you. If you arent going to stay with him, then what he says doesnt matter. If youre not sure how he feels about you, then you have alot more talking to do. You can tell him you feel disrespected, but it sounds to me like nothing he explains will be good enough for you.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 I think if he joked, his joke was bad. It did hurt. And yes, he has to explain... it is called communication. And no, we never argue, or fight, we just normally talk when we need to clear something up. It is just not in out nature.
CLC2008 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I have met this man a couple of months ago at an official event. We clicked, we have many things in common. Everything has been perfect. He is caring, attentive, educated, intelligent, well-mannered, always very tactful. I recently met some members of his family and soon will meet the rest. We spend a lot of quality time together, etc. Yesterday we sat around talking. He: "It is time to do Christmas shopping. I have never asked you what you wanted." I: "You have done a lot for me already. (he is taking me on vacation, bought tickets for me). Also, I like my gifts to be a surprise. He: "Well, dont expect me to buy you a big diamond ring, or even small like your earrings" I: (no comments) I had no idea what he wanted to say. I never expected anything from him; never ever said anything about marriage or so - too early. What he said sounded rude...he put me down as if i was a gold diger or something. Or, maybe , he does not have any plans on having a serious relationship with me and I am just an escort girl??? I tried to talk to him about it, he said that was not what he meant but he never explained what he meant, and never apologized. It is nothing like him... I am lost. I know I will talk to him again about it bc I am hurt, but wanted your opinion. Thanks! I think the comment in bold above, is where things got hairy.... Does he buy things for you, just "because"? If so, perhaps he interpreted your comment as being "non-appreciative". But I say this, because my friend and her boyfriend went through something similar. They dated for 4 months and from day one, he showered her with gifts, trips, dinners, etc. It was extremely excessive. One night she said something along the lines of him not needing to do all these things for her, that she likes him for "him". It caused a huge argument, the first argument they had. Try not to feel insulted by it, because honestly, you didn't say anything that was offensive.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 No, he does not buy gifts just because. and as far as gifts beinmg a surprise - it is a cultural thing. He is dating a person from a different cultural background. I just cant, not used to to ask for anything...
CLC2008 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 No, he does not buy gifts just because. and as far as gifts beinmg a surprise - it is a cultural thing. He is dating a person from a different cultural background. I just cant, not used to to ask for anything... You just said above, I: "You have done a lot for me already. (he is taking me on vacation, bought tickets for me). So which is it?
boogieboy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 No, he does not buy gifts just because. and as far as gifts beinmg a surprise - it is a cultural thing. He is dating a person from a different cultural background. I just cant, not used to to ask for anything... Seems he only asked you what you wanted because he doesnt know you well enough to KNOW what you want. SO you basically said "DOnt ask me what I want! You have to surprise me!!" He could have taken what you said wrong as well. I hope it all comes out when you talk to him.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 We had a discussion, i offered to pay some.
Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well if he is rich, then im sure he has had a few gold diggers come after him. If you plan on staying with him, then you will have to swallow it regardless if he explains himself or not. He might not feel the need to explain himself to you. What are you saying exactly - because he has money he doesn't have to explain himself if he just doesn't feel the need? His comment was rude - whether he has money or not. If he can't acknowledge to her that it was in bad taste, because it should be obvious to him that it bothered her, then that speaks volumes about his character. He should've cleared it up the moment she brought it up to him. The way he has handled this so far isn't impressive.
CLC2008 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 We had a discussion, i offered to pay some. Two months dating...Hmm. How about an equal spending limit, and both of you stick to it. Or, make each other a hand written card. Problem solved
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Ok, Boogieboy, i ll just follow my intuition, and will keep you all updated.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I don't think it's anything to overanalyze. I do think he was just kidding. Of course, you said no joking tone. I also agree with the previous poster that sarcasm and jokes are half-truths. BUT, I really don't think it's anything to react to. Just let it roll off your back. It was a minor comment. I don't think you're going to get a surprise for Christmas. As I mentioned in a previous thread of mine, a lot of men suck at gift shopping. They can't guess what you want and they don't pick up on hints. Just pick something out if you want anything at all. If you don't tell him what you want, then don't be upset if you get nothing.
Author rina_r Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 I don't think it's anything to overanalyze. I do think he was just kidding. Of course, you said no joking tone. I also agree with the previous poster that sarcasm and jokes are half-truths. BUT, I really don't think it's anything to react to. Just let it roll off your back. It was a minor comment. I don't think you're going to get a surprise for Christmas. As I mentioned in a previous thread of mine, a lot of men suck at gift shopping. They can't guess what you want and they don't pick up on hints. Just pick something out if you want anything at all. If you don't tell him what you want, then don't be upset if you get nothing. I will NOT get upset if i get nothing. But I find his comment upsetting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I would find myself wondering 'if he would say something like this, this early on - what sorts of things would he say and how would he say them once he got to know me better and used less restraint in what he says and how he says them?' I think things like this tend to get worse instead of better. I'd be on the lookout for anything that looks like this might be a pattern of behavior instead of fluke. If he continues to say things like this and uses a rude or abrupt tone I'd consider talking to him about it before it got too bad, or simply give some thought as to whether you want to stay with someone who has the capacity to escalate right up into jackass territory.
boogieboy Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I would find myself wondering 'if he would say something like this, this early on - what sorts of things would he say and how would he say them once he got to know me better and used less restraint in what he says and how he says them?' I completely forgot about this, this might be the first red flag. What are you saying exactly - because he has money he doesn't have to explain himself if he just doesn't feel the need? No, Im saying that because he has money he feels he doesnt have to explain himself. He might have a big ego yes. Not saying its right.
Author rina_r Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 Well, months later all I can say is that he is the best man in the world and he takes good care of me!
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Well, months later all I can say is that he is the best man in the world and he takes good care of me! I bet for a wealthy guy it's not that hard to do.
Author rina_r Posted June 9, 2010 Author Posted June 9, 2010 I bet for a wealthy guy it's not that hard to do. It is not wealth that makes a person wonderful. (I sense some envy here... ) "taking care" does not always mean "supporting financially". It is also "being there when needed, being a good listener, giving advice...etc"
RedRussian Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 Yes, when you have so much free time from being wealthy, I guess you can afford to being there when needed, being a good listener, giving advice...etc. I bet the wealthy part is a big why she is with him, if he worked in a McDolands things would be different ( not to diss McDonalds workers ofcourse )
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