Is this going to work?

[wheelwright]

I originally posted this on the OP forum, but I meant to post it here!

 

After questioning my M for several years I fell in love and had an EMA. Didn't tell H about A, but immediately split up and put the house on the market etc.

 

6 months later, and xMOM is out of the picture, and I am trying fairly successfully to reconcile with my H. I want to do this.

 

But every morning I wake up depressed and do not want to get out of bed. I have never suffered depresson before.

 

Once I get up, I am pretty positive all day. Loving to my H and grateful for the good things in my life. And relieved that there is no deceit in my life now (I hated it).

 

So why do I wake up with a severely impaired will to live? Is this my subconscious talking? Should I listen given that listening to my emotions recently led me on a rollercoaster to hell?

 

It's as if every day I get myself into a healthy way of thinking, only to wake up with this dead feeling.

 

I have kids. My life is good. I want to experience it with happiness. My H is a good man and I can't imagine being with anyone I liked more. At times I feel love for him again.

 

I think I had to kill something in myself to get over the xMOM. Hence the dead feeling. But surely what I killed was a bad thing anyway?

[aeh]

Even though our situations are very different, I understand what you are talking about. I, too, feel like I am depressed but seem to go about my life "appearing" happy and seem positive to others. On the inside, however, I feel flat--absolutely dead. Trying to rekindle feelings of love for my H although I am really just going through the motions. Feel like once his A was discovered, part of me died and I just can't bring it back. I feel like I am living with someone I used to be in love with who is now just my "best friend" (ha! would my best friend have done this to me...and started this hellacious rollercoaster ride) and who I have sex with. Like you, I know he is a good man and I do really like him, and am trying to be thankful for all that I have, but I'm so dead inside.....

 

I wish you the best of luck and will be hoping you can come to fnd peace with your situation....

[2sunny]

if you haven't been honest with your husband - it could be the guilt that is dragging you down. being completely honest is part of the freedom that is earned through your honesty.

 

maybe you feel as though you settled for second choice by going back to your H - especially if your MOM never chose to be with you.

 

the secrecy of an affair is very exciting, don't expect to have that same euphoria in the M - this is just being realistic since the M isn't a secret.

[norajane]

You're probably missing how the affair made you feel about yourself - all excited and beautiful and special. A husband reconciling with his wife after she left him...well...it's almost impossible for his attention to give you the same kind of ego boost and validation you got from an infatuation.

 

The thing is, you still are that beautiful and special woman. That's inside you. You just need to let that side of you come out with your husband. If he wants to reconcile after your affair and you left him, he must see that in you. You just aren't open to being that woman with him like you were with your affair partner.

 

At the same time, if you really don't love your husband and that's what behind your dead-feeling, you should let him go and set him free to find someone who can love him.

Edited December 7, 2009 by norajane

[Samantha0905]

You're probably missing how the affair made you feel about yourself - all excited and beautiful and special. A husband reconciling with his wife after she left him...well...it's almost impossible for his attention to give you the same kind of ego boost and validation you got from an infatuation.

 

The thing is, you still are that beautiful and special woman. That's inside you. You just need to let that side of you come out with your husband. If he wants to reconcile after your affair and you left him, he must see that in you. You just aren't open to being that woman with him like you were with your affair partner.

 

At the same time, if you really don't love your husband and that's what behind your dead-feeling, you should let him go and set him free to find someone who can love him.

 

This is all very true, but easier said than done or even to figure out -- or act out. I'm definitely having trouble acting out being that woman with my husband. Perhaps because it would be an act at this point.

 

It would be weird not to love someone after 33 years though. So, maybe it isn't all that simple.

 

I feel dead. Frustrated. I want my husband to be what I need 100%. Maybe it's all about unrealistic expectations. Or maybe it really is blind luck in meeting someone who fulfills our needs. I think even when that happens, it doesn't last forever..........

[norajane]

I feel dead. Frustrated. I want my husband to be what I need 100%. Maybe it's all about unrealistic expectations. Or maybe it really is blind luck in meeting someone who fulfills our needs. I think even when that happens, it doesn't last forever..........

 

No one can be what you need 100%. No one. It's unfair to expect that and to put that on someone.

 

YOU can't even be what you need yourself to be, or who you want to be, 100%. So how can someone else do that for you?

 

A lot of times what's missing is within you, or needs to come from you. Not from another person. No one can always be what you need and want. And if you're looking to any man to be that for you, you will absolutely be disappointed.

[Samantha0905]

No one can be what you need 100%. No one. It's unfair to expect that and to put that on someone.

 

YOU can't even be what you need yourself to be, or who you want to be, 100%. So how can someone else do that for you?

 

A lot of times what's missing is within you, or needs to come from you. Not from another person. No one can always be what you need and want. And if you're looking to any man to be that for you, you will absolutely be disappointed.

 

That's why I said maybe it's all about unrealistic expectations........

 

Maybe it is about something missing within me. But maybe it is about something missing in the couple in general. I find a lot of posts here that seem to indicate it's either one or the other at fault, but perhaps it is a lack of melding together in a way that benefits both.

[wheelwright]

Thanks for your responses. Yes, my H knows about the A. I have been honest with him about my feelings too. This has been tough for him, and I care deeply that I hurt him. So it is not guilt that makes me feel this way.

 

I agree you can't get 100% from anyone. I can cope with that.

 

But I struggle with the idea that the A gave me these wonderful feelings because it was secret, new etc. It was more than infatuation, which when it dies dies easily.

 

I think there may be some truth in the post that said sometimes two wonderful people end up together, but things don't meld in a way that is beneficial to both. But I am trying to let that happen - to let the part of me that wants to give love be there for my H.

 

I guess I had given up on my M, but now I see the value in trying to make it work.

 

I am sorry you have similar feelings aeh. I guess it's about trying to reconnect to the happiness we see the potential for. Maybe it's about trust because when i started to question my M it was about losing trust in my H. Reconnecting means learning to trust it's the right thing for us. Learning to believe that our MPs will complement us beneficially, and not detract from us instead.

 

What worries me is that I feel like this in the mornings when I wake after all that subconscious dream activity. I'm not entirely sure that I am working through things to make a happier future, or whether I am learning to settle for something in a way that will be negative for me. That the deadness is a switching off of the vibrant life affirming me.

 

I don't trust my emotions anymore, because in the A the feelings felt so right. But it turned out I was damaging myself and others.

 

I do however trust that my H loves me. And that's a good start.

[jennie-jennie]

I think I had to kill something in myself to get over the xMOM. Hence the dead feeling. But surely what I killed was a bad thing anyway?

 

You needed to kill the love inside you for xMOM since he ended your EMR, but that does not make it something bad. To love someone is a wonderful thing, not a bad thing.

[norajane]

What are you and your H doing to rebuild your marriage? Have you tried the marriagebuilders.com site? Have you started marriage counseling?

 

You left 6 months ago, and in that time, you and your OM were together and broke up, and you went back to your H and are trying to process the affair and rebuild your marriage. That's packing a lot of events and emotions into a short 6 months! You need time, and maybe some help, in working through all of that.

[imagine]

 

I think I had to kill something in myself to get over the xMOM. Hence the dead feeling. But surely what I killed was a bad thing anyway?

 

The man that you cut was a cheater with a married woman. This was your mark of trust. The deceit is not through until everything is revealed to your husband. If you think that you are getting it bad -watch him for the next couple of years. Right now you are under the sword of Damocles. Either he or his wife will reveal the event at sometime during your marriage.

 

Your life is suspended while proper reconciliation is yet to occur. Sorry ma'am, imagine that H gets the details two or more years down the line. People who have experienced these conditions explain that their wife lived a lie for those years.

 

Please accept that there are consequences. 'Fess up now.

[Spark1111]

Wheelwright, I think you are being very honest here.

 

Are you in IC? Because I think what you are feeling is normal after an affair, but also, more importantly, maybe you are missing something within yourself?

 

You may be depressed for a variety of reasons. Have you been assessed professionally?

 

You speak so eloquently regarding your husband's love for you and how fortunate you are to have him. Do you love him? Did you?

 

Please read up on the reasons people have affairs, if you haven't already.

 

One reason is to use the affair partner and the affair feelings to get a temporary salve from depression. Once the affair is over, the depression can return even worse than before.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

[wheelwright]

Thanks Spark, your post meant something to me. Maybe you are right and I feel this way now because I am facing the issues the A made me neglect. This is helpful, because if it's true it's not as negative as all that. I can work on it.

 

Just to clear a few things up for the others who have been thoughtful enough to reply:

 

I have totally fessed up. DDay was 6 months ago and there has been NC since.

 

I did split up with my H, but we were under the same roof while trying to deal with practicalities. We reconciled a couple of times while there was no PA. I was in that naive land of not really understanding what an EA was.

 

The A began (EA) Sept 2008, PA from Dec 2008, finished May 2009.

[imagine]

 

I have totally fessed up. DDay was 6 months ago and there has been NC since.

 

 

Thank you for this. This lays the ground work for a sound marriage. There are a few other details that need fixing. Both you and him: Annoying habits, individual activities, emotional outbursts. These are all love busters.

 

If either of you do these things, they outweigh any good deed done by a factor of 10:1. Then both of you need to meet the others emotional needs. Catch is that you both have to know what they are. Talk to each other. Your husband can well outstrip OM if you get together and make it work.

 

Your marriage can become much better than it was before. One of you must want it (not necessarily two). Will one of you take the reigns?

[wheelwright]

 

If either of you do these things, they outweigh any good deed done by a factor of 10:1. Then both of you need to meet the others emotional needs. Catch is that you both have to know what they are. Talk to each other. Your husband can well outstrip OM if you get together and make it work. QUOTE]

 

Good advice thank you. Some of these things are being dealt with reasonably well. However, lots of behaviour in my H that I find difficult is still there, and as I cheated I don't feel I have a right to confront it. I guess there will come a time. I am not sure if he can change them anyway. He has changed a lot of things though, and is making an effort to meet needs that he now understands I have. Which is amazing of him under the circumstances.

 

Not sure about adjustments I need to make. When I first started saying I wasn't happy, he just was surprised and said he thought everything was good. Guess his needs were being met. Obviously I need to change the fact that rather than dealing with it I had an EMA. Lesson learnt.

 

I would add that there is a need to remember to appreciate the good stuff too. I think we are doing that bit OK.

Edited December 7, 2009 by wheelwright
mistake

[PhoenixRise]

 

If either of you do these things, they outweigh any good deed done by a factor of 10:1. Then both of you need to meet the others emotional needs. Catch is that you both have to know what they are. Talk to each other. Your husband can well outstrip OM if you get together and make it work. QUOTE]

 

Good advice thank you. Some of these things are being dealt with reasonably well. However, lots of behaviour in my H that I find difficult is still there, and as I cheated I don't feel I have a right to confront it. I guess there will come a time. I am not sure if he can change them anyway. He has changed a lot of things though, and is making an effort to meet needs that he now understands I have. Which is amazing of him under the circumstances.

 

Not sure about adjustments I need to make. When I first started saying I wasn't happy, he just was surprised and said he thought everything was good. Guess his needs were being met. Obviously I need to change the fact that rather than dealing with it I had an EMA. Lesson learnt.

 

I would add that there is a need to remember to appreciate the good stuff too. I think we are doing that bit OK.

 

 

 

Wheelright

 

I hope you get to the point where you feel comfortable asking for what you need in your M.

 

One of the hardest things about reconciling with my WS was me realizing beyond the cheating...he is my H and he has valid needs. We both have valid needs that have to be met for our M to be successful.

 

For me it was a sign of our returning emotional intimacy when he actually started asking for what he needed from me.

[wheelwright]

Wheelright

 

I hope you get to the point where you feel comfortable asking for what you need in your M.

 

One of the hardest things about reconciling with my WS was me realizing beyond the cheating...he is my H and he has valid needs. We both have valid needs that have to be met for our M to be successful.

 

For me it was a sign of our returning emotional intimacy when he actually started asking for what he needed from me.

 

I agree with this. The emotional intimacy had gone, and before/during/after the A I pointed out what was lacking. It seemed to take the affair to make my H listen, but I really didn't know how to make him listen before. I tried lots of things before I shut off.

 

And now we discuss this a little more openly, we make some headway. I want to get to the place where I can tell/ask more.

 

I see that as a BS you show some compassion posting to me.

 

I am surprised I don't get bashed for asking something from my H when I cheated.

 

I want to also say that my H is much better at doing things he didn't do before (complementing me, making an effort with my family and friends) than stopping behaviour that led to me shutting off (criticism, low conflict vibe in interaction, judging rather than advising/commenting). It was my inability to change this low level and occasionally public dynamic that really killed it for me. It seems to be part of him. Along with other and very many good points (loyalty, honesty, doing his bit, sharing values, clever, kindness)

 

But ultimately this critical way of interacting could be a deal breaker for me. It makes me feel so s**t on a day to day level, even though deep inside he doesn't mean it. He is a kind man.

[norajane]

I don't think you ever replied as to whether you were in marriage counseling or doing anything specific, like marriagebuilders.com, to work on your marriage.

 

Either of those could help you in communicating and working on the criticism/withdrawal dynamic you have going.

[2sunny]

some of the simple things that may help move your thoughts in a positive direction early in the morning within the marriage can be targeted...

 

as soon as you are awake - you could write down one thing each day that you admire, appreciate or enjoy about your husband. it may also be a positive action for him to do this about you as well. exchange your written word with him over coffee or at some point during the day so he has an idea that you are thinking kindly of him and appreciate him in ways he never imagined.

 

hold his hand when he's not expecting it or whisper something nice to him often enough for you two to feel connected in ways that you didn't before. look sweetly at him from across the room or thank him for doing simple chores around the house.

 

have sex somewhere new in your own home, mix things up and make it all fun and new. hug him or kiss him in the middle of the night so he knows you appreciate him being with you.

 

let's see, we could come up with a million little things that make it fun again to be together and renew the passion.

[PhoenixRise]

[/i]

 

I agree with this. The emotional intimacy had gone, and before/during/after the A I pointed out what was lacking. It seemed to take the affair to make my H listen, but I really didn't know how to make him listen before. I tried lots of things before I shut off.

 

And now we discuss this a little more openly, we make some headway. I want to get to the place where I can tell/ask more.

 

I see that as a BS you show some compassion posting to me.

 

I am surprised I don't get bashed for asking something from my H when I cheated.

 

I want to also say that my H is much better at doing things he didn't do before (complementing me, making an effort with my family and friends) than stopping behaviour that led to me shutting off (criticism, low conflict vibe in interaction, judging rather than advising/commenting). It was my inability to change this low level and occasionally public dynamic that really killed it for me. It seems to be part of him. Along with other and very many good points (loyalty, honesty, doing his bit, sharing values, clever, kindness)

 

But ultimately this critical way of interacting could be a deal breaker for me. It makes me feel so s**t on a day to day level, even though deep inside he doesn't mean it. He is a kind man.

 

 

It is easy to show compassion when someone is asking a sincere question.

 

AND. I can see how it would be hard for someone to ask for anything from someone they wronged. But at some point, for the marriage to be successful the BS has to stop punishing and the WS has start feeling like an equal in the marriage again rather than viewing everything from a prism of guilt. It could take a long time to get there but I believe it is necessary for successful reconciliation where that marriage is actually a happy one.

 

How long ago was your dday?

 

AND I want to add that for your H it may be easier to pick up new behaviors to make you happy than it is to break old habits that he has engaged in for years that might turn you off and push you away. I don't know anybody who can change life long habits overnight.

 

I hope you truly and sincerely let him know you appreciate the changes he HAS made and that you appreciate his efforts to make you happy. At the same time you stay plugged in with him and make sure you are meeting his needs as well.

 

Are you guys in MC? Is anybody in IC?

[wheelwright]

Phoenix thanks for your responses. This morning I stood up for myself in the face of criticism, and he took it and I think will think about what I said. It's the first time I've really done this since DDay (last June).

 

I think this thread (both what I have given voice to and people's responses) somehow gave me the ability to see it as positive.

 

I did some IC in the summer. We haven't done MC, but will try if we can't make this work out over the next few months.

 

Still woke up depressed though. Feel better now.

 

Sunny, your idea of writing appreciative things down is a good one. I constantly remind myself all day how lucky I am, and I try thinking like that first thing, but it doesn't work. Maybe the action of writing it down will help shift the dead feeling. And I do show my H I appreciate him. I am sure he could take me doing this some more though! Couldn't we all...!

[norajane]

some of the simple things that may help move your thoughts in a positive direction early in the morning within the marriage can be targeted...

 

as soon as you are awake - you could write down one thing each day that you admire, appreciate or enjoy about your husband. it may also be a positive action for him to do this about you as well. exchange your written word with him over coffee or at some point during the day so he has an idea that you are thinking kindly of him and appreciate him in ways he never imagined.

 

hold his hand when he's not expecting it or whisper something nice to him often enough for you two to feel connected in ways that you didn't before. look sweetly at him from across the room or thank him for doing simple chores around the house.

 

have sex somewhere new in your own home, mix things up and make it all fun and new. hug him or kiss him in the middle of the night so he knows you appreciate him being with you.

 

let's see, we could come up with a million little things that make it fun again to be together and renew the passion.

 

There are two books, one for her and one for him, which are full of these kinds of relationship building and romance building ideas. They're very cheap in paperback on Amazon: Light Her Fire, and Light His Fire.