quarterlifecrisis Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Well, it's been about 4 months of pain. NC for all of it except when she called me on Thanksgiving to wish me happy Thanksgiving (yes, that was a setback...shouldn't have picked up the phone). I'm still an insomniac and can't sleep without pills. Even then, I'm lucky if I get 5-6 hours. I also finally saw a doctor who prescribed some anti-depressants. This all makes me feel guilty and pathetic. I know I shouldn't...plenty of people get depressed and take medication. But I almost feel more depressed now knowing that I am medically depressed. I've always been against taking too many drugs, but I'm gonna give it a shot and hope I don't become dependent. There were a few times when I thought I was hitting the inflection point to recovery, but then I keep dropping on back down. The frequency of the emotional breakdowns is less than before, but the intensity is just as bad. I just feel like it's hopeless. I'll never get fully better. I'll still drop back down to complete depression every couple of days (although it's better than every single waking moment 2 months ago). Today, I found myself thinking morbid thoughts again...like I was completely worthless and that I should probably just cease existing. I hate myself for feeling this way because, really, the rest of my life is great (lots of income, friends, family, travels, and life experiences). This one setback has completely obliterated my confidence and will to live though. I really despise myself now. So many people worse problems than me, but I'm incapable of dealing with a simple breakup (one that I initiated in fact). FML. I deserve all this pain. I don't really know what advice I'm asking for...I just need to vent. I feel like I could snap at any moment and hurt myself. When have people felt like they finally got a semblance of their former selves...I feel like I'm still a complete wreck after 4 months and I almost don't want to try anymore.
soheartbroken Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 At 3.5-4 months I was a complete wreck too. In fact, up until a couple of days ago I was still having some hopeless thoughts, although I decided awhile back that suicide is simply not an option. I had a doctor trying to prescribe me meds but I declined. I'm doing better now, will be 5 months in 5 days! I can't believe it. Haven't heard from her in 4 months. I know I have lots more to go though, and there will be some major setbacks. In fact, today I had some non-relationship related anxiety and it almost sent me into a tailspin. It's going to be a long year for me, and quite likely even longer. Hang in there. Medication takes awhile to kick in. Have you been depressed before in your life? You're probably making progress but you just can't see it.
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