LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Pink symbolized friendship turned to love. Not white, not red -- but the intermediate stage. I'd say he's a ****ing lunatic. DB Oh no. That's nuts. He treats me like he should have given me a coal black rose though. Just a nightmare my ex is. A nightmare.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 i just want to talk to her without being crazy. i think i can do it. i think. No, you will go talk to her, and it will be a crazy thing to do. It's been weeks and weeks since you two have dated. There IS no relationship right now, only this fantasy in your head. The fantasy in your head is on replay. I say take that fantasy and bring it to reality. You know you want her back. Well, go do it. Face it. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, YOUR FANTASY WILL CHANGE. ..... so are you ready? Ready to take it to the next level? The point is, you have to DO SOMETHING now. You've been thinking about this relationship for weeks. So now WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Do it.
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 start transforming your life so that you are the central character in it and not someone else. I think he is the central character. To the point that he ignores any signal that is contrary to what he wants. She doesn't want to be with him, and he ignores that. Last I heard she had blocked him and her parents didn't want him dating their daugther anymore. Perhaps I have the facts mixed up with another poster. It is all about him.
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 idk what her parent think. were not 16 but um... yeah its time to move on. your right about the fantasy.
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Your avatar is correct, McGrupp. She dumped your heart in the garbage. Just like most of our exes did to our hearts. We need to remind ourselves that we deserve to be groveled after, not the person doing the groveling. Your ex should be the one wondering what you are doing and where you are and who you are with every night. God knows I feel your pain in spades. My heart constantly beats a strange rhythm, my stomach has sickened and ill butterflies, my head spins and my eyes hurt from crying. All of this gets better in spurts and I can smile and laugh with honesty most times now. Might be a baby step but it is a STEP. PLEASE don't contact her...AT ALL. Heck, I am even mad at her for hurting you like this myself! Work on your own happiness. You can never have a successful relationship until you can be happy on your own. I slipped and had a disaster of a rebound date reminding me that I am NOT ready. You aren't either...not for a date, not to see your ex again, not to forget her 100% either. Just keep posting whenever you want..we are here for you. We know your pain.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 idk what her parent think. were not 16 but um... yeah its time to move on. your right about the fantasy. And you will keep this fantasy in your head until you face reality. That's what fantasy is.... it's not reality. And people use fantasy in place of reality. It's okay to do that so long as you don't lose yourself in the fantasy. You've lost yourself in this fantasy. What are you going to do to get out? Because right now you still have the fantasy in your head. And you're going to have it tomorrow, and probably all week. It's going to come back again and again. Until you take responsibility for your real life, you will be lost in your fantasy. Taking responsibility in your real life means DOING SOMETHING in your real life. So everytime your fantasy begins to torture you again, you have to DO SOMETHING in reality. You either do something FOR the fantasy (go see the ex, call her, email her ad nauseam OR until she gives in and responds as you want her to OR until she takes legal action against you) or you do something AGAINST that fantasy. (basically, anything without the relationship in mind) IF YOU DON'T TAKE ACTION IN YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL LIVE IN YOUR FANTASY WORLD. That's just the way it is. You have to create your reality. Everyday. Everyday you either lose your life or win it. Everyday you have to MAKE CHOICES, or do nothing. You have this fantasy with your ex? Do something about it. Because by doing nothing, you are only torturing yourself with endless thought. So what are you going to do with it? Stop the fantasy, McGrupp. Distinuish between the fantasy and reality, and choose to live in reality. What's your reality? Who are you? What do you do? The point here is that instead of getting lost in your fantasy, you face reality now. You are a single young man with your whole life ahead of you. Map it out. Think about THAT, think about reality. EVERYTIME YOU GET LOST IN YOUR FANTASY, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOURSELF BACK TO REALITY. I don't think you have a clear image of who you are right now. It's something you need to work on. You really need to face your reality now. And tell yourself this. Let go of the fantasy, and face your real life.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 So everytime you come on here complaining about your fantasy, McG, I'm going to remind you about real life. All with TLC, McG, all with TLC..... .... I'm going to tell you to do something. Move! Move forward. I don't care where you go, just get out of your fantasy!!! LOL .... oh, and suicide is another escape from reality. I know you throw the word around, but instead of thinking "suicide" think "LIFE". LIFE! It's soooo much better than fantasy, or suicide. You just need to discover it. So talk to your therapist tomorrow about your LIFE, and how you can discover it.
DenverBachelor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 I slipped and had a disaster of a rebound date reminding me that I am NOT ready. . That's just one dude. You need to keep pounding the hell out of the pool of available men and not value your self-esteem on what any one man does or say either on or before the date. There are a billion reasons why one guy won't give you the time of day. Don't take rejection personal. If he didn't call back, **** him. Get back out and keep hitting men up. It's a numbers game. Dating is brutal but you have to approach it as a kid in a sandbox and just pitch sand in other kid's faces when they piss you off instead of leaving the sandbox sulking and crying. Screw that *******
LovelyDaze Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 LOL! DenverBachelor...I don't think you know how valuable your advice and opinions are! I know a great guy is out there and I might have to keep fishing for days but he's out there somewhere,someday...
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 i feel like i will never find a girl like her. very beautiful on the inside and a truly kind soul. if i defined myself by her, while it was because she defined herself by me. however as her career advanced and mine stayed stagnant i felt that i wasnt as big as a care for her, and perhaps this was all in my head and i shouldve been focusing more on my desires and hobbies, although i thought i did. there are a lot of variables to this situation but it basically comes down to her going to a nail salon one day and me asking her too many questions and then the snowball began. i cant believe im so brutally obsessed with someone who kissed someone else while we together and also treated me like crap often. i regret the way i acted being needy and possesive not because it forced her away but more because she and I both lost respect for myself at that stage. im lonely now as its the holidays and and my bdays and NYE. im sad tto think that she may be the one that got away...
DenverBachelor Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 i feel like i will never find a girl like her. very beautiful on the inside and a truly kind soul. if i defined myself by her, while it was because she defined herself by me. however as her career advanced and mine stayed stagnant i felt that i wasnt as big as a care for her, and perhaps this was all in my head and i shouldve been focusing more on my desires and hobbies, although i thought i did. there are a lot of variables to this situation but it basically comes down to her going to a nail salon one day and me asking her too many questions and then the snowball began. i cant believe im so brutally obsessed with someone who kissed someone else while we together and also treated me like crap often. i regret the way i acted being needy and possesive not because it forced her away but more because she and I both lost respect for myself at that stage. im lonely now as its the holidays and and my bdays and NYE. im sad tto think that she may be the one that got away... No, no no! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. JESUS CHRIST, STOP ****ING PUTTING THAT ******** ****** on a pedestal. **** HER! You need to grow a pair of ******* balls and realize you're the **** and she's just a ******. **** that ****** ******. You are the man, ok? You need to stop placing so much emphasis on that woman. She let you go -- so that's HER LOSS. Alright? No matter if she ever contacts you again, one day she'll wake up and say, ****, I'm so ******* stupid! Get your **** together and move on! Do you need to get hit by a bus and put in the ICU to figure out what's really important in your life? She's just one ***** in millions. She cut you off -- you didn't cut her off. So get moving, man! Cut the ***** loose! Geesh!
J dub Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 We ALL feel like we will never, EVER find another someone who will compare to our exes. And then we always do, because you've learned and grown that you now can decipher your dating choices better and find a more suitable mate (law of attraction of some sorts). I know you think she was special. But there are other special someone's out there, and YOU are special too! You deserve to find someone who recognizes that in you, not some idiot you have to CONVINCE!
rp123 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Your an obsessed, dependent, insecure, lost person. Just like me....! We need to be resolving our own issues, and asking why we allowed ourselves to become defined by another. Where has our self love and respect for ourselves been. Time to take them down from the pedestal, and put OURSELVES upon it!! Until we begin to answer our own questions there will be no peace, and no relief. Switch your focus from her to you. From external to internal....
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 i dont know how to do that. my last 3 months have been obsessed with her. i sit on here all day waiting for some answer. i imagine her taking me back, dwelling on **** i shouldve done. i feel like im in groundhog day. everyday is the same. someone says "break the cycle" but i dont know how. i am ****ing miserable with no end in sight. is houldve stayed cool and i would still have her. i ****ing suck and am lonely and doomed to die alone and live with my parents and go on and ya know do this forever in my ****ty family business while regrettting everything and marrying the next bitch that feels enough pity to **** me. thank you
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 also its like wtf happened? i go away for 2 weeks and all i want to do i see her. she says im smothering her. we go away for a weekend. come back everythign is gravy. i call some more. its over. and then this whole thing has been done by phone i never got to see her and talk face to face. its been horrible
silic0ntoad Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 McG - I am not going to pity you, or anyone on this board. I've done my share of suffering, as has everyone else here, otherwise, we wouldn't be here. BUt dude, you need to realise you're a ****ing man. Man up, guy. This is ridiculous. Stop pitying yourself and your situation. Honestly, she doesn't want to be with you. Seriously, you need to stop dwelling and start moving forward. IF you go visit her, or talk to her, here's how it will go: You will see her. You will get butterflies. You will feel relieved. You will feel tense. You will think of some bat**** crazy stuff to say, thinking it will turn a switch in her head and she'll come back to you. She won't. You'll feel let down. Your heart will break again. You'll feel worthless. You'll ask questions. She won't answer. You'll be here, posting about how you want to die colorfully. See my point? It's a vicious cycle that keeps repeating unless you break it. I never thought I would get over my ex. I didn't let her define who I was. But I loved her more deeply than I loved anyone of anything - save myself - and I still feel empty. But I am happy. Happy alone, and perfectly imperfect. You need to ACCEPT things before you can move on. Accept that it's over, and you will get by, I promise you. It may not be as your vivid imagination painted things to be, but man, it ain't half bad either.
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) i am scared, really scare of being alone for the rest of my life as i was before she came, and also of just pining for her for the rest of my life. like for the next _____ years. its ****ing scary. good reading that i know its ****ing pathetic. ____________ i had a plan last night that made me happy. i would leave my job and go to florida and live with a buddy for a lil. then in the spring i would make my wayy out to colorado where another buddy lives. then maybe to california where i have some family. not sure what this will do at all but i need to get out of this bubble and live while im young. i just feel so stuck. i dont want to seem like im running from these problems but i ****ing hate new jersey right now. its the same mundane thing everyday. i need to see a different world for a bit. idk. bad idea? good idea? i think a little bit of the unexpected is what i need. Edited December 7, 2009 by McGrupp
silic0ntoad Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Perhaps. But when you come back, what will happen? I am stuck in NJ too bro, you know that. LOL. Maybe you should come down here and party it up with me and my buddies.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) i feel like im in groundhog day. everyday is the same. someone says "break the cycle" but i dont know how. The cycle is that you keep going back to thinking and thinking about the relationship that is over. You're just shutting yourself down with this, and not paying attention to the life that's in front of you. Breaking the this cycle, or getting out of the hole you are in takes work. There are several aspects to wellness. How fulfilled are you in these areas? Seven Aspects of Wellness: Emotional Intellectual Physical Environmental Social Occupational Spiritual These aspects of wellness are well-known, and will give you a positive focus to work on in your life. List and and begin to accomplish your goals in these areas of wellness. This is the focus you need in life. Because your focus on your ex is NOT a positive focus. It's a trap. It's getting you nowhere, and you know it. It's a cover up. Instead of creating your life, your wasting time by keeping your head in your past. You're avoiding the responsibility of getting your life back on track. The only thing holding you back right now is your ex. ....No, actually, it's you. Edited December 7, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Emotional- pretty obvious Intellectual - mundane job and idiot friends, so nay Physical - going to the gym less and less Environmental - hate my home situation, not comfortable, and job Social - friends are all in relationships, school or just plain boring Occupational - again job is boring and lonely Spiritual - dont go to church
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 Okay, so now take where you are at NOW and create goals in each of these areas. Your goal is to be confident in each of these areas. You have the power to create your life in each of these areas.
GrayClouds Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 i need to see a different world for a bit. idk. bad idea? good idea? i think a little bit of the unexpected is what i need.\ Great idea, go somewhere where you have less of a support network, less resources and likely have to take even a sh#ttier job. And if things goes very bad, are you in the condition with the self esteem and confidence to handle it? One again you just looking for another easy escape from dealing with the pain: Moving somewhere new, Fantasy about the past and future , obsessing about your mistakes, suicide, and even posting here because every time your actually challenge to think different you start a new post repeating the same old thought process. You can do all of these things but the pain will still be there (partial exception is suicide, the pain will continue but you will pass it on to the people who care about you). They are all just avoidance tactics to keep from doing something to get over the pain and get yourself in the habit thinking in that manner. Face the pain and deal with it. Keep posting but post how you was hit with pain and what you did to address it. Start posting about way you are coping, what is working and why, what is not, what your learning, what your forgetting. As Mickleb said before, your internalize this repeatedly and getting nowhere. Your simply not going think your way through this pain. Your going to have to do actions. And not some grandiose action but many small constant and mindful actions.
Author McGrupp Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 the idea of getting out of NJ and more likely the easy coast makes me extremely happy. why is that? is it ok if i find a job outside of this and go? i would like to be independent and on my own and think that mee being the way i am is conditional of me being babied or sheltered my whole life (by parents > gf)
Ms. Joolie Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 the idea of getting out of NJ and more likely the easy coast makes me extremely happy. why is that? is it ok if i find a job outside of this and go? i would like to be independent and on my own and think that mee being the way i am is conditional of me being babied or sheltered my whole life (by parents > gf) What you need to understand, is that your life is perfect just the way it is. It's you that needs a new perspective. Moving is fine, but it's an escape. If you want to escape and start fresh, then do that. But McGrupp will escape as McGrupp, and you will run into a lot of the same problems. Make a new list. List out what you're running away from. After you do that, see how you can responsibly confront those issues instead of running away from them. Do you mind sharing exactly what you're running away from? It could be one big thing or several things. We can always try and help you get a new perspective on things. Also, you have your therapist to talk over these things you are running away from. The key is all about confronting your issues responsibly. .... I think moving away would be good, but do a temporary move at first if you can. Maybe find a place where you can crash for a year and get a temporary job. Take a year to sort yourself out, take a year for you, and then go back to NJ with a new perspective on things. This would do you good. Or take a year off and then really decide where you want to go.
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