Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 i think i dont love this area. i have a lot of pressure from my family to run the family business. they dont out right say it and my father wants me to do whatver makes me happy, but i feel like im stuck here and then thats my life. 2 kids and a mortgage it would be a nice comfortable life, but not my own. thats why i attached to her as she lived out of state and blah blah blah.... i always wanted to get out. and now im back and miserable. i think with her there was strong comfort and security. now im uncomfortable, insecure to a point, and not happy. i dont like the culture here. i dont like the hustle and bustle and the grey skies (no pun) that surround the area for 8 months. i need to experience something...else and i fell like this is the catalyst. i know ill meet someone else. i know ill be fine. i know ill make $$ for my family. i know i wont starve to death. but will i be happy?
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 You will only be happy if you allow yourself to be happy.
GrayClouds Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 the idea of getting out of NJ and more likely the easy coast makes me extremely happy. why is that? is it ok if i find a job outside of this and go? i would like to be independent and on my own and think that mee being the way i am is conditional of me being babied or sheltered my whole life (by parents > gf) And if you go and not happy, then what? The way you are is conditional of your choice to be that way. It was easier then saying now I need to do this for myself. Now you doubt you can, hence the insecurity, pain and fear of being alone. How to you learn that you are capable? It does not take a physical move. First stop looking for others to take responsibility for your problems. Your issue is not your parents falt, is not because of your job, it is not becouse of NJ, it is no even your EX girlfriend doings. Stop looking externally for your solutions. You and you alone choose your behavior now as an adult. Your past can try to influence it, give your a biases on how you deal with events. Being aware of the past is helpful. It can keep from you from repeating patterns that is not helpful (like wallowing in your pain hoping someone babies you and take care of it). But the past is not an excuse. Your actions now are dictated by your chooses and the person you want to be. Second take control of this difficult thing in your life, your suffering. If you do not like where your at emotionally, move yourself emotionally. Your in pain, understandable legitimate pain. Do not run from it with a move, do not hide from it with fantasy, do not avoid with acts of self-abuse. Face it, live with it and start doing all the thing you know you should be doing. Starting with being mindful of negative, unproductive and escapist thoughts.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 i think i dont love this area. i have a lot of pressure from my family to run the family business. they dont out right say it and my father wants me to do whatver makes me happy, but i feel like im stuck here and then thats my life. 2 kids and a mortgage it would be a nice comfortable life, but not my own. thats why i attached to her as she lived out of state and blah blah blah.... i always wanted to get out. and now im back and miserable. i think with her there was strong comfort and security. now im uncomfortable, insecure to a point, and not happy. i dont like the culture here. i dont like the hustle and bustle and the grey skies (no pun) that surround the area for 8 months. i need to experience something...else and i fell like this is the catalyst. i know ill meet someone else. i know ill be fine. i know ill make $$ for my family. i know i wont starve to death. but will i be happy? Well, first off you have to learn to be very grateful for what you have. What you have is called the American dream to so many people, you sort of just stepped into it, didn't even have to work for it. And THAT'S why you don't see it. Your just in this pre-made setup that was made for you. But your dad and your granddad, and all your ancestors worked hard to get you where you're at. Your mother and her mother, and your ancestry on that side worked hard to get you where you're at. Be grateful! However, if you're not happy, you're not happy. What next, right? What is there for YOU? Where are you going to find YOUR place? This is where you're at now. You're at the beginning of your adult journey, your OWN journey. It's great really.... I have more to say of course (lol) but will have to leave it at this. Got to get some work done....
mickleb Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Go for it, Grupp. Live you life, whatever that may be. GC et al are correct - it is a form of escape and it won't make you HAPPY, necessarily but it will be YOUR life. Stop living in the shadows of someone else. Go to the hills. If you hit gold - fkn good on yer. You may and I really hope you do. But if you hit the sh*t, at least you will own it. I get that you feel you haven't lived and that is driving you mad. Go. Live. But beware. It's a wide world and it's hard to get by just upon a smile. (Or $8000, it'll go in a flash.) Try not to end up like Christopher McCandless, if you can help it. x
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 i dont know what that means Actually, you do. You have seen it, felt it and lived it. Thing is you have to find a new happiness. That is what I am learning. The hardest thing to do is to do what you NEED to do versus what you want to do. Trust me, McGrupp...it's so hard it might as well be my 2nd job. But the benefits are wonderful.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) i almost went up there. i almost did just read this in "double your dating" ( i know how pathetic) but it hit home... One area that I've studies extensively is what's commonly called 'internal dialogue' or 'self talk.' This is simply the way that you talk toyourself inside your head. Most people are talking to themselves allday long. But most people are talking NEGATIVELY to themselves instead of talking POSITIVELY. Negative self-talk is, in my opinion,one of the primary causes of low self-esteem, giving up, and a lack of interest in even trying. If you tell yourself something enough times, you'll begin to BELIEVE it. This new belief will take on a mind of it's own, and start creating it's own self talk. Most people who have negative beliefs also have negative self-talk that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If this is you, STOP RIGHT NOW. I may be the first person that's ever pointed this out to you, so it might sound a little strange. Or, I might be reminding you of something you already know. In any event, make a commitment to yourself to start talking positively to yourself and to be encouraging from now on. Put it on your calendar. Send yourself emails. Do whatever you have to do so you remember to be nice to yourself when you talk to yourself. If you're one of those people that likes being negative, arguing with everything, finding why things can never work for you, and why everyone is wrong, then do me and you a favor and delete this book from your hard drive, and email me to ask for a refund. You've made a choice to be negative with yourself, and I'm not even interested in helping you see a better way. People who have made the choice to be negative about everything are usually playing out a drama that's beyond what I'm interested in addressing, and probably beyond the power of a book to change. If, on the other hand, you are one of the people that is willing to give new things a try, to say to yourself "I can do something if I choose to" and "I can change if I really want to" then I think you will be successful. Edited December 8, 2009 by McGrupp
DenverBachelor Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 No. Telling McGrupp to go see her is out of the question. He is in no condition to deal with the rejection. I hope you saw a therapist today, McGrupp. You really need to talk to a professional. No advice on this board in your current state is a substitute for professional counselling. I am not trying to be an alarmist, but you need to get professional help as quickly as possible. A trained professional will be able to help you. You are beyond the counsel of others on here who are not trained to deal with your level of depression. You need to call someone immediately and get your life back in gear. You are obviously very depressed right now. I am telling you, please go speak to a trained professional as soon as possible. If you feel that you cannot get an appointment fast enough, go to your nearest hospital if you have health insurance and ask to speak to the hospital psychiatrist. This has gone on long enough. You need to act now.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 listen i know leaving is running from my problems or something... BUT I HAVE TO GET ****ING OUT!! quote our conversation that lead to the breakup ; her: you hate your job, you hate living at home exactly i used her for my happiness, because i am miserable here. so she was my escape. to say im running from the depression or something is right. but not from the relationship but from the ****ing misery of this boring life. **** i work 10-9 by myself. hit the bar with the same kids ive known since 2 years old and all they talk about I HOW DEPRESSED THEY ARE i feel like it has to end. i need to go to someplace where i feel satisfaction in my career and my social scene. im not relying on others to be happy, but i want to be happy because im fulfilled by doing what i love. so im going to move. ive been keeping the idea at bay, but it makes me happy to think about it. it makes me happy to think about the unknown and to take control of my life and do what i want finally. i finally feel empowered when i type this. finally taking my boot straps and making a move for me and not for anyone else and if i fail and fail miserbal at least i can say i tried. and this isnt about women or about another woman its about how sometimes in life **** happens so that you can change your life. and i have to believe this is one of those things.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 actually i wouldnt care if i was a waiter. in fact maybe thats what i need. just to relax and get out of this scene where everyone is comparing each other to each other. this ****ing rat race. get off the grid. clear my head. find myself, and appreciate what i have and maybe come back a more focused, mature and satisfied human
Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 You sound like you are 1/2 way out of the hole McGrupp. You are still down, but you don't have the same hopeless tone to your posts that you had weeks ago. So I can tell you from observer status - you seem to have turned a corner. Hope that makes you feel better. You deserve to be happy.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 i think i have. i almost dont care to bitch anymore in public, to friends, family. this thing is more turning into a quarter life crisis thing with me asking everyone what i shoudl do with my life. options: become a teacher (go back to school) move west (wing it) stay here (miserable but $$) go to nyc and try to be funny (risky but what i want the most) or nothing. but i dont want anymore regrets. now is now and i gotta go. ill be 25 in a month thats old in my eyes.
Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 options: become a teacher (go back to school) move west (wing it) stay here (miserable but $$) go to nyc and try to be funny (risky but what i want the most) Why do you have to be funny in nyc. Doesn't every city have comedy clubs, and then you build a name and then you get invited to clubs in neighbouring cities....I think you take your art with you whereever you go. Or maybe you are talking about writing plays.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) yer right about that. i could theoretically do 3 of those things (comedy hobby, work for the family and go back to school) at once or i could just bolt for the coast. either way i need to do it. do it. do it do it do it. Edited December 8, 2009 by McGrupp
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 When a family has a family business, the best thing that the kids can do is go out and explore life, work for another company for at least a few years, and then if they feel so inclined - come back at some point an run the business. If all you do is run the family business, then you have nothing fresh and new to bring to the table, you have no new perspective. Also, it's not to say that every family member is going to want to be a part of the family business. But, you should respect what other members of your family have created, whether you choose to involve yourself in it or not. Plus, the hours you're working are way too much and I think it explains a lot about your emotional state right now. I think the first important thing for you to do is to get away from where you are. 25 is not old by any stretch of the imagination so that tells me that you're really in a negative place if you think it is. But it is too old to be living at home. I wouldn't have been able to do that at that age. If you're able to do it, then why not travel a little? If you can't do that, then go to NY and do your thing. I think like NY because it's fully of energy and it's so different from what you're used to. So that may be the best place to start. But you option of doing nothing is really not an option. I hope you know that. But if you don't have a degree, I would recommend making that your highest priority. Now.
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 have a degree. dont have: sleep
mickleb Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Hurrah for you thinking about your own life. (Keep thinking about your own life.) Just a little tip - you could spend some money learning how to teach English as a foreign language. The pay in some places is very handsome. You can then travel the US or further with this skill. Get as far a Saudi and you'll find some schools will give you free accomodation, $3500 dollars a month and no tax.. A teaching qualification is respected almost everywhere. It's a bit silly really but people instantly seem to trust you when you tell them you teach. Go - be frivilous and wise at the same time. You know you got it in ya. x
Author McGrupp Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 man im still sad. turning a corner but still those regrets linger. i really turned her away by being clingy and needy and insecure. i think she still loves me, but as of our last convo..."there is no 2nd chance"
LexiB Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Dude good for you. I say go for it - make the move!! Right now you need to do what will make you happy in a healthy way. A change of scenery and a kick in the butt from a rut can work wonders. If it doesnt work, you always have your family/the bus. and your degree to fall back on. Now or never
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